2014: The Year of Action

Hello, dear Readers and welcome to the last day of 2013. It has been a quick year….seems like last week, I was declaring 2013 to be the Year of Change (while all angry and frustrated) and next thing you know, I am hosting my Christmas dinner party which I once again swear I will never do… again. And now, 2014 is hours away…

When I look back on 2013, it was a pretty good year for me….hell, it was probably the best year I have had in a long time. I did cut out the stupidity (at least cut down on it), I landed an assignment that is turning out to be longer term than I thought and I love it (while learning new skills), I met an amazing man who brought happiness and change for the better into my life and I experienced emotional growth and maturity, which I plan to continue in 2014. I am declaring 2014 to be the Year of Action, which will be easier said than done.

This will be the year I actually attend the classes and concerts I buy tickets and groupons for and end up wasting my money. This will be the year I go to the museums, become a tourist both here in DC and in other cities, solo or not. Rental cars for weekend trips…so gonna happen this year. A real vacation…I want one and there is no reason for me not to take one. I can save money, make plans and get up and go. Probably won’t lose weight or quit smoking but I can maintain what I have and cut down on what I don’t need. Professionally, I plan to be proactive and keep putting my resume out there. I do love my assignment but with the new Sheriff, best to be prepared. Online classes are also part of the plan for 2014…the more skills, the better.

My circle will be smaller in 2014….not everyone will be along for the next leg of my journey and I am okay with that. I am not going to make out lists and decide who gets left behind and who goes forward…actions (or lack of) will decide for me. If your absence brings more solace and peace than your presence does…another decision I do not have to make. Stupidity will be stopped in its tracks, but good drama will be welcome at times. I am going to speak up when things anger, frustrate or rub me the wrong way….little things become big things when left unchecked. I plan to utilize my spiritual side more (which will more than likely make my circle even smaller) and attend church. Not sure if it will be on a regular basis but enough to keep my soul and faith fed and sustainable. I need action in all areas of my life…action encourages growth, and this coming year will be one of both.

Not sure if Prince Charming will make it into 2014 with me….yes, I still think he is amazing, and he is good for me (when he acts right): he keeps me grounded, he calms me down, and he has brought about a maturity and growth I and none of my Panel thought possible. Because of PC, I ask instead of accuse; I can state my fears and frustrations without using four letter words or threats of bodily harm; I can explain myself and my actions; with PC, I learned to trust again. I found out I can be happy with another and that they could be happy with me. He never saw my flaws, only my beauty. But Prince Charming is damaged goods and while he did let down his guard with me somewhat, his issues and baggage tend to put up walls, create excuses and cause him to not do things that (I believe) he really wants to (resulting in disappointments on both ends)…and right now, I have not heard from the man in a week. I have reached out in love, concern and anger and not one word in return. I have no idea what is going on, where he is and I can only go with the man must have run out things to say.

I am neither heartbroken nor devastated….more like shock and withdrawal (his attention was a drug and I was hooked) but I am okay with the present situation because I pray on it and leave it in my Higher Power’s care. I knew Prince Charming was a game changer and when the talks became more frequent, more personal, and none of what I was used to….it was clear I had no idea what to do. So I finally took Morning Person’s advice…I prayed on it. What I pray for most is strength to accept whatever happens and to not interfere….so far, I have done pretty well, and while I miss my PC terribly, it was time for something to happen. The man has to step up or step back…he can no longer lounge in the doorway of my life, blocking me in and keeping potential others out. IF PC makes it into 2014 with me, he will need to catch up, keep up or drop out of the race.

So these are my goals for 2014: to do more in all areas of my life (physically, mentally, spiritually) and become a more mature, responsible person whose social circle will encourage and empower her, whose professional life will challenge her and allow her a viable work/life balance and whose choices in her personal life will continue the positive growth and will bring a man who will love me as I will love him. Thank goodness I have 365 days make this happen. If you readers have any goals/resolutions you would like to share, feel free to comment or inbox me….I would love to know what others are looking to change in the coming year.

Wishing everyone reading a safe, fun, wonderful, prosperous and joyous New Year 2014!!!

Christmastime Crazy

There is a song that proclaims Christmas to be the most wonderful time of the year. Obviously, the songwriters do not live my life or know the folks I do. In my world, the period between Black Friday and New Year’s Eve is comprised of craziness untold, mishaps, miscommunications and lots and lots of aspirin because everyone and everything makes my head hurt.

The past two weeks is proof positive that I am a victim of Christmastime crazy…maybe victim isn’t’t the right word but definitely my sanity is under assault. It has taken me awhile to write this post because I wanted to see how certain things would play out (certain things=Prince Charming) and I wanted to make sure that I did not come across as bitchy, whiny or anything else that smacked of pity party or poor victim. So without further ado, below is the list of things assaulting my sanity and have me wishing for that bleak stretch of winter when people hibernate and hide from the world. Fair warning, this is a pretty long posting. Grab snacks.

The Job: So far, I am still in love with them and the majority of them are still in love with me. I am still extended through March 2014 and hopefully beyond that, but there is a new sheriff in town and he is throwing a wrench into everything. Some members of the team know the man from a time before I was there, but to many of us, he is new and bringing change. Change affects people and while that is not necessarily a bad thing, when one has an agenda of change and keeps it close to the vest…scary. He walks around not speaking but watching…he sees what is on our computer screens, he notices who comes and goes and for how long, he rifles through papers and mail and assets on our desks and now has the team (sans me) accounting for their time. He runs new reports, reviews older ones 2, 3 and 4 times and goes behind people’s backs to find out information…and it is turning the team against each other. There is backbiting, blame placing and finger pointing as pretty much everyone jockeys to suck The Sheriff’s dick, kiss his ass and show why they are invaluable and indispensable. There are a few of us who refuse to do so…I have dubbed us The Resistance. We are not sure what changes The Sheriff will bring about but we all feel that our time is better spent doing our jobs and putting out resumes than standing in line to swallow someone else’s spit.

Health: Knock on wood, my abdominal pain has not made an appearance but now I have what I like to call a growth in my throat. My thyroid is swollen and more than likely, it is a goiter. Also more than likely, it requires medical attention but I have no insurance since Obamacare (excuse me, the Affordable Care Act) has caused my employer to terminate my benefits. Actually, I have no idea what caused them to cut the insurance, but since it happened soon after the announcement/unveiling of the ACA, I am going with that. I am taking kelp as thyroid issues arise from a lack of iodine and kelp is a natural source of iodine and it is working. The thyroid is not as swollen or noticeable and I can actually see my neck again! Now, if I could do something about my skinny legs….

Miscellaneous Crap: My cell phone blew up in my hand. Okay, that is a lie…it did, however, overheat horribly while I was texting with Prince Charming, made a bug zapper noise and died. Would not cut on or power up or charge up…professional analysis is the motherboard fried itself out. I keep getting asked WHAT was in that text, but I blame it on our day into night long conversations for 4 months straight and perhaps my overcharging of the phone. Well, that had to be replaced IMMEDIATELY but it was still 4 days before I got a new one and I was both pissed (insurance said I had to pay a $75 deductible and $50 for a refurbished phone…why am I paying insurance? For $60 more, I could have a new phone which is what I did) and going through withdrawal…yes, I could phone and email PC (and did) but not being able to have instant access to him and his attention drove me crazy. Oh, and the new phone overheated and cut off after 3 days of use and in the middle of yet another text to PC (I swear, it is a sign)and my team advised me to budget for a new phone once a month, but it is all good now.

My vacuum cleaner broke into pieces while I was using it…that had to be replaced IMMEDIATELY. My space heater (my only source of heat…long story and potential blog post about my love/hate relationship with my landlord) sparked and tried to catch fire…after sucking ALL the power from my apartment….no lights, no cable. Seriously, I thought Comcast and PEPCO got together to give me a one-two punch. The heater had to be replaced IMMEDIATELY, along with the purchase of a power surge protector. And speaking of my landlord, he somehow has some bug up his ass about wanting all three months rent (I owe him from October-December, but I am not a delinquent tenant…he chooses to show up every 2-3 months and when he asks when he can pick up the rent, I give him a day and it’s all cool) IMMEDIATELY and says rent is due on the 7th of each month. I pointed out he was the one who was a no show and had been for over 18 months. Don’t get mad at me for going along with the program. Big talk from a girl who does not even have $100 if you put all her bank accounts together…but I have a Plan B. So yeah, a pretty trying and costly time in the life of DC (me, not the city)

Prince Charming: I have no idea where to start with this man….I would say I am in love with him but that sounds stupid to me, like I am a candidate for a cult or something. Who falls in love with someone they have severely limited physical contact with? No shit, it has been 8 weeks since we last laid eyes on each other in the real world. All the talk about baseball season being over has been replaced with talks of the kids needing lessons 2-3 nights a week, tutoring, etc. It pisses me off, but still I hang in there. In addition to not smoking, not drugging, not drinking and not cursing…the man goes to church. On a regular basis. The other fools I have been with did not even know how to spell church. But the biggest reason I stay is that Prince Charming has been opening up more and more about the divorce, the ex and the home situation along with confessions about his lack of dating/social skills and his “relationships” before trying whatever this is with me. When I look at this along with earlier talks/confessions. I (along with the Panel) decided to give him a pass and a lot of empathy and understanding. I finally broke down and accepted Morning Person’s belief that the man only wanted and is only capable of an online relationship.

Except once again, he was moody, not talkative and had stopped complimenting me and my outfits! What the hell?? Then his assignment ended and while he knew it was coming, I think he was hoping to bank one more full paycheck before that happened. And once I again, I had understanding…not knowing when the next paycheck is coming through the door is a bitch, and to have two teenagers (well, a preteen and a teenager), a mortgage, car insurance, and a dog to worry about also? But I needed to know where we were and we had a another of our long phone calls. I had said a long time ago, I would never again ask him to come see me…the man kept an excuse, but now that he was unemployed…we COULD see each other. AND I had bought Christmas gifts for him and the children…nothing major: the girl got Hello Kitty socks (that may or may not fit), two colorful outdoor scarves and as a backup gift…a trio of colorful beaded bracelets; the boy got novelty socks (I thought I had performed a major potential girlfriend fail as online one of the socks had beer mugs on them…who gives a 15 year old beer mug socks?? But I got 4 pairs of socks with skulls on them) and an outdoor scarf; Prince Charming got NFL sneaker slippers (Oakland Raiders, his favorite team), gloves that he could use with his Smartphone and some dress socks. So, PC says there is no one else…he is not seeing, dating or screwing anyone else…it stays in his pants. I am the one who has his attention, who he wants to be with. I ask him should financials go back on the table although he has shown me that my pussy is not a priority for him free or paid for. He went ballistic for him…sex was not everything and he was doing the best he could with what he had. And he missed me also, he WANTED to see me.

And that is when he offered to not only come over to get the gifts and spend time with me, but wanted to take me out to lunch. Have a real date (his first since the separation and divorce) and do things that couples do. I told him I could cook, but he was insistent on taking me out. Readers, I was all OMG and happier than the mega millions winner….I was going to spend an entire day with Prince Charming. I had it all planned out…my outfit, taking pictures to show folks this is not all in my head, wonderful sex where he returned favors and I had orgasms…I was sooo excited. Except he bailed on Wednesday….said he had to take his son to get his learners permit and Tuesday he forgot the birth certificate. We could meet for a couple of hours Wednesday or wait until Thursday when the full day date would be back in effect. I chose Thursday….and at 4pm Wednesday, he texts to say the paperwork from the school was messed up and he had to spend Thursday at the school and the MVA. Then said he was in a bad mood and was going for a run to clear his head…and I am all hurt and devastated and frustrated and ready to scream.

I ended up just keeping my day off and he texted to tell me the boy had his learners and all I could say was: of COURSE he does!! Because now you no longer need to make up a fucking excuse. I accused him of being still hung up on his ex, of being a coward who hid behind excuses and I could no longer want or wait around for a man who obviously does not want to see me. I was FINE with online…stop offering to do shit you have no intention of doing. Then he says (as if I never said anything)…hold onto the gifts and when we do lunch or dinner when he returns (he is going cross country to spend Christmas with his parents), he will get them. I told him to just SHUT.UP about seeing me because we both knew it was not going to happen. I would ship the fucking gifts, just give me the address. This fool sends me the address and says: I still want to get them. I still want to see you. That line is important because I took off Friday also…I had little sleep Thursday night and was not feeling well; PC was at his place with a day free and clear…and he never offered to come pick them up then. When I pointed that out to him, he shut up. But I was filled with anger and other negativity.. I was not done. I picked arguments…demanding to know what the hell is wrong with men they do not/cannot recognize and appreciate a good woman…he said sometimes timing is off, or maybe the man isn’t looking or maybe he is scared. I asked him which one was he? He shut up. I shed a few tears but not a lot…mainly, I bitched and vented to everyone I knew.

The next day, he bombarded me with apologies and begging fresh starts and second chances. He wants to show me he is serious, sincere and not a flake. He knows he hurt me, disappointed me and disrespected me…but he was not lying. What happened was the truth. I countered with from now on, no asking, no offering and it all stays online. That way, hope does not live and expectations are shelved. Completely. He said he would find the time for me/us…I told him he was a liar and he knew it. HOW are you going to find time when you do not have time when you are unemployed and the kids are in school?? The more free time he has, the more time it is NOT to see me…and he honestly thinks he will have time when he gets the next assignment and the kids have whatever the hell it is they have resuming in January? As Feisty One says…shit in your hat on that.

But he is persistent…telling me where he is all day long, sending me pics and texts from Utah, and saying all he wants is another chance. And I believe he is sincere and did not hurt me deliberately, but at the end of the day, hurt and disappointment are hurt and disappointment. It is leading to mistrust and crazy thoughts in my head that so far, Chef and Policeman refuse to help me entertain. But, I care for him a lot and I do believe we could have something special and great once he gets over his fear and takes that first step, just not sure when he will be ready to take it and if he will even want to take it with me. I don’t know and I have been praying for God’s will in the matter. My heart is too soft and wins too many arguments with my head and common sense for me to feel secure in making the right decision. We will see what transpires over the holiday break and what he does (not says) upon his return.

I know I said this post would be long, but this is longer than even I expected. Thank you for hanging in there and reading all the way through! Wishing all who read this a very, very Merry Christmas and hope you come back soon for more love letters, updates and posts. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

Renaissance Woman

Hello, dear readers!! I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Mine ranked amongst one of the better Thanksgivings…I was surrounded by parents and all my siblings, there was no name calling or physical violence and we laughed, reminisced and had fun. Our menu was a bit off kilter (not ONE sweet potato in sight…not even pie! Sacrilege!) but yummy and prepared with love. Travel was a bear and getting used to a different routine was a little hard but I had my Prince Charming to talk to all day, everyday (he cooked his first Thanksgiving meal, pulled a calf muscle and we saw Catching Fire the same day)…we’re strange, I know… but it works for us. For now.

Today’s blog post is another love letter, this time to Artistic One. She was onboard in the early days of the blog, when I had the hurt and pain and honestly she has never been away. She relocated to begin a new chapter of her life but she kept up the phone calls, the facebook messaging and has let me know that she is still around and more importantly, still my friend. So this letter is for her, and check back soon for job/PC updates and more love letters. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

My Dear Artistic One:

Finally, I am keeping my promise…not that you doubted me. I know that. But I have no idea what to say to you, and that is not meant in a mean or bad way. It is just that with other members, I know when and where we met and can pinpoint when we became friends. With you, I know we met when I temped with the Judges but when we became friends? It is like you were always there. There was Bell Pepper and Sister Someone (they both took some time to enter the inner circle) but with you…it was like love at first sight for friendship.

I remember being so hurt, so vulnerable and full of pain and you just walking past, hugging me. Telling me so many positive, wonderful things about myself and smoking outside on those incredibly small benches in silence because neither of us knew how to stop the pain or the questions I kept asking over and over. Let me correct that…YOU knew how to stop the pain and the questions, I was too closed minded to listen. This is what I both admire and envy about you: your ability to just let go, regardless of how deeply invested your emotions are in a person. You do not retaliate, cry rivers or fight to hold on. Your acceptance in matters in the heart is a gift I wish I had. You told me to let go, stop letting Him steal my smile and to go the way the wind was blowing. You reminded me (constantly, and still do) that my beauty, my worth, my validation does not belong in the hands of anyone but me. Now, three years later, I am listening to you.

I titled the post Renaissance Woman because that is what you are: it is defined as a woman who has broad intellectual interests and is accomplished in areas of both the arts and the sciences. Your photography is amazing…like Pulitzer award winning beautiful. If you did not have the passion you do for your current occupation, I can easily see you on assignment for Life or National Geographic. Your poetry is where you release your hurt, anger, pain and frustration. Your words, your expressions are so vivid, so heartfelt, so filled with pieces of you, it is almost as if you dipped your pen in blood instead of ink. Your loyalty and compassion are boundless, and your sense of adventure has taken to new places, meeting people you never thought you would and you are now officially a homeowner!! YAY, you!!

You have been blessed with beauty, intelligence and an inner peace that shines through you. You had the courage and fortitude to change what you did not like about yourself and the adaptability to adjust to new and strange environments and to stand your ground when you were right, both personally and professionally. Artistic One, you are an amazing woman and I am flattered to be your friend.