In my last blog post, I let my insecurities and issues run amok, untucked my crazy and let it run butt naked free and wild and pretty much had a tantrum/pity party. I still stand behind the reasons for all this: I want, need and deserve a relationship that is normal and has normal things in it…such as time spent together face to face. I could have let that fact be known in more sane and rational way, but this is me. This is what I do. But after talks with PC and the Panel I now come to the question: what is normal nowadays? The days of traditional anything have fallen by the wayside and it is no longer where and how you meet/do, it is who you meet and what you do with what you have. I guess it is kind of like Sister Wives….it doesn’t work for everyone, but it works for us.
The roller coaster week began with still no word from my Prince when I awoke for work Monday morning. I was highly pissed but had been talking with my Panel over the weekend so while I had been admonished (UTA said it best in 9 words: “buck up, shut up and loosen up. Said with love”) and asked to have more patience and understanding towards his situation, the bafflement over his lack of communication led to the consensus that he had until 8am Monday to make himself known or forever be banished. Of course, me being me, I HAD to say something…and I did. I told him that since even before we met, he had talked to me without fail every day the good Lord sent…cross country driving, at his parents’ house, with his kids, at work…I was sorely disappointed that the one person who halted our communications (which is our entire relationship) was the one person he said meant absolutely nothing to him anymore. Well, there was an immediate response…he was in the mountains, I knew he was going, there is absolutely nothing going on with anyone else. He had read my email (the one where I told he HAD to made time for me) and he wanted to address some issues I raised; he was sending me an email later (he never wrote it) but I was right about needing time together. He would come over after work the next day…we would talk, address things that needed addressing and hopefully come to a resolution.
Well, I was feeling elated, relieved and slightly skeptical….I told him I was not some incredibly insecure, needy and angry black woman…I was not crazy, I had just been incredibly hurt too many times and it was just hard to let the guards down. Especially when I am basing it all off words on a screen. I appreciated him making time for me but we would see what actually transpired. I cooked dinner and cleaned the apartment just in case. And the next day came…and he bailed. He claimed to be sick and crappy feeling in the morning but he was still coming over; when I checked on him at 4pm, he said he would not be able to make it and would ALLOW me to attend a company happy hour function. I could not bring myself to call him a liar outright so just stopped talking. UTA said to change his name to King of Excuses, Morning Person almost cried with frustration, Chef just got real quiet, saying he had high hopes for us, New Mommy said to not move on immediately and Artsy Craftsy came up with the two best hashtags EVER: #motherfucker and my favorite, #sodonewithhisassrightnow. I was pretty upset and cried a little bit…Chef was not the only one with high hopes and while I did not want to attend the happy hour, I did so just so I would not be at home with my issues and the committee telling me we told you so while eating a dinner that had been prepared for two.
Apparently, my Panel and I were the only ones who realized his bailing meant the end of Daddy and Baby Girl, and of DC and Prince Charming…when I walked through my apartment door that evening , he texted me telling me he was still feeling crappy, had downed a bottle of Nyquil, was headed to bed and wished me good night. And that is when it hit me even though everything told me I was justifying again…I do not and never thought Prince Charming was mean or malicious. I may not know where I stood with him but as Policeman pointed out, it takes a lot of time, thought and dedication to text/talk/phone someone every.single.day. But I was still pissed…I put the ads back up. I was having difficulties with re-posting them and did not think they went through, but they did. No worries, only 4 responses and three of them were ridiculous off the bat and the fourth one never came through. But, I digress…I decided to call Prince Charming, clear the air for once and all and see where we were.
The talk went well…I had input from the Panel beforehand so I did not shoot either of us in the foot and I made sure the issues and committee were fully sedated beforehand. We discussed politics, Obamacare, work, why I cannot seem to wear boots, his parents, how to say you’re welcome in French…and us. I told him I called to see where we were, and he said he doesn’t know where we are but it isn’t where he wants us to be. He said he felt AWFUL about the last minute bailing (when I don’t see him, he does not see me) , he cares for/about me, he LIKES me and he enjoys having me in his life. Right now, his life is so crazy and stressful and I am the only bright spot. I told him even when he pisses me off, he still makes me happy (90% of the time, it is not him but my issues), I LIKE him, I care for/about him but I feel as if I am in a long distance relationship when I don’t have to be…in one direction he is 5 metro stops away and in the other, he is less than 20 miles away. I feel as if I am the only one who is making efforts, the only one who is serious. I asked him was he still married, was there a live-in, a girlfriend…someone who prevented him from carving out 4 hours a week to see me? I was almost hoping there was, but he answered in the negative to all of the above, saying he had told me this before. I told him his actions make me forget his answers.
He took a deep breath and told me some really personal information (which I will reveal once he really pisses me off). Told me he could not make a commitment beyond 1, maybe 2 days a week and even then I would need to be a little more patient while he juggled and made revisions in the schedule to do so. I told him he was busier than the President and I had only been patient because he promised the end of baseball season..which was here. He says he knows it is frustrating and unfair but the role-play could come off the table AND I could see other people (Feisty One was all for that one)…just do not tell him about it. Readers, he sounded soooo…sincere, and tired and a little scared. His openness, truthfulness and vulnerability touched me and it was like…he IS the one. Yeah, still no face time yet, but that is just ONE thing…an important thing, but my friendships with the Panel involve little to no face time. It does not make our friendships, our relationships any less valid or real. And the face time is coming..in the meantime, we are building a connection and foundation. The man still makes me happy and feel wanted and not alone…he just needs a little more time to learn to balance his life and to make room for one more.
I told him I did not want anyone else…I wanted him. I wanted us. I wanted to see where we ended up. I am not ready to give up on him or give us up. He said he felt the same way and wanted what I wanted. We ended up with a damn near two hour phone call, and when I told Chef, Morning Person, Artsy Craftsy and New Mommy the good news, they all cheered and Morning Person said all was right in her world again. And all has been well…he has been a little uncommunicative the past couple of days and says some days he is not very talkative (not good if all we have are words) but not going off the deep end about it. I asked him were we good and did we still have whatever it is we have? His answer was yes, we do and I believe him. Lord knows, the slowest relationship I have ever had but the way he makes me feel, the attention and open communication I get from Prince Charming…it makes it worth the wait. So I am bucking up, shutting up and loosening up…and Daddy and Baby Girl live to see another day.