Shakespeare once wrote that the course of true love never did run smooth; truer words were never written. Add in control and trust issues on both sides sprinkled with insecurity and validation issues…the path is harder than ever to tread. Not saying that Prince Charming and I are on the path of true love but I would like to think we are on our way to something pretty special that is worth working hard for, if we can get out of our own way. Fair warning, readers: this is a post I don’t want to write, it will be long, slightly convoluted, there is no resolution as of yet and no ideas for one.
Prince Charming and I are in Day 2 ½ of our Standoff…it was bound to come but so soon is the surprise but maybe it isn’t….there were bumps in the road before this obstacle. There was the sexting incident where he gave me instructions and disappeared for 2 hours. I was highly pissed: first, had I actually followed the instructions, I would be chafed and suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome and for God’s sake, if we are going to be online for awhile…keep me engaged in the activity. Seriously. However, I did not curse him out or go off…I calmly explained that I was upset with him and proceeded to explain why…and he took the suggestions I offered. I have been explaining to him in little doses what makes me the way I am and he actually reads and listens. We had the best conversation about what I can expect from him and how he was going to do everything in his power to ensure we made it to the finish (a happily ever after finish) of this relationship with as few hurts and bruises as possible. He drove cross country last weekend from his parents’ home in Utah and we talked and texted pretty much the entire time…I sat up until 5am so he would not be/feel so alone while driving through Middle of Nowhere, USA.
He has an assignment now so we take lunches together so we can talk and text, he has given me a few more instructions that are fairly easy for me to wrap my head around and this is what one does in a relationship, right? Listen, compromise and both sides give a little in the name of the bigger picture. Everything has been going smoothly, swimmingly and the Panel has been enjoying stories and updates about their boyfriend. But, all of this happiness has my issues and the committee in my head on full alert. Happiness is not what I/they do…I do not attract normal, I do not attract happily ever afters. I am fucked up and as I have said before, like attracts like and unhealthy has a special radar. So my issues and the committee have been tapping fingers and toes and inspecting every story, every word and every action..and they finally got what they were after.
Earlier last week, I suggested that PC and I ride the train home together…we are in the same metro station at the same time and actually ride the same train home…it would not be much time together (12 mins max) but it would be us, face to face and together. He texts back that he has a meeting at the time he was supposed to get off….and my issues are holding onto that tightly. He cannot manage 12 minutes when we are in the same place at the same time? Me being me, I brush it aside and jot it down to the disadvantages of work in the private sector. But not two days later, he tells me he will be going out of town for the weekend….he is taking the kids camping although he feels like crap. I tell him to reschedule the trip and get some rest…he had just come down from a 38 hour driving trip, coaching, baseball games, and work. He says he cannot reschedule…it has been planned for a year and others were coming along. Not sure what prompted me to ask the question, but I did: is the ex coming along? And he said yep, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to happen.
Oh, my issues and the committee jumped up, cheered and threw glitter and confetti in the sky….THIS is what they were waiting for. THIS was his fucked-upness…after all, if it were so innocent, why not tell me up front the ex as going along? A LOT went through me in the split second before I responded: hurt, anger, frustration and a memory of Him. When Him and I were “together”, I remember asking him to come over one weekend….we had not seen each other in weeks, I missed him and I was cooking one of his fave meals. Him gave me some lame excuse about being sick, busy…something that boiled down to no way, no how, no chance. Yet, the following weekend the man drove IN A BLIZZARD 5 hours to go be with Gold Digger #1 (the one who was married and would not be alone in a room with him) and somehow, I just saw PC doing the exact same thing. I saw me being the best woman I can be to a man, defending, justifying and excusing behaviors and once again, another woman reaping the benefits of my hard work. And I proceeded to light into Prince Charming…and it was evident the man had no idea why I was going off. He asked why was I pissed and I asked him did he really have to ask that?
He told me I was looking at the whole situation wrong…she was the mother of his kids, nothing else. In order to be good parents, they had to have a decent relationship. It wasn’t him taking her on a trip, it wasn’t an overnight with his ex, it was him taking his kids camping. Next week, everything would be over and we could go anywhere, we could do anything I wanted. Together. Face to face. I told PC I did not believe a word he said. I told him I was jealous as hell about the whole thing and I would never understand it…he said it is the way it is and I have to understand and accept the fact that she came along with the kids. I told him no wonder he couldn’t make time for his present relationship…he was too busy maintaining a past one. He called an end to the argument which I was not ready to do but what good would have come from pushing it? It was a done deal but not necessarily one I had to deal with. PC told me I was still his Baby Girl and I was the one pissed, not him. And he did text me that night, asking about my dinner with my siblings and telling me about how he was nowhere near ready for the trip. I told him I was going to sleep and to have a good trip.
Well, the Panel was all in a tizzy over this latest development…what was going to happen with their boyfriend? Reminded me of that episode of Friends when the gang was more in love with Monica’s boyfriend than Monica was. Artsy Craftsy wanted to know why I let the issues out, Morning Person says I overreacted, Chef thinks we both had valid points but one of us needs to erase the line if we are so special to each other, New Mommy is begging me to see it from a parent’s point of view, UTA says I have to give him a chance, and Feisty One says to stand my ground. Feisty is my new favorite member. But I did make a concession….I wrote PC an email explaining why I reacted the way I did and I told him he HAD to make time for me…no more texting, no more excuses. Face time. If you are serious about us…prove it. If I make you happy, if you feel I am special and I do have a place in your life…show me. I do not think I am asking a lot…I have been putting forth efforts to show him that he is my one, that he is worth my time and attention. Hell, I had to reassure the man I am not fucking the chef at one of my two favorite eateries when I sent him a picture of my special spaghetti lunch…(the chef makes it just for me)…PC is wanting to know why I get special meals made for me. Yeah, so if he wants me to understand and accept the fact that the kids are his #1 priority and a relationship with the ex (he wears it is not sexual or romantic in any shape, form or fashion) is part of that….show me I am a priority and not an online afterthought.
I sent the email and text to him the morning of the camping trip at 8am…and no word at all. My issues and the committee are now dancing with glee….they say PC has not called because he is with the ex. They are kissing, laughing, having a grand old family time and he has no thoughts of me. I am trying to listen to New Mommy over the din of voices in my head….camping is hard work, cell service in the mountains suck, he will contact me once he returns….but I am no longer listening. Morning Person has given up with defenses and excuses…if we do not hear back by 8am Monday, cut the losses and move on. Chef says to reach out first…I say no way. I feel I am in the right and I have already extended an olive branch. Inside, I am miserable and dying…and not sure to blame my issues or Prince Charming, but I know what I want and need from this in order for it to work. If he cannot give it, I understand. I did promise that if he says I am right, he wants to stay, he wants us to work…I will let the guards down (as much as I can) and give him a full chance. I will trust him fully (even when with the ex) and sedate my issues. But he has to find a balance and make time for us. He HAS to.
I want to tell him I am not crazy, I have just been incredibly hurt too many times….but I think they are one and the same at this point. I have told him I am needy but I do not think he knew to what extent. I don’t want it to end (ever…and especially not like this) but I am ready for the next level. I need him to help me be the best helpmate to him I can be but not sure if I am willing to give up more of my control issues while he holds onto his. I am not weak and have made my concessions…his turn. Pride…the deadliest of the 7 sins. And so we stand on opposite sides of a line drawn. Waiting.