Left Behind

They say fun and happiness is found in the journey, not the destination. Well, I need a new travel agent because my journey SUCKS. Completely. It was not that long ago I was head over heels and waist high in happiness with someone, because of someone. And not too long before that, I had crawled from an incredibly deep dark place to be at least knee deep in happiness and contentment. I did not have to wonder if they liked me, why they liked me….I was on my own, single and loving it. Now…I am once again a mess but not a broken down mess. I am angry, hurt and vengeful. My give a damn is busted and I have run out of fucks to give. This is no longer a situation that cannot happen again…it will not happen again. I can no longer play this game, I can no longer allow myself to be open with folks because at this point, it isn’t just PC who is a liar. It is men. Period. Trust me on this…if it is a man and he is talking…he is lying and putting you at a disadvantage from the start. Extreme? Try walking in my shoes and you tell me. And this time around, it is so much worse on a lot of levels because this leg of the journey has taken folks from me…Morning Person, Weekend Phone Friend, Hangout Buddy and Mini-Me. Actually, only one is directly related to the PC fiasco…the rest just happened to fall off the face of my earth when I really need them to be here. Except Mini-Me. I’ll explain her later in the post, which I am getting into right now. Rant’s over.

Morning Person: We are still not speaking. She thinks I blame her and the Panel for what happened. What I said was when asked what am I thinking…I think this is what I get for listening to you guys and believing that man. She says that all this shit is on me and all my fault. NONE of theirs. And I do blame myself and Prince Charming, but definitely my choices and decisions (save a few) were and are shaped my Panel’s input and advice. On any matter, not just when it comes to men. I say I should not have listened to the Panel because we HAVE been here before, just three years ago. I think what I am most angry at/with in the home camp is that my intuition kept telling me that this was going to end just like the Him fiasco (and I nailed that one when I said him would marry BTH)..and just like with Him, the Panel pooh-poohed me for the thought. PC came back, didn’t he? No way was it that serious out west, of course MG isn’t in the picture like that. He just needs to figure out what he wants. And because I wanted to be wrong, I wanted us to work…I listened and I believed my friends. I freely admit, it is my fault for not listening to me…I am the one interacting with the man, not the Panel. In any case, when I call you up an emotional mess and raging against the machine…let me vent. I am not looking for reason or logic…I am looking to take the frustrations out on someone. Don’t tell me I have been here before and should not be so stuck. Don’t ask me why I am so worked up over things I cannot control…I have control issues, remember? NOTHING sets them off worse than NOT being to control the situation, not being able to extract a pound of flesh. I don’t need anyone else getting all up in their feelings when I am all up in mine, nor do I need mine discounted. Other members let me do it, and wait patiently for me to return to sanity and accept apologies. You would think as my oldest friend, she would know that. So I am not speaking because she places the blame for this man’s shit on me and if everything IS on me, no need in telling her another damned thing…that way, my choices are mine without her influence. I don’t know why she isn’t talking. I think the Hatfields and McCoys started this way.

Hangout Buddy: He has gone away for the summer….he is spending the next three months (at least) in upstate New York to spend the summer with his kids. I am not angry about that…he is a father first and kids/time spent with kids trumps everything. However, I am sad because I really like him (not in a sexual/romantic sort of way). He was fun, filled with funny stories, he complimented me, we sought each other’s advice on things personal and professional, he gave me tips on how to help manage Dottie (he has a Dottie too) and he never made a move to jump my bones. Unlike every other man I met via Craigslist, Hangout Buddy had no expectations of the sexual and respected the fact that I am healing and building walls and guards to protect my heart. He never said or suggested that the PC disappointment was caused by my lack of sex/sexuality or that I was somehow lacking in some area. He says I am younger and prettier than MG AND I have better skin and boobs. See, I tend to meet two types of men: those who think with their dick and those who don’t think at all. It was refreshing to meet a man outside the Panel who actually uses his brain and who saw me as a person (with great skin and boobs). And he did what no other man I gave my heart and body to did: he took me out for a “goodbye for now” dinner and movie. I’m sad when I did not think I would be because when/if he returns, he will be making it work (or trying to) with his soulmate. We may never hang out again.

Mini-Me: This chick is so close to being axed from my friends’ list, it is not even funny. The girl is flaky as hell and manipulative…and partly it is my fault because I know how she is and I fall for it every time. This particular incident started last year when I took the trip to Philadelphia…Mini-Me wanted to go and paid her money upfront. What I should state right here is that I have a no refund policy. Seriously, I put up the money for the group and when you pay me back…it’s my money. You need to know if you are in or out. She said she was in. As you may (or may not) know, last summer I went to Philadelphia to attend an NA World Convention…it has been a dream of mine since I really got into recovery but there was never one close enough or affordable enough…here was one that was easy to get to, affordable and the last one in the USA for the next 5 years! So I got with my girls, we decided we were IN and I paid the money upfront for hotels and convention registration.

Then one week before we were to leave, Mini-Me comes up with how she can’t go…she needs to have some test run for a surgery she was having two weeks later. We all talked to her…re-schedule, tell them she has paid for a non-refundable trip, say anything. She said she couldn’t but she would need me to refund her some money as her job was ending. Okay, I agree to refund the hotel as the convention was non-refundable, period. I told her she would have to wait until I got hold of extra money. She said tax time would be perfect for her. When tax time rolled around, she spends her refund on things not needed and probably funding her boyfriend’s drug habit (seriously, what happened to becoming unemployed?) but I had no extra dollars…between breaking up with PC (the retail therapy continues) , Dottie’s unexpected arrival and being on medical leave…my dollars were tight and totally accounted for. Then she starts in about needing ALL of her dollars back…and while I argued with her, I decided to take the high road to save my sanity and freedom and her life. BUT…she is calling me on my paydays, suggesting payment plans…basically being a bill collector. I stopped answering her calls and within 6 weeks (once the ads were back up and running), I had her paid off, $50 at a time.

Here is where it gets funky: first, she says I still owe her $50. I am like what the FUCK are you talking about? She says she only got 3 payments…I gave her dates of the mailings and that not one letter got returned to me so cut the shit. Then she says she wants to take me out but can’t afford it so maybe I could treat for us to have a girls’ night out. I hung up the phone. NOW, she wants ME to loan her money. She must want a bullet in her brain very badly. Between Dottie and the process, patience is thin and stupidity has no place in my world. Not to mention, I am beyond ready to take someone, anyone the hell up out of here. You know, I SEE why folks do not mix money and friendship, especially when the friends are actually shady frenemies.

Weekend Phone Friend: This guy has been around a loooong time…since the days of Married Man. We met via Yahoo personals and his response was so…different, I had no choice but to befriend him. He told me that he was a married man and not looking for a girlfriend or to hook up. He just wanted genuine, honest conversation with someone about his marriage. It was not faring well and he wanted a woman’s opinion. He liked the honesty in my post and said I came across as genuine and refreshing. And he left a phone number to call. It was to his part time job he worked Friday and Saturday nights…and thus, tradition was born. We talked every Friday and Saturday night for YEARS, even when one of us was out of town. He told me about his wife (stay at home wife/mother, not into sex and thought porn and masturbation were forms of cheating, and lazy. WPF worked a full time and part time job in addition to all the domestic chores around the house), his daughter (shy, asthmatic but loved the outdoors and animals) and his job. I bitched, praised, vented, cried and obsessed over the four guys constantly mentioned in this blog. I told him about my temp assignments and the co-workers I met on them. We shared health ailment blues: I have Dottie and he has high blood pressure and asthma. We both lamented and lauded being overweight and we exchanged recipes. We shared out lives, two night week, every week.

Naturally, when PC married MG…I HAD to tell Weekend Phone Friend. He had not been at work the previous weekend so I thought he was sick. But he wasn’t at work that weekend either and not for the past two weekends. I don’t know where he is…I wonder if he quit or perhaps got fired. He had been on that part time job over 10 years so something had to happen. Or maybe it is a family or medical emergency. Since he let his email account lapse, I can’t reach him that way. NO WAY am I going to try to call his cell…his wife is too crazy and discourages him from having friendships with either sex. Once, a buddy of his from work called him and his wife accused him of being on the down low. I don’t know where he is but I do hope my friend is safe, healthy and happy…and that he lets a sista know what the hell happened.

And there you have it…what do you think, readers? Will Morning Person and I make it through this storm? Is Weekend Phone Friend okay? Will ANY of my left behind make their way back? Will I kill Mini-Me and hide the body along an interstate? Check back soon for new posts and find out. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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One Nerve Left

Dear Readers, this is not a good time for me. … I am in the anger part of the healing process and everyone and everything is just pissing me off. Quite sure I am pissing them off also. Add Dottie being a bitch 85% of the time and it is a recipe for disaster. Not going to say I am in full blown depression mode, but I am bone tired all the time…sleep is my new BFF and I cannot get enough of it. I have fallen back into the chicken wing conspiracy and gained ten pounds. And what is embarrassing about the greasy wings is the delivery driver KNEW by my order I was once again heartbroken…the wild hair, puffy eyes and sweatpants may also have been a giveaway but when he handed me the bag of fried, greasy deliciousness, he said that things will get better. My frustration at being unable to do anything to PC, this feeling that he is getting away with totally fucking me over for no.reason.at.all is palatable. But everyone says that with retaliation, I am just hurting myself and if I give in to revenge, he wins. News flash….from where I sit, from where I feel…he has already won. Even my horoscope got in on the act: it told me that while I feel that I am unlucky and love is unfair, I am being primed to appreciate the gift of true love when it arrives. Guess what? At this rate, I won’t appreciate because I won’t recognize it. The trust issues are back in full force complete with barbed wire on both sides of my heart…I can’t get out, they can’t get in. There are potential Conversations that Never Happened…that or I need to write a song: Arguments Killed the Friendship.

In between bingeing on fried foods and turning into an angry hermit, I did manage to write the blog post for the tall women’s website. You can find that post here. I visited the dentist who has a $5,000 plan to give me a brand new smile/mouth…too bad he does not have the $5,000 or a barter system. Every tooth in my mouth needs something done to it…and I am looking at at least three extractions, full mouth debridement cleaning and root smoothing. He says on a scale of 1-4, my periodontal disease in now at a 5. Hey, I am above average in something. I talked with UTA, had arguments with Morning Person and Cuz, and had a long, long, long talk with Feisty One.

Yes, I have been here before, and in spite of my Day of Angry Crazy, I think I have handled this very well. But, it isn’t easier the second time around…in fact, this feels worse in some ways because this time…there was hope, there was trust, there was no clue, there was a man showing and expressing interest. The fact that the man had no communication with me the past four months did not lessen my feelings and make my need for closure go away. It does not explain why there was such fuckery and so many lies. And while I am not wallowing (as if you could tell by my writings, but trust me there’s not a lot), when it hits me…it hits me. It brings the wise words of UTA to life: “The reward of being loved is not worth the risk being hurt.” Feisty One got it….she did not try to buck me up, or reason with me, apply logic or go completely stupid with me. She worked with me, broke it down into little words and flash cards and gave me coping skills to help me make it to the other side of this bullshit.

The arguments: the one with Cuz…no one can handle his crazy when we are operating at 100%, so no way can we deal when we are anything less than that. We both should go retire to our corners until sanity and cooler heads prevail. With Morning Person, she says we both have points but here is where we both went wrong: we have both been here before in the same positions…I had no business calling folks up trying to start a fire and Morning Person should have extinguished it, even if it meant hanging up on me. Sometimes, you just need to leave a conversation…especially when one of the parties is riding her Crazy Train with no brakes. And phone calls need to be made soon…before she starts making them.

The situation: no one knew that this would happen. All anyone had to go on was PC’s story…and HE lied, from the beginning. This wedding/marriage was in full effect when he met me. He did not have a friend out west, he did not have a girlfriend…he had a fiancée. Maybe in the beginning, it really was none of my business but as time went on, as texting and phone calls became an all day, everyday thing, as control issues escalated and roleplay, compliments and promises became the norm…yeah, it was my business. Nothing I said or did would have stopped this from happening. This is his mess and while I look at it as his getting away clean with it…how clean is he really? He is about to inflict so much pain and hurt on MG because THIS…this is who he is. I don’t see it now but the hurt I am feeling now is a paper cut compared to what another woman is about to endure. No one is protecting him by talking sense into me about retaliation and revenge…on the other side of this is happiness, freedom and regained confidence and esteem…which will all be tainted if I give in to temporary crazy.

The coping skills: First, raise my standards…she has no idea what the hell I see in the man. Period. Especially now that his true colors have come out. I have been advised to stop tasting the rainbow. Second, when I think about him/the situation, stop spinning it negatively or as a victim. Instead of saying he left me, start saying he lied to me. Instead of saying he married her, start saying she has the headaches and disappointments now. Keep it in perspective…I was getting unhappy with PC and he could no longer keep the few things that did make me happy afloat. The man had no values or morals…he goes to church and is so religious, yet in the face of the truth, he lied even more and dismissed his fiancée. And he has no permanent job…yeah, quite the catch there. Women are lining up around the block for that. Stop blaming myself for his actions and for wanting it to work out…we all want love and someone special. He presented himself as the person who could offer me that…and it isn’t personal…I just happened to be the chick who caught his fancy. And don’t let my anger at him spill over to MG…no woman tells her fiancé to find a chick to fuck and fuck over before they begin life as husband and wife. Keep it in perspective.

So I am doing better after the talk but the emotional shutdown is still in effect. That’s not going anywhere…ever. I have deleted the letter I drafted to send to just everyfuckingbody ; I may not want that man to be happy (not now, not while it still feels as if it is at my expense) but I really do not want the innocent hurt…they already have someone in their lives to do that. Dottie has a doctor now and we like him…like the dentist with his plan for a brand new smile, this doctor has a plan to make me healthier and keep Dottie happier. Upgrade programs are about to kick off at work, I am making tentative plans to treat me to a movie this weekend and perhaps attend a high school alumni picnic and I have drafts for three posts in the work. Seems I have enough to keep me busy , occupied and keep the negative thoughts at bay. We’ll see. Just working on forgetting it enough to get over it. I will always remember enough so it doesn’t happen again.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Shuttin’ It Down

After reading my last blog entry (Soulmates), people are worried about me. I don’t think they need to. So this post is going to offer an explanation and reasons behind my recent decision to shut down emotionally. Friends and folks think I am both depressed and depressing, angry, hurt and that I am letting Prince Charming/Horny Toad snatch away my happiness. But this is not my first rodeo where I end up Facebook stalking and see men I loved and trusted in wedding photos where they are the grooms. I am told I can’t let two fools stop me from finding my One…third time’s the charm. But these are not the only two I have expressed interest in and thought it was returned…where something special and substantial was the goal…for both of us, or so I was led to believe. I am told that they were undeserving and unworthy of me…that I am better than that. That these are men not worth a second glance. Whatever. They are now married while I am STILL single. An unemployed woman who dresses like a hooker and a woman older than me by quite a few years who cannot speak or understand English are waking up this morning wives to these men, while all things great and wonderful me sits alone on a Saturday morning writing a blog post. No, I do not think I am looking at this the wrong way or downing myself.

As I write, my mind is weighing the pros and cons of killing PC/HT and the pros are winning. Prison won’t be so bad…my size and stature will serve me well there…everyone will want to be my friend because no one wants to mess with the giant amazon with anger management issues. Dottie will get meals, snacks and medications on a very regular basis. The Panel has already said they will make sure I get canteen and I will more than likely have a girlfriend…I just need her to be serving as much time as I would be, if not more. Don’t need the prison system breaking us up. But, I will not be killing anyone because I am looking at the entire picture this man and I painted and it is not only a why did he do it question…it is also why did I let him do it?

Yes, the man lied from the very beginning for reasons known only to God…when asked point blank why he was not truthful upfront or at any other given time when I was giving him the third degree…his response was “I dunno”. No, I did not have a fair chance and his cowardice only serves to prove that what I knew in January was the truth: I would never be able to trust him again. His abandonment during the medical emergency showed his insincerity and that I could not count on him. Period. The fact that he lied on and dismissed his now wife the way he did tells me she has no prize on her hands. But for all he did wrong…I did too. I was not looking for this, not expecting this and in the beginning…did not want this. But he pursued me, wooed me and I ignored my intuition that said he was too good to be true; I ignored the nagging I my gut that told me there HAD to be someone else…NO ONE does this much baseball all year long…high school baseball at that. I overlooked the voice in my head that told me there was a reason the ex wife got engaged and married so quickly after the divorce became final and it wasn’t that she was already seeing the guy. There were so many LITTLE things that I overlooked, ignored and brushed off…and I said it before: you HAVE to sweat the little things because if you don’t…they become BIG things that have you wondering where the hell to hide the body.

So yes, I AM hurt, angry and depressed…at both PC/HT and myself and this is why I am shutting down emotionally….I can’t trust men and I can’t trust myself. I cannot trust myself to do the right things for me because I don’t want to lose the happiness, the attention, the feeling of belonging. I get caught up in the lies they tell (before I realize they are lies), the sob stories of being misunderstood, the issues…and I ignore the truth when it comes out and justify the lies. Correct me if I am wrong but the entire latter half of this fiasco could have been avoided had I just heeded his lies and infidelity when I first found out about them. If I had stuck with the truth and my intuition…he still would have been the guy who led me on, lied and cheated but not a disrespectful coward. I added to the hurt my heart now feels and I delayed my healing process..for a guy who married someone else who in his words was an old friend and nothing to worry about and, also in his words… I was the only one and he was serious about us. For these reasons, I cannot take any more chances…not saying that the real Prince Charming isn’t out there for me, that the right guy is not going to come along…but I am getting too old to keep playing the games and to keep kissing the frogs. I can’t take any more chances on/with love…whoever the next guy is, his other/main chick is going to have find someone else to prime him to take her to the altar.

This does not mean I am going to become a recluse who never leaves the house…I plan to still live my life: go to work, occasional outings, day/weekend trips, maintaining friendships, sex (not freely though)….they are all still on the table. Happiness is still on the table…once the healing begins, happiness returns. I will just be doing all of this by myself. I no longer want someone to share my day with, I no longer wish to hold and be held, I don’t care to know anyone new or have them know me. The “dates” will supply what I need…for the hour or so I am with them I will get conversation, kisses, rubdowns, and sex of some type. Best part…I will get to go shopping afterwards and not worry do they like me, am I too fat, is there someone else. I don’t have to wonder what they see in me…they see sex in a super-sized packaged. I know what I am to them: tits, ass, mouth and an ear for the occasional vent/rant before doing the deed. No longer will I wonder why they didn’t at least have the balls to say goodbye…we said them at the door. If I want positive male attention, I will call up Chef or Cuz. If I want validation, I already have the men on my team (including The Sheriff) telling me I am young and pretty on demand and Captain America (The Hard Headed Tech calls him The Greatest American Hero) still comes around with shoulder rubs and puppy dog eyes. I will be fine.

I am told I am just out of steam and I will give love a chance again because of course, I will find someone else special…but since I seem to throw lessons learned out the window, I am going to hold onto the pain. Because the men I find special don’t find me special at all. I have said this one before too, and it is the truth: the men I fall for always end up hurting me when it is too late for me to stop it from happening. That’s my fault. They turn out to be crazy, flaky and cowards. That isn’t my fault. So I will heal, get better and protect myself and my heart. I was not kidding about a murder-suicide should I find myself in this position again. Going to plan my trip to Philly…Oscar and I are both broke so we are rescheduling the dance party and movies for two weeks from now. We are going to take the babies to see Transformers…we’ll watch two hours of Mark Wahlberg while the babies see robots. Also need to write a couple more posts, do laundry and my usual weekend routine. Trust me, I will be okay and fine. One day.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Soulmates

Strange post to be writing so soon after yet another heartbreaking crush to my ego, esteem and confidence but trying really hard to change my way of thinking and stay positive, hopeful and realize that all of this emotional testing has to end soon. That there really is someone who is going to come along and be everything I want, need and deserve…the one who will make me see why Prince Charming had to go and pursue another happily ever after. Besides, this post was already in the works when I found out about the wedding…can’t let his life interrupt mine anymore than it already does…especially since our worlds no longer collide. No, I have not broken down yet but I am so close to the edge, readers. So close. I went off on the Little Indian Boy at work and he went to Feisty One for sympathy and comfort. She made me apologize. There were a few tears one night and again in a bathroom stall. Not a lot, not enough but something came out.

I listen to my friends tell me I deserve better, I dodged a bullet, I am so pretty, smart, blahblahblah. And I want to believe them but if I am so many incredible things…where is my fairytale ending? Where is my Knight, my Prince, my King? Loving how I am forgetting the fact that what I had with PC was a house of cards built on a foundation of lies from Day 1 (to me and about MG) and I never had a fair chance with the man. That his exit makes Him look like a GREAT guy and the disappointments began long before Christmas in Utah. I need distractions and a change of scenery, so am going to a company sponsored happy hour Friday evening and headed to Philadelphia on Saturday to see a movie with Oscar. Sometimes, you just need to see a movie and eat popcorn with a BFF. Add in that us emotional wrecks need to stick together, that Oscar and I are long overdue for a Meredith/Christina dance it out party and vent time on the sofa… voila…spending Saturday with my Wild Child.

So , on to the post. Soulmates….the epitome of happy romantic endings. A soulmate is defined as a person with whom one has a strong affinity, shared values and tastes and quite often, a romantic bond. Those of us who are single are hoping, wishing and searching for ours (fingers crossed we have not missed out on them) and the majority of those who are married/attached are in one of two camps: quite certain they have theirs or hoping they have theirs. I have been talking with some folks lately that swear they have their soulmate but when I hear the backstory…I really wonder.

Going to start with my Hangout Buddy. He has met a woman…in less than four weeks, they have slept together, he has taken her on vacation and he plans to move in with her. He says she is the one, I ask how does he know. He says she is pretty, smart and resourceful. I say so are most women…what makes this woman your One? He doesn’t know…and neither do I. Hangout Buddy embraces diversity, is laid back and completely spontaneous. The woman is slightly racist, controlling to the nth degree, jealous/insecure and does not have one spontaneous bone in her body. I told HB he was moving too fast and while he agrees….still going with his plan. Ready to see how this plays out.

Let’s move on to Mini-Me…she has had a boyfriend now for almost 9 years. This man…he is a crack addict, which should tell you all you need to know about the man. The years Mini-Me has spent with him have been filled with dishonesty, distrust and disappointments. He steals from her, he lies to her, he has taken her out and left her stuck with the bill, he is a no-show at social outings and events…but she says she loves him and this is who she is meant to be with. It is a vicious cycle…breakups, breakdowns, tears, promises, and reconciliations. Over and over and over. She has moved the man in (she did that about three years ago but is only now just admitting it) and has to hide her medications, purse and money before he gets in from bingeing. He tells her he isn’t using anymore…she believes him, but she knows. Just like we all know. This is just me, but I don’t think this is what soulmates do…I just don’t.

My last person is a dude from Craigslist. I posted a rant on CL one afternoon to release my anger and frustration upon all men, and this dude responded to me personally. He seemed nice enough and was more than ready to share his story…Craigslist, Land of the Lonely, Frustrated and Perverted. He is 50 years old and moved here to the DMV from Alabama. Sold his dream house he says he built himself, landed a job as a military contractor and came up North. His reason for the move? To be near his soulmate, but not TOO near…she still lives 100 miles away. According to him, he met her 23 years ago (sound familiar?), they had the most rewarding sex he ever had and then they were separated. They moved on and both married. Then dude posted the chick’s picture on Facebook last year and says she reached out. Now not sure what was said or what he heard, but he divorces his cancer stricken wife of 19 years to make this move to be 100 miles away from his “soulmate”. Oh, did I mention the soulmate is still married with three kids and has no intention of leaving her family? They meet every other Friday in a motel close to her for a few hours, then go their separate ways. He says she is not where he is commitment wise and that she has been abused the last 22 years and is just now realizing that fact. I’m just like….what? Then last weekend, she broke it off. He is devastated, alone and I am going to say….stupid. The woman never led him on, never sent mixed signals…he destroyed his marriage, left a sickly wife to fend for herself and uprooted his entire life…for a twice monthly booty call. Words fail me to explain my thoughts on this but soulmate doesn’t come to mind. Karma does though.

As for me, I am in two camps. On the one hand…I simply cannot go through this anymore. Period. The heartbreak, the inability to let go, the wondering, the questions, the sheer fuckery of what I have been through twice in three years with men I deemed worthy of trust and love…I quit. I can no longer be the chick who is unknowingly prepping men she loves and sees a future of some type with for women they love and actually do build a future with. I am tired of crying at night, alone with neuropathy while they are with others, being happy and not giving me second thoughts. Fuck better if it is even coming… if he ain’t got $100 bills to spend, keep it moving. No more falling for men. I will be alone and learn to love it. Until the day I die. It’s easier that way. PC ripped scabs off freshly healed wounds, inflicted more and poured salt over all of them. On the other hand, even though I seem to have taken up permanent residency in Broken Heart Hell, I do not want to give up on finding true love and my soulmate. Being in love, feeling loved (or at least cared about ), being able to trust someone? It is an incredible feeling, but I cannot deal with the letdowns and endings I seem to get and will never get used to.

For now, I am processing…there is nothing to hold on to or hold on for. I would say healing but I have not let go of the idealizations I held for PC. What I am going to do is shut down emotionally because right now, I cannot view this a save or a bullet dodged. I view this as yet another failure of me as a woman. I see this as me once again not being good enough, as being rejected and this is going to sound fucked up, but I also see it as a punishment for not staying in my lane…I am the good time girl, not a long term girlfriend, not a wife. I am the side chick, the fill in chick, the go to girl. And every time I try to show that man I find so special I can be all he needs…he shows me I can’t. I can’t keep on having my heart broken, so the best way to do that is to stop pursuing relationships, love, affection and caring…and stop it dead in its tracks when it pursues me. I don’t want to hear from men, especially those who have sooo much respect for women. I heard that from Him and PC…either I have dick and balls for real or they lied. At this point in time and for the foreseeable future, I am not opening up and no one is allowed entry into my heart…because if I get one more fucked up ending, there is going to be a murder-suicide in this town. For real.

Once, I used to think Him was it but one would actually TRUST their soulmate, right? There was no trust on my end and too much inadequacy on his end. Then I thought Prince Charming was it…he actually saw all of me and for awhile…he liked, cared for and wanted all of me. But your soulmate would not lie to you, right? But I believed (and to some extent still do believe) that this man was meant for me…he understood the crazy, he helped build the confidence and esteem…I forgave the lies and handed him the excuses for them. But, even if he had not disappeared off the face of the earth and married MG…I know deep down he isn’t my soulmate. He just gave me a taste what having one would be like. You know, I saw a movie once (long, long ago) and all I remember of the storyline was there was a couple…they were soulmates but there were so many obstacles…family, children, jobs. They met again by chance and both were divorced. The woman was scared to try and the man told her if she wanted him, if she wanted to be together…meet him at the bridge in the park at 8pm. And both showed up…except she was under the bridge and he was standing on it…and they never saw each other. That is going to be me and my soulmate.

Okay, wrapping up this post. I know I sound a little confused and a lot angry, bitter and jaded but in all truthfulness…..I am hurt, disappointed and fed up. I am so tired of having all the negative things I say about men being proven right in the end…after I am all entangled in emotions. And I am out of hope that there is one man whom I would find special to prove me wrong. I have a couple more blog posts to write over the weekend in addition to the trip to Philly…things are still getting on my nerves and I have been asked to contribute a post to a tall/BBW website with a strong internet presence. Flattered, honored and excited over that. So check back soon…I’ll be here.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Slowly, Surely

This is not the blog post that is supposed to be here. I have drafts on soulmates and things getting on my nerves in the works but this needs to come out. Prince Charming has married the Mexican Girlfriend. They tied the knot June 14th. I am hurt, beyond disappointed (despite everything, I held a little piece of hope out that we would be able to reconcile and get it right again) but also strangely relieved. Every time I went Facebook stalking, I would be hoping that THIS was the time he really and truly broke my heart. That there would be a post or a picture that showed me that yes, a choice had been made and that our last conversation really was an argument that ended with me having a medical emergency. That his trip to California over Valentine’s Day weekend meant what I thought it meant, that no acknowledgment of the gift I sent really was complete douchebaggery and that he was not ignoring/avoiding me out of shame, guilt or anger…I simply ceased to exist for him. And the picture of PC and the MG did all of that.

I wanted to cry, and almost did but nothing came out of my eyes…even when I squeezed them really tight and thought of the happy times and the things he did right. I think I have had more than enough time to prepare for this moment: 4 months of zero contact and my intuition that told me that it really was that serious and the man was going to marry her. I just did not think it would be so soon. And lest we forget, after meeting up with her and the Mexi-Cali crew back at Christmas, PC simply was not the man I met, knew and fell for…oh, and the ridiculosity that was his going celibate while we were together..and not telling me. Yeah, everything was adding up to him being with someone NOT me, and the fact he told me himself that it was “pretty serious” between them (I had to drag it out of him but I had had enough lies) …right before telling me he and I could still have a relationship. Until talking/texting everyday became more than friendship. Yeah, no wonder I have no tears to shed….what started out with such promise and hope turned into sheer idiocy overnight.

The picture…I was speechless for a minute. All I could say was he has gotten fat (the shirt looked like it was choking his neck and the gray suit was ill fitting…tight in places and too big in others…he did have a fresh red rose in the top pocket though to go with his red tie), she is old or at least old looking…seriously, she looks at least 10 years older than me and every minute of it (with makeup on) and his hair looked like Hitler’s moustache. Really, he did something really funky with his hair that makes me think he is going bald or has an incredibly huge head. Her dress is very dated…Feisty One said the dress is at least 25 years old…it is a late 80s, early 90s style dress that she more than likely married her first husband in. (Not my words…I had no idea wedding dresses had eras) And they were sitting in these ornately carved, incredibly high back chairs with an ugly pattern on the fabric that looked like an Addams family special…the chairs were freaky looking. Call me racist if you must, but this wedding was either Mormon or Mexican..it was not a traditional American wedding. Artsy Craftsy said the chairs are freaky, PC looks creepy and MG looked sneaky. Feisty One said they looked like the King and Queen of a 1987 prom and New Mommy said it looked like they got his mail order bride request wrong. Buggy said the man now had a live in maid. Everyone says I have dodged a real bullet as the man looks as weird as he acts. I still think the man is attractive….not as handsome as when he was with me, but still attractive enough.

Yes, we were bashing…but it wasn’t to make me feel better. This is what we really saw when we looked at the picture. Remember, my Panel does not sugar coat…they don’t protect me from harsh realities. PC’s mom commented: “A King and his Queen. “ I was more like a cowardly whoremonger and an over the hill border jumper…but in spite of my pettiness and bitchiness…I think they look happy. Artsy Craftsy does not agree but going with Feisty One on this…if neither were happy, they would not have taken such a permanent step towards cementing the relationship. We all agree they do not look like a couple in love, but Morning Person said it best. What’s love got to do with it? For whatever reasons: green cards (the woman has changed her name completely…taking his last name is understandable but to go by your middle name now?), love, convenience…they did it and are now husband and wife. And I am once again, left with pieces of my heart in my hands. I wanted to speculate on the honeymoon but that was nipped in the bud: he is poor, there is no honeymoon and guess what? I definitely won’t heal any quicker thinking about their sex life. Point taken.

I wanted to fall into a pity party but Chef isn’t letting it happen…at least not tonight. He told me that I am lucky as hell and must be a cat with nine lives as I keep dodging bullets left and right. If I take my ego out of the equation, I am left looking at a man who is a liar and a cheater. Period. She will find out soon enough, so I am shelving UTA’s suggestion of being a spiteful bitch and telling MG who she has on her hands. But I am so tired of being the chick who preps the guys for the next chick…it’s a sucky job and I always see some other woman reaping the fruits of my labors. But part, if not all of that, is my fault. When I SEE, when I KNOW…I need to heed my intuition and the facts right in my face. And do I really want to spend the majority of my time left on earth with weak, cowardly, lying men? Men who think it is okay to string folks along, lead them on and then dump them without a backwards glance?

As I told a friend of mine when she said now I can move on…life has been moving me on slowly but surely. As much as one may want to stay stuck, you can’t. No, I am not dating but I am going out. Sometimes. I am working and trying to make professional moves beneficial to me and my immediate future. I am maintaining friendships, trying to manage Dottie, having sex and being a good person to people. The missing is fading and while I am putting walls and doors back up around my heart…I am not swearing off finding love again. But this time around..it isn’t going to be with a self serving man or a thought it was but it wasn’t love…I am not going to have to guess at his feelings for me. No, next time…we are in it together. I fall, you fall. No more of the constantly hurting me love..from him or myself. You know, this has the same ending as the Him fiasco (and at least Him did dig his one testicle out of his ass to tell me he was going to marry the BTH/BTGD) except some lessons have been learned.

I am not going to be screaming and chasing the man down…he made his choice. I can no longer hold onto what isn’t there…I thought because he came back once, he would do so again. I thought once he had a chance to think and remember that he found me beautiful, sexy and fun…that I was gainfully and steadily employed and had medical insurance…that I spoke English and did not have children to detract from our time together… I thought he would find me worthy. But I have it twisted….he is the one unworthy and should be proving himself to me. I should not have to dumb myself down to make him feel like a man…it is one thing to stroke an ego, another to create the ego for him to have. So, yeah…I am okay. A breakdown may be coming but for now…I’m good and his loss. I am putting the hope I had for PC and I away…better is coming and I will need it then. I still need my validation though…the Panel does not know it yet but they will be telling me I am younger, prettier and smarter than both PC and MG for at least a week. Hey, it’s a process…a steady, slow and sure process. And I am ready to fully embrace it. Again.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day! New posts are on the way!

Undercover Terrorism

I am a good person. Really, I am. I am kind, have a good heart, a BIG heart, generous, sympathetic/empathetic…I am really a good person. I give when I have and when I don’t have, because that is who I am. And not just to friends or those who would be appreciative and grateful for/of my efforts…I am kind and good and caring towards the ungrateful, the unappreciative and to those who would probably never be able to repay me, even if they were in a position to do so. It’s easy to be nice to those who are nice to us…to reach out to enemies and the indifferent? There is a special place in Heaven for me. Maybe. Because I am also flawed…I commit sins and wish horrible things upon people and as sweet as I can be….I can be just as mean and some would say cruel. I am a contradiction…who else do you know turns tricks in her search for a happily ever after? Somehow, the two don’t go together….thinking only Julia Roberts and Richard Gere made it work. Today’s blog post is going to take on a Perry Mason turn…going to explore the good, the crazy, the crimes that brought the crazy about and whether I went too far…or not far enough. Be warned…you may want snacks as this post is probably going to be a little longer than usual.

There are two things that have inspired this post. First is a social media friend I call The Girl in Washington State…she posts on FB sometimes about the fuckery she is going through with her ex and his new girlfriend. Seriously, she is harassed and bullied on a constant basis by them when she says nothing and does nothing to provoke it…and I can definitely identify with harassment…on the giving end. Second is a poster I came across while online…the message was simple yet deep: Before the truth can set you free, you must first know which lie is holding you hostage. I know the lie which holds me hostage: I’m not good enough. I am not stupid and no longer as stuck as I was…I know that the men I have been basing my worth, beauty and viability upon are cowards lacking in balls and maturity. I know that their exits are a direct result of being caught/found out and not wanting to face me. Yet there are days that given my track record, that is not such a hard lie to believe in…and all I want from anyone is a proper goodbye when we part ways. Not a coward hightailing it like his ass was on fire. Tell me what I did wrong, or why I was no longer good enough. Tell me when I stopped making you happy and why I wasn’t long term material. Saving all that…can a girl just get a proper, sit down, let me down gently goodbye? Apparently not.

It may seem like I am rehashing old stuff and have not let go but trust me, there is only one I have not fully let go of. I like to think of this as studying for the next test…somewhere within these four men is a lesson I have not learned…why else would the same man keep coming back around in different forms? I want to learn it, because if I have to give myself closure or accept an apology I never got one.more.time., you guys will be looking at Inmate #58900674 and watching a re-creation of my crime on Deadly Women. How best to see where you are failing than to review the tape? And I am in a place where I can review it objectively, with no bias and without blinders. So please join me as I present my cases.

Married Man:
The Good: He was my first real relationship in ages, and I wanted it to be my only relationship. No, he did not have to marry me, but at the time I thought I wanted to be with this man forever. I was faithful to Married Man, he got keys to my apartment, I cooked all his favorite meals, I was constantly available (seriously, I was showered, dressed and perfumed at 4:30am on Saturdays for the man), With this guy I continued a pattern I thought was exclusive to addiction and I really, really need to get to the bottom of: he put us/me in jeopardy, allowed us to be found out, threw me under the bus…yet I am begging the man to not leave me. Three men and numerous instances of being fucked over later…I still do this. But I treated Married Man amazingly…in addition to all I mentioned before, he is the only man I have ever given money to…once to the tune of $2,000.00 (each man has something I gave them that was unique to them…no man got the same form of generosity from me)

The Crimes: Blatant, total disrespect. There is no other word for what he put me through….other women in my bed, giving his wife my personal information (address and phone number), humiliating me in front of my friends, reneging on important promises (the money to go visit my mother after her stroke is the biggest one), interrupting sex with me to answer phone calls from his wife, telling me I was not his wife when I demanded respect, fair treatment and time for us and last but not least…feeding me lie after lie when I told him I was leaving in an attempt to keep me hanging on even longer.

The Crazy: Honestly, there was no crazy with Married Man. Once I found out I DID have options and that I WAS a single woman, I began to live my life and when Married Man got pissed and started arguments…I put him in the closet. I think he enjoyed it because he went willingly. Other than that…nothing. I did not harass him (the way his wife did me, even after we broke up for good), I did not hate on him and I swallowed the bitter pill that was the tax fiasco. To this day, the man has no idea how lucky he is.

Verdict: No case.

Him:
The Good: When things were good between us, I was told constantly I was sweet, sexy and supportive. I did my best to live up to those accolades. The man had issues out the whazoo and I took on his issues as if they were my own: depression and inadequacy were the two biggest ones. I was told on several occasions that I needed someone taller, younger, more well endowed. In hindsight, I see now that I may have intimidated Him without meaning to and him was telling me he was the one not good enough. But I sent funny cards, told jokes, praised him’s skill in the bedroom, marveled over his endowment as we all know men measure their masculinity and worth in inches, made surprise visits, brought him presents, cooked for him and the unique generosity I bestowed upon him was my acceptance of kinky fetish. Trust me, when the men of Craigslist are shocked by it…you have gone a little too far. Yet, I accepted it and even roped in a couple of Panel members to help me help him indulge in it…at least in the viewing of it.

The Crimes: He left me for BTH/BTGD…no word, no apology, nothing. And when confronted with it, told me he felt he did not owe me an apology or explanation as it was not my business. Oh, and gave BTH/BTGD my personal information (email address)

The Crazy: The crazy that this breakup caused is unparalleled. Him was bombarded with countless, hateful emails by day and hang up phone calls at night. Every day and every night. For forever. I had a mental break with reality and tried to take everyone with me. Hell, I was breaking every one of the seven deadly sins with the amount of crazy I put me, him and everyone else through. Looking back, I can see that the crazy was just waiting to pop off as I lost trust in Him early in the relationship…I was hacking into the man’s email account and reading the truth but believing the lies he told. We did break it off and managed to have a great friendship…and him was the one who wanted to try again. Even after telling him that we did not have to embark on another relationship…we could just come together this one time and go back to what we had…him insisted that he wanted me and wanted to try again. Less than a month later, he was in love with BTH/BTGD and treating me like a day old turd..and the crazy was unleashed. And I will be the first to admit, I was extremely hateful and cruel…no wonder the man doubted my love..all I showed him once the shit hit the fan was hatred and disdain for him.

Verdict: Guilty by reason of insanity

AFO: I don’t think I ever really went crazy on AFO and there is a reason for that…he never gave me a reason to. For all his stupidity and ridiculosity, for all he did put out there when we were in each other’s company, he made sure to snatch it back before we parted ways. My crazy would have been wasted on the man but truth…truth repelled him like kryptonite does Superman. His crime was simply being himself and I am the one who fell for the mask…fell so hard, I basically moved him in with me, and NO MAN has ever had that act of generosity bestowed on them. There is no crime and no crazy here…he showed me who he really was and AFO is the first man I took at face value…, I soon gave up the fight to make anything work.

Prince Charming:
The Good: I would like to think we were good for each other…with him, I felt pretty, loved, protected and worthy. After all, here was a man who checked off every box on a physical wish list, understood me, accepted me and helped me rebuild esteem and confidence. In a very unorthodox way but no one could deny I was becoming a happier person and maturing emotionally. I rewarded him with my trust (unquestioned), devotion and loyalty (he is the only man to get me to take down my ads)….until he showed me he was undeserving of them. PC is the only man to get all of that. Ever. I made him laugh, he said I made him happy and it seemed that we were both falling in love…with each other.

The Crimes: Not sure what happened when he went out west or what transpired the four days he spent with MG and the California Crew, but the man returned a childish emotional bully incapable of compromise. Not sure if I can say the disappointments were the first clue, but given the fact that he has made at least two trips out west since we stopped speaking…they may well be. As hurtful as it is to say/admit, it would seem the man lied to me and led me on from the very beginning and not sure if I simply never meant anything or if I was beginning to mean too much…but his cowardice, his callousness and the fact he tried to play on my intelligence still has the ability to either anger or sadden me. I really thought he had more balls than that, especially given he knew how others had treated me.

The Crazy: Prince Charming has gotten off lightly…I have learned lessons from the Him Crazy Train. Part of the reason there is no hatred or venom is because I don’t hate him. I am confused disappointed and angry but I don’t hate the man. I also know that pointing out everything that is wrong with him, MG, the Mexi-Cali crew does nothing….people need to see what is right with you. So the first round of crazy when I first found out about the lies and the MG, I did beg him to come back to me. I could deal with us having what we could, while we could because in addition to liking the man and the attention…I wanted to feel pretty and wanted and worthy for as long as possible. This time around when he stopped speaking after being called out on further lies, flakiness and trying to further control me and dumb me down…I spelled out the truth the way it is presented to me…and no further words from that camp. I still reach out (not as often, but 4 months later, the missing is as fresh as Day 1) but only for a goodbye or some other form of closure. I am not driving PC crazy…I am driving myself crazy wondering, imagining and still hanging around.

Verdict: No charges have been filed

When I read over what I have written, I have to say that I trust too easily based on first impressions, but I am tired of living behind a wall of thorns. I forgive and forget too easily in my attempts to make something work when really, it is better to shoot it and put it out of its misery. I turn blind eyes and deaf ears to warning signals and red flags. All I want is to fall in love and be loved in return…that’s it. Maybe I should word it thusly: fall in love with the RIGHT guy…and things are looking up. I was able to fully trust Prince Charming for awhile, he definitely showed promise and I AM learning from each experience. I just need to stop having expectations that each guy is THE guy and that he will come the way I envision…they say the Devil comes packaged as everything you want. I guess to answer the answer the question: I do go too far, both with my good and my crazy. I’m not a terrorist, I am an extremist. There is a difference…just not sure what it is.

So I am finally going to wrap up this long ass post…I have laundry to do, dinner to cook and I will be back soon with new posts, updates (on what, I have NO idea) and maybe a few more love letters. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading, and as usual…enjoy your day!

Life with Dottie

I totally love my Panel…I swear, I have been beyond blessed with friends who provide me with what I cannot seem to muster for myself. In my last blog post, I told you guys about lunch with Captain America and all the issues/questions that it raised (even if I did not mean to do that) and when talking things over with Weekend Phone Friend, he gave me the perfect way to look at things. He told me that I am the chick who has had a relationship with Prince Charming and has Captain America crushing on her…how cool is THAT? When I miss PC something awful, Artsy Craftsy goes Grey’s Anatomy on me. In the episode when Christina sees Burke again for the first time since he left her at the altar, she calls Meredith in a complete panic, wondering what should she do, what was going on, why BURKE? Meredith tells her very calmly to remember that the man took pieces of her when he left and his mama took her eyebrows. So now when I tell Artsy that I miss PC, she tells me to remember the man took my eyebrows.

Yes, my Panel has been there through thick and thin when it comes to the fiascos that are my emotional relationships but I did not know how they would react to a medical emergency. Trust me, Dottie has thrown me and everyone close to me for a loop and dealing with her arrival was just the beginning. Dealing with her on a daily basis is not what I expected and while I think the fatigue, the sugar spikes, mood swings, edginess and random outbursts of rage would hurt and alienate my Panel…they are troopers. They are still hanging with me, ignoring the outbursts, drying the tears and forgiving me when I fall asleep in the middle of conversations. According to them, they really don’t see a difference in me whether it is Dottie or the men (before, during or afterwards).

So by now, everyone pretty much knows I am diabetic and we all know I found out via a TIA (transient ischemic attack), which as best as I can understand and explain it, is the stroke before a stroke. We all know I was arguing with PC when it happened (and after it happened) and I honestly thought and jokingly told folks PC gave me a stroke. But I was super scared, readers. My mother has had a stroke, and it is only by the grace of God she was at work (she is a retired RN and worked in a hospital) when it happened. I have had an aunt who was a prisoner in her own body unable to speak or do anything for herself for decades because of a stroke. I have seen the droopy faces, clawed hands and heard the slurred speech…and I did not want that. I had weakness, numbness, tingling, I was disoriented and had no balance or coordination, but I was scared to do anything. I thought if I could push through this, it would go away. I am such an ignorant ostrich sometimes…bury my head in the sand and the problems go away. Not.

Thank God for control issues…in spite of the weakness, numbness and confusion, I was hellbent determined to make it through the day and cross off items on my to-do list, including the grocery store. Not sure what a fridge full of food would have done had I died but I just thought that I would need food to eat should I actually live. I was scared to death that day, readers…but if I gave into the fear, I feel I would shown weakness. I do enough of that with the men in my life, and maybe that is another problem I create. I always present this strong, confident mask to the world and that is how people perceive me, but when the mask comes off and I show my frailties and insecurities…no one knows what to do with that woman. But, when Dottie made her arrival, I kept the mask on: I stayed at work, I ate, I smoked, I laughed and joked. I even got work done even though I was too weak to hold a pen in my hand. I kept my cool even though even answering a yes or no question overwhelmed me.

The only reason I ended up going to the hospital was because the numbness on my left side had spread to my trunk/groin area and I could not feel myself using the bathroom, regardless of which number I was going and there was sexual dysfunction. And I have come a long, long way with Dottie because in spite of having book knowledge of her and knowing folks who have her…I was pretty clueless about her. While I knew how to inject the insulin, I had no idea if it took or not and I never swabbed the injection site with alcohol. There was NO clue as to how to dispose of needles and in the beginning, I had no idea I had to use a fresh needle every time. In fact, I had no idea how to read the insulin levels in the syringe and threw away about at least a month’s worth of insulin by mistake. I eventually took myself off the insulin and for a lot of reasons: I could not afford it (even discounted, it was almost $300), insulin raises blood pressure and discourages the body from producing its own insulin and my mother told me I really did not need it. I am on 2000 mg of Metformin/day and also on Glypizide…I only took 10 units of insulin at bedtime. And since being off the insulin, sugar levels are actually a little lower and I am not as fatigued…it comes in waves now, as before it was constant.

For me, Dottie brings constant neuropathy…best way to explain that is she is literally plucking my nerves. It feels as if your feet are stuffed in shoes that are 2 sizes too small (so they hurt and basically cannot remove them) and your foot is asleep…permanently. I am not sure how I am still sane and have not chopped my foot off. I already know the TIA left me with some nerve damage, but this is kinda ridiculous. Oh, sometimes the neuropathy is coupled with spasms that are small and slight and make me twitch but there are times the spasms are so strong, my leg shakes, shoots out involuntarily and once, you could see the muscles rippling through my leg like a bowling ball falling down stairs. The numbness on my left side is still very much present…I have maybe 30% feeling there and it feels like I have dry ice inside of me…it is cold and burns; I have gotten so used to that it is simply a part of life. I am just happy to feel the water in the shower on my skin again. When she first arrived, I could feel absolutely nothing. At all. Weakness in my right hand and left leg are still issues…there are days I need my cane, and days I don’t but I try to make sure to carry it with me wherever I go because who knows when the leg will give out? And it HAS happened….better to not need and have than not have and need.

The mood swings are much better…there are days I cry but it is because I have run out of steam on all levels. Angry outbursts are the results of the edginess that the neuropathy brings with it and more than likely the stupidity of other people and/or my impatience. Eating…at this point I pretty much know what is off the table and what isn’t. I do notice that if I go more than a day with absolutely no sugar, I feel horrible. So I do eat some sugar pretty much every day…Lorna Doones are good for me and there are times I eat chocolate but I have to watch the chocolate. Weird thing is, my sugar levels do what they want. One day after eating a plate of spaghetti (carb city) and a chocolate cupcake (with cream filling)…my sugar fell to 50. But the next day after meals of oatmeal, fruit, lunchmeat on whole grain bread and salad…it was 275. I just try to balance it out so I don’t feel like death on a cheap cracker. And here is another interesting tidbit about Dottie: the lower my sugar, the worse the neuropathy…when my sugar goes to over 200, the neuropathy goes away. My sugar levels do not go that high that often anymore. The highest reading I have had since being on the meds is 300, and I already know I completely overdid it that day.

Dottie is a very personal condition…she affects everyone differently. Kind of like addiction…we may have the same symptoms and the same issues with her, but everyone’s story is different. Hell, every DAY is different with her. I try to stay positive about having her and try not to let her affect my lifestyle but right now, she does. More on a financial level than anything though…I know to pack snacks and wear comfortable shoes and bring my cane along, but she is costing me in so many ways: when I miss work, I do not get paid; there are doctors’ appointments to pay for, and medications and supplies that are needed. I am not taking vacations, planning summer activities/outings nor am I even making plans for a Saturday out and about, using groupons. Do you know what I AM doing? Trying to make a 40 hour work week, something that has been achieved maybe three times since her arrival. I am trying to unglue my ass from a mattress on days I do not have to get up early for work. It’s hard and what I really need is at least a week off to rest my body and allow it to continue to heal from damage inflicted.

I do have fears with/about Dottie…the biggest three are for my vision, my kidneys and a stroke/heart attack. I don’t want to be blind, on dialysis or dead. Granted, diabetes is no longer the death sentence it once was and the repercussions and consequences are no longer as dire, but they are still very much a real possibility. Hell, diabetes no longer has to be a life sentence but I am mindful that Dottie demands respect even if she does not offer it in return. I do my best to respect her even though I am sure the cigarettes are NOT helping. You know, if/when people find out I am diabetic, their first response is: I’m sorry, which is weird to me. First, it isn’t their fault and second…when I look back at the life I led (addiction, abuse, excesses)…if Dottie is the price I pay, I’m okay with that..to an extent. Like I said before…no blindness, dialysis, amputations or death. Please. Oh, and let me throw in being able to have and enjoy sex and orgasms. Pretty please. I will deal with the fatigue, the neuropathy, the bouts of diarrhea, the mood swings…I hold out hope that once I get Dottie under some sort of control, I won’t have to deal with them the way I do now, but if I do, I do. My control issues come in handy for some things, some times.

Doubtful I will EVER get Dottie under control…I know folks who have had diabetes for years and they still have to take it one day at a time. There are times I feel like a newbie in recovery, armed with 90 days clean and two paragraphs of the Big Book, entering a crack house filled with active addicts…ready to take on the world. Then there are times I just want to fade away from the world and the pain of the neuropathy and the meds and the twice daily testing. But I don’t…when I can’t take on the world, I cannot let it take me on although it has tried. And now I would like to ask you readers to do me a favor…please test your blood sugar levels at least once a week, especially if you are overweight, don’t have the healthiest of diets/eat a LOT of red meat, smoke, drink alcohol on a regular basis, have a family history of diabetes and/or other health issues such as hypertension/high blood pressure, high cholesterol or heart problems. Everyone says that hypertension is the silent killer, but Dottie came on with no symptoms or warning. I did not have to pee excessively, I did not have unquenchable thirst…I had a TIA at work. THAT was my symptom, don’t let it be yours.

So finally wrapping this post up…it is past Dottie’s dinnertime and she needs her meds. I have started another blog post (who knows when I finish it) so check back for that. And please, please, please take care of yourselves and your health. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!