They say fun and happiness is found in the journey, not the destination. Well, I need a new travel agent because my journey SUCKS. Completely. It was not that long ago I was head over heels and waist high in happiness with someone, because of someone. And not too long before that, I had crawled from an incredibly deep dark place to be at least knee deep in happiness and contentment. I did not have to wonder if they liked me, why they liked me….I was on my own, single and loving it. Now…I am once again a mess but not a broken down mess. I am angry, hurt and vengeful. My give a damn is busted and I have run out of fucks to give. This is no longer a situation that cannot happen again…it will not happen again. I can no longer play this game, I can no longer allow myself to be open with folks because at this point, it isn’t just PC who is a liar. It is men. Period. Trust me on this…if it is a man and he is talking…he is lying and putting you at a disadvantage from the start. Extreme? Try walking in my shoes and you tell me. And this time around, it is so much worse on a lot of levels because this leg of the journey has taken folks from me…Morning Person, Weekend Phone Friend, Hangout Buddy and Mini-Me. Actually, only one is directly related to the PC fiasco…the rest just happened to fall off the face of my earth when I really need them to be here. Except Mini-Me. I’ll explain her later in the post, which I am getting into right now. Rant’s over.
Morning Person: We are still not speaking. She thinks I blame her and the Panel for what happened. What I said was when asked what am I thinking…I think this is what I get for listening to you guys and believing that man. She says that all this shit is on me and all my fault. NONE of theirs. And I do blame myself and Prince Charming, but definitely my choices and decisions (save a few) were and are shaped my Panel’s input and advice. On any matter, not just when it comes to men. I say I should not have listened to the Panel because we HAVE been here before, just three years ago. I think what I am most angry at/with in the home camp is that my intuition kept telling me that this was going to end just like the Him fiasco (and I nailed that one when I said him would marry BTH)..and just like with Him, the Panel pooh-poohed me for the thought. PC came back, didn’t he? No way was it that serious out west, of course MG isn’t in the picture like that. He just needs to figure out what he wants. And because I wanted to be wrong, I wanted us to work…I listened and I believed my friends. I freely admit, it is my fault for not listening to me…I am the one interacting with the man, not the Panel. In any case, when I call you up an emotional mess and raging against the machine…let me vent. I am not looking for reason or logic…I am looking to take the frustrations out on someone. Don’t tell me I have been here before and should not be so stuck. Don’t ask me why I am so worked up over things I cannot control…I have control issues, remember? NOTHING sets them off worse than NOT being to control the situation, not being able to extract a pound of flesh. I don’t need anyone else getting all up in their feelings when I am all up in mine, nor do I need mine discounted. Other members let me do it, and wait patiently for me to return to sanity and accept apologies. You would think as my oldest friend, she would know that. So I am not speaking because she places the blame for this man’s shit on me and if everything IS on me, no need in telling her another damned thing…that way, my choices are mine without her influence. I don’t know why she isn’t talking. I think the Hatfields and McCoys started this way.
Hangout Buddy: He has gone away for the summer….he is spending the next three months (at least) in upstate New York to spend the summer with his kids. I am not angry about that…he is a father first and kids/time spent with kids trumps everything. However, I am sad because I really like him (not in a sexual/romantic sort of way). He was fun, filled with funny stories, he complimented me, we sought each other’s advice on things personal and professional, he gave me tips on how to help manage Dottie (he has a Dottie too) and he never made a move to jump my bones. Unlike every other man I met via Craigslist, Hangout Buddy had no expectations of the sexual and respected the fact that I am healing and building walls and guards to protect my heart. He never said or suggested that the PC disappointment was caused by my lack of sex/sexuality or that I was somehow lacking in some area. He says I am younger and prettier than MG AND I have better skin and boobs. See, I tend to meet two types of men: those who think with their dick and those who don’t think at all. It was refreshing to meet a man outside the Panel who actually uses his brain and who saw me as a person (with great skin and boobs). And he did what no other man I gave my heart and body to did: he took me out for a “goodbye for now” dinner and movie. I’m sad when I did not think I would be because when/if he returns, he will be making it work (or trying to) with his soulmate. We may never hang out again.
Mini-Me: This chick is so close to being axed from my friends’ list, it is not even funny. The girl is flaky as hell and manipulative…and partly it is my fault because I know how she is and I fall for it every time. This particular incident started last year when I took the trip to Philadelphia…Mini-Me wanted to go and paid her money upfront. What I should state right here is that I have a no refund policy. Seriously, I put up the money for the group and when you pay me back…it’s my money. You need to know if you are in or out. She said she was in. As you may (or may not) know, last summer I went to Philadelphia to attend an NA World Convention…it has been a dream of mine since I really got into recovery but there was never one close enough or affordable enough…here was one that was easy to get to, affordable and the last one in the USA for the next 5 years! So I got with my girls, we decided we were IN and I paid the money upfront for hotels and convention registration.
Then one week before we were to leave, Mini-Me comes up with how she can’t go…she needs to have some test run for a surgery she was having two weeks later. We all talked to her…re-schedule, tell them she has paid for a non-refundable trip, say anything. She said she couldn’t but she would need me to refund her some money as her job was ending. Okay, I agree to refund the hotel as the convention was non-refundable, period. I told her she would have to wait until I got hold of extra money. She said tax time would be perfect for her. When tax time rolled around, she spends her refund on things not needed and probably funding her boyfriend’s drug habit (seriously, what happened to becoming unemployed?) but I had no extra dollars…between breaking up with PC (the retail therapy continues) , Dottie’s unexpected arrival and being on medical leave…my dollars were tight and totally accounted for. Then she starts in about needing ALL of her dollars back…and while I argued with her, I decided to take the high road to save my sanity and freedom and her life. BUT…she is calling me on my paydays, suggesting payment plans…basically being a bill collector. I stopped answering her calls and within 6 weeks (once the ads were back up and running), I had her paid off, $50 at a time.
Here is where it gets funky: first, she says I still owe her $50. I am like what the FUCK are you talking about? She says she only got 3 payments…I gave her dates of the mailings and that not one letter got returned to me so cut the shit. Then she says she wants to take me out but can’t afford it so maybe I could treat for us to have a girls’ night out. I hung up the phone. NOW, she wants ME to loan her money. She must want a bullet in her brain very badly. Between Dottie and the process, patience is thin and stupidity has no place in my world. Not to mention, I am beyond ready to take someone, anyone the hell up out of here. You know, I SEE why folks do not mix money and friendship, especially when the friends are actually shady frenemies.
Weekend Phone Friend: This guy has been around a loooong time…since the days of Married Man. We met via Yahoo personals and his response was so…different, I had no choice but to befriend him. He told me that he was a married man and not looking for a girlfriend or to hook up. He just wanted genuine, honest conversation with someone about his marriage. It was not faring well and he wanted a woman’s opinion. He liked the honesty in my post and said I came across as genuine and refreshing. And he left a phone number to call. It was to his part time job he worked Friday and Saturday nights…and thus, tradition was born. We talked every Friday and Saturday night for YEARS, even when one of us was out of town. He told me about his wife (stay at home wife/mother, not into sex and thought porn and masturbation were forms of cheating, and lazy. WPF worked a full time and part time job in addition to all the domestic chores around the house), his daughter (shy, asthmatic but loved the outdoors and animals) and his job. I bitched, praised, vented, cried and obsessed over the four guys constantly mentioned in this blog. I told him about my temp assignments and the co-workers I met on them. We shared health ailment blues: I have Dottie and he has high blood pressure and asthma. We both lamented and lauded being overweight and we exchanged recipes. We shared out lives, two night week, every week.
Naturally, when PC married MG…I HAD to tell Weekend Phone Friend. He had not been at work the previous weekend so I thought he was sick. But he wasn’t at work that weekend either and not for the past two weekends. I don’t know where he is…I wonder if he quit or perhaps got fired. He had been on that part time job over 10 years so something had to happen. Or maybe it is a family or medical emergency. Since he let his email account lapse, I can’t reach him that way. NO WAY am I going to try to call his cell…his wife is too crazy and discourages him from having friendships with either sex. Once, a buddy of his from work called him and his wife accused him of being on the down low. I don’t know where he is but I do hope my friend is safe, healthy and happy…and that he lets a sista know what the hell happened.
And there you have it…what do you think, readers? Will Morning Person and I make it through this storm? Is Weekend Phone Friend okay? Will ANY of my left behind make their way back? Will I kill Mini-Me and hide the body along an interstate? Check back soon for new posts and find out. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!