It has been a little over two weeks since I last heard from Prince Charming/Horny Toad and a little over a week since I have discovered about his double life. I am a mess but I am an organized mess. I am hurt, sad and disappointed. I am a little lost and a lot empty. I told him I enjoy a physical attraction/connection, but I wanted someone who could make me fall for them mentally and emotionally, not just based on sexual acts…he listened. I told him about how others had left me, about some of the painful things in my past…he listened. And he used all I shared and confided to hurt me, not help me or help me work through them. So I am not all wailing and crying over the whys and having no answers. I have my answer: he is a liar, cheater and a coward. The whys are irrelevant…not sure even he knows the reasoning behind his thought processes. I am a mess because I am angry I allowed yet another insincere loser/user into my heart and this time…my mind. I am angry I listened and believed. I am angry because I am tired of being the one who does all the loving…never the one being loved. I am tired of being the one left behind, unworthy of at least a “see ya” when I do everything right…as if I never existed. This is why I cry…because as much as I love Hope, she has failed me yet again.
I am at the fuck it stage…going to buy me some kittens, buy some yarn and a rocking chair. I cannot get a distraction…you know it’s bad when AFO and Craigslist ignore and/or reject you. So that is another thing I am tired of…closed doors and dead ends. Of course, that did not stop Hope. I let her run off the leash for a day and she went right back to the closed door that is PC/HT. Lord, she has approached in all kinds of manners and this time she sent the man recruiter information and the article proving that a real job could result if the man took action; she warned of him of the icy conditions during a morning commute; she told him to just stop playing…she was the one who was gainfully employed, the one who was a damn good friend to him 24/7, she was the one he could control (and she said that the man could control whatever he wanted…she would ask permission to speak in public if that is what he wanted); she was the fun one, the passionate and exciting lover. Hope sent sexy pictures to remind him of Babygirl. She was the one who cared for him and wanted him…and she missed, needed and wanted not only Prince Charming but Daddy. PLEASE come home. Hope Craigslisted all day, texted AFO, and sat in the dark with no television, music or lights. Hope was not ready for things to end (and in the exact same manner as the last two relationships did)…hell, how hard was it to TEXT?? Hope is tired of healing…if it isn’t a physical ailment, it is emotional damage. She is not ready for another process and starting over, yet again. Shit, Hope put on her “ho threads” (a dress that stops at her ass and shows all of her legs while concealing the tummy)with no bra, panties or hose and went downtown for lipstick and pasta. She only got hit on by two homeless men, which may have been the last straw. She gave in to Discouragement.
Discouragement is the one who sent the text stating that she gave up. PC/HT has been approached in love, anger and concern; he had been approached by a friend, a lover and a submissive. Perhaps he was not looking for what she thought they had and definitely it was all a wasted time and effort on her part. Maybe, if she were a single mom who had painted on eyebrows and a menial job, she may be more his speed. Low blow, but what the fuck is he going to say? Discouragement was the one who finally deleted the man’s contact information, which was an empty gesture as we have everything memorized. When Hope woke up this morning, she went through her usual torture routine and discovered PC/HT is now making comments on Mexican Girlfriend’s page, calling her “my darling”….it reminded her when she was called baby, Little One and told she was the only one. And that is when I made Hope recounted/recalled a conversation she had a couple of days ago with Reason (in the form of Feisty One) before she began thinking she could make the blind see and the deaf hear.
Reason sat Hope down and let her know that she is no longer the Patron Saint of Lost Causes. Yes, Reason understood the loneliness, the sense of loss and the emptiness…but Hope needs to realize she is missing the attention. Yes, she has every right to be hurt…she cared for and trusted a man who abused her trust in all kinds of ways, but did Hope realize that she was involved in an unhealthy relationship? The connection, the chemistry, the “thing” PC/HT and Hope felt the first time together?? THAT was unhealthiness. Reason asked Hope who texts/talks 18 hours out of a 24 hour day…every day? Married people don’t even do that…we knew when the other was eating (and what it was), we knew each other’s schedule, we knew when we used the bathroom. Us not seeing each other made no difference in knowing all of these details. The fact that the man supposedly has a schedule busier than the President’s and a very long distance relationship should let us know that he is not interested in a lot of face time or physical activity with either of us…and despite what Hope says, face time would eventually become an expectation…and the man has shown he is not good at meeting expectations, low or high. Hope needed to stop shouldering the responsibility of what happened, stop doubting herself and STOP giving this man her attention, time, efforts and emotions. She was too good and too right to this man to allow herself to be reduced to a doormat. She did not do anything wrong..this is all on PC/HT and she cannot control the man’s actions. She does not have to respect them but eventually, she will have to accept them. Yes, it is unexpected when things were going great and there was a promise of a tomorrow…but as proven by the man’s stony silence, sometimes tomorrow never comes. It is time to transition from hoping for a return to hoping for better results the next time around…don’t shut down, don’t close off…just be open to what comes next.
So, I wind up my weekend blogging this out, praying even harder for the strength to accept what has transpired and trying to forget the fact that everything else that threatened PC/HT and Hope had been overcome with happy endings. Trying to not wish the man stays broke, unhappy and alone save his children for the rest of his life and just focus on me. No more reaching out/texting, no more torturing myself with trying to stay abreast of potential breaking developments (aka Facebook stalking)….it isn’t as hard as it is being presented if Hope just switches gears. It’s time to let go of the memories and prepare myself to make new ones. Someday. With someone.
Huge thank yous to you readers and to Morning Person, Artsy Craftsy (your letter is next, I promise), New Mommy, Chef, Policeman, Buggy and Feisty One for being here for me to help me through. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!