A Hole in the Boat

Hope has left the building and took Crazy with her. After much cursing, taunting, begging and pleading they both got what they wanted: a second chance with Prince Charming. Once these two fools were reunited with their One…they packed bags and left. But they did not leave PC standing all alone in left field…no, they left Doubt in their place. Doubt is not all dewy eyed and thinking PC is the best thing. EVER. Doubt is not half assed in love and she lets it be known. Doubt gives PC the side eye, the raised eyebrows and the “uhmmm-hmmms.” Everything the man says is suspect, every minute he is not texting/talking and pretty much being 100% available, Doubt has the man with every chick in town and maybe on a red eye flight to California. Doubt has all the worst case scenarios lined up and reasoning that makes sense to her and makes a little bit of sense to me.

Trying to quell Doubt and her factulation (facts mixed with speculation…pretty clouded speculation), but I have two things that are both saying a helluva lot to me: first, one makes time, one finds a way for the things they really want…and this man dragged an excuse out 3 days to avoid coming 20 miles into the city to pick up presents bought for him and his kids. Forget the cheeseburger lunch he put out there. We have seen each other twice in five months and the man works 5 metro stops from my house (same line…does not even have to transfer) and he never had time. BUT, he could fly 3,000 miles to spend four days with MG. On the other hand, after a bombardment of crazy that both pissed him off and drove him to his breaking point…he comes back with patience, explanations and says he is willing to try again if I am. People really do not wish to start again with people who call them names, four letter words and prove themselves to be a dirty fighter and apparently a closet racist, especially over something that is not even true. Is it any wonder I am torn?

I do not want to factulate or analyze this…Prince Charming is my happy place. He is the one who answers the questions and nips the insecurities in the bud…and it would seem, the man is full of surprises. He and I were talking the other day and I asked him when did he stop wanting me sexually and why…his response? He never stopped wanting me but he was now being CELIBATE! Had come to the decision to go for it on Halloween, two days after our last encounter. My first thought was had I known THAT piece of info, I never would have prayed for my period to hold off until I saw the man again because someone, somewhere heard that prayer…Mother Nature has left the building also. My second thought was not only is he moving out west to be with MG, he is being faithful to her also. My third thought was…WHY come back? I make it very obvious that I want the man naked, in my bed and in my body very often. He must have read my thoughts because he was quick to say that this was all his idea…no influence and not doing it for anyone other than himself. He had been doing some thinking and soul searching and this is where his thought processes had lead him. He would like it if I joined him in the celibacy but he understood if I chose not to.

The asking me to join was out of the blue but maybe not…the man and I have been ridiculous together lately. He has been very uncommunicative and totally ignoring things he perceives as sexual, even though he says that sex(y) talk would not bother him or make him uncomfortable. I have been stiff and biting my tongue so hard, I swallow blood. Yet, over the weekend, when I had a nightmare and reached out for my Daddy, there he was. We were Daddy/babygirl and having a wonderful time; that night we were screaming and yelling and I told him I put the ads back up and fucked another man while he was in Utah. (half-truth…there was no penetration and mostly a makeout session) We agreed that this would be a conversation that never happened, and he told me I was so much more than that lifestyle…he wanted me to move forward and stop looking back. Take the ads down. I told him they went up out of anger and I felt guilty, as if I were cheating on him, even though we were not boyfriend/girlfriend or something. (a direct quote from his explanation email) He said he knows, he understands, no, he does not think I am a horrible person…if we were celibate together, we could get to know each other in a deeper way on a much more substantive level. We know we have the physical (hmmm…twice in 5 months and no favors returned?? Are you sure?) but now we can build up connections in other areas.

Fortunately, I have my Panel to help me sort it out and help dig up the seeds doubt is planting left and right and thank God for that. Seriously, when your non boyfriend who may or may not have a girlfriend and has been celibate for three months of your 5 month relationship…you sorta need someone to talk to. Feisty One says the man is either the most creative liar she has ever known (really, who is going to keep harping on a secret/non-existent relationship if he is not having sex?) or he is really telling the truth. Morning Person thinks it would be good for both of us and yes, he is telling the truth. Artsy Craftsy is dumbfounded but hey, if I like it, she loves it. New Mommy said when PC says friendship, he REALLY means it. UTA is still sticking to sheer weirdness. Chef sees red flags but for me, celibacy clears up a LOT of questions but one…why didn’t he tell me when he made the decision? Cuz (who is back from hiatus) had the best summary: the man is a conehead, but the fact that I am in his life (AFTER he was established in this “relationship” and that he came back wanting to try again if I did after I called him names and dealt low blow after low blow…and wants to do so with no sex involved) says a hell of a lot to him. Hell, I am already in a celibate relationship…the question I need to answer is do I want to stay in one?

I have not made a decision…PC and I are still adjusting to life after argument and during celibacy: talking, waking each other up, sharing our day, saying I miss yous and just being…us. I share my anger and doubts/fears with the Panel, not with him. I am making every effort to make sure I leave mention of anyone outside of a fifty mile radius out of our conversations and arguments (which are fewer since the revelation). The ads did come down (for lots of reasons) but once again…PC is the only one who could influence me in such a way. The Facebook fact finding mission is on hold and I am reminding myself of what a HORRIBLE idea it would be for us to actually friend each other there. I am trying to avoid talk of sex, sexy things and not throw the past or past actions in his face. We are swapping funny stories, talking football and office stories. I am learning his behaviors and when his weirdness is extremely prevalent, which seems to be when my neediness is especially prevalent. I also have a chat buddy…I have not told PC. I think I have said enough about my extracurricular activities at this point. Not sure where this is going but I guess we will find out. Stay tuned for more updates, letters and other assorted stuff.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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