40 Days

Life rolls on, moving forward and I am doing my best to keep up and follow suit. Thoughts of revenge and retaliation have fallen by the wayside…no longer worrying about comeuppance or harming/hurting. God forgives, and so did I (no way will this be forgotten though) …besides, Karma will set things right. I have even deleted PC/CP’s contact information from my phone. New Mommy says that is a big step, but really, it isn’t. I have it all memorized …full name, birth date, phone number, home address. And backed up to my Outlook contacts. Trust me when I tell you the gesture is symbolic. I think what makes it so difficult for me to just accept who the man is now is because in addition to falling for him, I believed and believed in PC. Believe is defined as having confidence in the truth, the existence or the reliability of someone or something…..and because of how he presented himself, how before Utah/MG, he never gave me a reason to doubt. Never. And I have never had belief in a man before…I wanted to have it, I tried to have it but it just wasn’t there. With PC, for awhile…it was. Now I am wondering how I ended up the villain in his story and questioning his choices and decisions. All I can say is I had hopes and expectations both for him and of him and wanted more for the man than what he wants for himself.

Then I hit upon an idea which will probably sound silly, sacrilegious and won’t work but anything is worth a shot. Got the idea from Artsy Craftsy and Girlfriend…Girlfriend is giving up chocolate and sodas for Lent, Artsy Craftsy is trying to figure out what to give up for Lent and while I have never observed Lent, I decided I would give up PC (and all that entails) for Lent. Strange I know…who gives up a person for Lent? Lent is all about sacrifice and resisting temptation…I think PC fits the criteria, or rather my pursuit of answers for what is simply crappy behavior from an obvious asshat fits the criteria. It is time to stop the self torture for good, time to stop pissing myself off…what is meant for me won’t miss me. It knows exactly where I am. And then I went a step further: I decided to also give up the ads, the pursuit of men, sex and personal relationships. Now that is a sacrifice… I need attention and affection the way babies need milk. I did have some incentive in giving up the ads for awhile…I had the strangest incidents happen.

This is going to sound so far out there but it was simply too many coincidences to not piece it together the way I did: two guys within two days of each other. One was named Ted, the other Tad. Both were white, divorced and 6’3”…three qualities PC/CP possesses. One was from Utah (where his parents are) with a fondness for Mexican food (need I say more?) and the other was from NC, close to where MY parents live (a fact PC/CP is aware of). Both said I was beautiful without ever seeing my face, one said I could make a rag look sexy (such a PC phrase…remember a piece of bread would be a feast if shared with me), both wanted an extended session, both wanted to establish a connection and both wanted to do something special for me (a gift like perfume or lingerie) and both wanted kinky sex with some roleplay thrown in. Tad (from NC) even wanted us to meet first so we could talk and if I didn’t like what he had to say, I could walk away, no hard feelings. And they both disappeared after a day of conversation. I have been in this game off and on for longer than I care to count and to get two guys with the same traits, same turns of phrases, same wants/desires and same method of flaking within two days of each other? Factor in Utah, Mexican food and a desire to have a mysterious conversation …not sure what else I am supposed to think.

Thinking this is what I need to finally settle down and focus on ME and my medical condition. There is so much more to this diabetes: in the past week, Chinese food damn near sent me into another episode after spiking my blood sugar to the level it was when I had the first one. This is going to be the biggest change/adjustment that I can see so far….having to be conscious of everything that I eat, and realizing that some things I love and adore will have to either be eliminated or become the very rare treat. Cheeseburgers, French fries, fruit, pizza, oatmeal, sandwiches, cookies, cakes, pies, spaghetti, yogurt, potatoes, sodas…it has all become a strategy. What I eat at one point during the day determines/affects what I can eat later in the day. A day of healthy eating yields blood sugar levels scary high while a day of regular eating has me in the normal/safe zone. There are carbs in everything save proteins, water, unsweetened tea (very different from diet tea) and water…so when planning my 3-5 servings of carbs per meal I have to factor in the entire meal, drink included. I have found some tasty treats that are allowable: kettle corn (so far my favorite with its blend of salt and sweet), plain cake doughnuts and popsicle although somebody please save me from sugar free pudding…it tastes like tepid tap water. Also have to factor in all kinds of things also affect blood sugar levels …things like colds, hormones, menstrual cycles, smoking, exercise levels…too many things. I am sure I will get the hang of it eventually, but right now…it’s a problem.

And I have had mood swings so ridiculous, I think I need to check myself into a psych ward. Crying spells that last an hour, anger and rage so intense, I scared my team at work and an upbeat mood swing that felt totally…”false” and practically manic. My period has returned after being on hiatus since Thanksgiving, my goiter has damn near disappeared and I have feeling in /on my left side but only from shoulder to thigh…and it hurts. My feet tingle and feel as if they are asleep the majority of the time, my legs still spasm and give out on me and the meds give me nightmares and strange dreams. I am not complaining though…. there is always a price to pay. Always. And usually the bill comes due long after we have forgotten the debt. So looking at the diabetes as payment time for half a lifetime of drug abuse, hard partying and overindulgence in good food. I just have to take each day as it comes and sometimes, each hour as it comes (those mood swings are random and show up at the most inopportune times)…stability is not a strong point for me right now. Take that last statement anyway you want.

So while I will probably fail at my Lent offering, it will not be for lack of trying. As you have read, I have more than enough to keep me occupied and focused while I try to stabilize both myself and my blood sugar levels. But that won’t stop my stupid, stupid heart…mark my words. Better yet, check back and find out. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!


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