Getting on the Good Foot

Life is imperfect and comes with no guarantees. I see that when I THINK I have cleaned my house and still, there are dust bunnies running rampant. I see it when I am dumb enough to wear a loose fitting wig during the coldest, windiest day of the year and my hair is laying five feet away in a pile of dirty snow. I see it when the cracks beneath the façade of teamwork begin to break the surface and folks are being tossed under the “look at me, I am the best employee ever” bus. Fortunately, life gives us friends and family to help us make it through and let us know when we may want to run in the bathroom and fix our wet, crooked hair or are there to remind us that the best solution to tattle-tale coworkers is to ignore them, do what we are supposed to and let our work speak for itself. And no, just because the Sheriff gave me gift cards to my favorite work lunch spot does not mean that is the equivalent to a severance package. Even more fortunately, life every once in awhile gives us a second chance to make/get things right with those we love/care about. Unfortunately, there is no solution or remedy for dust bunnies.

So pretty much everyone knows I have been conductor, passenger and engineer on the Crazy Train, but it is time to park this baby. I am exhausted, the Panel is exhausted and for real…not sure why I insisted on riding it AFTER I got what I wanted! All I can say is I no longer trusted PC and was so afraid of getting hurt again, of being blindsided, and it was not until talks with Weekend Phone Friend and Cuz that I realized I was being self centered, selfish and choosing to see only the part of the picture I wanted to see. While I was busy being poor me, the wronged woman victim…I was hurting Prince Charming…even after he returned. I called the man names, belittled a woman I did not know, lashed out at him for no reason, told him about the ads going back up and being with other people. I questioned his every move, I Facebook stalked and could not let my guard down long enough to enjoy how really great the past week has been. I left conversations to clear my head and called Morning Person and Artsy Craftsy all flustered because I was still falling for him…I wanted to reverse the fall. (If THAT isn’t a contradiction and sending mixed signals) We were talking, laughing, bantering…there was innuendo, the feeling that I was the only one, that we did belong together…and then I fucked it up. Again.

Friday was an edgy day for me….tired of the cold, tired of trudging to work in snow and ice and still not sleeping well. The not sleeping well was my fault…I was STILL searching all over FB to see if there were communications between PC and MG and her family. Just for the record, no communication between anyone of them in over a week…not even when PC was tagged in a video post posted by MG’s daughter. And the one sign of talk between them before that? He liked the daughter’s status about scaring relatives and it being epic. That’s it. In any case, it was just not a good start to my day..and when PC asked me how the trains were running (a ritual we have had since the beginning…we both ride the same line and I board a good 15 minutes before he does), I flipped out. Told him I was not worth efforts, but good for a freaking train report? He can kiss my ass. Go back to his girlfriend and the other bitches he was talking to…cannot be sexual or social with me but wanted me to do for him. Fuck him.

And do you know how amazing and wonderful he is? He did not get angry…said obviously I was having a bad day and a two person conversation all by myself and assuming I knew what he would say. No need to apologize…he already forgave me. See, in my self-centered haze, I overlooked a lot of the efforts the man is making. He is no longer staying up late at night…our bedtimes are pretty much in sync and he wakes me up in the mornings now. I was the one who went out and was with other people (or at least the one dumb enough to tell it)…he forgave, forgot and overlooked that. I was the one who called him horrible names…not once did he call me anything but my name. I was the one who was sneaking and snooping…he never called me out on it. I probably hurt him more than he hurt me and still, he is willing to jump back in and try again. He showed me that I was worth second chances, that I was worthy of trust again and he isn’t worried about being hurt…he is focused on making it better. Yeah, there are lots of negative what-ifs in my mind right now, but I am sure he has them also.

So, I am recommitting myself to this whatever it is…seriously and fully this time. I want us to be happy, I want to enjoy what I have with him. I want to hear about prime rib at Outback with the kids, I want his opinions on my winter social outfit (he chose my red dress…said it made his eyes light up and I would be the cutest, sexiest girl at the party. I was leaning towards the sequins but he said it made me look like Las Vegas), I want him to tell me about baseball practices and how slow his day at the office is. And this weekend, when he did not talk to me, I did not immediately go off…he eventually texted to tell me it was a busy day with the kids and he just wanted to rest in the afternoon; he said his day was just okay without me in it and he missed me.

I am so grateful to have a second chance with PC….he makes my world a little bit brighter and happier and he says I do the same for him. I am going to try to sit back and let someone else…anyone else drive the car but me this time around. I am going to enjoy the journey regardless of the destination. For real, this time. So once again, we shall see where this goes. Hope you all stick around for Round 2. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

A Hole in the Boat

Hope has left the building and took Crazy with her. After much cursing, taunting, begging and pleading they both got what they wanted: a second chance with Prince Charming. Once these two fools were reunited with their One…they packed bags and left. But they did not leave PC standing all alone in left field…no, they left Doubt in their place. Doubt is not all dewy eyed and thinking PC is the best thing. EVER. Doubt is not half assed in love and she lets it be known. Doubt gives PC the side eye, the raised eyebrows and the “uhmmm-hmmms.” Everything the man says is suspect, every minute he is not texting/talking and pretty much being 100% available, Doubt has the man with every chick in town and maybe on a red eye flight to California. Doubt has all the worst case scenarios lined up and reasoning that makes sense to her and makes a little bit of sense to me.

Trying to quell Doubt and her factulation (facts mixed with speculation…pretty clouded speculation), but I have two things that are both saying a helluva lot to me: first, one makes time, one finds a way for the things they really want…and this man dragged an excuse out 3 days to avoid coming 20 miles into the city to pick up presents bought for him and his kids. Forget the cheeseburger lunch he put out there. We have seen each other twice in five months and the man works 5 metro stops from my house (same line…does not even have to transfer) and he never had time. BUT, he could fly 3,000 miles to spend four days with MG. On the other hand, after a bombardment of crazy that both pissed him off and drove him to his breaking point…he comes back with patience, explanations and says he is willing to try again if I am. People really do not wish to start again with people who call them names, four letter words and prove themselves to be a dirty fighter and apparently a closet racist, especially over something that is not even true. Is it any wonder I am torn?

I do not want to factulate or analyze this…Prince Charming is my happy place. He is the one who answers the questions and nips the insecurities in the bud…and it would seem, the man is full of surprises. He and I were talking the other day and I asked him when did he stop wanting me sexually and why…his response? He never stopped wanting me but he was now being CELIBATE! Had come to the decision to go for it on Halloween, two days after our last encounter. My first thought was had I known THAT piece of info, I never would have prayed for my period to hold off until I saw the man again because someone, somewhere heard that prayer…Mother Nature has left the building also. My second thought was not only is he moving out west to be with MG, he is being faithful to her also. My third thought was…WHY come back? I make it very obvious that I want the man naked, in my bed and in my body very often. He must have read my thoughts because he was quick to say that this was all his idea…no influence and not doing it for anyone other than himself. He had been doing some thinking and soul searching and this is where his thought processes had lead him. He would like it if I joined him in the celibacy but he understood if I chose not to.

The asking me to join was out of the blue but maybe not…the man and I have been ridiculous together lately. He has been very uncommunicative and totally ignoring things he perceives as sexual, even though he says that sex(y) talk would not bother him or make him uncomfortable. I have been stiff and biting my tongue so hard, I swallow blood. Yet, over the weekend, when I had a nightmare and reached out for my Daddy, there he was. We were Daddy/babygirl and having a wonderful time; that night we were screaming and yelling and I told him I put the ads back up and fucked another man while he was in Utah. (half-truth…there was no penetration and mostly a makeout session) We agreed that this would be a conversation that never happened, and he told me I was so much more than that lifestyle…he wanted me to move forward and stop looking back. Take the ads down. I told him they went up out of anger and I felt guilty, as if I were cheating on him, even though we were not boyfriend/girlfriend or something. (a direct quote from his explanation email) He said he knows, he understands, no, he does not think I am a horrible person…if we were celibate together, we could get to know each other in a deeper way on a much more substantive level. We know we have the physical (hmmm…twice in 5 months and no favors returned?? Are you sure?) but now we can build up connections in other areas.

Fortunately, I have my Panel to help me sort it out and help dig up the seeds doubt is planting left and right and thank God for that. Seriously, when your non boyfriend who may or may not have a girlfriend and has been celibate for three months of your 5 month relationship…you sorta need someone to talk to. Feisty One says the man is either the most creative liar she has ever known (really, who is going to keep harping on a secret/non-existent relationship if he is not having sex?) or he is really telling the truth. Morning Person thinks it would be good for both of us and yes, he is telling the truth. Artsy Craftsy is dumbfounded but hey, if I like it, she loves it. New Mommy said when PC says friendship, he REALLY means it. UTA is still sticking to sheer weirdness. Chef sees red flags but for me, celibacy clears up a LOT of questions but one…why didn’t he tell me when he made the decision? Cuz (who is back from hiatus) had the best summary: the man is a conehead, but the fact that I am in his life (AFTER he was established in this “relationship” and that he came back wanting to try again if I did after I called him names and dealt low blow after low blow…and wants to do so with no sex involved) says a hell of a lot to him. Hell, I am already in a celibate relationship…the question I need to answer is do I want to stay in one?

I have not made a decision…PC and I are still adjusting to life after argument and during celibacy: talking, waking each other up, sharing our day, saying I miss yous and just being…us. I share my anger and doubts/fears with the Panel, not with him. I am making every effort to make sure I leave mention of anyone outside of a fifty mile radius out of our conversations and arguments (which are fewer since the revelation). The ads did come down (for lots of reasons) but once again…PC is the only one who could influence me in such a way. The Facebook fact finding mission is on hold and I am reminding myself of what a HORRIBLE idea it would be for us to actually friend each other there. I am trying to avoid talk of sex, sexy things and not throw the past or past actions in his face. We are swapping funny stories, talking football and office stories. I am learning his behaviors and when his weirdness is extremely prevalent, which seems to be when my neediness is especially prevalent. I also have a chat buddy…I have not told PC. I think I have said enough about my extracurricular activities at this point. Not sure where this is going but I guess we will find out. Stay tuned for more updates, letters and other assorted stuff.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Rocky Road

Every once in awhile, someone comes along. Someone who impresses you with their looks, personality, charm and wit. Someone who seems to know just what you need when you need it. A person who sees the beauty in you and brings it out, who takes away the loneliness, accepts the issues and gives you a reason to tuck them away…a person who makes you happy/happier, fills the voids, keeps you grounded, calm and more sane. Who brings out your better qualities and makes you a more mature person. For me, that person was Prince Charming. He showed me that I could feel/be valued without being sexual and the man returned with explanations, apologies (somewhat debatable but the words I’m sorry were in there) and wanting to try again…that alone still makes him amazing, different and a game changer. Who else was able to do these things with me/to me/for me?

See, I forgot that the man is human..which makes him flawed but I think he has good intentions. And he is a man, which makes him a freaking idiot. Seriously, he is…we JUST had the run of craziness in which his alleged double life (which he is vehemently denying) was exposed. But because he was the man who provided all the things in the beginning paragraph, I did want to try again. I was willing to either believe when he said MG was not in his life that way or ignore the fact I was a side piece from the start. I was willing to reset, forgive and forget….it was a misunderstanding in communication on his end and I went snooping on my end. We both made mistakes and we both wanted to get it right. But it has been rough going.

In less than a week, this man is back doing the very things I loved about him; he is back to being attentive, understanding, funny, giving me his schedule/locations. And he is also back to doing what I asked him not to: he is feeding hope (we can make this work, we can take this somewhere, yes I want to see you…I will make the time). Thank goodness my trust issues are still riled up and guards are in place because this fool let it slip out that he was job searching out west and looking at options. He is planning on relocating to Utah to be with his parents and because his son wants to go to school out there. But then again, he may not relocate if something major happens here regarding steady/long term/permanent employment. Not exactly sure when he will relocate but hoping by the end of the calendar year. And while I did not go crazy, I did get angry on a lot of levels. First, you ask for my help with the job search and I am all over the place scouring the DC area for work and leads and hooked him up with the recruiter on my job who is searching for talent for a HUGE contract…and you are looking in Utah? Really? Secondly, I pointed out that he went to his parents’ house for the holidays and GUESS who was there? And now upon your return home, you are speeding up your relocation plans from 5 years to less than a year? Too much of a coincidence for me…and I asked him just how serious was it with MG? He came back with he was moving to be with his parents. He was moving to Utah, not California. But he never answered my question and I told him his not telling me how serious is it between he and her tells me just how serious it is.

Thirdly, if he planning to relocate, just WHERE does he see this friendship with me going? Because people who say that sort of thing are usually looking for forward progression. Pray tell, with him moving to Utah and closer proximity to his darling and her love…WHAT does the future hold for us? Because I see a never ending baseball season, broken promises and him with someone who is not me. Just STOP giving me false hope, and leading me on…it takes time, efforts and emotions that could be poured into someone who actually wants to see where things could go, With me and me alone. We both know I like him lots and have a crush on him and yes, we can be FRIENDS…I do enjoy talking to him, I enjoy the attention and validation and it is evident he gets something from me…but it cannot wander into the “special zone” . He and I have already been wherever he thinks we can go. Do you want to know HIS response?? “Give me a minute”

Even now, he is insisting that MG is a has-ran (remember when Ricky Ricardo said that on “I Love Lucy”?) and not a factor or major player in his decisions, he wants me and I just have to trust him. Yes, some things are awkward still between us, but given time, we can be fully back on track. I tell him he is leaving soon…3,000 miles away…MG involved or not. I DO understand the parent thing…as long as everyone lives long enough, eventually we all return home to care for our parents. So where does that leave me, leave us and my trust issues? His response? “ Nothing is set in stone. Who knows what the future holds?” I wish I were strong enough to walk away…finish hurting and healing and just wait for the next guy because this is NOT what I expected when I signed up for a second tour. I can accept that it is only friendship/texting…I need/crave the attention. And obviously, he feels I provide something that does something to rock his world. I do wish things between us were different …I would love to make our time together in the same area something a bit more memorable…a hot, steamy, rough sex affair would be delicious, but it will never happen. He has already proven he is a master at excuses, and if they were not in the way….I feel too much to just let it be sex.

I don’t know…it is as if he returned from Utah, he is different. It could be the fallout from the fight but I think it is MG. In fact, I have even asked the man if he got engaged because the banter, the kink, the feeling I could tell him any and everything is…gone. I feel he is tolerating me and I feel awkward and as if I am trying too hard. He says he is not engaged, there is no girlfriend. Yes, he is different but he is more stressed than usual…nothing has changed between us, we’re good. It could be me because I do view him differently. It could be him…he knows that there will insinuations and accusations and maybe he figures the more on neutral territory we stay, the better off he is. It could be that he IS leaving, so why exert so much time and effort? But I want to enjoy my time together with PC. I am quite sure neither of us signed back up to argue and accuse.

So, I made a decision….I am putting MG out of my mind and out of whatever it is I have with PC. I have really very little evidence of anything: two non-suggestive pictures, a relationship status on HER page, not his (and if her page is an indication, she can barely speak English), and he called her darling. That’s it. In his own words, she is nothing new and just someone he talks to…and not on the same level he talks to me (volume or content). When he mentioned to her he was coming out West, she asked if they could meet…a reunion of sorts. I do not have to trust him, but if this is going to work, I do have to believe him. I can either have a relationship with PC or have a relationship with MG…I choose PC because in spite of all the ugliness and craziness…he did choose me. Again. He has shown me I am worth efforts and worth fighting for. It isn’t the physical…he sees me on levels other than and hopefully deeper than that. I do not know what is going to happen this time around, but I am still willing to ride the brakes off it while I find out.

Hope Floats

It has been a long time since I have gone crazy, butt fuck or otherwise. I forgot while going crazy seems liberating and to be the perfect outlet to vent frustrations, hurt and anger…it comes at a cost. I am feeling run down, utterly ridiculous and my self-respect is wondering if It can ever show its face again. I was taking notes while watching ID channel and wondering why those ugly, crazy ass women on the shows could get and keep a man (saw a program where the woman (fluent in ebonics and had a tacky weave) stabbed all of her men, and even after telling the new guy her story AND stabbing HIM…they are engaged); I was privy to stories worse than mine from people I know: the girl whose fiancé had fiancées in three different states; a woman whose husband of five years is putting her out of their home because she has been unable to secure employment in the past two years and he is tired of supporting her; the girl whose live in boyfriend left her to return to his ex…with no warning or goodbye. Maybe I went crazy for everyone.

I was trying to get Hope to just move out the way, channel her energies in a different direction but this heifer moved two inches to the right and refused to budge. See, when we were Facebook stalking we came across a post that suggested that PC/HT may have had a change of heart towards the Mexican Girlfriend….the post (not on MG’s page) was asking someone to think things over before making a decision that would be a mistake…the post ended with: feeling sad, lonely, scared and alone. And MG herself was feeling sad and disappointed. That is when PC/HT asked her: why, my darling? So as quickly as Hope perked up, she sank back down and settled into her path blocking corner. But, the post left Panel members uneasy and seeing red flags….not Hope. She was sleeping and trying to ignore Crazy knocking on her door.

The next day while distracting myself with co-worker conversation and Craigslist, I got a text. From PC/HT….he said he was going to touch base with me after work and send me a detailed email. In true Sister Someone fashion, I had worn the man down with my crazy, at least enough to finally acknowledge me. A thousand thoughts went through my mind, pretty much all of them negative. I figured he was going to threaten me with a restraining order, tell me he was marrying the MG, call me names. Hope was trying to bounce off the wall because he had come back, but I refused to allow her out of the corner. Artsy Craftsy was shocked, Morning Person said this was unexpected and unwanted, Chef feels that the post from the day before and the man’s next day email were too coincidental and New Mommy said whatever he was up to was going down at midnight. And give the young lady a prize…the email came through at 12:01am.

The email was written in his “foosed” language, except he did not bring along the interpreter (UTA says it is compete weirdness and the man is a Jekyll and Hyde) …he gave so many details about so many things, except the MG. Basically, he said he stopped talking because he felt I sent attitude filled texts while he was on vacation…his phone was on a shelf in his parents’ house, he was 4 wheeling in the mountains, he was with his kids, parents and siblings; when he is home, the phone is either upstairs by the bed or downstairs while he cleans, cooks and conducts job searches. His phone is not with him at all times. I am impatient, get bitchy and give him no time to respond. I need to relax and wait for him to speak before jumping to conclusions. Then he said I sent hateful texts and I both pissed him off and pushed him to his breaking point. He said we were friends, seeing where it would lead…not boyfriend/girlfriend, but who knew what the future held? He is sorry I was hurt but If we are reading the email correctly, there is no Mexican Girlfriend (what struck me was he either misspelled her name or was just calling her a different name altogether) and my being hurt is a misunderstanding…MG is a woman he had a friendship with almost 25 years ago…they lost touch and married other people. She had already met his family back then…she was an old family friend. Nothing new, no big deal. Then he said he wanted to continue our friendship if I wanted to.

My response was very mature and grown-up like…I told him I did not think we were boyfriend/girlfriend…we did have a special relationship, but he sent mixed signals: on the one hand…he occupied most of my time, I was the only one, he was not looking for anyone else and he definitely wanted me to be celibate and waiting for him despite claiming other men would not be a problem. (the man was pissed when I went to dinner with Reliable One and he tolerated office happy hours because the male members of the team are married) But, on the other hand, he still has not found 90 minutes for a dinner we planned in September, dragged an excuse out for three days bailing on a lunch he offered and there was no hang out time, no face time and no sex, save in August and October. Yeah, what we had was special but not true relationship material. I told him once he stopped talking, the texts I sent (3 of them, people) were out of care and concern…they were sarcastic in tone to hide my worry. Once I knew he was back in town and deliberately ignoring me…yes, my issues went butt fuck crazy and here is where I agree with Chef…the man is a pussy. You want hateful? Go talk to Him about hateful. I did not go crazy over the supposed girlfriend but over the fact I felt he lied and when someone I care for hurts me with their actions, I hurt with my words. I feel I am pretty patient as he responds pretty quickly but he needs to define boundaries if he wants me to respect them. I am not a mind reader. And yes, I am open to trying again but no offering to do anything, to see me…I am too understanding of what he presents to me to be subjected to disappointment any longer. And in return, I will not ask for face time or sex…if he wants that with me, he will make it happen. No mention of the Mexican Girlfriend on my part…soon enough he is going to think to ask how the hell I know.

So it has been a few days and I am not sure I trust him and not sure if he even wants this. It isn’t what it was before the craziness, and I knew it wouldn’t be, but it is almost as if we are strangers. We eventually loosened up the first day and had random conversations about death and raisins and he still wants me to call him Daddy, but I went home early from work the other day and all he said was: feel better soon. No checking on me, no good morning/good night, no nothing. Trying to remember that this is an adjustment for both of us…we are both still hurt and have guards up. Not to mention he likes to test people….I have him just waiting for me to go off, but I am not. I have gotten an explanation and an apology and I gave him an apology also. My crazy can be too much for folks who have not had to deal with it before. Still not sure why he came back (not many people do when pushed to a breaking point and he says he chose to try again), but Hope thinks we will work through this and the good we were together and for each other can overcome the bad and ugly. I just keep reminding myself I need to be careful of what I wish for. Who knows where this is going and what will happen next? Stay tuned for the next post and we can find out together.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Rise and Shine

There is a lot going on (which I will get into with my next post) which has me relying a lot on my Panel. I am calling folks at work, texts are flying, and then a rehashing of conversations with other folks in the evening. It involves a lot of advice, speculation and is kinda draining for all involved. That got me thinking about friendship…it is defined as harmony, understanding, accord and rapport. I have the best friends in the WORLD and they all show me what is in that definition plus so much more, but one person stands out from the rest. One person gets more phone calls, more grief, more questions and it is time to recognize and acknowledge that person.

Today’s post is a love letter to Morning Person. It is incredibly overdue and definitely time for her to know how appreciated she is by me. Come back soon for the latest update, more love letters and bouts of official crazy. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

To My Most Amazing Good Girlfriend:

I love you does not begin to cover what I feel for you….you are my faith when I have none. You were the one who was there when there was no me and no Panel. You were there when I celebrated 4 days clean by getting high. You were the one who was there when I was closed minded and thinking that letting men treat me like shit was the way to keep them and hold onto them. You were there when I finally “got” recovery, and for every anniversary since. We have had conversations than never happened. You know me in a way no one else (not even my/our mother) does…you know what makes me tick. You know the reasons behind the issues and the crazy. You know why I need to know the whys and wherefores of random fuckery. You have been there for every relationship, my achievements, my setbacks, and for the bad ideas. Hell, you ARE the Panel.

You are the one who tries to protect my heart. Your wisdom, your incredible patience, your cheerleading, no nonsense attitude and sympathy inspire me, motivate me and I cannot think of a time when you were not there to share everything with. Your insight into my relationships has helped so much…I would like to think I am making progress…we have gone from total losers to potential. When I say I am shutting down, no more ever again…you are the one who knows it is a lie. You always know when I am lying to myself. Whether it is a dinner party or a man, you know my heart is too big and I am too optimistic not to share what I have or try again. Your pushing and prodding when it comes to getting me up for work (and thank you and bless you for having the fortitude to keep calling, even when I oversleep) has definitely made me a better employee…my team sees more of me (and on time) than all the other teams combined. You are the one who sees my potential and knows it is has not been reached yet. You push me to reach it.

When I grow up, I want to be like you: selective in who enters my life, patient, and wise enough to know to let go when what was there is no longer there or even when it still is. You lead with your head, not your heart and make the decisions that are best for you longer term, not what feels right at the moment. It must work because you have never called me at 4am, screaming and crying. I know I am a helpless (not hopeless…I have enough hope for everybody) romantic who wants every man to be the one and every relationship to have a happily ever after, but you help me see (every time and after a LOT of long talks) that the ending is what it is…learn the lesson and apply it to the next big thing. You stop my self-criticisms and try to stop me from putting others on pedestals and giving them credit they do not deserve. When I thought I was going to die because of Him, you were the one who held it together for me and your words and advice are helping me with this current situation. Your up close and personal relationship with Acceptance is a gift I think only you have and it has added teacher to the list of things you are to and for me. Hope does not like you very much though.

Our friendship has weathered so much: jobs, relationships, good times, great times, ugly times, my mother’s stroke, your mother ‘s passing, tears, laughter, ridiculous times….you have truly been a lifelong friend and you will be my lifetime friend…as you said, ‘til death ‘til us part. You are the friend that jumps into the hole with me when I fall in because you know how to get out of the hole, and friends don’t leave friends in holes. There is so much more to say and I have so few words…just know that my life changed for the better the day I accepted your friendship and as long as you are a part of my world, I know I will be just fine.

A Friend Indeed

There is a corner market in my neighborhood…nice store, friendly owners and I try to utilize them to keep the wealth in the neighborhood when I can . Except their Ramen noodles are just not right. Same company, same packaging but when I get them elsewhere…they are firm, tasty and just all around better. The ones from the corner market are limp, watery and so salty I think it is a bowl of chicken flavored salt. But they are a good bargain (33 cents per pack compared to 67 cents at CVS) and no ride to the grocery store required.

I am talking about the noodles because it was just an observation I made while cooking them…I am trying to stay productive and busy. I have had two job interviews (we will see what happens with them, but really hoping my contract gets extended again), watched Remington Steele (one of my favorite shows) , caught up on missed TV shows, started reading my murder mysteries again and am back cooking dinner (the noodles do not count). I am trying to be done torturing myself: trying to figure out HT’s thought processes; shouldering blame and responsibility for his actions; wondering what is flawed in me that I attract crazy cowards; holding my phone in my hand, and other assorted stupid shit that dumped folks do to make sense of the rejection. No more…I am adjusting to my re-entry to the real world and real world interactions…I bought a pair of panties that has Kiss Me written across the front and a bell on the butt…it makes a lot of noise; I put on my black studded mini dress with studded black quilted flats and strutted my stuff (co-workers called me Tina Turner) and commandeered a conference room at work so me and the team could have lunch together…it was very Ferris Buellerish. Oh, I am going to jail…I gave the 22 year old ex-military security guard in my office my phone number…he keeps flirting and talking…why not? He says I am pretty and not fat, I am sure a 25 year age difference will not be a big deal. I am beautiful, beautifully flawed, a great friend and better woman. If only I could find that guy that is for me…that man is probably drunk and lost at the moment, but eventually he will sober up and buy a GPS.

So today’s blog post is a love letter (yes, still writing them) to my most favorite Panel member…Artsy Craftsy. I will be back soon with something…it will either be a breakdown or a breakthrough. Please enjoy the letter and as always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

My Dearest, Most Wonderful Artsy Craftsy:

I love you. I am in love with you. You are my sunshine, no matter what color the sky is. You have been around for a lot, but it is your help, support and advice for my love life that stand out. You help make sense of the nonsense and in spite of all that is going in with your world: husband, job, running, crafting, family, other friends….you make me feel like a priority. Even when your own issues are running rampant, you do your best to push them aside to make sure I am okay. With Him, you listened and listened and listened. To the same shit over and over again. We never did find answers but you were the one who helped me make peace with the situation. And now, with PC/HT, you are the one who is making me see that because it was based on a lie, does not mean it was a lie. You are the one reminding me that running to the source of the pain is not healing and as much as I say I want him back, I just want him to show me I did matter to him…we all know it will not be what it was.

Your ability to zero in on what is the root of the problem and your selflessness are nothing short of incredible. Your ability to try to change the subject and take my mind off negative/sad thoughts is not so great but I know you do not want me staying too long or going too often to the pity party. Besides, you know I am stubborn (read: obsessive) and things have to make sense to me. You understand that, you get that and I love you for sharing your relationship advice and insight with me. We are the romantics on the Panel…we still believe that the true Prince is out there, and fairy tales do come true. You snoop, stalk and investigate with me. You remind me of my beauty when I am in doubt, of my competency when I feel inadequate and when I feel like the wallflower, you are the one who reminds me I am the life of the party. You make me feel special and fabulous.

You were my friend long before I realized it…yeah, we shared lunches and admired shoes, outfits and purses together. Hell, we even Craigslisted on the Island together (well, I Craigslisted, you watched), but until you burst into tears the day I got let go…I never knew we had a substantial friendship. The way you stayed in contact after I was gone, your concern over my employment situation…how could I have overlooked the wonderful person you are? And even now, almost 8 years later, your concern and love is just as genuine and deeper than ever. Of course, I am now giving you cause for concern over things that are probably graying your beautiful hair, but you never judge or attempt to make my decisions for me. Your pride in my achievements/successes, no matter how small or trivial rivals my mother’s and your cheerful pick me ups even when things are going well are sweet. Just like you.

I have no idea what I did to deserve your friendship and the perks that go along with it (an ear to listen, a shoulder for my tears, dammit dolls) but I do not know what I would do if there were no Artsy Craftsy on the other end of the phone. I honestly don’t. I know I am not half the friend to you that you are to me, but I appreciate you sticking around, issues, vicious cycles and all. And please know when I count my blessings, you are among them. Love you more than you will ever know. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being my friend.

Weekend of Defeat

It has been a little over two weeks since I last heard from Prince Charming/Horny Toad and a little over a week since I have discovered about his double life. I am a mess but I am an organized mess. I am hurt, sad and disappointed. I am a little lost and a lot empty. I told him I enjoy a physical attraction/connection, but I wanted someone who could make me fall for them mentally and emotionally, not just based on sexual acts…he listened. I told him about how others had left me, about some of the painful things in my past…he listened. And he used all I shared and confided to hurt me, not help me or help me work through them. So I am not all wailing and crying over the whys and having no answers. I have my answer: he is a liar, cheater and a coward. The whys are irrelevant…not sure even he knows the reasoning behind his thought processes. I am a mess because I am angry I allowed yet another insincere loser/user into my heart and this time…my mind. I am angry I listened and believed. I am angry because I am tired of being the one who does all the loving…never the one being loved. I am tired of being the one left behind, unworthy of at least a “see ya” when I do everything right…as if I never existed. This is why I cry…because as much as I love Hope, she has failed me yet again.

I am at the fuck it stage…going to buy me some kittens, buy some yarn and a rocking chair. I cannot get a distraction…you know it’s bad when AFO and Craigslist ignore and/or reject you. So that is another thing I am tired of…closed doors and dead ends. Of course, that did not stop Hope. I let her run off the leash for a day and she went right back to the closed door that is PC/HT. Lord, she has approached in all kinds of manners and this time she sent the man recruiter information and the article proving that a real job could result if the man took action; she warned of him of the icy conditions during a morning commute; she told him to just stop playing…she was the one who was gainfully employed, the one who was a damn good friend to him 24/7, she was the one he could control (and she said that the man could control whatever he wanted…she would ask permission to speak in public if that is what he wanted); she was the fun one, the passionate and exciting lover. Hope sent sexy pictures to remind him of Babygirl. She was the one who cared for him and wanted him…and she missed, needed and wanted not only Prince Charming but Daddy. PLEASE come home. Hope Craigslisted all day, texted AFO, and sat in the dark with no television, music or lights. Hope was not ready for things to end (and in the exact same manner as the last two relationships did)…hell, how hard was it to TEXT?? Hope is tired of healing…if it isn’t a physical ailment, it is emotional damage. She is not ready for another process and starting over, yet again. Shit, Hope put on her “ho threads” (a dress that stops at her ass and shows all of her legs while concealing the tummy)with no bra, panties or hose and went downtown for lipstick and pasta. She only got hit on by two homeless men, which may have been the last straw. She gave in to Discouragement.

Discouragement is the one who sent the text stating that she gave up. PC/HT has been approached in love, anger and concern; he had been approached by a friend, a lover and a submissive. Perhaps he was not looking for what she thought they had and definitely it was all a wasted time and effort on her part. Maybe, if she were a single mom who had painted on eyebrows and a menial job, she may be more his speed. Low blow, but what the fuck is he going to say? Discouragement was the one who finally deleted the man’s contact information, which was an empty gesture as we have everything memorized. When Hope woke up this morning, she went through her usual torture routine and discovered PC/HT is now making comments on Mexican Girlfriend’s page, calling her “my darling”….it reminded her when she was called baby, Little One and told she was the only one. And that is when I made Hope recounted/recalled a conversation she had a couple of days ago with Reason (in the form of Feisty One) before she began thinking she could make the blind see and the deaf hear.

Reason sat Hope down and let her know that she is no longer the Patron Saint of Lost Causes. Yes, Reason understood the loneliness, the sense of loss and the emptiness…but Hope needs to realize she is missing the attention. Yes, she has every right to be hurt…she cared for and trusted a man who abused her trust in all kinds of ways, but did Hope realize that she was involved in an unhealthy relationship? The connection, the chemistry, the “thing” PC/HT and Hope felt the first time together?? THAT was unhealthiness. Reason asked Hope who texts/talks 18 hours out of a 24 hour day…every day? Married people don’t even do that…we knew when the other was eating (and what it was), we knew each other’s schedule, we knew when we used the bathroom. Us not seeing each other made no difference in knowing all of these details. The fact that the man supposedly has a schedule busier than the President’s and a very long distance relationship should let us know that he is not interested in a lot of face time or physical activity with either of us…and despite what Hope says, face time would eventually become an expectation…and the man has shown he is not good at meeting expectations, low or high. Hope needed to stop shouldering the responsibility of what happened, stop doubting herself and STOP giving this man her attention, time, efforts and emotions. She was too good and too right to this man to allow herself to be reduced to a doormat. She did not do anything wrong..this is all on PC/HT and she cannot control the man’s actions. She does not have to respect them but eventually, she will have to accept them. Yes, it is unexpected when things were going great and there was a promise of a tomorrow…but as proven by the man’s stony silence, sometimes tomorrow never comes. It is time to transition from hoping for a return to hoping for better results the next time around…don’t shut down, don’t close off…just be open to what comes next.

So, I wind up my weekend blogging this out, praying even harder for the strength to accept what has transpired and trying to forget the fact that everything else that threatened PC/HT and Hope had been overcome with happy endings. Trying to not wish the man stays broke, unhappy and alone save his children for the rest of his life and just focus on me. No more reaching out/texting, no more torturing myself with trying to stay abreast of potential breaking developments (aka Facebook stalking)….it isn’t as hard as it is being presented if Hope just switches gears. It’s time to let go of the memories and prepare myself to make new ones. Someday. With someone.

Huge thank yous to you readers and to Morning Person, Artsy Craftsy (your letter is next, I promise), New Mommy, Chef, Policeman, Buggy and Feisty One for being here for me to help me through. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Playing Two Ends Against the Middle

This is going to be a long blog post. I am going to reveal and face some truths that are somehow easier to face this time around…I guess they would be since this is my third time facing the exact same ending to a relationship that I thought held promise and a future. All I ask is that you grab snacks, don’t hate me and you can’t judge me…this blog is a judgment free zone.

But before I tell you guys about the worst day in a looooong time, I promised Artsy Craftsy I would tell you guys about the ending to the worst day in a looooong time. Some of you may know that my current job/assignment involves me working in the IT sector…I work the walk up window (wuw) and perform what I call IT intake. We usually get the same issues everyday…passwords, unlocking accounts, cracked screens…once we got a laptop that looked like it had been skateboarded over but the ones we hate to get are the folks who spill liquids on the company laptops. These people have usually let the liquid sit overnight and if it is a sugared beverage, that makes the problem slightly more critical. And these folks are always smiling and grinning like it is the funniest thing in the world…newsflash: it isn’t. It shows us you are irresponsible and really don’t give a damn and NO, we do not have a loaner machine for the irresponsible and uncaring. So today, a user brings us a laptop he had puked all over…the night before…AND he was smirking, as if he relished the thought of us dealing with his stinky, germy vomit. Of course no one wanted to work on the laptop but the Hard Working Tech said he would do it. He suited up in two pairs of gloves, armed himself with Clorox wipes and did a fantastic job…no more smell, the user got a new laptop and Feisty One insisted we wrap the vomity machine in bubble wrap and we put a bright green Mr. Yucky sticker on the laptop to let others know NOT to use this machine. Ever.

Well, I have procrastinated enough about telling you guys about how I am handling the PC/HT situation…and let me say right now, I told everyone via this blog I was scared to fall for him AND that he was too good to be true. YAY, I was right. I have been told I am handling this so well, I have grown so much and this is nowhere on the level of the Him fiasco, but I am a mess and a wreck. I have texted the man…I told him so many things. I expressed my anger and hurt; told I would not seek revenge, harm or hurt….karma would take care of that. I have told him he fucked over a good woman and a real friend for no good reason and one day he will miss me. I even went the reason/season/lifetime route and said maybe he was in my life for a reason: he DID make me happy (happier than all the others combined), he restored my confidence, he taught me to see the beauty in the flaws…and maybe his job was done. Oh, I have been talking to him (figured since he won’t talk to me, I will talk to him..and there has been no cursing) but today…today I woke up crying, rocks in my tummy and I KNEW it was going to be a bad day. Going about my day, I had the hitch in my throat that meant I was holding back even more tears and the sick feeling in my stomach just grew and grew…and I said fuck it. I texted PC/HT and told him I knew I was looking desperate, stalkerish and even needier than I am but I wanted, missed and needed my Daddy. I was a little girl lost and whatever happened has happened. The truth was out, let’s build from here. I did not care about the Mexican Girlfriend, I no longer cared why he left…just COME HOME and we could make this right. If I did anything wrong or mean or whatever to make him leave, PLEASE tell me what it was so I can fix it. I told him it was unfair to him me still reaching out but I am freshly wounded, he used the painful things about my past I told him not to help me but to hurt me and I was not ready for us to end. And of course, in true typical pasty faced bitch ass coward form…he said absolutely nothing. And then I felt stupid but I am not stupid…I know how this will go. He will NOT respond…be it out of guilt, finding yet another woman or just because I no longer exist to the man…he will not respond. I know I will get through this and on the other side, I will be happy again and find someone new. And I want the other side…but there are two protagonists and an instigator at play.

Acceptance: I love acceptance. I really do. We had our moments with the Him fiasco but I know now that acceptance is here to make things better, make the realities less harsh and make the inevitable easier to swallow. What I forgot was that acceptance itself is a process…there is healing to be done (this wound is very fresh…6 days old) and I am not helping the healing process by constantly running back to the source of the pain. Acceptance means letting go, especially if there is nothing there to hold onto. Acceptance represents that I acknowledge PC/HT’s rejection of me frees me to be accepted by another (taller, cuter and no kids)….but acceptance cannot do its job because of hope.

Hope: Hope is a protagonist in this story because she is as much a victim as me, maybe more so. Hope believed the situations and stories that were presented to her. Hope had empathy, sympathy and understanding. And unlike the Him fiasco, Hope had a reason to bloom here…PC/HT fed her constantly until she was fat and complacent. He was around constantly, fed her validation galore…she was pretty, exciting, fun and funny, passionate, intelligent. She was the only one…by choice. He did not want anyone but her…he nipped questions in the bud, slayed the dragons known as insecurity and jealousy and made promises she believed with every fiber of her being. And now faced with her fairy tale palace crumbling before her very eyes, Hope is clinging hard to all that she had been told and fed…no way was PC/HT gone. He was coming back. He CARED about her, he said he would never lie and never leave. Faced with certain truths, Hope chooses to avert her eyes and shed herself of dignity and self respect. He can KEEP the girlfriend…just keep her too. Hope is ignoring the shut and locked door that would allow entry to the crumbled palace…she is kicking, screaming, knocking and twisting doorknobs, begging to be let in. She was HAPPY….don’t take away her happiness. Hope is blocking Acceptance’s passage to the other side, and she does not care as Acceptance is a fucking liar. PC/HT will come back…we just have to wait.

Impatience: This sucker is an instigator playing both sides of the fence. On the one hand, he is playing Hope…telling her to keep knocking and don’t give up. Acceptance IS a liar…hell, we boarded this train before only to end up in the same fucking place…AGAIN. Impatience is telling Hope to take her sweet time and while she waits, indulge in some physical therapy known as sex with strange men. They won’t erase PC/HT from the memory banks but if he is out there with other women, she could be with other men. Cuter men, younger men who she could taunt him with should she choose. Except that road is washed out…no signs of life or interest. Hope is looking around, lost and lonely, until Impatience tells her THAT is her sign…she is meant to wait for PC/HT to return, and if she lets Acceptance pass, she will miss out on him…and you know this time, he will come with apologies, explanations and fidelity. But maybe she could let the man know she was waiting…reach out, he will respond. Except he doesn’t….and so she is tempted more and more to keep reaching out because he WAS coming back.

While Impatience has Hope looking like a psycho bitch, he wanders over to Acceptance and tells him to MOVE.THAT.TRAIN. People are ready to get to the other side to resume their lives…people want to be happy and free of obsessive thoughts, people are tired of Facebook stalking and coming up with even more ridiculous theories (like PC/HT has taken up with Caramel Cutie out of DC…based on the fact she liked his profile picture…no indication they are friends of any type and not to mention the man was in Utah with his girlfriend when he stopped talking), people are tired of staring at the man’s picture and still seeing how great looking he is, then ready to cry because once she could call him hers. The man is not returning outreach gestures for whatever reason, and it is time for bigger, better and to stop feeling the pain he inflicted. MOVE.THAT.TRAIN. So Acceptance tries to move ahead, but Hope is a gate blocking the path…and no one wants to kill Hope…if she can even be killed. And what all three of them forget is that no one is going anywhere (except maybe Impatience) until the process has come through to heal the hurts, smooth the rough edges and make sure the road ahead is clear to pass.

So this is where I am…waiting for the process to do what it does…again. I am trying to hold Hope at bay, and for the most part I am able to control her, but when she gets out, all hell breaks loose. I DO want Acceptance to pass through here and do it soon, but I have to heal and add yet another scar to my battle weary heart. I am listening to Daughter whose songs are melancholy but not depressing to help pass the time. I put PC/HT’s contact info back in my phone…might as well as I have it memorized. Just as he knocked Him out of the contacts list, the next man can knock PC/HT out. I have erased the texts, but kept the emails and his pictures…one day, I will erase them but not now. Maybe not ever..who knows? I think I am doing a better job ten days in with this than I was ten months in with Him and I just pray for strength, God’s will and no interference (gotta work on that one) several times a day. But I am still alive, have not killed anyone and no longer willing my phone to send me a text. Right now all I want to get through each day a little stronger than the day before.

If you made it all the way through, thank you!!! I know this is a lot for a Thursday and I appreciate you hanging in there. Come back soon for my love letter to Artsy Craftsy and always…thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

A Day with the Truth

I am writing this blog post while listening to Au Revoir Simone’s song titled “Only You Can Make Me Happy”. Given my latest dream crushing personal crisis, probably not the best choice of music right now. I have spent a day in the real world with the truth, and it is hard…not as hard as it was with Tyke or Him (two thumbs up to them for acclimating me to this bullshit), but hard nonetheless. I know I probably look like/sound like a candidate for a cult for real given our limited real world time together (Morning Person swears it is a blessing), but the man was so much a part of my life…from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep…there were arguments, laughter, sharing our days as it happened….he brought out an emotional maturity I did not even know existed, he made me more…ladylike. I did not curse as much, I kept my temper and held my tongue when in stressful situations….it was a relationship, weird as hell, but a relationship nonetheless.

I found being out in the real world knowing the truth about your Prince Charming is so much different than being at home with the truth. At home, you can indulge in pity parties and depression…no showering, no cooking/eating, no brushing of teeth or hair. You can eat chocolate and ice cream with abandon and the obsessive thoughts, theories and what ifs can roam freely throughout your brain. You can grieve and cry and basically go batshit crazy freely. But in the real world dealing with broken dreams and an aching heart is kinda difficult…you have to get out of bed because you have a job to go to. There are morning rituals to be performed, aspirin to take to clear your head of the headache that comes from crying, overthinking and not eating, outfits to choose, masks to wear and attitudes that need adjusting…and somehow in doing all of this, you notice the laundry needs to be done, trash needs to be taken out, and you are freaking starving. There are people to meet, a commute to make and at work…well, there is work and co-workers who wish to engage you in conversation that strangely enough, does NOT revolve around your crisis and unanswered questions.

The worst part of today was not spending the time texting and talking with the one person who had been there for the past 5 months. I did hear from him Sunday night…he texted to remind me that a groupon I gave him was unused and expired soon…in case I wanted to use it. I was still pretty pissed and used the opportunity to not ignore him, to not tell him what was in my heart, but to further taunt and curse him. Not nice, given he just wanted to make sure I at least had a meal (I say that because no more words from the man). But today, with my freshly colored hair (no one noticed) and cute outfit…I was lonely and wanted Prince Charming back. SOOOOO badly. I wanted him to tell me jokes that make me laugh, I wanted to tell him about the user at the window who would.not.leave., I wanted to know what he ate for lunch and to tell him how much I missed him and us. Loneliness leads to wrong thoughts…I told myself that the truth was out now…we could build from this point…neither of us have answers or questions for the past two weeks, we could try again. I just needed him to be prepared to follow through should he suggest meetings, to tell me when things got super serious (as in engagement/marriage) and no more up and leaving…I deserved a goodbye.

But Artsy Craftsy was there…with her help, I remembered that this was a man who basically made all I shared with him a lie…because it was built on a lie. He was lying to and cheating (at least emotionally) on two women, and after all I did for him…encouragement, support, the groupons, the gifts, the job searches I helped him with, being available 24/7 and allowing him to control aspects of my life no one but God, nature and myself should be controlling…the man basically up and left in the middle of a conversation without a backwards glance. Seriously, I asked him to just let me know he was okay and alive…and I got nada. Perhaps the reasons for the cutoff in communication did not start out intentionally, but at some point, his silence became deliberate and a choice. At some point, he decided that even though things were good in our camp, despite his promises and knowledge of my past…he chose to be a coward and leave me hanging and hurt. And that is not on me, does not take away from me…I just opened my heart to the wrong person…and if a lame loser can inspire such a positive change, imagine what a winner will bring. She swears he will be tall, cuter than PC/HT and won’t have children.

Definitely, it was a pick me up but I still have heaviness in my heart, theories and visions of other women with him in my head but I am praying and trying very hard to let acceptance do what it does. I am trying to let go and move on, but the memories of PC are so sweet and probably the best memories I have of any man in my recent past…I’m not ready to leave yet. But that is all they are…memories that were built on a lie, so of course, now they are tainted. I need to see the taint as well as the beauty…that is the only way that acceptance gets to do its job. I have to trust in my Higher Power that His plan is greater than my dreams, and isn’t it ironic PC left out the doorway of my life just when I wanted him to stay? But, Others know best, I won’t die (trust me, if the Him situation did not kill me or others, PC/HT won’t) and sooner than I think, I will find my happiness again. I hope.

Okay, just wanted to get this off my chest…going to find food, run some faucets so my pipes won’t freeze and get ready for a new day. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day (and stay warm)!!

Another Again

Before I begin this blog post, I have to thank so many people for being there with me when I went batshit crazy Saturday. Trust me, if you were not there, it was a sight and I was a hot mess. I was up 28 hours straight with no sleep and no desire for sleep, demanding people give me their vehicles, wanting to go the hardware store to get a sledgehammer to smash windshields; the gas station to get a can of gasoline and my favorite was thinking I could go out to Virginia to get a firearm…not to shoot Horny Toad but I thought of putting him a bed with Married Man, Him and AFO and make them all suck each other off. I would sit in a chair in a sexy outfit, smoking a cigarette with the gun trained on them. My motto? “Blow him before I blow you…away. Choose wisely.” I read the casual encounter section of Craigslist like it was the Sunday paper as I was convinced a hard pounding by a stranger was the solution to all my problems. I was deranged entertainment on two feet.

So before I say anything else, let me personally thank UTA, Morning Person, Weekend Phone Friend, Chef, Honeybee, Buggy, Downstairs Neighbor, Artsy Craftsy (she got me a Dammit Doll!), Baby Mama and New Mommy. And also to my Facebook/real world friends who chimed in with their opinion in whether to involve the Mexican Girlfriend: One Week Co-Worker and The Girl from Washington State. I have decided against involving her for a lot of reasons: she has no idea who the hell I am and I do not need to be labeled the Crazy Whore again (she WILL believe HT over me, guaranteed), it is a long distance relationship (does this man do EVERYTHING online?) so no worries about him getting caught literally in the act (unless he really is that stupid to have physical relations with another while visiting her) and the consensus is she caught him/found him out, so maybe he will do the right thing by her. You guys kept me somewhat sane and completely under control and for Honeybee, Buggy and Downstairs Neighbor to come up/over to make sure I was not completely falling apart was wonderful. The texts and phone calls from the Panel members was a life saver and while I cannot believe I am going through this AGAIN (it was so much fun the first time, right?) and so soon (2 guys in less than three years lying and leaving with no apology, goodbye or explanation)…I am glad I have you all here with me to help make it through.

So between passing out Horny Toad’s Christmas gifts, phone calls, texting and a mutually beneficial encounter, I did a lot of talking, a lot of thinking and wrote a letter to HT…I am going to post it here versus sending it to the man. I still may send it, but for right now I just want to purge myself of the man and not willing to risk potential further contact. See, I do hate him right now for being a liar and a cheater and just a reincarnation of all the stupid men who came before…but I want him back. I MISS him and the attention and the laughs and the chemistry/connection. I want him HERE, apologizing and asking for forgiveness and whispering sweet nothings to appease me for a minute….I want to postpone the hurt and harsh realities. I want to hit the reset button. I want to hear the man tell me I am pretty, sexy, fun and funny again. Of course, none of this will happen and it is what it is but I no longer want to feel doubtful and that is what his actions have done. HT has caused to me to doubt myself again: to doubt my beauty, my judgment, my self confidence and self esteem are taking a nose dive and I cannot blame them. Seriously, 4 guys…one stayed married (no surprise), one cannot remember my name but recalls in vivid detail the night I shoved a dildo up his ass after making him suck it, one up and left without a backward glance to marry a big tittied hooker/gold digger with three kids and now…Horny Toad. And where I meet them makes no difference…real world, online, via a sex ad…I attract a special kind of crazy that transcends all mediums. I do not want to doubt or wonder or tear myself down again but let’s be honest…the common denominator between these four very different men is me.

I am going to try to go back to sleep (5 hours is not cutting it right now)…maybe with some real rest and more prayer, I can calm down and put the questions and theories to bed…at least not crowd my brain like a NYC subway car at the height of rush hour. For now, I will leave you with the letter, and again…any and all feedback is encouraged and needed. Again, thank you all for your love, support and positive thoughts and I will be back soon with something….let’s all be surprised, shall we ?

You probably won’t read this what with your laryngitis of the hands probably gestating into paralysis of the eyeballs when it comes to me lately and that’s okay. It is more about closure for me and making sure I did all could to keep things as civil as possible….I think that we have had enough of a decent and positive connection with whatever it is (not sure what to label/categorize it) we had to let it end (at least on my end) on such an ugly note.

I sincerely apologize for calling you names and four letter words…all I will say is hurt people, hurt people. I am not angry that you have a girlfriend (and apparently, a serious one at that…meeting the parents, kids and siblings is a big deal)…I am angry and hurt that you felt the need to lie to me from the very beginning. See, I loathe stupidity but I HATEHATEHATE (I know it is a strong word) lies and liars. With my trust issues for me to let the guards down is hard as hell, and now I feel a man I thought was so special, different, wonderful and amazing is nothing more than one of my past asswipe exes reincarnated. I feel that whatever we had was a lie, you never liked me or cared for/about me and whatever I felt for you now makes me feel stupid and foolish, not happy and fortunate. I just remember you saying you would never lie, never keep secrets and you would never leave…and you did all three.

Maybe I was so ready for something real, and normal and with someone who could reciprocate my efforts and feelings I overlooked and forgave a lot of things. I probably got attached too quickly because I thought/felt that we had so much in common and under the skin we were similar people…lonely, hurt and just wanting to find a safe harbor to reveal ourselves without judgment, where we could be open, sexual and explore so many things together. And here is the kicker: you could have told me at our initial meeting that you were in a long distance relationship but wanted to explore/have something with me…I probably still would have gone for it with you. All I want is to make my choices with all the facts on the table. There is nothing worse than being hurt and feeling used.

Sad thing, even though you did me wrong, all I can wonder is what I did to make you unhappy. You always said that when I no longer made you happy, you would stop talking to me…and since you stopped talking, I can only presume that I no longer made you happy. I guess that is my submissiveness kicking in…desiring to please another even though they do not wish to please me. That, or my self confidence and self esteem are at levels below zero once again.

All I know is you chose to lie and then leave without an apology, explanation or goodbye and only you know why you did so. Just know, all I wanted was to be a good friend and better woman to you. I thought that we could have something special and do wonderful things for each other, but now I return to the life I had before you which will be little less happy without you in it.

Best of luck and much success in all endeavors to you, the kids and Mexican Girlfriend.