Reflections of an Introspection

I have not meant to go so long without blogging. It is not for lack of things to talk about, write out and analyze but rather life itself has gotten in the way. Flossie (my trusty laptop) is dying. In fact, she is gasping and wheezing as I type this. My abdominal pain has flared back up and I was flat on my back for 5 days straight. The assignment has been extended until March 2014, with extensions afterwards if I am not made permanent. A pay raise is supposedly in the works but no word from the temp agency or the client, so we will see. In the meantime, tasks and responsibilities continue to grow and I swear, there are just not enough hours in the work day and not enough of me to go around to even feel productive. And I have been approached by another agency whom I have authorized to represent me to their client; the client is offering more money, a shorter commute and a guarantee of permanency upon successful completion of the assignment. So there is a lot of stuff on a lot of plates, and in the middle of it all, my 47th birthday snuck up on me.

I am 3 years away from being half a hundred…I damn sure don’t look it and I do not feel it (even in pain and walking with a cane), but I do feel time is running out to do things, to be things. I feel like an old, desperate spinster who is watching life pass her by rather than being an active participant in her own life. I have been doing a lot of thinking about where I want to be on my 48th birthday, and right now…it isn’t here. I am really good at making bad decisions, and while I know shortchanging and settling has brought me here, I cannot help but wonder if I am at an age and place where standing firm on what I know is needed and wanted in my life on an emotional level may be doing more harm than good. Half a cow is better than no cow, right?

But I am thinking that I would rather have no cow than half of one…why continue on a path that I know leads to dissatisfaction? I had a date Saturday evening with a guy who answered a CL ad I posted. It was the day before my birthday and frankly, I did not want to be alone. I needed some face to face interaction with someone new, someone who would give me attention and compliments. And the guy came though…he met me at the subway, we enjoyed a great Chinese dinner and enjoyed The Butler. He was shy at first, but warmed up quickly and had interesting conversation. He found me funny, cute, sexy and kind. We shared popcorn during the movie and he asked if he could hold my hand, and when we parted, he asked if we could see each other again. Except he is married…to an alcoholic who (according to him) stays in a stupor 99% of the time, so his schedule is his own. I give him credit for originality with the story, but not only is he married, he lied by omission. I specifically asked the man be single and while he never said he was, he also did not volunteer the information. So while I had a great time with the guy, I already know it won’t be repeated as I cannot trust a liar.

I have also been doing some thinking about removing some people from my life..specifically, revamping my Panel. It hurts to even think about it, but things have changed. I am no longer broken or stupid (at least not as stupid)…I may be great at making bad decisions, but I am also learning I am getting pretty good at talking myself out of making the bad decisions. Yeah, I still find myself wanting to reach out to him when I hear the stories, but I now realize that any man who marries a BTH/BTGD and allows the shit that has transpired since his marriage…one is liable to hear and see just about anything and it should no longer be a surprise. Yes, I think about throwing standards and expectations out the window, but you know what? I am not what others think of me, I am not all flaws and imperfections…I am beautiful and wonderful and if I have to wait for the man who will see it and appreciate it, wait I will. So I no longer need my Panel the way I have needed them for the past 2 ½ years. And I think we all know it.

I planned a birthday lunch the Friday before my birthday. Granted, it was during work hours and I invited members I thought would be able to make it…and the one person who did show up came from the longest distance and invited themselves. Quiet One and Chef (who were maybe a 20 minute car ride away) bailed at the last minute…and Chef did not even bother to talk to me until after the lunch. I did get phone calls and FB wishes from some members for my birthday but Cuz…no word from him except a text message and a message on a social site we are both members of. There are so many members I no longer talk to simply because we are all living our own lives now and maybe it was my heartbreak and mental breakdown that united us. I know I am tired of being the one who has to put forth all the efforts when I do not have the luxuries that many of the Panel have…a car being one, extended lunches being another. And in the case of Quiet One, I would shell out for the rental car, make the trek to the Island from DC and she still would not go to lunch! I have friends who ignore my phone calls and emails and that really pisses me off…what the hell is it to pick up the phone?

I just feel that either I am outgrowing some people or that they have outgrown me….I am seeing flaws and I feel taken for granted, but again that could be me. Because I am the one who will answer the phone when you call (unless I am deeply asleep) and no matter what the hell I am going through, I still make time to help with the drama and the stupidity that others bring to me. I am the one with the ear and the shoulder, but I could only get one person to help me celebrate my birthday. Seriously, this is why I am on CL looking for a movie buddy or a dinner partner…because no one has time, inclination and/or money to do things with me. It isn’t every member of my Panel (and UTA is exempt), but it is enough to make me realize that I am the one putting forth more than my share of efforts…I swear, it is like I am back in one of my fucked up relationships holding onto to something that is no longer there.

Not sure what to do , but in the upcoming year, changes are coming. I am going to think long and hard about this though…I admit I am writing/thinking out of hurt feelings and I need to sort through and see how much validity there is to this. I am going to stand firm on the emotional/sexual though…seriously, I would rather be dissatisfied and single than dissatisfied and in a relationship. I need standards and expectations and a man who will not think those are foreign objects or think I am a bitch to have them. Okay, it is after midnight (I am officially 47 and one day), I have work tomorrow and some thinking to do. My next post will be an update on the Panel and reason to keep them or let them go. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

2 thoughts on “Reflections of an Introspection

  1. I feel you on the friends front. It’s hard to feel like you’re the only one putting forth any effort in any relationship, even friendships. I’ve learned to quietly let those friendships go and it’s always been for the best. Ever hear the quote that says people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime? Maybe some of the panel members have fulfilled their reasons and seasons.

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