Hello, Readers!! Sitting at home being lazy and procrastinating (about 50 pounds of laundry are begging to be folded and put away, but I am still recuperating from the washing and drying phase) and thought I would fill the void by writing and sharing some updates with you. First on the list…I have been blogging for 3 years now. Three years and almost 400 blog posts….amazed that I have lasted this long (maybe I should say that I have stuck with it this long) and at the progress that has been made. Still a work in progress, but I think more people will agree than not I am not the same woman who started this blog and it is for the better. Going to jump right into the updates and best thing about all of them…no (over) thinking necessary! May be a first.
Country Boy : The man is….different. In a good way. After posting my last blog post where I was lamenting not hearing from him after asking about an outing…he replied not 10 minutes later. In the positive and we have been emailing ever since, even if it is just to say good morning and have a wonderful day. We are making plans for dinner by next weekend, and he says he is enjoying our conversations and getting to know me. He appreciates my honesty and my humor. I like the fact that he does go slowly…yeah, we did part of the dirty deed and we met under unorthodox circumstances, but he says it isn’t where you meet, it is who you meet and that his mental attraction to me surpasses his physical attraction…which to me sounds like a win-win. I don’t love him, I don’t like him (well, I do but not in the over the top way I liked Work Boyfriend or AFO) and I am not obsessing over him. I am not planning futures or dropping hints to him in our conversations…rather, he is growing on me which tells me I may be growing up. I like this and I like it enough to let it unfold naturally..we can all be surprised (or not) at the outcome.
AFO: I have come to the conclusion that the man is not so much determined as he is desperate with a touch of balls being bigger than church bells thrown in. He is devoid of emotions, anti-social and perhaps somewhat mentally deficient, but I am going with dogmatic. Being deployed to Afghanistan and living in a tent with 4 other men is certainly not what he has become accustomed to and I realize I am his way of having a creature comfort. It is not about connection, it is not about regret or anything along the lines of what he is spewing…the man actually said he appreciates me and what I offered him; that is why he checks in periodically. I did not bother to point out his periodically is when he is alone in an unfamiliar place, that it is an indirect contact and he cannot remember a 5 letter name when he does so. Yet, despite all of this, I am emailing with him sporadically. Not for answers (the one he offered was so convoluted and nonsensical), not for revenge and not to retry for a third time. I do it simply because I have sympathy for his situation although it is all of his own making and I probably need to make some good karma points deposits. I have no hopes and expectations (it is a lost cause, period). He has said he has put in for a permanent change of station (PCS) for DC and surrounding area, but that does not faze me either way as I am too busy wondering why when he is around, Mother Nature flees…he has either brought back menopause or it is the return of White Baby.
Philadelphia: Last weekend I went to Philadelphia for the NA world convention…I had such expectations for the convention (which sorely disappointed, in my opinion) but ended up falling in love with the city. I felt a kinship with Philly when I went to visit the Oscars, but this time around I got to see the city (I did the Big Bus tour and talked to the homeless in LOVE Park) and this is where I am relocating to. I enjoy the personality and energy of the city, the big blue bridges and while I think the cheesesteak is overrated and am not an Eagles fan, I can see myself there: exploring the city on weekends and grabbing meals and yummy goodies at Reading Terminal. I am looking at jobs in the Philadelphia/South Jersey area and pricing apartment/townhome rentals and already planning a long weekend trip up there. Of course, the town could turn out to be as ridiculous as DC, but right now I’m thinking Philly could be home.
Spiritual Crisis: It is really not a crisis, but when NA convention time rolls around, I am always in need of tools to help me with the journey and process. This time around I thought I did not get the tools I needed to work through certain things, but in hindsight, maybe I did get what I needed. One thing that was a recurring theme was being taken out of comfort zones and having enough faith in a Higher Power to accept this without question. And I realized that while I have a belief in a Higher Power (I am spiritual, not religious… my Higher Power is God and I believe the only way to Him is though His Son), I do not have much faith or trust in One. If you know any part of my story (which you should by now), you will certainly agree with me that me not having faith or trust in a Higher Power is probably the most ridiculous statement I have EVER made. And then it hit me….it isn’t the Higher Power I do not have faith/trust in…it’s me. I have fed myself so much negativity, listened to the jealous haters and allowed the opinions and actions of folks I either do not know or who were undeserving of me influence me to the point I am now stripped of being able to recognize my strengths, abilities and my fabulosity. I only see my flaws and imperfections and magnify them 1000 times. I need to go to church and renew my spirit with an unconditional love that only comes from One who has kept me covered, protected and gives me an abundance of blessings all day, every day. So while the convention was not what I hoped, I did find the tool I needed…I was simply too blind to see it at the moment.
Ghetto Girl: I have managed to keep this heifer under wraps and somewhat under control for quite a while now, but she made a surprise visit at work, and thank goodness I have the manager I do. Trust this…the average person would have told me to pack my stuff and get to stepping; don’t call us, we’ll call you. You readers know I love my job: still on time, love my co-workers and even when things got hectic and crazy beyond belief, I bitched and vented but I stuck with it. We have lost two contractor techs (which means two extra pairs of hands), so in addition to what is already on people’s plates, we have the work of two additional folks that has to go somewhere. I try really hard to repair what I can, I am mindful that the remaining techs get work from me, shipments from remote users and from the service desk queue (my window trumps their queue)so I distribute work as evenly and fairly as possible and I also try to give everyone their turn in the spotlight when it comes to showcasing their skills and talents with managers, directors and leadership.
Yet, for the past 2-3 weeks, when I ask a question, no one answers me. When the customer asks a question, no one hears them. BUT, when I am doing my job and answering the questions I DO know the answers to (I say the same things 100 times a day, 5 days a week), I have techs jumping in the window, telling me (in front of the customer) that I am wrong, wrong, wrong. There have been “policy changes” (which no one bothered to tell me, and I am the “first line of defense”). I feel undermined, stupid and basically useless. Seriously, if you do not want the window or my job…STOP doing it! They jump in after the fact, during the fact and frankly, I know things change on a dime and I can hang if I am kept in the loop…but the time to inform me of the policy changes is not in front of the customer and the way to tell me is not in condescending manner as if I am the retarded kid in the class.
Well, Friday I was told how wrong, wrong, wrong I was at least 5 consecutive times and that is when Ghetto Girl came out, loud and strong. She told the techs they were knowitall bitches who could go fuck themselves in the ass. She told them they were all bullshit and full of shit and if they wanted the goddamned window so badly, they could have it. She had other ways of making money AND Reliable One, had left better jobs and they could all have a turn in the spotlight that is the walk up window on a weekly basis. No wonder they were all whiny bitches who could not get their work done…they were too busy trying to do mine. She yelled that they were all permanent employees who would have a job whether the window closed or not…she needed the window and instead of helping someone keep a job, all they were doing was hurting her chances, and she needed absolutely NO help with losing a job. She told them to kiss her fat, black ass and she was going to lunch and may not be back…she was sick. Cough cough, puke puke.
My manager showed up in the middle of the tirade and when she asked what was wrong all I/Ghetto Girl could do was cry and scream “fucking shit”. She immediately took me to the bathroom where I could somewhat explain the situation, and she told me it was okay. She has seen what was going on and she understood my frustration but to just come to her with questions and to establish boundaries…after all, the window is my space, not theirs. There are no policy changes and she makes sure that when things do change, we ALL get the memo. And no one was sick or going home…lunch and work was on the agenda. So I am beyond grateful to my manager, but I still have the anger. It was there Friday when I returned from lunch (it was so quiet, you could hear an ant piss on cotton) and had a couple of one on ones with the techs…but Ghetto Girl is still lingering. She is telling me that she isn’t going to go off any longer on them….when they pull their stunts, she/I are going to be sick, have a family emergency, something to get us out of the office and back home so the ones who know my job so well can do it. They will never know I am lying. She is trying to talk me into taking Monday off and maybe Tuesday also…they want my job, let them have it ….we are looking at Philly anyway. I am trying to shut her up as I type.
So there it is…in a way, it is a different kind of update, showing the progressions, regressions and where things have not changed much at all in my life and the process. Now to get a nap, followed by a shower and get ready for some football (three words: N.F.L.) before cooking dinner. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!