We are still trying. Not sure if PC/CP and I are gluttons for punishment or wrapped in crazy and delusion. Obviously, we are retarded. Not sure of we are even in the same book at this point; definitely we are not on the same page. I want a relationship. A real time, face time relationship…he is insistent that we have a friendship that is text/phone only. We can figure the rest out as we go along. Except no one knows (not even him) his definition of friendship. I can just see that either blurring all kinds of lines and boundaries or he remaining aloof and distant, save the day or two a week his meds seem to be working. I want to end this…I do not want us hating each other with me being a shrew and he being an emotional bully and I do not want either of us settling. He deserves someone who can accept his limitations unconditionally and I deserve to not have to wander outside a friendship/relationship to seek out intimacy and sex.
But we are like (unhealthy) magnets…we keep coming back to each other. And when I am not texting with him, I feel a physical craving to do so. He pops up out of the blue abyss of silence to ask random questions. My suggestion of just staying in touch lasted not even 24 hours. I had to restrain myself from saying goodnight, good morning and ask how his day was going. He reached out at lunchtime to tell me about his weekend (it was busy and he did not watch the Super Bowl) and ask about the company holiday party. He did not want to hear how my feet hurt, how the Italian food made Chef Boyardee seem gourmet or how Sis-Sis and I had to tell a group of drunk chicks to find their own corner to hail a cab..we were working this corner. No, he wanted to know who my date was. After that, silence. We did say good night and chatted some Monday. Not a lot, but he seemed cordial and pleasant and I stayed in my lane. I guess he was waiting for me to bring up his total bullshit the night of the holiday party; I was waiting for him to mention the texts in which I told him exactly what I wanted: a relationship with him that included all he promised plus hangouts, movies, museums, bowling and meals out. I wanted to be happy with him while we still had time together. Not trying to replace or compete with MG…I just wanted to be free to love him and at least be cared about in return. But it is obvious he is different and not wanting what I did. I told him he had no idea how to be honest, how to communicate and he simply was not the man he presented himself to be.
But no one said anything about anything…we chatted some Tuesday and I told him maybe after lunch we could talk if he was up to it…not that kind of talk (although we would have to have it eventually). No, I wanted pleasant conversation with a guy I liked and I wanted it with no expectations, demands or bottom lines. And he disappeared…the man has not said a word since….and that is the straw that has broken the camel’s back for real. Seriously, I have tried and tried…given in to his demands, working within his boundaries and limitations with no offer of compromise on his end. I have forgiven, overlooked and given the benefit of the doubt when he rapes and assaults my trust issues on a constant basis now. I do not know if it is MG, the fact I found out about MG (sorry, but if you are going to live a double life or be a player, you gotta be able to support both ends of the tale) or if he is off his meds but NO MORE. The dividends are not worth the investments and whoever the hell he is doing, whatever the hell he is doing…good luck with that. I told him that. And I am so filled with anger, hurt and frustration at both of us, I feel as if I am choking.
Morning Person says she is glad…she knows it is wrong to say but ever since we found out about the lies and betrayal, she knew it would not work out and I would just be settling. Artsy Craftsy says to lean on the Panel but I have all the tools I need…I write a blog. And in reading some of my older blogs, I found all I need to make it through this and make our romance the shortest story ever:
•From Playbook, September 5, 2012: “the men I meet online are looking for the ultimate in no strings attached and regardless of the rare butterflies that arise when I see them or kiss them…it is a no go. And if I meet another who I want to be in my bed, spend the night and/or feel the need to suspend financial obligations for…stop me, slap me and take away my internet and laptop. He is completely crazy and wrong for me and I won’t know it until after the damage is done.”
•From 400, October 13, 2013: “the happiness I feel with Prince Charming is beyond any I have ever known.”
•From The Morning After, September 12, 2012: “When all is lost, when all is gone, why do I still keep hanging on?”; “there were serious talks where we asked each other questions and I did not believe his answers and lied about mine.”;” …every word raised expectations and I was falling.”; “it all depends on what I truly want to do and can I handle the consequences without therapy and medication if it doesn’t work out…again?”
•From Discomfort, July 16, 2011: “I swore that this was the end of the line for us and I cried and cried. I took off work for three days, just being while I let my love for him bleed out from my broken heart, wishing things could go back to the way they were…of course, we reconciled and they did; it would be another 3 years before I realized that whatever I felt for that man had left long ago and I simply did not want to deal with the discomfort of finding someone new.”; “I do not want to have to go through the discomfort of getting to know someone new….I am not in the mood to reveal myself to someone who may not understand or get it. I do not want someone who has not interacted with me before; I am too complicated and to try and explain who I am….impossible. I need to find someone who ‘gets’ me pretty much right off the bat or will at least accept that I am pretty much off the charts in a good way. Which is why I recycle relationships…no need to explain, start over or experience any discomfort…except that at some point there was discomfort; if there wasn’t, would we be recycling? So maybe there are levels are discomfort we are willing to put up with and we will suffer at the hands of someone we already know because we know the brand and levels of discomfort they will dispense? We all know the expression: better to deal with the devil you know versus the devil you don’t.”
•From Happy Anniversary, July 3, 2011: “….try to focus on what I will gain from this versus what I have lost and wish you could have seen me, known what a good woman I was to you, loved me and picked me instead.”
Dealing with this is not going to be easy but it won’t be as hard as I think it will be. PC is showing me his faults and flaws and while I could deal with them, I am no longer getting any of the good stuff to balance it out. Things that were second nature when we first began like compliments, late night conversations, pet names, telling me “kisses” at bedtime…all of a sudden they are not part of his personality. He insists that I struck down facetime but after the 3 days at the dmv excuse…it seemed the best thing to do. I no longer trust him and with apparently good reason(s)…it is like in the book Needful Things when the people in town got their heart’s desires and spent all their time and energy in them and the perfect things they wanted and needed turned out to be false, phony and the cause of their destruction. There is no happily ever after here…he has no interest in making it so and I have no energy to be in a relationship all by myself. Again. So the soap opera is cancelled, no renewals are in the works and all I can do is trust in God that this is for the best.
I am going to cry myself to sleep now…I need to release this overflow of emotion some kind of way. Tomorrow is a brand new day and I am not carrying this shit into it. Check back soon for a love letter to Chef and more posts on things not lost cause related. As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always….enjoy your day!