The New Normal

In my last blog post, I let my insecurities and issues run amok, untucked my crazy and let it run butt naked free and wild and pretty much had a tantrum/pity party. I still stand behind the reasons for all this: I want, need and deserve a relationship that is normal and has normal things in it…such as time spent together face to face. I could have let that fact be known in more sane and rational way, but this is me. This is what I do. But after talks with PC and the Panel I now come to the question: what is normal nowadays? The days of traditional anything have fallen by the wayside and it is no longer where and how you meet/do, it is who you meet and what you do with what you have. I guess it is kind of like Sister Wives….it doesn’t work for everyone, but it works for us.

The roller coaster week began with still no word from my Prince when I awoke for work Monday morning. I was highly pissed but had been talking with my Panel over the weekend so while I had been admonished (UTA said it best in 9 words: “buck up, shut up and loosen up. Said with love”) and asked to have more patience and understanding towards his situation, the bafflement over his lack of communication led to the consensus that he had until 8am Monday to make himself known or forever be banished. Of course, me being me, I HAD to say something…and I did. I told him that since even before we met, he had talked to me without fail every day the good Lord sent…cross country driving, at his parents’ house, with his kids, at work…I was sorely disappointed that the one person who halted our communications (which is our entire relationship) was the one person he said meant absolutely nothing to him anymore. Well, there was an immediate response…he was in the mountains, I knew he was going, there is absolutely nothing going on with anyone else. He had read my email (the one where I told he HAD to made time for me) and he wanted to address some issues I raised; he was sending me an email later (he never wrote it) but I was right about needing time together. He would come over after work the next day…we would talk, address things that needed addressing and hopefully come to a resolution.

Well, I was feeling elated, relieved and slightly skeptical….I told him I was not some incredibly insecure, needy and angry black woman…I was not crazy, I had just been incredibly hurt too many times and it was just hard to let the guards down. Especially when I am basing it all off words on a screen. I appreciated him making time for me but we would see what actually transpired. I cooked dinner and cleaned the apartment just in case. And the next day came…and he bailed. He claimed to be sick and crappy feeling in the morning but he was still coming over; when I checked on him at 4pm, he said he would not be able to make it and would ALLOW me to attend a company happy hour function. I could not bring myself to call him a liar outright so just stopped talking. UTA said to change his name to King of Excuses, Morning Person almost cried with frustration, Chef just got real quiet, saying he had high hopes for us, New Mommy said to not move on immediately and Artsy Craftsy came up with the two best hashtags EVER: #motherfucker and my favorite, #sodonewithhisassrightnow. I was pretty upset and cried a little bit…Chef was not the only one with high hopes and while I did not want to attend the happy hour, I did so just so I would not be at home with my issues and the committee telling me we told you so while eating a dinner that had been prepared for two.

Apparently, my Panel and I were the only ones who realized his bailing meant the end of Daddy and Baby Girl, and of DC and Prince Charming…when I walked through my apartment door that evening , he texted me telling me he was still feeling crappy, had downed a bottle of Nyquil, was headed to bed and wished me good night. And that is when it hit me even though everything told me I was justifying again…I do not and never thought Prince Charming was mean or malicious. I may not know where I stood with him but as Policeman pointed out, it takes a lot of time, thought and dedication to text/talk/phone someone every.single.day. But I was still pissed…I put the ads back up. I was having difficulties with re-posting them and did not think they went through, but they did. No worries, only 4 responses and three of them were ridiculous off the bat and the fourth one never came through. But, I digress…I decided to call Prince Charming, clear the air for once and all and see where we were.

The talk went well…I had input from the Panel beforehand so I did not shoot either of us in the foot and I made sure the issues and committee were fully sedated beforehand. We discussed politics, Obamacare, work, why I cannot seem to wear boots, his parents, how to say you’re welcome in French…and us. I told him I called to see where we were, and he said he doesn’t know where we are but it isn’t where he wants us to be. He said he felt AWFUL about the last minute bailing (when I don’t see him, he does not see me) , he cares for/about me, he LIKES me and he enjoys having me in his life. Right now, his life is so crazy and stressful and I am the only bright spot. I told him even when he pisses me off, he still makes me happy (90% of the time, it is not him but my issues), I LIKE him, I care for/about him but I feel as if I am in a long distance relationship when I don’t have to be…in one direction he is 5 metro stops away and in the other, he is less than 20 miles away. I feel as if I am the only one who is making efforts, the only one who is serious. I asked him was he still married, was there a live-in, a girlfriend…someone who prevented him from carving out 4 hours a week to see me? I was almost hoping there was, but he answered in the negative to all of the above, saying he had told me this before. I told him his actions make me forget his answers.

He took a deep breath and told me some really personal information (which I will reveal once he really pisses me off). Told me he could not make a commitment beyond 1, maybe 2 days a week and even then I would need to be a little more patient while he juggled and made revisions in the schedule to do so. I told him he was busier than the President and I had only been patient because he promised the end of baseball season..which was here. He says he knows it is frustrating and unfair but the role-play could come off the table AND I could see other people (Feisty One was all for that one)…just do not tell him about it. Readers, he sounded soooo…sincere, and tired and a little scared. His openness, truthfulness and vulnerability touched me and it was like…he IS the one. Yeah, still no face time yet, but that is just ONE thing…an important thing, but my friendships with the Panel involve little to no face time. It does not make our friendships, our relationships any less valid or real. And the face time is coming..in the meantime, we are building a connection and foundation. The man still makes me happy and feel wanted and not alone…he just needs a little more time to learn to balance his life and to make room for one more.

I told him I did not want anyone else…I wanted him. I wanted us. I wanted to see where we ended up. I am not ready to give up on him or give us up. He said he felt the same way and wanted what I wanted. We ended up with a damn near two hour phone call, and when I told Chef, Morning Person, Artsy Craftsy and New Mommy the good news, they all cheered and Morning Person said all was right in her world again. And all has been well…he has been a little uncommunicative the past couple of days and says some days he is not very talkative (not good if all we have are words) but not going off the deep end about it. I asked him were we good and did we still have whatever it is we have? His answer was yes, we do and I believe him. Lord knows, the slowest relationship I have ever had but the way he makes me feel, the attention and open communication I get from Prince Charming…it makes it worth the wait. So I am bucking up, shutting up and loosening up…and Daddy and Baby Girl live to see another day.

Early Stages Standoff

Shakespeare once wrote that the course of true love never did run smooth; truer words were never written. Add in control and trust issues on both sides sprinkled with insecurity and validation issues…the path is harder than ever to tread. Not saying that Prince Charming and I are on the path of true love but I would like to think we are on our way to something pretty special that is worth working hard for, if we can get out of our own way. Fair warning, readers: this is a post I don’t want to write, it will be long, slightly convoluted, there is no resolution as of yet and no ideas for one.

Prince Charming and I are in Day 2 ½ of our Standoff…it was bound to come but so soon is the surprise but maybe it isn’t….there were bumps in the road before this obstacle. There was the sexting incident where he gave me instructions and disappeared for 2 hours. I was highly pissed: first, had I actually followed the instructions, I would be chafed and suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome and for God’s sake, if we are going to be online for awhile…keep me engaged in the activity. Seriously. However, I did not curse him out or go off…I calmly explained that I was upset with him and proceeded to explain why…and he took the suggestions I offered. I have been explaining to him in little doses what makes me the way I am and he actually reads and listens. We had the best conversation about what I can expect from him and how he was going to do everything in his power to ensure we made it to the finish (a happily ever after finish) of this relationship with as few hurts and bruises as possible. He drove cross country last weekend from his parents’ home in Utah and we talked and texted pretty much the entire time…I sat up until 5am so he would not be/feel so alone while driving through Middle of Nowhere, USA.

He has an assignment now so we take lunches together so we can talk and text, he has given me a few more instructions that are fairly easy for me to wrap my head around and this is what one does in a relationship, right? Listen, compromise and both sides give a little in the name of the bigger picture. Everything has been going smoothly, swimmingly and the Panel has been enjoying stories and updates about their boyfriend. But, all of this happiness has my issues and the committee in my head on full alert. Happiness is not what I/they do…I do not attract normal, I do not attract happily ever afters. I am fucked up and as I have said before, like attracts like and unhealthy has a special radar. So my issues and the committee have been tapping fingers and toes and inspecting every story, every word and every action..and they finally got what they were after.

Earlier last week, I suggested that PC and I ride the train home together…we are in the same metro station at the same time and actually ride the same train home…it would not be much time together (12 mins max) but it would be us, face to face and together. He texts back that he has a meeting at the time he was supposed to get off….and my issues are holding onto that tightly. He cannot manage 12 minutes when we are in the same place at the same time? Me being me, I brush it aside and jot it down to the disadvantages of work in the private sector. But not two days later, he tells me he will be going out of town for the weekend….he is taking the kids camping although he feels like crap. I tell him to reschedule the trip and get some rest…he had just come down from a 38 hour driving trip, coaching, baseball games, and work. He says he cannot reschedule…it has been planned for a year and others were coming along. Not sure what prompted me to ask the question, but I did: is the ex coming along? And he said yep, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to happen.

Oh, my issues and the committee jumped up, cheered and threw glitter and confetti in the sky….THIS is what they were waiting for. THIS was his fucked-upness…after all, if it were so innocent, why not tell me up front the ex as going along? A LOT went through me in the split second before I responded: hurt, anger, frustration and a memory of Him. When Him and I were “together”, I remember asking him to come over one weekend….we had not seen each other in weeks, I missed him and I was cooking one of his fave meals. Him gave me some lame excuse about being sick, busy…something that boiled down to no way, no how, no chance. Yet, the following weekend the man drove IN A BLIZZARD 5 hours to go be with Gold Digger #1 (the one who was married and would not be alone in a room with him) and somehow, I just saw PC doing the exact same thing. I saw me being the best woman I can be to a man, defending, justifying and excusing behaviors and once again, another woman reaping the benefits of my hard work. And I proceeded to light into Prince Charming…and it was evident the man had no idea why I was going off. He asked why was I pissed and I asked him did he really have to ask that?

He told me I was looking at the whole situation wrong…she was the mother of his kids, nothing else. In order to be good parents, they had to have a decent relationship. It wasn’t him taking her on a trip, it wasn’t an overnight with his ex, it was him taking his kids camping. Next week, everything would be over and we could go anywhere, we could do anything I wanted. Together. Face to face. I told PC I did not believe a word he said. I told him I was jealous as hell about the whole thing and I would never understand it…he said it is the way it is and I have to understand and accept the fact that she came along with the kids. I told him no wonder he couldn’t make time for his present relationship…he was too busy maintaining a past one. He called an end to the argument which I was not ready to do but what good would have come from pushing it? It was a done deal but not necessarily one I had to deal with. PC told me I was still his Baby Girl and I was the one pissed, not him. And he did text me that night, asking about my dinner with my siblings and telling me about how he was nowhere near ready for the trip. I told him I was going to sleep and to have a good trip.

Well, the Panel was all in a tizzy over this latest development…what was going to happen with their boyfriend? Reminded me of that episode of Friends when the gang was more in love with Monica’s boyfriend than Monica was. Artsy Craftsy wanted to know why I let the issues out, Morning Person says I overreacted, Chef thinks we both had valid points but one of us needs to erase the line if we are so special to each other, New Mommy is begging me to see it from a parent’s point of view, UTA says I have to give him a chance, and Feisty One says to stand my ground. Feisty is my new favorite member. But I did make a concession….I wrote PC an email explaining why I reacted the way I did and I told him he HAD to make time for me…no more texting, no more excuses. Face time. If you are serious about us…prove it. If I make you happy, if you feel I am special and I do have a place in your life…show me. I do not think I am asking a lot…I have been putting forth efforts to show him that he is my one, that he is worth my time and attention. Hell, I had to reassure the man I am not fucking the chef at one of my two favorite eateries when I sent him a picture of my special spaghetti lunch…(the chef makes it just for me)…PC is wanting to know why I get special meals made for me. Yeah, so if he wants me to understand and accept the fact that the kids are his #1 priority and a relationship with the ex (he wears it is not sexual or romantic in any shape, form or fashion) is part of that….show me I am a priority and not an online afterthought.

I sent the email and text to him the morning of the camping trip at 8am…and no word at all. My issues and the committee are now dancing with glee….they say PC has not called because he is with the ex. They are kissing, laughing, having a grand old family time and he has no thoughts of me. I am trying to listen to New Mommy over the din of voices in my head….camping is hard work, cell service in the mountains suck, he will contact me once he returns….but I am no longer listening. Morning Person has given up with defenses and excuses…if we do not hear back by 8am Monday, cut the losses and move on. Chef says to reach out first…I say no way. I feel I am in the right and I have already extended an olive branch. Inside, I am miserable and dying…and not sure to blame my issues or Prince Charming, but I know what I want and need from this in order for it to work. If he cannot give it, I understand. I did promise that if he says I am right, he wants to stay, he wants us to work…I will let the guards down (as much as I can) and give him a full chance. I will trust him fully (even when with the ex) and sedate my issues. But he has to find a balance and make time for us. He HAS to.

I want to tell him I am not crazy, I have just been incredibly hurt too many times….but I think they are one and the same at this point. I have told him I am needy but I do not think he knew to what extent. I don’t want it to end (ever…and especially not like this) but I am ready for the next level. I need him to help me be the best helpmate to him I can be but not sure if I am willing to give up more of my control issues while he holds onto his. I am not weak and have made my concessions…his turn. Pride…the deadliest of the 7 sins. And so we stand on opposite sides of a line drawn. Waiting.

#400

This is my 400th blog post….it has taken me 3 years and 2 months to get here and for the first time ever in this blog and in my life…I know a happiness unlike any I have ever felt. To quote Him, I am happier than I have ever been in.my.life. This could not happen without my Higher Power and a lot of help, support and encouragement from this blog, you readers, my Panel and the process. When I look back on the despair, depression and desperation I had to go through to get here, I feel that this is a miracle. To think my life and interests would even span 40 posts, let alone 400 is mind boggling but my happiness today…that is a miracle.

My professional life is finally on track….I have been extended on the contract until March of 2014 with another extension planned after that if I am not already made permanent. I finally got my raise (AND retro pay) which kicks in next pay period. I still enjoy my job, love my co-workers and so far, they seem to love me back. I do not mind going to work (well, except for that whole not a morning person and I love my bed thing) and do not mind being on time for it. I was looking for another job, more money, closer to home, etc. but that is over for now. They are doing their best to keep me and I am going to do my best to stay there.

Personally…the happiness I feel with Prince Charming is beyond any I have ever known. I think at 47, I may have found my first real boyfriend…although at 47 and 42 (his age) is boyfriend an acceptable term? Sometimes I think I have found Morning Person, Artsy Craftsy, Feisty One and New Mommy a boyfriend…the ladies LOVE this man. Even Girlfriend has chimed in and given PC two thumbs up and says this will be a learning experience for both he and I…opening up to each other, shedding issues and breaking down walls with each other could be very cathartic. I still do not know how we even saw each other with all the walls and guards in place…I told Morning Person our bricks liked each other.

He is still stopping arguments before they start and answers my questions before they even come up. He says that I know more about him than pretty much anyone at this point (trust me, that is not saying a lot) but the fact that I do know what I do says a lot to me…it is hard to open up to someone who could potentially hurt you in the long run. We are both still taking it slowly and looking forward to face time. He starts a new assignment this week, coaching and baseball are pretty much over and I am ready to see if he is speaking the truth when he says I am constantly on his mind, he misses me and I leave him hot, bothered and distracted. One aspect I like is that even though he has a Facebook, neither of us have mentioned friending the other…Artsy Craftsy agrees it is a good move to not mention it. Once we are more firmly established and build more trust and comfort (and the kids know Daddy is seeing someone)….maybe we can do it then. But not sure I want to….social media can be a death sentence for relationships and trust and believe, I can fuck up a relationship all on my own.

Not saying Prince Charming is perfect…he speaks a language I call “foosed”…meaning he has the ability to confuse me or to cause confusion but I chalk it up to his being a lawyer. And I forgive him that because he gives me the bottom line every time…and so far, we are still in the same book, on the same page. He is incredibly laid back and sometimes takes going slow to a whole new level, but I need as little drama as possible in my life and if nothing else, the man will teach me patience. He is still as attentive as ever and says he will be the one I can slow dance with…he knows about my blog but has never asked to read it. He says that it is mine…if I want him to read something, send him the post. AND he is still talking about a live in arrangement down the road. Lord, if he sends me flowers at work, I would be calling him Prince Charming because he could be the one to make dreams come true.

So this is my 400th blog post…a number I never thought I would see on a topic I thought I would never be writing about (at least for me). Thank you readers for sticking with me while I embark on another adventure and for your support over the years. Thank you Panel for all you do and go through with me. And please, don’t anyone go anywhere…if this guy is who he is portraying himself to be, I am going to need all the help I can get with a real boyfriend.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Prince Charming

The original title of the post was to be TGTBT, which is an acronym for too good to be true but Morning Person tells me to stop saying that. But if ever a man I met fits that description, it is Country Boy….and I am officially changing his blog moniker to Prince Charming….it may be a little over the top but this man, readers…this man is a game changer and could be THE ONE. I will just tell you everything and you can draw your own conclusions.

First, members of the Panel are falling for him as much as I am…no input from Girlfriend or UTA yet on PC but Girlfriend liked his preliminaries. New Mommy likes the fact that he is a hands on dad, Morning Person likes the fact that he is attentive and respectful, Chef likes that he sees me as a lady and his parenting approach, Feisty One says I have a boyfriend and a cute one at that, Cuz likes that he makes me happy (everyone swears that they have NEVER seen me this happy) and while Artsy Craftsy is borderline about the lack of face time, she likes that we talk so much about so many things and there are no flags to be found. Hell, the one flag on the play I thought I saw, the Panel says was already there and we are all comfortable with it.

Prince Charming is my one and only…the ads are gone…a feat no man before him or even steady employment was able to achieve (the Panel will love PC forever for that one). I am no longer exploring options and this man has knocked the exes out of the box. Even the Man with the Biblical Name with his promises of Ocean City is gone, but MBN did it to himself…he showed very little interest in communication outside of scheduling an appointment and never initiated one text. I trust Prince Charming (as much as I can), I can truthfully say the fact that he has children no longer bothers me (thanks, New Mommy!) and the man does not curse, smoke, drink or drug. He is not hung up on anyone else, says I make him happy and there is something about me that excites him but he cannot describe what it is. I say it is either my tits or my crazy (which is REALLY showing…I may want to tuck that back in).

I have been comparing and confusing Prince Charming with others from the past: the man pays me so much attention that I am preoccupied and quiet at work (the techs think I am sick) and when I do not hear from him in like 2 hours, I am all panicky and thinking he has left me…Tyke did that. Overdosed me on attention to simply disappear. I have to learn that the man has other things to do…kids, find a job, parents, sleep. And I need to remember the 4am text where he said he could not sleep and wanted me to know he was thinking of me, the midnight emails, the asking me about my day, my commute home, what am I watching and should he watch it also. I met him via the ads, the same way I met AFO. Yeah, NO comparisons there. PC makes AFO non-existent. He makes me feel so special and happy…Him did that for a little while, but with PC the happiness is incredible because it is pure. It is not tainted with suspicions and doubt. I trusted Him also, but Prince Charming validates my trust…there is no reason to question PC, put him on the spot or act a damned fool with PC. There just isn’t. The man is perfect…for me, at least.

He tells me he is serious about us, would be happy if it developed into something more and is curious to see where this grows and goes. He knows I have issues and guards…he wants to be the one who shows me that letting someone in does not have to hurt..and we won’t go very far if I stay walled up. He knows some things are hard for me and he will respect all boundaries….and the man understands about the whole man in my bed thing. When I told him I would have him, naked in my bed…he told me that was a huge move for me and he is happy I feel he is that special. I tell him he will leave if he gets to know me…he says he won’t leave, he wants to be with me. I say all he wants is sex…he says he can get that anywhere, with or without money….he wants someone he can talk to, he can come home to, someone who wants him as much as he wants them..on all levels. See what I mean about nipping every argument in the bud? I yell at him about lack of face time…he explains for the umpteenth time about the kids’ sports activities and that it will be over soon…we can spend mornings before work, evenings after work and weekends doing whatever I want to do. He wants me to be happy and wants to be the one who makes me happy.

We text and email all the time and at the most random of times…and I think the ads had a lot to do with that. Since they have been down, we talk more often and he is more open about himself and has even asked me my advice on boosting his son’s confidence when it comes to playing baseball. And we have SEXTED! You readers know I do not do that…seriously, when you are typing out the shit you say when you are having sex…it looks really stupid. And weird. Morning Person and Artsy Craftsy say that sexting is a huge step while still going slowly….and here is what surprised me: after doing it twice, we have not done it since…and he is still here. I am amazed…in my own way, I am being super accommodating and he is not taking advantage and rather than go out and get the real thing from someone else (what I mean is prettier, younger, slimmer)…he wants to share fantasies and assisted masturbation with me.

The flag on the play…when I asked him what his problem was, what his crazy was (PC says no one has crazy, just quirks) because he really was amazing and too good to be true, he says he can be controlling and has trust issues. Basically, a male me. But I ran with it…I was all up in my head saying he would be abusive, beat the crap out of me and then I would have to set him on fire. Thank GOD for my Panel…they calmed me down and explained he was already controlling me in a way…a fun, playful way and no one saw anything wrong with it. Hell, I was embracing it.

PC wants a Dominant/submissive relationship…I call it Daddy/sub because I call him Daddy and he calls me Baby Girl. One of the aspects of this is he tells me what to wear (rather what he wants to see me in until he can get over here to inspect my closet) and I have to send pictures of me in my panties (I chalk that up to his being a guy) and then a picture of me in the complete outfit…thank you Honeybee for being the photographer (of the outfit only). I do not mind doing that…Lord knows, this man fills so many voids….and I actually get the rewards from that also. Every morning he sees my pictures, he tells me how sexy I am, how lovely, ladylike and professional I look. I cannot dress in a slutty or sloppy manner or in a way that displeases him and it sounds weird and kinky maybe, but if I can return any of the happiness he gives me and no one is hurt or disrespected in the process…why not? Feisty One personally loves this aspect because I have to wear my natural hair…he is not a fan of my wigs but he also knows it is part of my masks, so he has left the hair to my discretion and I get to pick my own outfits on Fridays.

I have fallen so hard for this man, readers…he gives me everything I need and have been missing for so long: stability, attention, kink, validation and structure. I smile when I think about him, he has awakened butterflies and he makes me feel secure and not alone. I have no idea where this will end up (he eventually wants a 24/7, live in arrangement but let’s not get ahead of ourselves) and he hopes I do not tire of him but I am taking Feisty One’s advice…ride it till the brakes fall off. So now everyone knows about the man I refer to as my boyfriend to the Panel…I hope you readers like Prince Charming as much as we do.