It is an incredibly beautiful Memorial Day weekend…seriously, this has to be one of the nicest stretches of weather so far this year. Temps in the 70s, low humidity, plenty of blue skies and sunshine…yet, I am indoors, writing away while eating one of those bagged salads that expired yesterday. There is a good reason for that: I have a cold. It is not as bad as some I have had but it is bad enough that all I want is to sleep and be left alone. There is congestion, scratchy throat and bouts of coughing and sneezing. The general public is probably very happy I have decided to isolate myself, and I am more than happy to be alone and tell you guys about a day in my life. For the first time in about three months, I feel okay with me and where I find myself.
This is a moment I (and probably everyone I know , including you readers) have been waiting for. Do you readers know how tired I am of whining and pining away over Prince Charming? How tired I am of being whiny, conflicted and a distrustful bitch? (Seriously, when things were great with us, it was so incredibly indescribably wonderful to have trust in someone. It was freeing and peaceful.) Does anyone have any idea how ridiculous I feel to still have feelings for the man and to go to sleep hoping I dream of a reconciliation between us? How much I wish I could go back to the time when the lies were the truth? But, no more (or at least for today and the past few days)…even though I firmly believe that understanding is the first step towards acceptance, sometimes understanding really is as simple as falling for assholes and the only fault of yours is giving your heart to the wrong man. Period. Not my fault PC was Craigslist wrapped in eHarmony clothing.
I am finally removing the rose colored glasses that I kept firmly in place in spite of truth and reality slapping me in the face and the assault on my trust issues since January. The man is simply not.worth.it. I do not regret Prince Charming but let’s face it…he is a liar, a coward and has the mentality, maturity level and mindset of a teenage girl. He is not and was not ready for something real, responsible and substantial, and lacked the balls to tell me. There is a void with his absence, but I have spent far too much time and energy focusing on what I lost rather than remembering that I deserve better, that who is left in my life is so much more valuable and when Higher Powers close doors, They open windows. I am going to let go (as much as I can…Facebook stalking is still a very real possibility) and stop telling Panel members I think MG is a ruse for PC to actually date her daughter. Readers, please don’t pay that last statement any attention because I am known to twist my exes into sexual perverts when all is said and done.
So, I am going to tell you all about my Monday. May I just say that Mondays (in my book) do not need any help whatsoever in getting/being worse, yet somehow my Monday was off the charts and ripe with stupidity. It started with texts and emails from practically every man who has ever answered my ad reaching out to me. And not the decent, sincere ones…no, the flakes, negotiators and general assholes all found our prior communications and showed me that while time may heal all wounds, it does nothing for manners and common sense. I even heard from Ted, the guy from Utah who could/could not be PC in disguise. Let me fill you in on that one…he emailed me about 3 weeks ago and I responded (I am polite like that): I said hello and asked how was he doing and hoped life was treating him well. He comes back 8 hours later telling me he’s alive and I was merely an escort he passed on, so stop emailing him. Hmmmm…didn’t HE email ME? But I left it alone…I know who and what I am and sometimes…I even know who and what are simply not worth second thoughts. Then Monday, he emails asking how is his baby and he misses me. I ignored the email…two hours later, I am a bitch and I deserve all I get. Wow.
Couple these electronic aggravations with an incredibly busy day at work and all I wanted was a break. Which I was getting at lunchtime: I had a date with Captain America! Captain America (my team gave him the name) is the 23 year old security guard at work who is crushing on me hard, or at least that is the way I see it. He always stops at my window when on his rounds to stare at me. I would say talk to me, but he really does not have a lot to say…he is content to stand there and watch me go about my business while I prattle on to fill the silence. In the winter, he would fetch me my coat and help me into it and when I say my shoulders are tight, he comes into the office to rub my shoulders. He walks me to the elevator and hugs me good night when it is time for me to go home. He is very courtly and gentlemanly, which are good things. We have exchanged email addresses and phone numbers but it is rare we communicate outside the office. When I told him last week that I would not be in the office on Friday (he works part time second shift, Friday-Monday so we only see each other 2 days a week), he suggested he come in early on Monday to meet me for lunch. Said it would be an honor and a pleasure to do so. I had my misgivings: the man cannot hold a ten minute conversation with me, so what would we do for an hour? It is evident to me and my entire team that the man is infatuated with me (so you already know he is crazy), but even if I could past the age difference (25 years) and just go with it…we all know I get attached too quickly and we all know this would not be a long term thing here. I am not emotionally equipped for things that are just for the fun of it. But, I like seeing him look at me like I am ice cream on a hot day, I like that when I am not at my desk, he searches for me, I like being liked.
I wore a new dress for the lunch. The dress…online it looked simply divine. I went into debt over this dress, that is how pretty it was. It is black with watermelon colored polka dots and it is a skater style dress of which I have two other dresses in the same style. However, this one was…different. It fit differently, and by differently, I mean…wrong. It showed the sides of my bra (I had to wear a shrug with it), accentuated all my fullness and plumpness in not flattering ways and the material was just…weird. It felt like a heavy damask drape and the polka dots felt like bubble wrap. Pair that with the hair I chose to wear…I looked like a cross between Mama Cass of The Mamas and the Papas and a spotted whale. Do not let anyone tell you differently….if they do, they are lying. If this were a blind date, I would have cancelled but hell, Captain America has seen me before. Lots of times before, so while the dress did bother me a little, I was pretty blasé about it. Well, as blasé as I can get about things which means I only asked three people how I looked instead five.
The lunch…it started with an incredibly Grey’s Anatomy moment: my nerves were frazzled and frayed, not only from the neuropathy and my now constant edginess and the not so divine dress, but also from the above mentioned electronic ridiculosity. As soon as we were seated, I left Captain America perusing the menu (he had never been to the restaurant before) under the pretext of using the bathroom. And yes, I did have to pee but really, I wanted to talk to Artsy Craftsy. Well, vent to Artsy Craftsy since I ended up doing most of the talking. And readers, I was sitting on the toilet, pantyhose around my knees with toilet tissue in one hand and my phone in the other, having a mini-meltdown. Over lots of things: the constant state of pain and numbness Dottie brings, Prince Charming and his complete rejection of me and all things me, the realization I HAVE started to let go of PC (whether I want to or not), the fact that Captain America is 25 years younger (I could be his mother!), and that I am simply not ready….and I WANT to be ready. I want someone to share my day with, someone to look at me as if I am the only woman in the world, someone to rub my(covered) feet at the end of a stressful day. But I do not want to start over…I do not want to learn, explain, invest and have emotions grow and end up once again in a spot where I am left alone, stuck on stupid and wondering why me. I don’t. Artsy Craftsy was her usual wonderful self…she pointed out that I am peeing in a toilet and that there were more dignified ways to have a breakdown, and a first date (if it was that) is not the time to have one. Besides, I was doing what I do best: NOT staying in the moment. Forget the past, forget the future…right now, I was having a delicious lunch with a man who found me fascinating. Enjoy THAT.
And you know what? Lunch was great: he told me about his family (he and his brother live at home with parents), his time at West Point and his hopes of making the cut with a local police department. He told me he did not want children and was single. He asked me about hobbies and interests, living in the city and one thing he said that made me feel a bit better and a little silly at my bathroom meltdown is that he does not like getting emotionally involved with co-workers. So maybe he just likes me as a person and looks at me as a friend. THAT would be nice. So we laughed, talked and went back to work. And when it was time for rounds, he again came to the window and told me lunch was good and he had fun. I told him it was good for me also and it was…when I let go of issues and expectations I thought he would have of me, it was really nice to have lunch with a guy who found me good company… without nudity or mind games. Lunch with Captain America erased the stress of the morning and put me in a much better mood for the remainder of the day….amazing what some positive male attention can do for a girl. Then Friday, when he walked me to the elevator, he said it would be a week before we saw each other again and that was too long. Not reading too much into that…I have enough going on in my head without adding to the pile.
So this is all I wanted to share with you guys…and it could have been condensed to four sentences tops: Had a crappy Monday. Went to lunch with a cute, younger guy. Had breakdown in the bathroom. Had fun anyway. Hoping everyone has a relaxing and safe rest of the weekend; I am going to clean, cook, do laundry and finally write the post about Dottie. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!