This is going to be a long blog post. I am going to reveal and face some truths that are somehow easier to face this time around…I guess they would be since this is my third time facing the exact same ending to a relationship that I thought held promise and a future. All I ask is that you grab snacks, don’t hate me and you can’t judge me…this blog is a judgment free zone.
But before I tell you guys about the worst day in a looooong time, I promised Artsy Craftsy I would tell you guys about the ending to the worst day in a looooong time. Some of you may know that my current job/assignment involves me working in the IT sector…I work the walk up window (wuw) and perform what I call IT intake. We usually get the same issues everyday…passwords, unlocking accounts, cracked screens…once we got a laptop that looked like it had been skateboarded over but the ones we hate to get are the folks who spill liquids on the company laptops. These people have usually let the liquid sit overnight and if it is a sugared beverage, that makes the problem slightly more critical. And these folks are always smiling and grinning like it is the funniest thing in the world…newsflash: it isn’t. It shows us you are irresponsible and really don’t give a damn and NO, we do not have a loaner machine for the irresponsible and uncaring. So today, a user brings us a laptop he had puked all over…the night before…AND he was smirking, as if he relished the thought of us dealing with his stinky, germy vomit. Of course no one wanted to work on the laptop but the Hard Working Tech said he would do it. He suited up in two pairs of gloves, armed himself with Clorox wipes and did a fantastic job…no more smell, the user got a new laptop and Feisty One insisted we wrap the vomity machine in bubble wrap and we put a bright green Mr. Yucky sticker on the laptop to let others know NOT to use this machine. Ever.
Well, I have procrastinated enough about telling you guys about how I am handling the PC/HT situation…and let me say right now, I told everyone via this blog I was scared to fall for him AND that he was too good to be true. YAY, I was right. I have been told I am handling this so well, I have grown so much and this is nowhere on the level of the Him fiasco, but I am a mess and a wreck. I have texted the man…I told him so many things. I expressed my anger and hurt; told I would not seek revenge, harm or hurt….karma would take care of that. I have told him he fucked over a good woman and a real friend for no good reason and one day he will miss me. I even went the reason/season/lifetime route and said maybe he was in my life for a reason: he DID make me happy (happier than all the others combined), he restored my confidence, he taught me to see the beauty in the flaws…and maybe his job was done. Oh, I have been talking to him (figured since he won’t talk to me, I will talk to him..and there has been no cursing) but today…today I woke up crying, rocks in my tummy and I KNEW it was going to be a bad day. Going about my day, I had the hitch in my throat that meant I was holding back even more tears and the sick feeling in my stomach just grew and grew…and I said fuck it. I texted PC/HT and told him I knew I was looking desperate, stalkerish and even needier than I am but I wanted, missed and needed my Daddy. I was a little girl lost and whatever happened has happened. The truth was out, let’s build from here. I did not care about the Mexican Girlfriend, I no longer cared why he left…just COME HOME and we could make this right. If I did anything wrong or mean or whatever to make him leave, PLEASE tell me what it was so I can fix it. I told him it was unfair to him me still reaching out but I am freshly wounded, he used the painful things about my past I told him not to help me but to hurt me and I was not ready for us to end. And of course, in true typical pasty faced bitch ass coward form…he said absolutely nothing. And then I felt stupid but I am not stupid…I know how this will go. He will NOT respond…be it out of guilt, finding yet another woman or just because I no longer exist to the man…he will not respond. I know I will get through this and on the other side, I will be happy again and find someone new. And I want the other side…but there are two protagonists and an instigator at play.
Acceptance: I love acceptance. I really do. We had our moments with the Him fiasco but I know now that acceptance is here to make things better, make the realities less harsh and make the inevitable easier to swallow. What I forgot was that acceptance itself is a process…there is healing to be done (this wound is very fresh…6 days old) and I am not helping the healing process by constantly running back to the source of the pain. Acceptance means letting go, especially if there is nothing there to hold onto. Acceptance represents that I acknowledge PC/HT’s rejection of me frees me to be accepted by another (taller, cuter and no kids)….but acceptance cannot do its job because of hope.
Hope: Hope is a protagonist in this story because she is as much a victim as me, maybe more so. Hope believed the situations and stories that were presented to her. Hope had empathy, sympathy and understanding. And unlike the Him fiasco, Hope had a reason to bloom here…PC/HT fed her constantly until she was fat and complacent. He was around constantly, fed her validation galore…she was pretty, exciting, fun and funny, passionate, intelligent. She was the only one…by choice. He did not want anyone but her…he nipped questions in the bud, slayed the dragons known as insecurity and jealousy and made promises she believed with every fiber of her being. And now faced with her fairy tale palace crumbling before her very eyes, Hope is clinging hard to all that she had been told and fed…no way was PC/HT gone. He was coming back. He CARED about her, he said he would never lie and never leave. Faced with certain truths, Hope chooses to avert her eyes and shed herself of dignity and self respect. He can KEEP the girlfriend…just keep her too. Hope is ignoring the shut and locked door that would allow entry to the crumbled palace…she is kicking, screaming, knocking and twisting doorknobs, begging to be let in. She was HAPPY….don’t take away her happiness. Hope is blocking Acceptance’s passage to the other side, and she does not care as Acceptance is a fucking liar. PC/HT will come back…we just have to wait.
Impatience: This sucker is an instigator playing both sides of the fence. On the one hand, he is playing Hope…telling her to keep knocking and don’t give up. Acceptance IS a liar…hell, we boarded this train before only to end up in the same fucking place…AGAIN. Impatience is telling Hope to take her sweet time and while she waits, indulge in some physical therapy known as sex with strange men. They won’t erase PC/HT from the memory banks but if he is out there with other women, she could be with other men. Cuter men, younger men who she could taunt him with should she choose. Except that road is washed out…no signs of life or interest. Hope is looking around, lost and lonely, until Impatience tells her THAT is her sign…she is meant to wait for PC/HT to return, and if she lets Acceptance pass, she will miss out on him…and you know this time, he will come with apologies, explanations and fidelity. But maybe she could let the man know she was waiting…reach out, he will respond. Except he doesn’t….and so she is tempted more and more to keep reaching out because he WAS coming back.
While Impatience has Hope looking like a psycho bitch, he wanders over to Acceptance and tells him to MOVE.THAT.TRAIN. People are ready to get to the other side to resume their lives…people want to be happy and free of obsessive thoughts, people are tired of Facebook stalking and coming up with even more ridiculous theories (like PC/HT has taken up with Caramel Cutie out of DC…based on the fact she liked his profile picture…no indication they are friends of any type and not to mention the man was in Utah with his girlfriend when he stopped talking), people are tired of staring at the man’s picture and still seeing how great looking he is, then ready to cry because once she could call him hers. The man is not returning outreach gestures for whatever reason, and it is time for bigger, better and to stop feeling the pain he inflicted. MOVE.THAT.TRAIN. So Acceptance tries to move ahead, but Hope is a gate blocking the path…and no one wants to kill Hope…if she can even be killed. And what all three of them forget is that no one is going anywhere (except maybe Impatience) until the process has come through to heal the hurts, smooth the rough edges and make sure the road ahead is clear to pass.
So this is where I am…waiting for the process to do what it does…again. I am trying to hold Hope at bay, and for the most part I am able to control her, but when she gets out, all hell breaks loose. I DO want Acceptance to pass through here and do it soon, but I have to heal and add yet another scar to my battle weary heart. I am listening to Daughter whose songs are melancholy but not depressing to help pass the time. I put PC/HT’s contact info back in my phone…might as well as I have it memorized. Just as he knocked Him out of the contacts list, the next man can knock PC/HT out. I have erased the texts, but kept the emails and his pictures…one day, I will erase them but not now. Maybe not ever..who knows? I think I am doing a better job ten days in with this than I was ten months in with Him and I just pray for strength, God’s will and no interference (gotta work on that one) several times a day. But I am still alive, have not killed anyone and no longer willing my phone to send me a text. Right now all I want to get through each day a little stronger than the day before.
If you made it all the way through, thank you!!! I know this is a lot for a Thursday and I appreciate you hanging in there. Come back soon for my love letter to Artsy Craftsy and always…thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!