Cloud in the Silver Lining


So much has happened since I last posted…all I can say is 2014 is starting out to NOT be my year and while nothing I write today is funny in the least, I am going to try to put a humorous spin on it because sometimes one has to laugh to keep from crying, and with that I am going to dive right in.

You all know PC/CP and I have been having issues…rather, he has been different for no reason and offering no reason for being so and things have been strained to say the least. I admit, at first it was me with my trust issues and being hurt/angry but I meant what I said about putting it behind me/us and just staying in the moment…and it is as if as soon as I made that decision, he made the decision to act a complete asshole. The man was not speaking (I actually spent an entire weekend having a one sided conversation), could not say thank you for the job leads I was sending him and my most basic of greetings went unacknowledged. I thought all kinds of things: MG had made the cross country move; he had yet another woman; he thought he was feeling too much of something for me and decided to withdraw; he really did not want to be here with me and was too chickenshit to say so…thoughts ran on and on and finally, I took the bull by the horns and asked him outright what the hell was his problem. What he was offering was not friendship…it is putting me on a shelf until he figures out what he wants to do with not only me, but with his 23 year old ghost of a girlfriend. He was being rude, flaky and disrespectful and if this is how regular church attendance and being happy with someone (did not specify who because who knows with that fool) made him act, he was doing it wrong. Period.

PC/CP comes back with our expectations of friendship are different…talking/texting everyday is more than friendship in his opinion. YET, all I heard when we were texting constantly was that it was JUST friendship. We had shelved expectations when the Daddy aspect blew up in his face..well, we kind of shelved expectations. Nothing really changed and Daddy was still very much present. When we reconciled, we were still talking all day, every day. He said he could still offer me a relationship, then retracted it three days later. Now, he is saying the one thing he COULD offer (conversation, texting, phone calls) is MORE than friendship?? I went ballistic and this is where the second part of this not being my year comes into play: while cursing him out via text, a pain shot up my arm and left my right side incredibly weak immediately followed by numbness and tingling in both hands and feet. I had a loss of balance and coordination (I stood up and stumbled backwards and my team told me to “watch myself”)…I just KNEW I was having a stroke, but I said nothing. I stopped texting, finished out the day as best I could and even went to the grocery store to stock my cabinets and fridge. Hell, I was still smoking while raging against PC/CP for being such a huge stress factor, my health was now affected.

The next two days were a little scary: weak on my right side, numb as hell on my left side (I felt nothing and could not discern hot, cold, soft, sharp) but it was the fact that when I went to masturbate and could not feel ANYTHING that I decided it was time to go back to the ER. (I had done a quick visit earlier in the week and they said it was a pinched nerve) This time was different…maybe because it was a brand new crew who looked like the interns on Grey’s Anatomy or because it was a pretty slow night but this time around, I was admitted. I had diagnoses of a brain tumor, throat cancer, the pinched nerve was now in my spine versus my shoulder and maybe I actually did have a stroke. Reminded me of that episode of Grey’s where there was a prize for the intern who identified the mystery diagnosis. I was told I was being admitted at midnight (6 ½ hours after coming in) for extensive testing, but was placed in an exam room for the next 8 hours…I could not sleep because I was awoken every hour, asked to repeat my story and symptoms. I stole medication (I have been watching ID Channel and thinking the xylocaine I now have in my possession will come in handy at some point for someone deserving of it) and tried to raise hell by threatening to leave and come back to speak to a neurologist but by 8:30am, I was in a room…in the cardio unit although I was a neuro case. The staff was amazed at my wonderful heart graphs/charts and my incredible blood pressure. I hated being hooked to a machine the entire time.

After a CT scan, an MRI (my ears are STILL ringing and yes, I am slightly claustrophobic), countless strength exercises and enough blood drawn to fill an elephant (my arms bear the bruises of the pin cushion effect) …I am a diabetic. My blood sugars fluctuated between 184-245 which I thought was pretty good but apparently it is high. I blame it on the fact that as a society, we hear such outrageous numbers in the upper hundreds that my numbers are like…seriously? But not playing with this…going to take my meds as prescribed and really get serious about the portion control and eliminating extra/unnecessary sugars from my diet. Oh, did I tell you about the nurse who told me when I said I was hungry (14 hours since I last ate) that with my sugar level, I cannot possibly be hungry? I looked at her and told her I did not care if I should or should not be hungry…I WAS. And I was there when a patient passed away…the wails, crying and questions of her family were heartbreaking but the staff went about business as usual. It is a hospital after all…life and death live there.

So after three days in the hospital, I am home with a notebook filled with prescriptions and wondering if I can finish off my leftover Chinese…it has meat, veggies and rice. And I have sugar pills and insulin. Oh, and I did tell PC/CP what happened but no word. I heard from family members, and all of my friends, but the man who insists he IS my friend even with no communication? Not even a “sorry to hear that”. I guess our stalemate is now a checkmate….but I have compromised and accommodated way too much at this point. Beginning to wonder how I felt he was worth the efforts to begin with but in the beginning…he was perfect for me….one of us just did not have the staying power. I admit I have high expectations but I only do so based off what I am offered in the beginning…maybe being insecure and needy does not help the cause but neither does his indecisiveness, lies and secretiveness.

Well, I have caught everyone up on everything…time to go fill my prescriptions and set up follow up appointments and prepare to go to work at some point this week. Still feeling weak and numb but not as bad as it was before the hospital visit. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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