Surreality


Things are weird. Fair warning; be prepared to potentially see the word weird a lot in this post. That is because for the first time in a very long time, things are aligning in a way that does not take me out of my comfort zone, I am not questioning or overthinking and I am pleased, content and happy with what I have. I decided to blog about it for two reasons: how rare is a blog post where I am not venting, bitching, analyzing, questioning, whining about something? And I need to put this in writing so when things fall apart and I get to saying how nothing ever goes my way, I can look back and remember that for a little while…my life had pieces of perfection that fell into place and fit together wonderfully.

I want to talk about AFO first….the man is not crazy. He is crafty, manipulative and delusional (I am spot on with delusional), but not crazy. I was emailing with him earlier in the week and trying to be friendly and upbeat and not a grudge holding bitch. But then he went off on tangents about how strong our history and connections were (he is talking with another chick from Craigslist and I am guessing he did not want me to be jealous) and basically told me he was doing ME a favor by not discussing our sex life and no, he did NOT keep in contact with me since we were not exclusive. And that is when I decided that I was no longer going to feed into the delusions or keep up the farce that was us…I told him off, broke it off and have not heard one word from him again. I am not sad or feel badly…I feel relieved and am amazed at how much disruption the man brought into my emotional well-being. Seriously, it almost makes me appreciate Him…for whatever reason (happiness, in love with the BTH/BTGD, cowardice)…whatever the reason is, it prevents him from barreling back in here, raising the what ifs and is allowing me to move forward. I guess it took AFO showing me the depth of his selfishness to open my eyes to who he really is. Not going to beat myself up too badly…I was in a vulnerable position and overdosing on aggressive sex. No one can be expected to think clearly with that combination.

The job is cool and I am shocked at that one. Those people are weird, no doubt about it. I cursed them out, acted in a totally unacceptable and unprofessional manner…and they apologized to me! The running theme is that one has to let out all the stress and tension and even the big boss was congratulating me on my effective and multiple usages of both the “f” and “s” bombs. If I had any doubts before…THIS is MY job. Now if I could only get them to follow through on the pay raise, this would be m DREAM job but all things in their time. The fact I still have a job where I am liked and respected is more than enough to earn my gratitude (for the moment).

Country Boy…I want to change his name to The Lawyer, but then he says thing like “I bet you look mighty great today” and I am back to Country Boy. Whoever he is, he has crossed over from different to weird. First thing, I do not mind that he has kids…well, I do a little bit (plans for dinner still have not materialized due to work schedules and his children’s sports/after school activities schedules) but not enough to totally dismiss the man. He is proud of me for setting aside people pleaser tendencies and standing up to AFO (he does not know the whole story) and actually defended my outrageous outburst at work. So he is willing to justify and rationalize on my behalf….that beats just accepting it and chalking it up to me being crazy any day. Another weird thing…I trust him. Not a lot, but enough that the ONE DAY in over a month he did not email me, I did not go crazy….and he sent me an email at 5am telling all about his day Sunday. When I DID go crazy three days later (only to Artsy Craftsy and we are both blaming it on my godawful headache) thinking he was dating others, he was still trolling adult internet sites…he sent me an email at MIDNIGHT (who else is thinking of me at midnight, other than my mother?) to tell me what he had been up to, wish me pleasant dreams and that he was looking forward to talking to me when I woke up.

So he is somewhat psychic…okay, probably not, but I like how his timing works. Nip the trust issues in the bud…before they start. Wow. I do not know what to make of CB or of this….we talk constantly but never about sex or how we met. I wondered if he was taking it slowly because of how we met but I think he is looking at it the way I am….both of us were a total surprise to the other, we obviously had good physical/sexual chemistry (but let it be known…not returning oral favors can be a deal breaker on this end) and are curious what else the other person has to offer. Going slowly and getting to know each other is a smart way to go…I feel weird that no sex has been mentioned (although we had some sexy talk about outfits and lingerie….he thinks me in lace panties, thigh high boots and nothing else would be fantastic) but the Panel thinks that if all we talked about was sex, that would be the red flag. Normal, healthy people talk about normal, healthy things. Sex excluded. Again…I like it, I like him and I have no questions or not nagging doubts. My gut is calm and settled when I talk with CB, when I think of CB… there are no red flags, no backtracking of stories or lies (that I can spot)…just a good feeling.

So for the first time since embarking on the process, my life is the life I remember before all the chaos and hurt and heartbreak. I have a job that I enjoy, I have friends looking out for me in ways that cannot be measured (Lord knows, I have the most unorthodox friendships), the outright negative folks are gone from my life and I am enjoying getting to know someone from scratch. Someone who sends me emails at midnight, who thinks I look mighty great, thinks I am a good person and hard worker, who thinks I am funny, sweet, and kind. Oh, and who thinks that I would look good in lace panties and thigh high boots. Yeah, for this moment…life is as good as it gets and that is saying a lot.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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