Life is imperfect and comes with no guarantees. I see that when I THINK I have cleaned my house and still, there are dust bunnies running rampant. I see it when I am dumb enough to wear a loose fitting wig during the coldest, windiest day of the year and my hair is laying five feet away in a pile of dirty snow. I see it when the cracks beneath the façade of teamwork begin to break the surface and folks are being tossed under the “look at me, I am the best employee ever” bus. Fortunately, life gives us friends and family to help us make it through and let us know when we may want to run in the bathroom and fix our wet, crooked hair or are there to remind us that the best solution to tattle-tale coworkers is to ignore them, do what we are supposed to and let our work speak for itself. And no, just because the Sheriff gave me gift cards to my favorite work lunch spot does not mean that is the equivalent to a severance package. Even more fortunately, life every once in awhile gives us a second chance to make/get things right with those we love/care about. Unfortunately, there is no solution or remedy for dust bunnies.
So pretty much everyone knows I have been conductor, passenger and engineer on the Crazy Train, but it is time to park this baby. I am exhausted, the Panel is exhausted and for real…not sure why I insisted on riding it AFTER I got what I wanted! All I can say is I no longer trusted PC and was so afraid of getting hurt again, of being blindsided, and it was not until talks with Weekend Phone Friend and Cuz that I realized I was being self centered, selfish and choosing to see only the part of the picture I wanted to see. While I was busy being poor me, the wronged woman victim…I was hurting Prince Charming…even after he returned. I called the man names, belittled a woman I did not know, lashed out at him for no reason, told him about the ads going back up and being with other people. I questioned his every move, I Facebook stalked and could not let my guard down long enough to enjoy how really great the past week has been. I left conversations to clear my head and called Morning Person and Artsy Craftsy all flustered because I was still falling for him…I wanted to reverse the fall. (If THAT isn’t a contradiction and sending mixed signals) We were talking, laughing, bantering…there was innuendo, the feeling that I was the only one, that we did belong together…and then I fucked it up. Again.
Friday was an edgy day for me….tired of the cold, tired of trudging to work in snow and ice and still not sleeping well. The not sleeping well was my fault…I was STILL searching all over FB to see if there were communications between PC and MG and her family. Just for the record, no communication between anyone of them in over a week…not even when PC was tagged in a video post posted by MG’s daughter. And the one sign of talk between them before that? He liked the daughter’s status about scaring relatives and it being epic. That’s it. In any case, it was just not a good start to my day..and when PC asked me how the trains were running (a ritual we have had since the beginning…we both ride the same line and I board a good 15 minutes before he does), I flipped out. Told him I was not worth efforts, but good for a freaking train report? He can kiss my ass. Go back to his girlfriend and the other bitches he was talking to…cannot be sexual or social with me but wanted me to do for him. Fuck him.
And do you know how amazing and wonderful he is? He did not get angry…said obviously I was having a bad day and a two person conversation all by myself and assuming I knew what he would say. No need to apologize…he already forgave me. See, in my self-centered haze, I overlooked a lot of the efforts the man is making. He is no longer staying up late at night…our bedtimes are pretty much in sync and he wakes me up in the mornings now. I was the one who went out and was with other people (or at least the one dumb enough to tell it)…he forgave, forgot and overlooked that. I was the one who called him horrible names…not once did he call me anything but my name. I was the one who was sneaking and snooping…he never called me out on it. I probably hurt him more than he hurt me and still, he is willing to jump back in and try again. He showed me that I was worth second chances, that I was worthy of trust again and he isn’t worried about being hurt…he is focused on making it better. Yeah, there are lots of negative what-ifs in my mind right now, but I am sure he has them also.
So, I am recommitting myself to this whatever it is…seriously and fully this time. I want us to be happy, I want to enjoy what I have with him. I want to hear about prime rib at Outback with the kids, I want his opinions on my winter social outfit (he chose my red dress…said it made his eyes light up and I would be the cutest, sexiest girl at the party. I was leaning towards the sequins but he said it made me look like Las Vegas), I want him to tell me about baseball practices and how slow his day at the office is. And this weekend, when he did not talk to me, I did not immediately go off…he eventually texted to tell me it was a busy day with the kids and he just wanted to rest in the afternoon; he said his day was just okay without me in it and he missed me.
I am so grateful to have a second chance with PC….he makes my world a little bit brighter and happier and he says I do the same for him. I am going to try to sit back and let someone else…anyone else drive the car but me this time around. I am going to enjoy the journey regardless of the destination. For real, this time. So once again, we shall see where this goes. Hope you all stick around for Round 2. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!