Rocky Road

Every once in awhile, someone comes along. Someone who impresses you with their looks, personality, charm and wit. Someone who seems to know just what you need when you need it. A person who sees the beauty in you and brings it out, who takes away the loneliness, accepts the issues and gives you a reason to tuck them away…a person who makes you happy/happier, fills the voids, keeps you grounded, calm and more sane. Who brings out your better qualities and makes you a more mature person. For me, that person was Prince Charming. He showed me that I could feel/be valued without being sexual and the man returned with explanations, apologies (somewhat debatable but the words I’m sorry were in there) and wanting to try again…that alone still makes him amazing, different and a game changer. Who else was able to do these things with me/to me/for me?

See, I forgot that the man is human..which makes him flawed but I think he has good intentions. And he is a man, which makes him a freaking idiot. Seriously, he is…we JUST had the run of craziness in which his alleged double life (which he is vehemently denying) was exposed. But because he was the man who provided all the things in the beginning paragraph, I did want to try again. I was willing to either believe when he said MG was not in his life that way or ignore the fact I was a side piece from the start. I was willing to reset, forgive and forget….it was a misunderstanding in communication on his end and I went snooping on my end. We both made mistakes and we both wanted to get it right. But it has been rough going.

In less than a week, this man is back doing the very things I loved about him; he is back to being attentive, understanding, funny, giving me his schedule/locations. And he is also back to doing what I asked him not to: he is feeding hope (we can make this work, we can take this somewhere, yes I want to see you…I will make the time). Thank goodness my trust issues are still riled up and guards are in place because this fool let it slip out that he was job searching out west and looking at options. He is planning on relocating to Utah to be with his parents and because his son wants to go to school out there. But then again, he may not relocate if something major happens here regarding steady/long term/permanent employment. Not exactly sure when he will relocate but hoping by the end of the calendar year. And while I did not go crazy, I did get angry on a lot of levels. First, you ask for my help with the job search and I am all over the place scouring the DC area for work and leads and hooked him up with the recruiter on my job who is searching for talent for a HUGE contract…and you are looking in Utah? Really? Secondly, I pointed out that he went to his parents’ house for the holidays and GUESS who was there? And now upon your return home, you are speeding up your relocation plans from 5 years to less than a year? Too much of a coincidence for me…and I asked him just how serious was it with MG? He came back with he was moving to be with his parents. He was moving to Utah, not California. But he never answered my question and I told him his not telling me how serious is it between he and her tells me just how serious it is.

Thirdly, if he planning to relocate, just WHERE does he see this friendship with me going? Because people who say that sort of thing are usually looking for forward progression. Pray tell, with him moving to Utah and closer proximity to his darling and her love…WHAT does the future hold for us? Because I see a never ending baseball season, broken promises and him with someone who is not me. Just STOP giving me false hope, and leading me on…it takes time, efforts and emotions that could be poured into someone who actually wants to see where things could go, With me and me alone. We both know I like him lots and have a crush on him and yes, we can be FRIENDS…I do enjoy talking to him, I enjoy the attention and validation and it is evident he gets something from me…but it cannot wander into the “special zone” . He and I have already been wherever he thinks we can go. Do you want to know HIS response?? “Give me a minute”

Even now, he is insisting that MG is a has-ran (remember when Ricky Ricardo said that on “I Love Lucy”?) and not a factor or major player in his decisions, he wants me and I just have to trust him. Yes, some things are awkward still between us, but given time, we can be fully back on track. I tell him he is leaving soon…3,000 miles away…MG involved or not. I DO understand the parent thing…as long as everyone lives long enough, eventually we all return home to care for our parents. So where does that leave me, leave us and my trust issues? His response? “ Nothing is set in stone. Who knows what the future holds?” I wish I were strong enough to walk away…finish hurting and healing and just wait for the next guy because this is NOT what I expected when I signed up for a second tour. I can accept that it is only friendship/texting…I need/crave the attention. And obviously, he feels I provide something that does something to rock his world. I do wish things between us were different …I would love to make our time together in the same area something a bit more memorable…a hot, steamy, rough sex affair would be delicious, but it will never happen. He has already proven he is a master at excuses, and if they were not in the way….I feel too much to just let it be sex.

I don’t know…it is as if he returned from Utah, he is different. It could be the fallout from the fight but I think it is MG. In fact, I have even asked the man if he got engaged because the banter, the kink, the feeling I could tell him any and everything is…gone. I feel he is tolerating me and I feel awkward and as if I am trying too hard. He says he is not engaged, there is no girlfriend. Yes, he is different but he is more stressed than usual…nothing has changed between us, we’re good. It could be me because I do view him differently. It could be him…he knows that there will insinuations and accusations and maybe he figures the more on neutral territory we stay, the better off he is. It could be that he IS leaving, so why exert so much time and effort? But I want to enjoy my time together with PC. I am quite sure neither of us signed back up to argue and accuse.

So, I made a decision….I am putting MG out of my mind and out of whatever it is I have with PC. I have really very little evidence of anything: two non-suggestive pictures, a relationship status on HER page, not his (and if her page is an indication, she can barely speak English), and he called her darling. That’s it. In his own words, she is nothing new and just someone he talks to…and not on the same level he talks to me (volume or content). When he mentioned to her he was coming out West, she asked if they could meet…a reunion of sorts. I do not have to trust him, but if this is going to work, I do have to believe him. I can either have a relationship with PC or have a relationship with MG…I choose PC because in spite of all the ugliness and craziness…he did choose me. Again. He has shown me I am worth efforts and worth fighting for. It isn’t the physical…he sees me on levels other than and hopefully deeper than that. I do not know what is going to happen this time around, but I am still willing to ride the brakes off it while I find out.

3 thoughts on “Rocky Road

  1. Do you ever get emotionally exhausted from all the contemplating and speculating and analyzing involved in your relationships?

    • I do…I really thought this was the one I would not have to speculate and analyze.
      But when my trust issues get riled up…I am off to the races.
      And I do not think I am the only person (male or female) to do this…I just tell people about it.

      • No doubt everyone (male and female) does it. We all pause and ponder the condition or direction of our relationships from time to time, especially when there is uncertainty or obscurity. I like the fact that you’re taking time to ponder these issues and weighing them rationally instead of acting on emotion alone.

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