Hope Floats

It has been a long time since I have gone crazy, butt fuck or otherwise. I forgot while going crazy seems liberating and to be the perfect outlet to vent frustrations, hurt and anger…it comes at a cost. I am feeling run down, utterly ridiculous and my self-respect is wondering if It can ever show its face again. I was taking notes while watching ID channel and wondering why those ugly, crazy ass women on the shows could get and keep a man (saw a program where the woman (fluent in ebonics and had a tacky weave) stabbed all of her men, and even after telling the new guy her story AND stabbing HIM…they are engaged); I was privy to stories worse than mine from people I know: the girl whose fiancé had fiancées in three different states; a woman whose husband of five years is putting her out of their home because she has been unable to secure employment in the past two years and he is tired of supporting her; the girl whose live in boyfriend left her to return to his ex…with no warning or goodbye. Maybe I went crazy for everyone.

I was trying to get Hope to just move out the way, channel her energies in a different direction but this heifer moved two inches to the right and refused to budge. See, when we were Facebook stalking we came across a post that suggested that PC/HT may have had a change of heart towards the Mexican Girlfriend….the post (not on MG’s page) was asking someone to think things over before making a decision that would be a mistake…the post ended with: feeling sad, lonely, scared and alone. And MG herself was feeling sad and disappointed. That is when PC/HT asked her: why, my darling? So as quickly as Hope perked up, she sank back down and settled into her path blocking corner. But, the post left Panel members uneasy and seeing red flags….not Hope. She was sleeping and trying to ignore Crazy knocking on her door.

The next day while distracting myself with co-worker conversation and Craigslist, I got a text. From PC/HT….he said he was going to touch base with me after work and send me a detailed email. In true Sister Someone fashion, I had worn the man down with my crazy, at least enough to finally acknowledge me. A thousand thoughts went through my mind, pretty much all of them negative. I figured he was going to threaten me with a restraining order, tell me he was marrying the MG, call me names. Hope was trying to bounce off the wall because he had come back, but I refused to allow her out of the corner. Artsy Craftsy was shocked, Morning Person said this was unexpected and unwanted, Chef feels that the post from the day before and the man’s next day email were too coincidental and New Mommy said whatever he was up to was going down at midnight. And give the young lady a prize…the email came through at 12:01am.

The email was written in his “foosed” language, except he did not bring along the interpreter (UTA says it is compete weirdness and the man is a Jekyll and Hyde) …he gave so many details about so many things, except the MG. Basically, he said he stopped talking because he felt I sent attitude filled texts while he was on vacation…his phone was on a shelf in his parents’ house, he was 4 wheeling in the mountains, he was with his kids, parents and siblings; when he is home, the phone is either upstairs by the bed or downstairs while he cleans, cooks and conducts job searches. His phone is not with him at all times. I am impatient, get bitchy and give him no time to respond. I need to relax and wait for him to speak before jumping to conclusions. Then he said I sent hateful texts and I both pissed him off and pushed him to his breaking point. He said we were friends, seeing where it would lead…not boyfriend/girlfriend, but who knew what the future held? He is sorry I was hurt but If we are reading the email correctly, there is no Mexican Girlfriend (what struck me was he either misspelled her name or was just calling her a different name altogether) and my being hurt is a misunderstanding…MG is a woman he had a friendship with almost 25 years ago…they lost touch and married other people. She had already met his family back then…she was an old family friend. Nothing new, no big deal. Then he said he wanted to continue our friendship if I wanted to.

My response was very mature and grown-up like…I told him I did not think we were boyfriend/girlfriend…we did have a special relationship, but he sent mixed signals: on the one hand…he occupied most of my time, I was the only one, he was not looking for anyone else and he definitely wanted me to be celibate and waiting for him despite claiming other men would not be a problem. (the man was pissed when I went to dinner with Reliable One and he tolerated office happy hours because the male members of the team are married) But, on the other hand, he still has not found 90 minutes for a dinner we planned in September, dragged an excuse out for three days bailing on a lunch he offered and there was no hang out time, no face time and no sex, save in August and October. Yeah, what we had was special but not true relationship material. I told him once he stopped talking, the texts I sent (3 of them, people) were out of care and concern…they were sarcastic in tone to hide my worry. Once I knew he was back in town and deliberately ignoring me…yes, my issues went butt fuck crazy and here is where I agree with Chef…the man is a pussy. You want hateful? Go talk to Him about hateful. I did not go crazy over the supposed girlfriend but over the fact I felt he lied and when someone I care for hurts me with their actions, I hurt with my words. I feel I am pretty patient as he responds pretty quickly but he needs to define boundaries if he wants me to respect them. I am not a mind reader. And yes, I am open to trying again but no offering to do anything, to see me…I am too understanding of what he presents to me to be subjected to disappointment any longer. And in return, I will not ask for face time or sex…if he wants that with me, he will make it happen. No mention of the Mexican Girlfriend on my part…soon enough he is going to think to ask how the hell I know.

So it has been a few days and I am not sure I trust him and not sure if he even wants this. It isn’t what it was before the craziness, and I knew it wouldn’t be, but it is almost as if we are strangers. We eventually loosened up the first day and had random conversations about death and raisins and he still wants me to call him Daddy, but I went home early from work the other day and all he said was: feel better soon. No checking on me, no good morning/good night, no nothing. Trying to remember that this is an adjustment for both of us…we are both still hurt and have guards up. Not to mention he likes to test people….I have him just waiting for me to go off, but I am not. I have gotten an explanation and an apology and I gave him an apology also. My crazy can be too much for folks who have not had to deal with it before. Still not sure why he came back (not many people do when pushed to a breaking point and he says he chose to try again), but Hope thinks we will work through this and the good we were together and for each other can overcome the bad and ugly. I just keep reminding myself I need to be careful of what I wish for. Who knows where this is going and what will happen next? Stay tuned for the next post and we can find out together.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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