Before I get started with today’s very long, kinda convoluted, and a whole lot truthful posting, I want to address something. It has occurred to me that I may be coming across as being racist against the Mexican Girlfriend because she is Mexican. Let me state right here, right now it has absolutely NOTHING to do with her being Mexican and EVERYTHING to do with her not speaking our language. And it is not just her…she is simply the poster child. If you are going to live in a place where the language is foreign to you…learn the language. When I list places to go/see/live…I am looking for an English speaking place because I already know I am unwilling and probably unable to learn a new language. I have what I call tourist speak when it comes to Spanish…meaning I can greet you and probably ask the cost of something. Oh, and to tell you IN Spanish that I do NOT speak Spanish. That’s it, but that’s okay because I live in an English speaking country…I don’t NEED to know Spanish. THAT is my beef with her and anyone else who comes to America for opportunity and growth yet has so little respect for it that they cannot be bothered to learn our language but expect us to know theirs. Now on to the blog post…grab snacks.
I am totally #TeamFeisty. I love her so very much and she loves me back…she is my crusader at work (she is my #1 fan), she knows when I am having a bad day no matter the reason for it and keeps me in line, especially now that I am diabetic. The other day the Girl Scout cookies I ordered (pre-diagnosis) arrived…all five boxes of them. And I was bad, readers…I ate an entire sleeve of Trefoils (the shortbreads) before getting busted by Feisty One. She calmly picked up my remaining boxes, gave them all away and cheerfully refunded my dollars. When I protested that the cookies only came around once a year, she responded with she was trying to keep me around another year. She and I sat down after work for a long, catch-up pow-wow and we got around to the subject of PC/CP. Come on, do not be shocked or surprised…did you really think I had fully accepted that it was over? Did you really think I had no more analysis left or that Hope wasn’t poking her head around sniffing for yet another chance? But this time around, we are done. In addition to being sosososo tired and drained, I am beyond pissed and hurt and I have him being too cowardly to even look this way again. He has no excuses, apparently no apologies and there are not any he can give me at this point. As far as I am concerned, the man asked for a second chance to simply be an asshole…which makes him an asshole in my book.
I told Feisty One what Morning Person is calling brand new crazy and I fully expected Feisty to agree, but she went off on a tangent I never expected. Feisty told me what I was doing was not crazy…dirty fighting for sure, but not crazy . Crazy was chasing after a known cheater and liar knowing full well I no longer trusted him. She said for me to stop wasting time and efforts with a non-existent breakup (fitting for what has become a non-existent relationship) …neither of us were done with the other…if we were, he would have told me he was with MG..it’s over, go live your life. If I were done, obsessive thoughts aside, I would be DONE. No communication at all. What I fail to realize is that I messed up the game plan by finding out about MG and I am not seeing the picture from PC/CP’s perspective ….MG and I are sister wives…we are teammates. (I had an image of the three of us living together, she and I teaching each other our respective languages) He is splitting his time between us and remember when I had all his attention, when it was so wonderful? Well, it is MG’s turn…my time will come again. Feisty then went on to say no one knows what is going on over there with them…not even them. Hell, for all she knows the man is not talking to anyone at all and is sitting in the middle of his bed jacking off, all by his lonesome feeling whatever he feels. I am thinking I like Downstairs Neighbor’s analysis…the man is a bipolar sociopath. In conclusion, Feisty One said if I was going to continue to hang around, prepare to compromise and cave even more and put my time and efforts towards sincerely rebuilding or cut my losses, cry my eyes out and be done.
So here is what I have been doing and the deal behind it. I already know it will not make sense to a LOT of people, but to those who know me and that one person out there who knows exactly where I am coming from…it will make perfect sense. In my mind, to be truly free of the man he needs to make the move cross country. He has to make a definite decision that will close the door on the rationalizations and justifications I make for men. Right now, he keeps me dangling and there is no need for that. As long as he keeps me in limbo, he knows he has me. We both know it. Hell, we ALL know it. So while I may want him gone, I don’t. I want whoever this man is now to be gone. I want Prince Charming back. And in my own little passive aggressive, dirty fighter way, in an attempt to be rid of the man…I am still holding on to him. Even though I told him I no longer wanted the sun rising and setting on us at the same time. Now I am sending him job leads for Utah and California…. hell, I am begging him to take one at a non-profit close to his parents’ town in Utah. Told him the pay was not a lot (mid 40s for an attorney position) but he would be helping people, Cali was a day trip away and pretty soon he would be part of a two income household and then his dream of eating Mexican food, speaking Spanish and giving crowded house a brand new meaning ‘til death do they part can become a reality. Morning Person swears no way is the man reading more hateful messages, but I think he is. He is looking for the change in behavior, the change of heart…and as Feisty One says, at least this time there is something helpful/productive in the messages. It’s progress.
My handling of a breakup (regardless of who initiates it…I have been known to put my foot down, only to put it in my mouth) is HORRIBLE. I read an astrological profile of myself…well, not of/for me personally (it was an in general for all Leos) but damned if these people have not been living my personal life. Some of the things they mentioned were: I am in love with the honeymoon phase of a relationship…I never want it to end; I respond better when I feel/think my partner is actively returning my affections (I think everyone does that though); I immerse myself fully into a relationship and get resentful when I end up carrying the load alone; I want, need and crave attention and that I tend to hold onto relationships far longer than necessary in hopes the other person will follow the script in my head. And that is what I do…I want to keep trying because we CAN make this work, we CAN have a happily ever after…they just don’t know it yet. . Another aspect is I do not want to be alone and hurting and I wonder what they are doing, who are they with, are they happy without me? Trying to control a situation that is completely out of my control (if ever it was in my control) which leads to online stalking, which leads to self torture. Every status and photo posted, everything “liked”…it is all fair game and open to speculation. Here’s a hint: instead of making your friends private, how about making your other stuff private also? Although, here is an even better idea: how about I mind my own business, live my life and let others live theirs? And I know I am not the only one who does this, probably even amongst the ones I am stalking. Yeah, the woman who is striving for emotional healthiness and inner peace and the whole let go, let God attitude is selfish, stagnant and stifling and would rather be alone and hurting in a barely there relationship than be alone and healing.
I think an overlooked (but very important) aspect when it comes to me and breakups is the people pleaser in me….back in the early days of PC/CP and I, when the disappointments and broken promises first began I told him I wanted out. Several times. But I kept coming back because I know how it feels to be rejected; I did not want him hurting and alone; after all the begging and pleading with him to not leave…I was the one leaving. What sense did that make? Probably lots but my heart is stupid. And when he pulls his stunts and disappears, I go scrambling to get him back because I MUST have done something wrong to make him leave. The bombardments of crazy…it is partly the crazy that is born of mixing all the ingredients just talked about together. It is partly hurt and anger wanting to vent and inflict. But it is mostly me not wanting to be forgotten…whether you remember as a sweetheart or the Fatal Attraction chick….I want to be remembered. Oscar used to say that all the time and I did not get it…but I get it now. I want to have worth, value and validation and whether it is by being famous or infamous in your memory banks…you still know my name either way. I think if I am not emailing or texting everyday with SOMETHING…I will be forgotten. Artsy Craftsy gently pointed out that I am not scoring points or winning friends with that approach but I do not need to score points. I am the one who got fucked over; I don’t need to be trying to rescue a mortally wounded relationship when my trust and heart have been broken and the attacker has the nerve to say they are pissed at me for being hateful. Yet, I do. Always, I do.
But, it’s ended. For real. I prayed over the situation (yet again) and I received a sign that not even I could ignore that it is time to release the burden this man has become. And I did… the letter I wrote him was effortless. I told him I was tired and unhappy and if he had any sense he would be too. I am done and I was sorry we could not compromise and connect, I was sorry we ended up being disappointments to each other, and I am probably the last to know, but whatever this is, is over. I would not be bothering him anymore, hoped he was at least checking out the job leads because I really did want something long term and stable for him. I did want him to be happy. And I mean that…it was a fun fling, we were special and happy for awhile but we have not been that since he disappeared in Utah and sent this idiot back in his place. Maybe the smallest expectations were the largest for him when it came to me. Maybe his decision was already made and I was the sowing of the oats. Who knows? I do know I am no Sister Someone-Everything …my crazy does not yield the desired results. And it is time to live my life, leave his alone and see who’s next. Well, this ended up being a workbook that shows me that there are more things that need looking at and working on within me, and if you made it this far…thank you for not giving up on a sista.
As always, thanks for stopping past and reading, and as usual…..enjoy your day!