I am going to give myself a pat on the back. My intuition has a 98% success rate…usually when my gut tells me something, it is right and eventually all I need to prove it so comes to light. No idea why I doubt myself or try to dumb it down but I am chalking it up to the romantic optimist in me. In the beginning, when PC were first starting out, I tried so hard not to compare him to the ones who had come before, but I just could not overlook the Him symptoms, the Married Man traits and the smidgen of AFO. After the Ugliness, when Crazy wore him down and we agreed to try again, I tried to have trust again, but he was so weird and different and Doubt had such compelling arguments…I chalked it up to readjustment and totally ignored my intuition. But after two days of digs and incredulity, I had to have a talk with PC to clear the air and find out where we stood and what the deal really was. So, welcome to my soap opera…
Let me start by saying that I was not looking for a soap opera…..I rather liked the unexpected surprise of the Hallmark Channel like start to this whatever it is/was. Morning Person says it has always been a friendship but l am with Artsy Craftsy, Feisty One and Chef…the sexual that was present in the beginning (written and physical), the constant communication, the intimacy, the compliments, the attentiveness, the control and kink…it made it more than the average person’s definition of friendship. I liked the two characters: the lonely girl-next-door office worker who had so much love to give and the tall, man of few (but all the right) words Prince Charming who was persuasive, charming and oh so calm and laid back. For five months, it was heady, intoxicating, drama free and seemed both characters were headed towards falling in love. With each other. But along the way, Prince Charming became a Celibate Priest (CP?), the girl next door became an escaped mental patient off her meds and a Mexican Girlfriend suddenly materialized from 23 years ago.
I have been saying in the last couple of posts how different PC has been since the trip to Utah but Feisty One pointed out the difference came about once I let him know I knew about MG. He has been inconsistent with conversations and the content of said conversations and when he requested I wear a specific outfit to work, he never once gave a compliment or acknowledged that I was (in my own way) making efforts to show him that I heard him and was sincere and serious about rebuilding. That is when I asked him was complimenting/acknowledging me a violation of the celibacy or the girlfriend? As par for our course now, he ignored that statement but he had a lot to say the next day when I mentioned needing a +1 to enjoy some restaurant groupons I had bought for us to use. He says I do not need anyone else….go alone, order a meal for there (vouchers only good for dine in) and order a meal to go. Not…I will go with you. Not…I understand. No, he wants me to go alone and when I questioned him about the statement, he swears he was kidding and being sarcastic, but I know he wasn’t. I am so going with my intuition with this one. And that is when I told him we needed to have a talk and I would call him that evening.
PC was very Chatty Cathy when I called…told me about the fundraiser dinner for his daughter’s school and how full he was; we talked about my work team and a couple of jobs I had submitted my resume for. Then came the ice breaker which was the perfect segue into the reason I called: while taking with PC, I THOUGHT I was texting Artsy Craftsy. My message read: Talking now, scared to death.
He asked me why was I texting him while I was talking to him…and I was so embarrassed. I told him to deletedeletedelete while thanking lucky stars it was Artsy Craftsy I was talking to and not someone else. That is when I told him that I wanted to ask him a series of questions, would appreciate honest answers and there would be no questions about his answers. He agreed. So I said a quick prayer, took a deep breath and dived right in.
Not going through the entire q&a …rather here are the results: he guesses you could call MG his girlfriend. (Forget Prince Charming, the man is King of the Noncommittal Answer) He was not sure he loved her…he did 23 years ago but never told her; he left on family business and returned 2 days after she married someone else. When asked was it serious, he said she is expecting him to propose marriage. He does not know why he did not tell me. He may or may not relocate…he has no job prospects, he is locked in a lease and apparently, the marriage proposal is contingent upon him moving out west. He does like me, he does care and yes, we can have something. When asked about the celibacy, he doesn’t know why he did not tell me but it was a religious action. He is trying to repair his relationship with God. I did not touch that. I asked him where does he see our “friendship” going…he responded with: where do friends go? I told him what stuck in my craw was the fact he could not give facetime and I am 20 miles away but a chick 3,000 miles away could. He said actually, it wasn’t 3,000 miles. I told him to shut up and do not get technical..it was over 20 miles. Period.
I told him I had wanted a relationship with him…that is the way we were headed, or so he led me to believe. I told him he was the one saying I am the only one, there was no girlfriend, no dating/seeing/screwing. PC comes back with technically, that was the truth. I was his only sexual partner and really, he was not dating or seeing anyone else…MG was CLEAR across the country.
That is when he said he could give me the relationship I wanted…it would be intimate versus sexual, with Daddy and facetime included. He was not one to hang out but he would do so for me. I was worth it. We can still see where this can go. He said he understood about my going crazy…yeah, I had crazy to spare but he understood and wanted us to get things right. Yeah, that lasted until we hung up the phone. The man was dead silent for two days and the third day, two hours before my company’s Winter Social, he texts to say he misunderstood our conversation and bottom line, we could have friendship only. Text only. If I could not do that, he understood. And told me to have fun at the party. First, I told him how the hell could we even have what he was suggesting when he did not even talk the way he used to? Fuck that…if I cannot see you, I have to be able to talk to you and for real, facetime was a must on my end. Period. Then I told him he does this shit ALL THE TIME…whenever I am about to go out and be social, he pulls some flaky bullshit designed to have me all upset and angry and NOT in the mood to have fun but he was not going to fuck this event up for me. Since I am the only one with some comprehension skills, maybe we need to end this now because it has become ridiculous. Utterly.
And I ended it today…I told him that no, I am not making assumptions. He is making the past our present and obviously, he has run out of excuses to give me so he finally laid his hand on the table. And I am not agreeable to any of the terms…he is not the man he presented himself to be, he is not honest, and to top it off, he is a flake. I need more than what he is offering and to tell me he does not want to hurt me, lead me on or play games after he has done all three? Really? I said perhaps we could stay in touch and update each other periodically but it is best that our efforts, time and attention are best spent towards other people and endeavors because it is evident MG is not the only one CLEAR across the country. No response, but I am okay. Yeah, I am bummed and disappointed but I got the closure I needed. I got explanations and I not only know, I SEE it is not me. Yes, I miss him terribly but I have been missing who I thought he was for a long time. I am done trying to make it work, done trying to force things and work it out to my satisfaction. The longer I hang around trying to do that, the more hurt and angry I will become. Whatever happened in Utah, be it between PC and MG or between he and I, has caused some deep damage that he refuses to see and I cannot repair alone.
So once again, I have ended the soap opera…Crazy will not attempt another resurrection and Hope is tired and defeated. She pretty much knows there will not be a third time around in this camp, given the mess the second time turned out to be. We will take a break, heal and just be a lot more careful and guarded the next time. For a little while, I was happy and is it wrong to say I am happy I was able to share this romance with you, if for no other reason than I have witnesses to the crazy I attract and that the promises are not all in my head? As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!