Wonderland

This blog post has been sitting in my head for quite awhile…at least two weeks. But I wanted to make sure I knew which direction things were going to go with Prince Charming and I and that I was both accepting of and okay with that. Then I debated over how to put all the emotions and nuances into an update and finally decided to kill two birds with one stone. I am going to write PC a love letter (even though only Panel members are to get love letters) …that way I stay on track with the letters (Artistic One, yours is next, I promise!) and update you readers on what has been going on. I hope you enjoy and come back soon for more letters and updates. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day! And wishing everyone a safe, wonderful and Happy Thanksgiving!

My Dearest Prince Charming:

To call this a love letter is both premature and appropriate…while I am not completely in love with you yet (trust me, I am only inches from the cliff’s edge and yes, I said the word yet), I am in love with the positivity and changes you have brought into my life in such a short period of time. From the very beginning you stood out as someone different, someone who could be a game-changer. You were the one from the beginning who checked off most of the boxes on my wish list without me having to overlook anything or settle for. With you, I accept (reluctantly) everything. Hell, you are the first single dad I have had to deal with (Him’s kids were grown and gone and Married Man had his wife watching his 7 kids with 4 baby mamas while he spent time with me) and I am more than okay with that.

You are the first man in many more ways other than being a single dad: you are the first man to tell me I make him happy, to say he liked me (and in more than a physical way) , he cared about me, the first guy who I trust completely, who makes me happy (a pure happiness, not one tinged with doubt and questions) , the first guy to be truthful with me about everything, to want me to be comfortable with myself, who wants me to see the beauty in me. You do not smoke but understand and tolerate my habit, you never curse me or around me which makes me want to watch my language more. You see me as a lady. You want for me to be better than I am now….you want for me things I never thought I would want for myself. You make me a better person.

With you, I am much more mature emotionally (seriously!)…. I am no longer screaming, hollering, spewing venom and beating folks over the head with cast iron skillets to express myself or get my point across. With you, I am acknowledged, able to express myself calmly (somewhat) and be understood, you offer explanations to help me understand you and will fix/change what you can. You actually douse the fires, not pour gasoline on them. But the biggest thing is no matter how crazy I get, no matter how frustrating I must be at times…you have never left. You said you wouldn’t and you haven’t. With you, I feel safe, protected and not alone.

Yes, I have cried over you but even that is a positive…it is the first time I have ever cried over the truth, and not an after the fact truth. You answered a premature question truthfully and I misconstrued things. I know I have been hasty and said unnecessary things, but you never call me out on it and do your best to defuse potential situations that my issues and committee come up with. I know I am still pretty guarded but then again so are you. Slowly we are revealing ourselves to each other and while the cement holding my brick walls is pretty dry, yours isn’t and I understand. Even about face time…when you are ready, you will be ready. Until then, we both agreed going slowly is the best option and I am still willing to see where we can take this…I just hope you actually want to take this somewhere. Time will tell. I have given the wrong men years…I can give you a little more time because for the first time, I think I know what the right guy feels like.

I do not feel I am giving up my life or putting myself on hold for you. I am not giving up some great social life for you….in fact, I was kinda hoping you would give me one but with you, I can embrace my homebodyishness (so not a real word) without fear or embarrassment. I am not turning down tons of suitors, and while you were instrumental in the ads coming down and you say it would not bother you if they stayed up, I do not want to be with anyone else. I like YOU, I want to be with YOU, regardless of the infrequency. Of course, I wish some aspects of this whatever it is we have were different, I am learning the difference between building something versus falling into something.

You are my Prince Charming: amazing, wonderful, super duper cute and holding the potential to help me slay dragons and make dreams come true. And with the hope you bring, you have transformed my life into a Wonderland.

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Thicker than Water

My kingdom is falling apart…well, that may be a bit extreme but definitely construction is halted. Prince Charming had stopped speaking, I have suggested taking a break so we can at least salvage the friendship, there have been tears and sleepless nights, and the Panel members helping me navigate my first real relationship are all baffled and a little pissed. It is a freaking mess over here and I have been drowning my hurt and disappointment in spaghetti and Symphony bars. With almond and toffee. I need a distraction, and what better way to wallow past sadness and confusion than to celebrate the people and things that make you happy? So I am back writing love letters and starting with Cuz. Hope you enjoy the letter and check back soon for more letters and updates. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

My Dearest Cuz:

WOW! I will start by saying if I were stranded on a desert island, you would be the member of choice to be my companion. You are funny, intelligent, insightful and crazy as hell. We share the Puzzle Factory, the Whorephanage, online ads, a love of music, deep, dark secrets and let us not forget the Adventures of BDD and Bottom Bitch. You are my sanity in my world of drama and WTF. You are the one who lets me make mistakes…all that matters to you is that I am happy and when the happiness wears off, you are there with tissues and curse words to make the tears disappear. And to think it started online with a simple thank you.

I love you for many reasons and in a lot of ways…you are always there when my personal life goes all to shit, and you usually have the reason why. When the insanity reaches the incredible level, you are there to tell me what the issues are and when it is best to leave well enough alone. You have a knowledge that is incredible, and can break even calculus down to a 3 x 5 flashcard. I am in awe of your many talents, your nuggets of wisdom and no matter how low I am feeling, how worthless and fat and ugly I feel….you are the one to show me (not remind me…show me) that I am the baddest chick walking. You are the one who stops the pity party, the negative talk, the stinkin thinking. Dead in its tracks, straight no chaser. You are the one with a belief in my talents that rivals God Himself, the one who calls me up so we can watch TV together, over the phone and the ONLY one who shows up unannounced because we are family…of the heart.

Your goals and visions for your future are inspiring and even when it seems/feels like you are standing still, progress is always being made where you are concerned. I know you feel a little lost and a lot lonely since you lost One Great Love and have had as much luck as I have had with the dating scene…and I am going to tell you something that you always tell me: you are too much man for the women you come across. Sit still…right now you are being prepared as your Next Big Thing is being prepared. Stop moving, darting and pursuing…stop lowering what you want, need and deserve just to have someone in your bed. You are meant to have a woman in your life, your house, your heart…not just your bed. You deserve a woman who will not love you, but be in love with you…and you can be in love with her. All of her, not parts and pieces. A woman you can both teach and learn from and have conversations about anything, anytime, anywhere. She is on her way, but she will never find you unless you sit still.

And we both know it is not all lovey dovey and Brady Bunch with us….we have had Conversations that Never Happened, we call each other on our bullshit and have gone days without speaking…but it is out of love (and stubbornness). We do not drive each other up walls…we drive each other through them, but we are always there to pull each other out and dust each other off. Because that is what real friends, real family does. Right or wrong, through thick and thin…you are my blood, my friend, my Cuz. And I love you more than you can imagine.

Ill Fitting Glass Slipper

I have not posted anything in awhile…I have been trying to sort things out and this is not even the blog post that is supposed to be here. Earlier in the year, I said I would write love letters to all the members of my Panel and I think I have written maybe 3. So I said I would write the letters before 2013 comes to an end (in about 8 weeks, give or take) but Prince Charming and I have been going back and forth and I am fucking things up. Well, he is helping but mostly, it’s me and I need to confess, lay it all out there and hopefully gain insight and advice to get it right for once. As Flo, the Progressive Girl says: “these are troubling times in the kingdom.”

First, let me say we PC and I have seen each other, face to face since last I wrote and that had the potential to be a disaster and a half. I did not believe he was actually going to show…after being a Chatty Cathy the day before, he was silent as a church mouse the day of…getting him to give more than one word answers was more difficult than getting blood from a turnip. And I had not forgotten his bailing the week before but because I had forgiven him that, I could not throw it up in his face. I took the day off to cook dinner, clean, do laundry and just be ready for him; instead, I farted around, smoked cigarettes and had two hissy fits because he wanted me naked in heels and jewelry when he arrived. NO ONE sees me naked until I know that they are a big girl lover or they really like me…trust me, clothes cover a multitude of sins. Then there is the fact that I rarely wear heels…that is all I need to be naked and wobbling. I wanted to say he has done nothing to earn the perks of seeing me look like a $1000/night call girl, but I like him and care for him…he could get anything he wanted from me.

I told him I did not want him seeing me naked….he said I was making a big deal. I told him I would see him at 5:45…and he shows up at 5:30 just when I was getting in the shower..so he saw me naked and with my hair all over my head. And he did not care…he said he did not care about my hair, dirty dishes, dust bunnies or anything else I could come up with to fuss at him about. He sat in the bathroom with me while I showered, fussing because he said I had ALL DAY to get ready so I thought he was angry but when I got out of the shower soaking wet, he pulled me close to him, told me I was beautiful and kissed me. I told him I was falling for him and while he looked happy as hell and kissed me deeper, his only response was “you never know what the future holds”. We talked, had kinky as hell sex (Cuz said we needed to establish a safe word) but here is the rub…as wonderful as all that sounds on paper…the man still did not return oral favors AND I did not have an orgasm. I am a little concerned about that..we d not see each other enough for both of us not to see fireworks and since I am the one doing most of the patient, understanding part of the job…I think I should get to see the fireworks.

Now here is where it gets funky…the day AFTER we had this wonderful, kinky sex and had these great talks and said we belonged to each other…I got an email from a dude from the arrangement ads. We had seen each other before and dude is an oral god. He was in town, wanted to meet and was offering double what he offered last time. And I went…I justified it all kinds of ways, but I was slutty girlfriend. Me, the chick who hollers about trust and cheating…cheated. I said it before and I will say it again…maybe I cannot trust men because I cannot trust myself. But I have not said a word to Prince Charming…for what? No good can come of his knowing about this. So PC and I continue with our routine and his control issues have stepped up big time…I play along simply because at this point it is online roleplay but asking permissions to use the bathroom, to eat (and to tell him what I am eating) are a little disconcerting.

One of the things we talked about when he was here was the lack of face time…he says with his crazy, stressful life, the most he could commit to as far as actually seeing each other was one day a week, either Tuesday or Thursday. I told him if the communications stayed up to snuff, one day a week was fine. But the communications slacked off (he says he is just not talkative some days) and he missed both days last week…Tuesday, he was tired (too tired apparently to even answer the phone) and Thursday he had an “appointment”…he never said what, and I never asked. All he would say was he was not seeing another woman. But, it pissed me off and frustrated me…and I saw another man last week and got paid and an orgasm.

I asked what his plans were this weekend (it is always something involving the kids, which is why I got Tuesdays or Thursdays) and lo and behold…he went to a college football game without the kids. Said It was a last minute offer from poker buddies and he would be unavailable all day…and apparently all night as he has not texted to tell me he was home or anything. So now I am torn….my issues and committee say that when he really wants to do something or see someone, he makes it happen, No excuses, no kids and I cannot keep on letting him backburner me simply because he is a parent. The other part says I cannot get angry because since we have known each other, he has never taken a day just for him and with me being the untrustworthy one, I need to sit down, shut up and see if he does step up, man up and take care of business.

So there it is, readers…I am being slutty girlfriend and torn. Maybe I should tell PC we should take a break, part ways and he can find that someone who can understand his time restrictions and not cheat on him and I can find someone who can give me the time, attention, understanding and orgasms I need. But then I think about the attention and understanding PC DOES give, how he listens when I do address things that bother me and how much I really do like him…and I feel guilty and badly because it would appear my instant gratification issues are going to ruin a really good thing. I don’t know…all I know is right now, I am fucking up, he is not helping and while I rant and rave I am leaving him, I don’t have time for this…I don’t want to lose Prince Charming. I do want to see if we can make this a long term thing . He says he wants that with me…he wants us to build up a relationship, not just fall into bed. He wants outings with me, he wants the live in arrangement eventually….he just wants me to be patient and work with him. I need help.

Well, you guys are not exactly a priest but this certainly was a confession. Check back soon for more updates and love letters to the remainder of my Panel and please, if you have any advice at all…comment me or inbox me.