Truth hurts. Badly. I have finally taken off the blinders and realized that my Prince Charming is nothing more than a retard in tin foil, and it had me at unknown levels of pisstivity…at both of us. At myself for continuing to believe and give the benefit of the doubt and at him for being a spineless, mealy mouthed, immature liar. I wanted to inflict pain, hurt and damage but not AT him…I found out the hard way that you will never hurt someone on the level they hurt you, so I was planning an indirect attack. Kind of like when the drug cartels kill your family and let you live (probably maimed and dismembered in some way, but you are still breathing)…it was war and MG was going to be a casualty of said war. I was going to call immigration on her ass…the way I see it, it was a win-win. IF she is legal, show ICE your papers and green card; if not legal, PC/CP would finally get a chance to show off his attorney skills if he has any. Morning Person actually hung up the phone on me because I was scouring immigration websites and California public records while talking to her. She did not want to be an accessory at anytime or in any sense.
While I may be a foolish, foolish woman when my emotions are involved…I cannot do this anymore to myself, because at this point…it’s me who is breaking my heart. I have no problems popping open an umbrella and calling it rain when you are pissing on me, but no way can I allow you to throw shit in my face and be able to call it mud. There is no need to ask why, no need to curse the man out…the fact that he could not find five minutes to show care/concern or offer support and encouragement when I was in the hospital or to even ask follow up questions (how are you feeling? Is everything going okay?) tells me more than I ever wanted to know about him. Either I was blinder than a bat in a coal mine at midnight or PC/CP has one HELL of a representative because the amazing, wonderful man who was so special and different is nothing more than a lying, cowardly, disrespectful Pillsbury Dough Bitch. Period.
So I am accepting the fact that it is over and there is no happily ever after, no happy ending here. Stop missing what it was, realize what I gained from the experience and move forward. Me accepting Acceptance regarding the man I called a game changer and The One is weird….not angry, not pity party but kind of wtf. Not sure if it is my blood sugar acting up, lack of orgasms in my life or me needing attention and distractions but now I am thinking of the women I lost out to despite every ex/man saying I am so many positive, wonderful things. Not in a comparison sort of way but in a “I am a GREAT person and what the hell happened here” kind of way. (Chef says I tend to become more demanding as the relationship escalates) Which will probably come across as judgmental, critical and bitchy but I promise you…I am only stating facts and observations. Mostly unbiased observations.
Married Man: He stayed with his wife…no big surprise there and trust me when I tell you, that is exactly what I wanted. No way was his lying, manipulative and BROKE ass coming to live with me in a studio apartment with his 7 kids. No way was I going to be doing babysitting duty while he ran around town with other women. What struck me about his wife was that she was pretty much the exact opposite of me. Petite in every sense of the word: five feet tall and not even 120 pounds. Incredibly dark, tons of makeup and ghetto all the time. Hell, she was even dumber than me. The woman holds all the financial cards in that marriage: the house, the tax business and all the cars are in her name, so why hang in there with a man who is a serial cheater (it would be strange if he didn’t have another woman) and has saddled your union with 7 kids NOT by you? Even Tammy Wynette would have hit the road a long time ago.
Him: BTH/BTGD was a surprise but again she wasn’t. I always knew I was the exception and not the rule when it came to what he liked. My whorishness was restricted to the bedroom and to him…I do not walk around looking slutty nor did I have sex with every man who looked my way and tell him about it. I did allow him to compare my talents and prowess to his dead ex wife and accepted his kinks and perversions…and let us not forget the 5 hour blowjob. One would think that would be enough. When it came to black women, he does like a fuller figured one but he likes them…flashy. Lots of makeup, big jewelry, low cut blouses and too short skirts. He likes them to take charge, especially financially…and when I am in a committed relationship…I am not asking for your money. I want to give myself to you freely. So no, in those respects, BTH/BTGD is not a surprise. The surprise is the fact she has THREE kids (two still in school) and is unemployed….Him was put-both-feet-down adamant about any woman of his not having school age children and having a job. Not sure what she did/said to make him change his mind but going with true love here. I hear she is very nice and friendly albeit ghetto in every sense of the word. Did I tell you he took her to the Island’s holiday party and her outfit was so inappropriate, co-workers actually asked who brought the fat, black hooker? Yeah, it MUST be true love. It allows one to be blind, deaf and totally accepting.
AFO: Craigslist bar sluts and hookers. Nuff said.
PC/CP: You know, when he told me Mexican was his favorite, I thought the man actually meant food. The MG was completely out of left field and she is a surprise. PC/CP has always said he has no set type when it comes to women and apparently the work they do… his ex is an average height, average weight school teacher; I am a black amazon balancing administrative and IT skills and randomly placing online ads. MG is the same age as me, petite and a babysitter. And I KNOW this is going to sound judgmental, stereotypical and probably racist, but seriously… the woman has been here “awhile”(he knew her 20+ years ago) and cannot read or speak English, can barely spell Spanish and living many people deep in not the biggest space…(should smack the man for saying my studio was “crowded”)….but this is what your happily ever after is? I thought an elevated intelligence, white collar position and a fluency in this country’s language would be an attraction, not a deterrent. Especially when the man says you are beautiful, fun, passionate and there is something indescribably exciting about you. Unfortunately, he said nothing about knowing a foreign language being a deal breaker and even then, I am still out of luck…all I know is high school French. Not taking away from MG…she is not ugly (but I am still saying…seriously??) and probably not dumb, and I am sure she is a great mother to her children. She seems sweet and naïve and probably believes in PC/CP implicitly. He is probably more comfortable with a woman less experienced than he is and willing to let him take the lead even when it is obvious he has no idea which direction he is headed. His spelling is atrocious, and not that is an indication of intelligence level (although in my book it is). Duct tape is “duck” tape , heals is “heels” (and vice versa) and he mixes up the woman/women thing all the time. He is fluent in textese which makes him sound like a teenager, he lacks ambition/initiative, definitive goals/plans, is totally confused in all aspects of his life (at least that is what he shows me…) and did I mention he is a cheater and spineless liar? There is a reason MG married someone else the first time around and why his ex left him, married another and changed her name within six months of the divorce. Buena suerte (for us English speaking folks, that means good luck) with that, MG.
I have no idea why I am still single, why it did not work out with at least two of the guys. Maybe I need to run out and pop out a couple of kids, learn Spanish and put my tits on a retractable platter…then I would be considered a contender and just maybe land the brass ring. But no longer blaming myself…I tell you and show you who I am up front and only mixed signals I send is when my crazy gets out of control. And 99% of the time, the man triggers the crazy with his lies and stupidity. If only I could find a guy with PC/CP’s height, acceptance, attentiveness and understanding; the passion/chemistry I had with Him; the time Married Man seemed to have to spare and AFO’s sex drive…I would become a 5’4” Asian chick with big tits and flat belly if that is what he wanted. Seriously, a man with all that AND single with no kids would be my all in one and I KNOW he is out there somewhere. Maybe I need to send out the bat signal.
Okay, this post is a little longer than I intended….going to wrap it up and let you readers get back to your lives. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!