Two things have generated this blog post. First thing is I have had a string of successful “dates”…I think the Italian Salesman was my lucky charm. The responses to my ad were respectful and well written; there was no evasiveness, no demands. They sounded sincere and interested and more importantly…interesting. One guy lives in North Dakota and rarely gets to DC, so no chance of wanting to see where it goes or of falling in like, lust or love. One guy had a large /big/wide foot fetish (and he also has a thing for armpits but even I am not that open minded)….I got a much needed foot massage while being told how cute and sexy my size 13s are. Another guy…the only way to describe what transpired is he feasted on me and my plumpness. If there was an area or body part that did not receive praise, admiration and adoration from him…I have no idea where it is. He said he had a Robin fetish. Readers, I needed these “dates” on so many levels: Dottie is going to make me sell body parts to keep up with her expenses; the need to touch, kiss, feel another person; the need to be worshipped, adored and made to feel pretty and sexy again…especially with me being recently dumped and on a cane. And it was…nice. I was paid attention to, massaged, touched, kissed and desired…I felt pretty, sexy and interesting again. And I was rewarded handsomely for my time…it was validation on all levels with boundaries and without expectations.
The second thing is I am still wandering down memory lane with the exes…not in an obsessive sort of way, but just reminiscing. Hell, all I have left are memories…others have the real thing now. I am slowly moving forward and away from Prince Charming, or rather who I thought he was. And the one thing I am reminiscing on is the sex with these guys. I rarely speak on sex (at least in great detail) which is surprising to me as I am such a sexual, sensual creature. It is how I connect with men, it is how I express my love and adoration and I swear, when I do so freely with a man I may as well be offering up my soul along with my heart. Remember, the financial aspect keeps boundaries in place and walls up…So today’s post is about sex with the men I once found special enough to offer it to freely. All it cost me was pieces of my heart, little bits of my soul and a lot of confidence and esteem.
Married Man: He is the one who introduced me to mutually pleasurable sex and gave me my first adult orgasm. Before that, I had one at 13 during a heavy kissing/makeout session with a neighborhood boy. I thought I had pissed myself and ran away feeling a lot of shame and humiliation; I ended up having resentment against that boy well into adulthood. (Clearly, a topic for another blog post) The worst thing about Married Man was kissing him….it was like a dog licking my face. See, he had thick lips and while some women swear by a man with thick lips…I don’t. Thick lips are good for sucking nipples and the other set of lips, not my mouth. He never gave me oral and when he finally did offer it, we were 6 years in and a year away from being over and frankly, I was no longer interested. He, however, adored my oral skills and called it “influence”…whenever I wanted my way, I “influenced” him and always got what I wanted. Too bad I am so low maintenance. He had a breast fetish (which works for me) and the mere sight of cleavage would cause his mouth to water…literally. His sex drive was very healthy and only Redskins football could damper it. He was also into outdoor sex/sex in public places but the appeal of that had worn off for me…that is the only way I had sex when I was in addiction and when we first started out (neither of us could host anywhere). So for me, sex indoors in a bed was exciting and new, and once I got my apartment, I insisted we meet there. He also liked to incorporate food products in our sex sometimes but instead of scooping out the frosting, cake, ice cream…he just dipped his wick in it which meant I no longer wanted to eat it once we were done.
Him: He was the only one who did give me oral…the way I see it, guys who are well endowed and/or can fuck feel they do not need to give oral. Not going to call them selfish because they do give pleasure to a partner, but there is nothing like the feeling of receiving oral. Him not only wanted to give me oral, he enjoyed doing so. It was no chore for him and he could stay down there for hours, which is good since intercourse was a three pump deal for the man. Him was also incredibly affectionate and courteous, always asking was I comfortable, did it hurt, was I enjoying myself. He made sex FUN…we would talk, laugh and kiss…and he was an excellent kisser. With him, it always felt new and almost like two kids exploring and discovering what felt good. He paid attention to everything sexual…I remember once we were watching porn while playing and he was the one who noticed they were speaking in a foreign language. Forget the nakedness, the “I could NEVER do that” positions…he noticed they were not speaking English. What I found amazing about Him was as quick as he was with intercourse…he could last forever when receiving oral. His penis which could not last three minutes in the warm and wet between my legs was on steroids when introduced to my other warm and wet. The five hour blowjob is not a joke. And his passion…we always left the room (forget the bed) a freaking mess…once Artsy Craftsy called me after Him had visited and asked me what I was doing…it so happened she caught me when I was trying to retrieve a thigh hi from the ceiling fan. Him was the one who before we parted after meeting would finger me hard and not wash his hands…he said he wanted my scent; the one thing that raised questions was he always, always, always had the same sheets on the bed. Not sure if they were his only pair but they never stank.
AFO: The man was downright kinky and had no problem switching it up in bed. He would go from manhandling me, flipping me, spanking me to begging me to take him with a strap-on. He had the softest lips and tongue…it was like feathers lighting on my mouth and nipples. He never gave oral, never offered it and never even said he did it. If giving oral was suggested to him, he got this blank look on his face as if I had just spoken in complete gibberish. And to his credit, while he would receive oral, he never wanted much of it…he was a nitty gritty, get to it sort of guy. He never needed to recharge…he just kept going and going. He was not much of a talker or cuddler once he got in motion and the soft kisses and breast play became a memory. It is as if he needed them to get started but not to keep going. He had a white cotton sock fetish and could not get aroused or perform without them. He enjoyed all kinds of positions, giving/receiving spankings and masturbation. His style of “making love” was jackrabbit fast…he got in and pounded away as if bombs were exploding all around us and he had to hurry up and get it over with. AFO is the only man I felt no sense of sexual satisfaction with…he would get me right to the edge and declare I had had an orgasm and it was his turn. Amazing how many men have no idea what the female orgasm looks or feels like. Legend has it that Cleopatra had orgasms that lasted two days…I could not even get two minutes worth with this guy.
PC/CP: Of course he is special to me…always has been and probably always will be. Hell, he is the one who got a parting gift despite what he was revealed to be. But he is probably the most inexperienced/simplest of the four. THIS is a man who had no idea whether or not he had participated in a threesome. I kid you not….when asked had he ever been involved in one his response was: I think so. When he decided that yes, he HAD been a participant the only details he could provide was to repeat a scenario I threw out there. So maybe he’s special in more ways than one. I have zero idea why we are not still together….I did all the work, all he had to do was nod along. He was big on touching and being touched…he liked rubbing, massaging and fingering. He liked to caress my cheek, run fingers through my hair and trace lazy circles on my back. Oh, and he loved to spank (and did it well) …and I love to be spanked. He had to be in the mood for breast play and he never returned oral favors but his kisses? I swear, I STILL feel his tongue in my mouth. As I mentioned in my previous post, he was the most well endowed of my men and he knew how to use it and make it last without making it hurtful or have me lose interest. Some guys pound away or slog away at it and it no longer is fun….it becomes a chore, like cleaning the apartment. But PC introduced tricks into the mix (the belt around my neck (and he did it one-handed!) was a stroke of genius). However, he was only comfortable with one position and whether it was physical or verbal, all sexual scenarios had the same script, same routine.
What makes PC stand out is that his seduction was mental, from the very beginning. The man is somewhat intelligent and I found his viewpoints and opinions on various topics of current and world events to be fascinating and more often than not, in line with mine. He found his way inside my head, he discovered the little girl have hidden away…the girl who simply wants to be cared about, paid attention to and made to feel safe and protected. And he did that…he offered me structure and accountability which I need in my life. I am quick to run off the rails and famous for not telling anyone until after the fact. As I like to say…you will always get the truth from me…just not when it happens. Toss in the Daddy/control aspect, the sexting/phone sex and the sharing of porn…it was a literal mind fuck. It really is too bad he had no idea what to do with the little girl once he found her and no clue how to handle the woman I am.
It may seem I am a little preoccupied with my past right now, but it is all I have. My present is boring, stagnant and uncomfortable what with dealing with the sitting still part of the process and brand new lifestyle changes. These dates are merely transient strangers who blend into the background and help me pay a bill or two. The future? As PC always says: who knows what it holds? And as much as I say it is a copout…it’s true. The only thing I DO know about it is that it is highly unlikely any of these men will be a part of it. Truthfully, I don’t want any of them back. These men offered me less than I deserved, and I took it with the hopes that more was coming…and what you will allow is what will continue. In some cases, even less than what was offered was put out there along with disrespect and mistreatment. The one that still stings (probably because it is so recent) is PC. I MISS PC (some days I feel like I am drowning in a sea of missing) but he turned out to be the most fucked up of them all….I cannot deal with or comprehend such levels of fucked upness. And yes, I have forgiven but this is my definition of forgiveness: I have made peace with the situation, not with him. He can still get a lit cigarette in the eye. In time, I will go back to wanting to extinguish cigarettes in the proper place and manner, but that time has not arrived yet.
So, I dig through my past and retrieve my memories; some are fun(ny), some are sweet, some are ugly. But they are mine and all I have until it’s time to make new ones with someone (I hope and pray) amazing, wonderful and who thinks I am the same. Someone who knows what they have when they have me in their life and their corner (and yes, it is more than a boatload of crazy) and who wants to be in my life and my heart as much as I want to be in theirs. As my horoscope put it…relationships come and go but the real thing will stick around and work it out. I want the real thing…whether I am ready for it or not is another question.
As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!