This blog post is going to be all over the place. A lot is happening and it has me confused and not sure if I can keep up. Let’s start with my last blog post… I talked about how people outgrew each other and possibly revamping the Panel. Artsy Craftsy laughed at the thought and I am sure quite a few thought I was throwing a pity party. New Mommy thought maybe dismantling the Panel altogether would be a good thing, but I do not want to dismantle anything. I NEED a Panel. I am entering a new phase of the life cycle and I need advice and adult supervision when it comes to the new job, dating (real dating) and financial responsibility. What I need is a Panel that can be social with me (especially if I am in their neck of the woods) and if not grow with me (trust me, for some of them, this would be a step backwards), show me how to utilize all the lessons I learned. I think UTA had the best advice… some people are in our life for a season or a reason, and when their job is done, let them quietly go.
So it has been a pretty quiet summer…I like to think of it as summer vacation, taking a break from the drama. Settling into new routines, meeting new people, learning new things. But school is starting back up and I present to you today a tale of two men…one you know, one you don’t. This isn’t me all up in my head (well, maybe a little bit), but the fact of the matter is with a new me trying to emerge and apply all the great, healthy things I read, see and write to me and my life has me confused, leery and wary. Okay, enough with the introductions…let’s just get to it.
Country Boy: This is a guy that I could fall for. I think…there are pros and cons. We met via my arrangement ad, and two things that made him stand out was his well written, grammatically correct response and the fact that he wanted to email with me so we could get a feel for each other before actually meeting. I have had guys who wanted to email, but after awhile, you can spot the ones who are just looking to waste/pass time, or get some sort of porn in print to jack off to…but CB was different. We talked about work, TV shows (we both like(d) Whodunnit), movies, being single in the city, told each other funny stories and he told me about himself. He is a lawyer (contractor/temp), divorced, father of two (girl who is 11 and a boy who is 15), he coaches the son’s baseball team and is an okay cook.
We met (he was punctual, I wasn’t) and since we never exchanged face pics, neither knew what to expect. He is tall (when we hugged, I could lay my head in the curve between the neck and shoulder), clean shaven, prematurely gray and has some meat on his bones (which I like!) and he told me I was prettier and sexier than he had imagined and I had an amazing body. We talked some more, watched football and did what he came to do…and he is an amazing kisser. Cute faces and good kissers get me every time. I was ready to take him in my bed, and we ALL know what that means, but I held off. And we continued the chat after he left. We still email everyday and I don’t know. He has kids (you all know how I feel about men with children but for some reason, I do not seem to mind with this guy), and limited time. He says he wants to see me again, but I want to see him outside the bedroom….and I decided after two weeks of emails and already doing most of the dirty deed, to see how he felt about grabbing dinner and maybe a movie. Dutch. No answer. Not sure if I have overstepped boundaries (again, I am mixing business with pleasure), if he is not interested in me unless I am in lingerie or he is thinking things over (single dad with a very recent divorce…he may be wanting to experience single life and sees this as some sort of back where I was again scenario). I am a little bummed, but not going to stress over it…he is a nice guy who I would like to get to know better to see if the smiles and butterflies his emails give me are justified, to see if he is both fun and funny, to see just how skilled/passionate a lover he is and really curious if he does return the favor. I’ll keep you posted on this one, if there is an update to give.
AFO: The man is a lecherous, batshit crazy demon. He has returned from wherever the hell he has been, and has done it with pockets filled with full moons and crazy.ness. And I am feeding into it and going along with it (more on this later). Once again, he reached out to me via my ad (apparently it is good for business and for crazy ass flings/exes to find you), once again he did not remember my name but he remembers the amazing and exciting times we had (the man will not shut.up. about me inserting the dildo in his ass), the care and kindness I showed him and he wants us to rekindle the spark, try again and this time…he is going to do better by me. He is in Afghanistan now, and has done some soul searching and it has changed his perspective.
I cursed him out… he says he knows he ruined things and won’t bother me again, but every day, I have 2-3 emails from him. Now, for him to have this sudden epiphany about what matters in life, he keeps asking for pictures, for me to get Skype (anyone else remember when I was willing to get Skype the last time he left because we were going to try at a relationship then? Yeah, he ignored me) and to relive in print our sexual escapades. He says he wants a relationship but long distance relationships are hard and he keeps his barriers up, so no promises. I asked him point blank what would be different this time around, especially with thousands of miles separating us and incredible mixed signals already being sent out…and no answer. Oscar said it best…he cannot answer because he knows it won’t be different. I told him TWICE I have fallen, gotten hurt and had to forget…all by his hand. I do not have it in me for a third time. And then I felt all guilty and confused because I denied the people pleaser in me and put myself first.
Well, it was a waste of emotion…he came back the next day asking about white socks and had I found someone new…and I asked him point blank, why ME? The woman whose name you cannot remember, the woman who you ignore and treat like shit when things are good….why is she the one you turn to when your life is all fucked up? I mean, I get it….he is in Afghanistan, he is lonely and probably scared and far away from creature comforts, sharing a tent with 4 other men and hanging blankets for privacy. I get that. What I do not get is why always come back to me instead of the multiple other women you have…and then I wonder to myself why couldn’t it be Him instead of AFO. His answer was I deserve truthful answers to my questions and he would do some soul searching.
So, I felt horrible about rejecting him…I was thinking why I would feel that way when all I did was stick up for myself…but the truth is, I have never, ever stood up for myself or put my happiness first. Not with family (I call it peacekeeping) and certainly not with a man. Yeah, that is how unhealthy I am…doing the right thing is foreign and takes me out of my comfort zone. As for me feeding into the bullshit (and that is all it is…he will use me and toss me aside as soon as he hits US soil again)….I have questions for both AFO and Him, and why not? These are two men I fell for hard, gave them pretty much all the good things in me and both just up and left as if I were a meal they were tired of eating. Just because I stopped asking the questions does not mean they have disappeared…and with AFO, I have a chance (slim as hell) to get answers.
I have zero idea what to do with either situation….do I pursue Country Boy for an answer or just let him fall off the face of the internet world? Do I believe AFO if he does give me an answer? Will I let the compassionate/people pleaser side of me become AFO’s penpal so he feels some sort of connection or do I leave him to make his way in the world the way he has no problem doing me? Hell, I am looking for answers and I have none for myself…how can I expect anyone else to have them for me? How can new me emerge when old me is firmly ingrained…seriously, it was almost painful to reject the man who rejects me as soon as he has the opportunity. It took every ounce of courage I had to ask out a man that I met in an unhealthy environment in an effort to see if he could show me healthy…and for now, that too has ended in rejection. I don’t know what to do, so I will do what I do best: overthink .
As always, thank you for reading (hoping I made sense and do not look too big a fool) and as usual….enjoy your day!