Going to start this post off with news that will make some people very happy: my arrangement ads are G-O-N-E. It was a tougher choice to make than I thought but the facts that there were more flaky responses than viable ones, the safety/danger element, my full time day job and the fact that I want a real relationship outweighed the one pro the ads had going for them: I could make a day’s pay in one hour. Except those hours were far and few between. I have 30 days to renew the ads should I choose to do so…at first, I told myself I was going to see how the next 2-3 weeks go. A random hour here and there makes a difference, but do not think I am.
So onto the reason for the title that made you look at his post…since the last time I posted, a lot has happened and it all has to do with men. Strange to think not a year ago (or was it two months ago?) I swore I would never find someone to like, let alone love and was doomed to spend my remaining years alone with cats. Strange how I thought I would have nothing right left to give someone who deserved it and that my issues and I were doomed to spend eternity dancing our macabre tango. The past 7 days have me breaking free of chains that have held me down for far too long and falling in like with a guy so different from everyone else, I am effin’ scared.
The Misses: AFO is the first miss. He emailed me this past week and when I saw his name in my inbox, I had a little jump in my tummy and was actually happy to see it. I wanted to tell him that someone did think of him every so often, prayed for his safety and even though I wasn’t the girl left behind, I did want him home. Except he comes at me with how disappointed he is in my bitterness and I need to get over it. Okay. And then I realized that my empathy, sympathy and feeling sorry for his decisions was yet another waste of emotion. This is a man who has told me that yes, he used me and was using me again…and not even using me in a way that would be/could be pleasurable to both of us if even for a little while. Fuck him. I am no longer wasting time, energy or emotion on someone so ungrateful and undeserving. I did not respond…just deleted and continued on with my day (after telling the Panel).
The second Miss is Work Boyfriend…I know, I fell out of my seat also when he showed up at my window. Swear, all I need is Him to return and the Circle of Idiots is complete. I had seen WB in the lobby of the building earlier in the morning and did not even recognize him. He spoke to me and maybe 5 minutes later while smoking my cigarette did I realize who he was. He came to the window while I was at lunch and when Smart One greeted him and asked how could he help him, WB wanted to know where I was as I was the only one who could help him. Smart one said I was not there and WB apparently got a little agitated and insisted I WAS there…he SAW me. That is when he was told I was at lunch. Later that afternoon, WB shows up again, telling me he knew what he wanted now and he was ready. He wants to rekindle the spark (ironic that the two men who made the Miss List used the same phrase) and keep the flame going between us. I just looked at him…I had no idea what else to do. I have nothing to say to WB…his actions, game playing and lies have pretty much rendered me speechless. When he saw no response was forthcoming, he advised me to think on it and he would see me soon. The man is an idiot. And a douche.
The Maybe: No one knows this guy and I am going to call him The Man with the Biblical Name (MBN for short). I met him via the ads and he is pretty much a regular. He is tall, funny, an IT professional who is single, a workaholic and has a sick dog. Conversation flows easily between us, he returns the favors (very well) and has apparently lost his mind. He texted me to tell me he wants to see me again, but he wants to be the only one. He does not mind the financials, but hopes I do not view him as a john or a trick…he is digging me on a whole different level, he thinks I am beautiful and funny and terrific and wants status with me. He wants us to go out to dinners, movies and a weekend in Ocean City next month. Well, I am all.for.that. I told him that the ads were expiring and I did not view him as a trick or john…never had. And I do not view any of the men I have met/been with via the ads that way. We are all looking for something. However, there are two things that are not necessarily red flags but they are observations that make me hesitant to give him status: the man is scared of rain…he will flake in a heartbeat at the mere mention of rain and I cannot be viewing weather reports trying to plan a social life for me and my man around rain. The other thing is, I think he does miss me when we are not together, but he does not realize it until we are together…if that makes sense. I am not quite an afterthought, but thoughts of me are prompted by the carnal…and not sure that is a good thing, especially if he wants status.
The Hit: I am going to preface this by saying I am not used to normal. I come from a background of abuse in personal relationships: rapes, beatings, disrespect and mistreatment. The extremely abnormal has been my normal. I have grown accustomed to lies, being used and being left. I give my all to men I truly like/love/care for and about and I get left, which tells me my best is not good enough. It tells me I am not pretty enough, not sexy enough, that I am lacking in some area. This thing with Country Boy has me waiting for the big “FOOLED YOU”, it has me wondering what is wrong with him because I am fat and have a missing tooth and am completely issue laden and just so many other things. I am searching for what’s wrong and nitpicking over every little thing and I am just going to STOP. Whatever it is, it makes me happy and Lord knows, it is beyond time to move beyond what I am used to and enjoy what I deserve. Oh, and according to Weekend Phone Friend, the only one harping on my weight and a long gone tooth is ME. No one else.
So, in my last blog post I told you all how I accused CB of seeking out others via adult internet sites and vented how he was unavailable and mentally deficient. I told you all how he said unfortunately he did not find nor look for someone else. Well, not long after I posted, he emailed. He told me that what he meant to say was “unfortunately for you”. He told me that when he responded to my ad, he was lonely and looking…he liked the way I presented myself and when we met, I was so many other things he was definitely not expecting. He does not view me as that girl…..why do I want to label him as that guy? (And none of this was said in a mean or angry way…just very calm and laid back) CB then goes on to say that he has not seen or been with anyone since me…if he had time for that, it would be spent with me. He wants dinners with me…even if it meant nothing more than pieces of bread, if it is with me, it is a feast. He is loathe to use the word relationship because he has HUGE trust issues (the only thing I could think of when he said that was after work, we could exchange phones and scroll through them) but wants an ongoing, regular friendship with me that would involve trust, communication, comfort and as much time spent together as we could manage. By now, I am feeling lower than a snake’s belly but super excited…the man is sounding like the lead in a Drew Barrymore rom-com.
CB validates me all the time…he tells me all the time how beautiful I am, how great my personality is, that I am super cute in all my outfits (even though he has yet to see one of them). Hell, he even likes the drama I seem to attract. He makes me feel special and wanted. He wants to know what my goals are, what motivates me, what I want to do…anytime and anywhere. He does want the physical but says there is plenty of time for that and for more than a onetime thing. His contract expired last week…yet, he is asking me about my day, am I feeling alright? He has started sharing funny and interesting emails his dad sends him with me, and asked my opinion on some job listings. NO ONE I have been intimate with (even the relationshits) has asked for my input on a damn thing. With him, I feel like my brain is out of sequence but in a good way. All the endings I have in my head for us…he does the opposite. He keeps talking, keeps validating, stops the arguments before they start, keeps stoking hope until I can no longer contain it.
But I still nitpick, but not with him. He still is not spending time with me I whine and complain to the Panel…Morning Person nipped that one in the bud. The man finds time to email me 2-3 times a day (and got one at 12:30 this morning after he spent the day with his kids at their games and the movies)….it may not be spending time the way I envision it, but it is time spent. When the time is right, we will be seeing each other…for now, just enjoy getting to know one another. I ask what is wrong with him, does he not see me?? Honeybee says of course he has seen you..and without any clothes on. She asked me why was I scared someone finally saw the beauty inside and out and was caught up in the magic and wonderment that is me? And I told her the truth: because no one has ever been interested in me after the fact…unless it was to get some more of my “fact”. No one had ever taken the time to find out about ME.
And I feel guilty…he has not been with or seen anyone in any capacity; it is work, kids and emailing me. I have been on two dinner dates, saw the Man with the Biblical Name and had an arrangement date. Feisty One says that all that has to end…the man is a single father giving me what time he has. I need to give him a chance…he’s giving me one. And CB played a big role in letting the ads expire…one thing the entire Panel agreed upon (independently…no one knows what the other said) is that with his trust issues, CB is probably checking to see if the ads have been renewed or removed, and maybe he will put forth more efforts knowing that they are gone. For now, I am trying to stay in the moment and just see what the day brings but please know I am ready to give up a few dollars for the chance at something normal, healthy and hopefully long term.
I am letting guards down, putting issues and baggage away (slowly) and letting hope rule supreme. I’m falling for him, readers…falling hard. And I am so very, very scared….