I have had a wonderful and amazing talk with UTA. And it came right on time…I am in a funk/depression. Ever since I decided that I was simply not going to try again EVER with PC/CP, I lost all energy to do anything. I did not go to work for three days (maybe four if Monday does not offer anything new) and kept my ass glued to a mattress the entire time. I got up to shower twice, cook a pot of spaghetti and to use the bathroom. I overdosed on daytime television and even used a commercial for mesotheslioma (probably misspelled) to diagnose myself: “How did I get this disease? What are my treatment options? How will this affect my loved ones?” I talked to no one except Artsy Craftsy and Morning Person on a somewhat regular basis. So a chat/talk with the friend who gets me and is such a comfort to me was very welcome.
The purpose of the talk was twofold…she wanted to know how I was holding up but also needed to vent about a situation she was facing, and while I cannot tell her situation (she has a blog and will talk about it publicly should she choose), I will say I understand, I have been there but not on the level she is facing and if no one else understands…I do. And great friend that I am, I am going to inbox UTA to tell her what I cannot say here. UTA and I talked, Facebook stalked, agreed we needed bottles of wine, chocolate and greasy Chinese food to accompany our chat, bashed the BTH/BTG (Him’s wife), wondered why men were so stupid and agreed that PC/CP was a woman with a penis. No balls, just a penis and we are only giving him that because I have seen it. Twice.
BUT, I can talk about my craziness and stupidity. I have been Facebook stalking again…and more than ever and I have gotten sloppy. I accidentally sent Mexican Girlfriend a freaking friend request! I got no sympathy from anyone…after laughing until tears fell UTA, Artsy Craftsy and Morning Person all told me that is what the hell I get. (I was able to retract the request…thank goodness for a three hour time difference) I have been on the internet looking for his condo/townhouse (NO idea why) and I now know how his place is laid out. Hell, for all I know, that could be his furniture in the pics. I know I have it bad…but like UTA, I find the current turn of events totally unacceptable. And I have been wracking my brains WHY I cannot just let go, take a step back and take a deep breath. It is obvious that he is not the man I fell for and whatever happened between whoever has changed him; it is apparent the man is a liar, noncommittal, lame, has not as much to offer as previously thought and is somewhat of a coward. Our conversations are short, sporadic and typical of one held between acquaintances. Besides, letting go can only be a good thing…once I finally let go of Him, PC entered, and he was better than Him. Letting go means that better than PC can enter…but I am like a stubborn mule, holding onto the intangible.
There are a lot of factors at play with my tenaciousness and surprise, surprise…Hope is not among them. Even she knows when to toss in the towel. The first factor is Ego: I am the one who he has spent so much time with the past 5 months, I am the one he says knows more about him than anyone, I am the one he says made him stop his search for women. I am the one he has had sex with, I am the one he says makes him happy. I am the one he says is beautiful, fun/funny, intelligent, creative and kinky. I am the one he says is the strong, amazing one. He is the one I am willing to become outdoorsy for and in more than a sex in public places kind of way. So no way in hell is 4 days with a Spanish speaking ghost from 23 years ago going to rip the best happiness I have had in YEARS from my hands. No way. IF she is a major player in his life, IF he is making future plans with her…that is well and good but that is the future. At this point in time, she is 3,000 miles and a three hour time difference away and I am here. For the first time since we met, I am finally willing and almost ready and able to stay in the present moment..and now he is shutting down.
The second factor is love…yeah, I admit it. I fell for PC/CP and hid it pretty unsuccessfully from everyone but him. The fact that he accepts me just where I am, deals with and understands the crazy and issues, the way he touched that part of me that craves the Daddy aspect he brought into the relationship, the attention, the validation…yes, I love him. And I feel I need to be more understanding of his crazy/strange/weirdness…I feel I am not “going with the flow” despite the fact that I have compromised almost all I want(ed) from him in an effort to work within his limitations and boundaries. Love tells me that the honeymoon is over, he is stressed and it is time to be patient and work on making us work. He gave me what I needed, can I do the same? Love tells me PC/CP came back for a reason and it is not to leave me dangling but maybe he needs to sort out his demons, reasons and decisions..I can give him a little more time. He will snap out of his funk and I will have all I wanted and more.
The third factor is lack of distractions…the man would not be all up in my head and heart if there was ANYTHING or ANYONE else on the horizon. Maybe I need to stick to anyone because I would want to tell him about classes, exercise regiments or anything else that did not involve someone else potentially replacing him, and I am here to say that lack of distractions is utter bull.shit. Not even work is a distraction…in the slow periods when the techs are busy actually working, my tickets are caught up and the window is empty…I want to talk to PC/CP more than ever. And not because I am bored, but because then I can give him my undivided attention. Artsy Craftsy does her best to fill the void but it just isn’t the same. I did have two chat prospects who both lived in the same town PC/CP does..one has a mother dying of cancer so was not surprised when he ceased communication; the second claimed to be practicing radioactive medicine full time, in school full time and his spelling (he spelled truly “truelly”) coupled with his lack of time made him not viable at all. And maybe there are no distractions because I need to put my faith in my Higher Power and wait for an answer to my prayers.
So this was my two days in relationship rehab. And because there is no more I can do, because there is nothing I can control here…I have to just sit still and do nothing. Grieve because my happily ever after is not coming to fruition, heal because I cannot carry around the hurt, anger and frustration. Work on me some more. Typical process stuff I have been trying to avoid for almost a month. Shore up my faith and strength to accept answers that have probably already arrived and I refuse to see…. I know you guys have been reading the same thing over and over. I know I am a wreck…but this time we have emergency personnel on the scene and fire extinguishers at the ready. I am just refusing the treatment.
Thanks so much for hanging in there with me and as always…thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!