Temporary Insanity

I have been doing some thinking (if you know me, you know that unless life has gone to hell in a handbasket, this can be quite a scary thing) and back to reading Craigslist ads. So far, a recipe for disaster. Oh, let’s not forget I have been overhearing conversations and making observations , which throws yet another monkey wrench into the mix. Fair warning, this post may not come across as coherent, may be crude and you will probably read/see/hear things that have been said before (many times before), but bear with me. Please. As the title tells you, I went a little bit crazy for a short amount of time…talking folks off ledges sometimes requires a lot of repetition.

Let’s begin with a bit of background on me and my state of mind/being recently…not as lonely as I have been (the overwhelming feelings of loneliness have subsided) but still wanting to find someone of the opposite sex to at least be a movie partner. I occasionally miss the touch of a man but between the hit or miss arrangements and porn, I am able to keep the physical urges under control. And remember when I posted about the dude wanting the car date? Yeah, well….I finally took him up on his offer…he wrote again, apologized and since I was broke, I went for it…and we are now pretty much an ongoing thing. We have met three times and each time….it seems to get more intense. We do not do much (how can we in a Honda Pilot?), but I find him attractive, he finds me sexy and he gives great dirty talk and spankings. Remember this part..it comes into play later. I am also running low on patience…I have worked long and hard to shed myself of the toxic relationships (some still linger) but I think I am ready for something…and even though I blogged about what I don’t want…I am ready to make adjustments. Maybe.

So while I am in this wishy-washy, conflicted mindset (and all of this will be news to my Panel…I have not uttered a word), I am going to work where I see Sweet One doing her best Sister Someone impression with The Good Looking One, who has told her he does not want a relationship…frequent sex, a movie here and there and drinks after work is all he is offering…and none of it will be exclusive as he wishes to keep his options open. Then I have Feisty One who says that being single is overrated and this is why she is seeing a married man, except she really isn’t seeing him….she spends most evenings and weekends alone, crying and being faithful. Okay, so I am seeing Married Man all over again in that situation and with Sweet One…I am going with AFO. But, in MY mind….I see me being over both of those men and what I went through with them and thinking being single can be a mixed bag, but why not take advantage of it to explore MY options? After all, single women are supposedly the envy of everyone…dates, sex, and no one to answer to about it.

But those are emotionally balanced and emotionally healthy single women…I am neither. I am affection starved, have trust issues, validation issues, and the only reason I know a healthy relationship when I see it is because of my parents. In spite of all of this, I have been considering an FWB (God, how desperate and foreign does that sound coming from a woman who is almost half a hundred??) or a part time lover…without the financial aspect involved…and my first choice would be the Lunch Dude. Don’t ask me why… to be specific, I know nothing about this man save his first name, that he shoots heavy loads and he has no other free time other than his lunch hour. To be general, married men already have someone to talk to, they have someone to go out with…apparently what they don’t have is someone to give them handjobs, blowjobs and slightly kinky sex. And I already know I want someone I can have a mental connection with, someone I can get to know and who will get to know me, someone who will accompany me to movies and dinners as well as curl my toes.

If I veer away from the married men….single men in my age group are far and few between and most of them want someone younger, skinnier and shorter. There are younger men out there who would love the chance to get with a mature, voluptuous woman…but younger means usually they cannot host (roommates, parents), the immaturity is definitely coupled with disrespect when not given their way and inadequacy issues. It also means that 7 times out of 10, there is a girlfriend somewhere and if I am looking for a single man, I mean single. If I find a happy medium…between the diaper to diaper stage and before mid-life crisis sets in…they are workaholics who can find time to have sex but no time to talk, go out or even remember my phone number until it is time to meet again.

For this to work (I thought), I would have to state my references and stick to them as closely as possible but apparently, a black woman seeking a white man is on par with being a pedophile or child killer. Yet black men seek women of other races all the time and nothing is said. Which means I would be dealing with haters and hate mail while searching through the idiotic responses. And that is only one preference…afraid what the remainder of them will yield. But now that I have had time to think (I have spent the weekend in bed nursing my abdominal pain), I am setting myself up for disaster and another year (at least) of drama. There are so many things wrong with this (for me at least)….first, taking the financial aspect off the table. Right now, as fucked as it is, I need that. I need to be able to walk away with no stings, no sense of responsibility and obligation and since I do not have a penis that computes my thought processes…this is the next best thing, Secondly, I am considering being with another married man freely? I have been hit with the crazy stick for real! And I know this is yet another fucked up thing, but when it is a “business” transaction, I do not feel as if I am helping him cheat…but if I went into it on an emotional basis (and despite what I say, once money is off the table, it ALL becomes emotional)..it would be cheating. And lastly, I am depriving myself of what I know I need and want most…intimacy and not of a sexual kind. Yes, it is a lot of work getting to know someone but I am willing to do so because I do want something meaningful, I do want a connection…what I was proposing to myself was worse than what the men advertising are offering. After all, I know me and am supposed to like and love me. Yet, I am willing to shortchange myself?

Of course, these revelations come to me after I already answered a couple of ads thinking my Pinky and the Brain plan was just the best thing ever. One guy asked me if I were ready to meet immediately (11pm) and all I had done was say I may be interested…all we knew of each other were anonymous CL email addresses. I think I need to know a little bit more about you so I have a better chance of not ending up in a deep freezer. There was one guy who I exchanged a grand total of 4 emails with before he flaked and one guy who wrote a very intelligent and well-crafted post…yet when he responded, he wrote/spoke like a kindergartener with a limited grasp of the alphabet. Lord, not asking for the smartest man out there, but at least be literate, articulate and have an IQ above 70. Please.

So after this long, somewhat convoluted post, I am back to where I started…flying solo(in more ways than one), being single and developing a new appreciation for porn. Fucked up boundaries are still in place, standards are not being lowered and expectations abound…yeah, I have them and so does everyone else. I will just try to keep mine tucked away as much as possible. Now trying to figure out how to get someone to take sexy pics of me to update the arrangement ads (hey, if they are still looking, I am willing to refresh and update to keep it coming (no pun intended) without them wanting something sexual in return. Maybe Honeybee is available if I offer up free babysitting…..the favors I ask of my friends.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

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