I have been on a date. Two of them. With the same guy. Real, dinner and a movie dates. And while I may not be ready to jump back in the dating pool or open myself up to another person right now, it has been nice to dip my toes in and look at the water. I placed an ad on CL for a dinner partner, he answered and we had a decent enough time. He was funny, sympathetic, a proud papa, happily single and accommodating. I was probably a self centered, needy chick who wants to be anything BUT single, but he overlooked that. Then we had another date (maybe date is too ambitious…he pays for dinner, I cover the movies. Is that a date?) and again, it was nice and fun. We may do it again and I have no objection. It is nice to have someone to share my day/week with over food and someone to sit in the movie theater with.
We probably won’t go any further than outing friends…he has an fwb and I am not ready. I am still eager for (constant) attention, I am still too ready to belong to someone and waaay too ready to bond and attach myself to someone just so I can try to recapture a happiness that belongs to/with another man, another relationship. I am not ready to let the next one be himself, to let things unfold naturally and discover a new happiness. Hell, I am not even ready to tackle the issues and revelations going on inside of me, which is why today’s post is about Secret Lover.
Apparently I owe the entire Panel an apology because no one knows who the hell I am talking about when it comes to Secret Lover, not even Morning Person. This is why I titled this post Vegas after the popular slogan…what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Granted, Secret Lover came along when there was no Panel and I was in the early heydays of Married Man but still hard to believe that I neglected to tell anyone this…and if you know me, you know I tell all my business. So consider this post me spreading the news and introducing you to a guy who is/was an FWB before the term become popular.
I met Secret Lover about 1,000 years ago (actually, closer to 9 years ago)…I had not been in my apartment a full year and Married Man and I were as close to being in love with each other at the same time as we would ever be…except when I met Secret Lover, we were broken up. As usual, which should tell you our version of being in love. I mention this tidbit because when I am in a “relationship”, I do not cheat. I am fiercely loyal, which may be why Secret Lover has never really been a topic for discussion…we see each other when I am not committed and remember, I can be a relationship all by myself. In any case, we met at night…late night. I remember it was raining and I was outside smoking a cigarette while waiting for laundry to dry. (I had the brilliant idea to do laundry at 1am) I was wearing a nightgown that was not particularly revealing or sexy but I obviously caught his eye.
SL was driving past and he stopped his car in the middle of the street after glancing over at me…he then backed up, parked and walked up to me. If I had any sense, I would have just gone back inside but I was just getting to the good part of the cigarette and he really was cute. I am a sucker for cute and a fool for handsome. So he was tall, good looking and drunk…really, he smelled like someone poured a bottle of gin on his head. I was sans eye liner, lipstick and hair…and I was a LOT fatter/heavier back then…and his first words to me were: you’re beautiful. Thus followed some banter and awkward pickup lines…I told him he was drunk; he said he was tipsy and not blind; he asked did I live in the neighborhood…I just looked down at my nightgown and bedroom slippers. He said he wanted me…to touch me, to taste me. I told him it would cost him…and Secret Lover gave me every dollar in his wallet ($175) AND carried the laundry up!
SL is a great masseuse…he actually studied massage at one point when he was single in an effort to meet/pickup ladies. When we met, he had a girlfriend but they were not living together…now they are and have bought a house together. He never mentions engagement or marriage. I did ask once if he loved her and his response was: I am comfortable with her. She is the one who knows I like fishsticks and orange kool-aid when I am sick; I know she will leave her day’s outfit all over the bedroom and maybe part of the bathroom. We know things about each other, we can deal with each other. And that was all he has ever said about his relationship..that and he wants no children. He knows when I am in a relationship and kinda hated on PC for a minute because I was so wrapped up in that bubble of happiness. Secret Lover is the one who told me with each unhappy ending to stop arguing with men; I didn’t need them when I had him. But I do not have SL, not really.
Certainly, I am a convenience for the man and the times I have been unavailable, he gave begging a brand new name; the few times I gave in, he would say he was thirsty for a tall glass of water. And I do believe I am the only woman he sees outside his relationship. I remember when he asked about a dental appointment and I told him I had periodontal disease…he said he would be right back. He came back with a condom because he thought periodontal disease was an STD and he REALLY wanted some oral that day. That was a WOW moment on a lot of levels. He knows nothing about my past, my addiction or even about the men/relationships save I cared for them, they hurt me, I went buttfuck crazy. He does know when I am unemployed because I tell him and he always offers extra money. I have no idea where he works, what he does for a living or even what kind of car he drives.
We don’t know a lot about each other but I know this: I trust him. Maybe this is why the Panel does not know of Secret Lover…there is no need to tell them I have a date coming over, no need to check in afterwards. In fact, my trust in/of SL is what prompted me to even mention him…he asked to take explicit pictures of me and it struck me as I agreed to it, that this is probably the only man I would do this for. No way would AFO or Married Man be able to get me to agree to anything like that. Him and PC never asked for pictorial evidence but not sure I would have given in had they asked. Even though what I have with SL is nothing but acronyms (NSA, FWB), I never feel used with him and there is zero analysis…probably because I have no expectations and no hope for us. We just…are and how I wish I could have been that way with the men I cared about, but part of having no expectations and hope is that none are given. SL makes no declarations or promises…he is completely upfront and honest. He does not say he wants to take me places, he does not ask me to call him anything but his name, he only calls me when he is actually on the way. No promises, no mixed signals.
And maybe that is why we work so well together and have lasted so long. The boundaries are clearly defined and the nature of what we have is crystal clear. I think that is why my control issues are at ease with him…no need to be perfect or to hide my flaws. First, he is not here long enough to notice if I am flawed or fabulous and no need to show Secret Lover I am worthy of progression or labels or anything like what I feel when the common sense leaves my body over a guy I can envision a future with. What we have now is the best it’s going to get. Period. And I am okay with that. SL is the perfect example of me being able to work within stated parameters.
So there it is…the tale of Secret Lover and you readers know as much as I do about the man. I am going to get started on changing my closet over which will probably take at least 4 evenings/nights (seriously, I bagged up and gave away three trashbags of clothes and still not a lot of space to work with) and start drafting new posts. I know what I want to write about but who knows what will actually transpire…I have been promising a post on Meredith Grey for years. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…..enjoy your day!