Before I begin this blog post, I have to thank so many people for being there with me when I went batshit crazy Saturday. Trust me, if you were not there, it was a sight and I was a hot mess. I was up 28 hours straight with no sleep and no desire for sleep, demanding people give me their vehicles, wanting to go the hardware store to get a sledgehammer to smash windshields; the gas station to get a can of gasoline and my favorite was thinking I could go out to Virginia to get a firearm…not to shoot Horny Toad but I thought of putting him a bed with Married Man, Him and AFO and make them all suck each other off. I would sit in a chair in a sexy outfit, smoking a cigarette with the gun trained on them. My motto? “Blow him before I blow you…away. Choose wisely.” I read the casual encounter section of Craigslist like it was the Sunday paper as I was convinced a hard pounding by a stranger was the solution to all my problems. I was deranged entertainment on two feet.
So before I say anything else, let me personally thank UTA, Morning Person, Weekend Phone Friend, Chef, Honeybee, Buggy, Downstairs Neighbor, Artsy Craftsy (she got me a Dammit Doll!), Baby Mama and New Mommy. And also to my Facebook/real world friends who chimed in with their opinion in whether to involve the Mexican Girlfriend: One Week Co-Worker and The Girl from Washington State. I have decided against involving her for a lot of reasons: she has no idea who the hell I am and I do not need to be labeled the Crazy Whore again (she WILL believe HT over me, guaranteed), it is a long distance relationship (does this man do EVERYTHING online?) so no worries about him getting caught literally in the act (unless he really is that stupid to have physical relations with another while visiting her) and the consensus is she caught him/found him out, so maybe he will do the right thing by her. You guys kept me somewhat sane and completely under control and for Honeybee, Buggy and Downstairs Neighbor to come up/over to make sure I was not completely falling apart was wonderful. The texts and phone calls from the Panel members was a life saver and while I cannot believe I am going through this AGAIN (it was so much fun the first time, right?) and so soon (2 guys in less than three years lying and leaving with no apology, goodbye or explanation)…I am glad I have you all here with me to help make it through.
So between passing out Horny Toad’s Christmas gifts, phone calls, texting and a mutually beneficial encounter, I did a lot of talking, a lot of thinking and wrote a letter to HT…I am going to post it here versus sending it to the man. I still may send it, but for right now I just want to purge myself of the man and not willing to risk potential further contact. See, I do hate him right now for being a liar and a cheater and just a reincarnation of all the stupid men who came before…but I want him back. I MISS him and the attention and the laughs and the chemistry/connection. I want him HERE, apologizing and asking for forgiveness and whispering sweet nothings to appease me for a minute….I want to postpone the hurt and harsh realities. I want to hit the reset button. I want to hear the man tell me I am pretty, sexy, fun and funny again. Of course, none of this will happen and it is what it is but I no longer want to feel doubtful and that is what his actions have done. HT has caused to me to doubt myself again: to doubt my beauty, my judgment, my self confidence and self esteem are taking a nose dive and I cannot blame them. Seriously, 4 guys…one stayed married (no surprise), one cannot remember my name but recalls in vivid detail the night I shoved a dildo up his ass after making him suck it, one up and left without a backward glance to marry a big tittied hooker/gold digger with three kids and now…Horny Toad. And where I meet them makes no difference…real world, online, via a sex ad…I attract a special kind of crazy that transcends all mediums. I do not want to doubt or wonder or tear myself down again but let’s be honest…the common denominator between these four very different men is me.
I am going to try to go back to sleep (5 hours is not cutting it right now)…maybe with some real rest and more prayer, I can calm down and put the questions and theories to bed…at least not crowd my brain like a NYC subway car at the height of rush hour. For now, I will leave you with the letter, and again…any and all feedback is encouraged and needed. Again, thank you all for your love, support and positive thoughts and I will be back soon with something….let’s all be surprised, shall we ?
You probably won’t read this what with your laryngitis of the hands probably gestating into paralysis of the eyeballs when it comes to me lately and that’s okay. It is more about closure for me and making sure I did all could to keep things as civil as possible….I think that we have had enough of a decent and positive connection with whatever it is (not sure what to label/categorize it) we had to let it end (at least on my end) on such an ugly note.
I sincerely apologize for calling you names and four letter words…all I will say is hurt people, hurt people. I am not angry that you have a girlfriend (and apparently, a serious one at that…meeting the parents, kids and siblings is a big deal)…I am angry and hurt that you felt the need to lie to me from the very beginning. See, I loathe stupidity but I HATEHATEHATE (I know it is a strong word) lies and liars. With my trust issues for me to let the guards down is hard as hell, and now I feel a man I thought was so special, different, wonderful and amazing is nothing more than one of my past asswipe exes reincarnated. I feel that whatever we had was a lie, you never liked me or cared for/about me and whatever I felt for you now makes me feel stupid and foolish, not happy and fortunate. I just remember you saying you would never lie, never keep secrets and you would never leave…and you did all three.
Maybe I was so ready for something real, and normal and with someone who could reciprocate my efforts and feelings I overlooked and forgave a lot of things. I probably got attached too quickly because I thought/felt that we had so much in common and under the skin we were similar people…lonely, hurt and just wanting to find a safe harbor to reveal ourselves without judgment, where we could be open, sexual and explore so many things together. And here is the kicker: you could have told me at our initial meeting that you were in a long distance relationship but wanted to explore/have something with me…I probably still would have gone for it with you. All I want is to make my choices with all the facts on the table. There is nothing worse than being hurt and feeling used.
Sad thing, even though you did me wrong, all I can wonder is what I did to make you unhappy. You always said that when I no longer made you happy, you would stop talking to me…and since you stopped talking, I can only presume that I no longer made you happy. I guess that is my submissiveness kicking in…desiring to please another even though they do not wish to please me. That, or my self confidence and self esteem are at levels below zero once again.
All I know is you chose to lie and then leave without an apology, explanation or goodbye and only you know why you did so. Just know, all I wanted was to be a good friend and better woman to you. I thought that we could have something special and do wonderful things for each other, but now I return to the life I had before you which will be little less happy without you in it.
Best of luck and much success in all endeavors to you, the kids and Mexican Girlfriend.