Ramblings of a Wounded Heart

This blog post is going to be all over the place. A lot is happening and it has me confused and not sure if I can keep up. Let’s start with my last blog post… I talked about how people outgrew each other and possibly revamping the Panel. Artsy Craftsy laughed at the thought and I am sure quite a few thought I was throwing a pity party. New Mommy thought maybe dismantling the Panel altogether would be a good thing, but I do not want to dismantle anything. I NEED a Panel. I am entering a new phase of the life cycle and I need advice and adult supervision when it comes to the new job, dating (real dating) and financial responsibility. What I need is a Panel that can be social with me (especially if I am in their neck of the woods) and if not grow with me (trust me, for some of them, this would be a step backwards), show me how to utilize all the lessons I learned. I think UTA had the best advice… some people are in our life for a season or a reason, and when their job is done, let them quietly go.

So it has been a pretty quiet summer…I like to think of it as summer vacation, taking a break from the drama. Settling into new routines, meeting new people, learning new things. But school is starting back up and I present to you today a tale of two men…one you know, one you don’t. This isn’t me all up in my head (well, maybe a little bit), but the fact of the matter is with a new me trying to emerge and apply all the great, healthy things I read, see and write to me and my life has me confused, leery and wary. Okay, enough with the introductions…let’s just get to it.

Country Boy: This is a guy that I could fall for. I think…there are pros and cons. We met via my arrangement ad, and two things that made him stand out was his well written, grammatically correct response and the fact that he wanted to email with me so we could get a feel for each other before actually meeting. I have had guys who wanted to email, but after awhile, you can spot the ones who are just looking to waste/pass time, or get some sort of porn in print to jack off to…but CB was different. We talked about work, TV shows (we both like(d) Whodunnit), movies, being single in the city, told each other funny stories and he told me about himself. He is a lawyer (contractor/temp), divorced, father of two (girl who is 11 and a boy who is 15), he coaches the son’s baseball team and is an okay cook.

We met (he was punctual, I wasn’t) and since we never exchanged face pics, neither knew what to expect. He is tall (when we hugged, I could lay my head in the curve between the neck and shoulder), clean shaven, prematurely gray and has some meat on his bones (which I like!) and he told me I was prettier and sexier than he had imagined and I had an amazing body. We talked some more, watched football and did what he came to do…and he is an amazing kisser. Cute faces and good kissers get me every time. I was ready to take him in my bed, and we ALL know what that means, but I held off. And we continued the chat after he left. We still email everyday and I don’t know. He has kids (you all know how I feel about men with children but for some reason, I do not seem to mind with this guy), and limited time. He says he wants to see me again, but I want to see him outside the bedroom….and I decided after two weeks of emails and already doing most of the dirty deed, to see how he felt about grabbing dinner and maybe a movie. Dutch. No answer. Not sure if I have overstepped boundaries (again, I am mixing business with pleasure), if he is not interested in me unless I am in lingerie or he is thinking things over (single dad with a very recent divorce…he may be wanting to experience single life and sees this as some sort of back where I was again scenario). I am a little bummed, but not going to stress over it…he is a nice guy who I would like to get to know better to see if the smiles and butterflies his emails give me are justified, to see if he is both fun and funny, to see just how skilled/passionate a lover he is and really curious if he does return the favor. I’ll keep you posted on this one, if there is an update to give.

AFO: The man is a lecherous, batshit crazy demon. He has returned from wherever the hell he has been, and has done it with pockets filled with full moons and crazy.ness. And I am feeding into it and going along with it (more on this later). Once again, he reached out to me via my ad (apparently it is good for business and for crazy ass flings/exes to find you), once again he did not remember my name but he remembers the amazing and exciting times we had (the man will not shut.up. about me inserting the dildo in his ass), the care and kindness I showed him and he wants us to rekindle the spark, try again and this time…he is going to do better by me. He is in Afghanistan now, and has done some soul searching and it has changed his perspective.

I cursed him out… he says he knows he ruined things and won’t bother me again, but every day, I have 2-3 emails from him. Now, for him to have this sudden epiphany about what matters in life, he keeps asking for pictures, for me to get Skype (anyone else remember when I was willing to get Skype the last time he left because we were going to try at a relationship then? Yeah, he ignored me) and to relive in print our sexual escapades. He says he wants a relationship but long distance relationships are hard and he keeps his barriers up, so no promises. I asked him point blank what would be different this time around, especially with thousands of miles separating us and incredible mixed signals already being sent out…and no answer. Oscar said it best…he cannot answer because he knows it won’t be different. I told him TWICE I have fallen, gotten hurt and had to forget…all by his hand. I do not have it in me for a third time. And then I felt all guilty and confused because I denied the people pleaser in me and put myself first.

Well, it was a waste of emotion…he came back the next day asking about white socks and had I found someone new…and I asked him point blank, why ME? The woman whose name you cannot remember, the woman who you ignore and treat like shit when things are good….why is she the one you turn to when your life is all fucked up? I mean, I get it….he is in Afghanistan, he is lonely and probably scared and far away from creature comforts, sharing a tent with 4 other men and hanging blankets for privacy. I get that. What I do not get is why always come back to me instead of the multiple other women you have…and then I wonder to myself why couldn’t it be Him instead of AFO. His answer was I deserve truthful answers to my questions and he would do some soul searching.

So, I felt horrible about rejecting him…I was thinking why I would feel that way when all I did was stick up for myself…but the truth is, I have never, ever stood up for myself or put my happiness first. Not with family (I call it peacekeeping) and certainly not with a man. Yeah, that is how unhealthy I am…doing the right thing is foreign and takes me out of my comfort zone. As for me feeding into the bullshit (and that is all it is…he will use me and toss me aside as soon as he hits US soil again)….I have questions for both AFO and Him, and why not? These are two men I fell for hard, gave them pretty much all the good things in me and both just up and left as if I were a meal they were tired of eating. Just because I stopped asking the questions does not mean they have disappeared…and with AFO, I have a chance (slim as hell) to get answers.

I have zero idea what to do with either situation….do I pursue Country Boy for an answer or just let him fall off the face of the internet world? Do I believe AFO if he does give me an answer? Will I let the compassionate/people pleaser side of me become AFO’s penpal so he feels some sort of connection or do I leave him to make his way in the world the way he has no problem doing me? Hell, I am looking for answers and I have none for myself…how can I expect anyone else to have them for me? How can new me emerge when old me is firmly ingrained…seriously, it was almost painful to reject the man who rejects me as soon as he has the opportunity. It took every ounce of courage I had to ask out a man that I met in an unhealthy environment in an effort to see if he could show me healthy…and for now, that too has ended in rejection. I don’t know what to do, so I will do what I do best: overthink .

As always, thank you for reading (hoping I made sense and do not look too big a fool) and as usual….enjoy your day!

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Reflections of an Introspection

I have not meant to go so long without blogging. It is not for lack of things to talk about, write out and analyze but rather life itself has gotten in the way. Flossie (my trusty laptop) is dying. In fact, she is gasping and wheezing as I type this. My abdominal pain has flared back up and I was flat on my back for 5 days straight. The assignment has been extended until March 2014, with extensions afterwards if I am not made permanent. A pay raise is supposedly in the works but no word from the temp agency or the client, so we will see. In the meantime, tasks and responsibilities continue to grow and I swear, there are just not enough hours in the work day and not enough of me to go around to even feel productive. And I have been approached by another agency whom I have authorized to represent me to their client; the client is offering more money, a shorter commute and a guarantee of permanency upon successful completion of the assignment. So there is a lot of stuff on a lot of plates, and in the middle of it all, my 47th birthday snuck up on me.

I am 3 years away from being half a hundred…I damn sure don’t look it and I do not feel it (even in pain and walking with a cane), but I do feel time is running out to do things, to be things. I feel like an old, desperate spinster who is watching life pass her by rather than being an active participant in her own life. I have been doing a lot of thinking about where I want to be on my 48th birthday, and right now…it isn’t here. I am really good at making bad decisions, and while I know shortchanging and settling has brought me here, I cannot help but wonder if I am at an age and place where standing firm on what I know is needed and wanted in my life on an emotional level may be doing more harm than good. Half a cow is better than no cow, right?

But I am thinking that I would rather have no cow than half of one…why continue on a path that I know leads to dissatisfaction? I had a date Saturday evening with a guy who answered a CL ad I posted. It was the day before my birthday and frankly, I did not want to be alone. I needed some face to face interaction with someone new, someone who would give me attention and compliments. And the guy came though…he met me at the subway, we enjoyed a great Chinese dinner and enjoyed The Butler. He was shy at first, but warmed up quickly and had interesting conversation. He found me funny, cute, sexy and kind. We shared popcorn during the movie and he asked if he could hold my hand, and when we parted, he asked if we could see each other again. Except he is married…to an alcoholic who (according to him) stays in a stupor 99% of the time, so his schedule is his own. I give him credit for originality with the story, but not only is he married, he lied by omission. I specifically asked the man be single and while he never said he was, he also did not volunteer the information. So while I had a great time with the guy, I already know it won’t be repeated as I cannot trust a liar.

I have also been doing some thinking about removing some people from my life..specifically, revamping my Panel. It hurts to even think about it, but things have changed. I am no longer broken or stupid (at least not as stupid)…I may be great at making bad decisions, but I am also learning I am getting pretty good at talking myself out of making the bad decisions. Yeah, I still find myself wanting to reach out to him when I hear the stories, but I now realize that any man who marries a BTH/BTGD and allows the shit that has transpired since his marriage…one is liable to hear and see just about anything and it should no longer be a surprise. Yes, I think about throwing standards and expectations out the window, but you know what? I am not what others think of me, I am not all flaws and imperfections…I am beautiful and wonderful and if I have to wait for the man who will see it and appreciate it, wait I will. So I no longer need my Panel the way I have needed them for the past 2 ½ years. And I think we all know it.

I planned a birthday lunch the Friday before my birthday. Granted, it was during work hours and I invited members I thought would be able to make it…and the one person who did show up came from the longest distance and invited themselves. Quiet One and Chef (who were maybe a 20 minute car ride away) bailed at the last minute…and Chef did not even bother to talk to me until after the lunch. I did get phone calls and FB wishes from some members for my birthday but Cuz…no word from him except a text message and a message on a social site we are both members of. There are so many members I no longer talk to simply because we are all living our own lives now and maybe it was my heartbreak and mental breakdown that united us. I know I am tired of being the one who has to put forth all the efforts when I do not have the luxuries that many of the Panel have…a car being one, extended lunches being another. And in the case of Quiet One, I would shell out for the rental car, make the trek to the Island from DC and she still would not go to lunch! I have friends who ignore my phone calls and emails and that really pisses me off…what the hell is it to pick up the phone?

I just feel that either I am outgrowing some people or that they have outgrown me….I am seeing flaws and I feel taken for granted, but again that could be me. Because I am the one who will answer the phone when you call (unless I am deeply asleep) and no matter what the hell I am going through, I still make time to help with the drama and the stupidity that others bring to me. I am the one with the ear and the shoulder, but I could only get one person to help me celebrate my birthday. Seriously, this is why I am on CL looking for a movie buddy or a dinner partner…because no one has time, inclination and/or money to do things with me. It isn’t every member of my Panel (and UTA is exempt), but it is enough to make me realize that I am the one putting forth more than my share of efforts…I swear, it is like I am back in one of my fucked up relationships holding onto to something that is no longer there.

Not sure what to do , but in the upcoming year, changes are coming. I am going to think long and hard about this though…I admit I am writing/thinking out of hurt feelings and I need to sort through and see how much validity there is to this. I am going to stand firm on the emotional/sexual though…seriously, I would rather be dissatisfied and single than dissatisfied and in a relationship. I need standards and expectations and a man who will not think those are foreign objects or think I am a bitch to have them. Okay, it is after midnight (I am officially 47 and one day), I have work tomorrow and some thinking to do. My next post will be an update on the Panel and reason to keep them or let them go. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Temporary Insanity

I have been doing some thinking (if you know me, you know that unless life has gone to hell in a handbasket, this can be quite a scary thing) and back to reading Craigslist ads. So far, a recipe for disaster. Oh, let’s not forget I have been overhearing conversations and making observations , which throws yet another monkey wrench into the mix. Fair warning, this post may not come across as coherent, may be crude and you will probably read/see/hear things that have been said before (many times before), but bear with me. Please. As the title tells you, I went a little bit crazy for a short amount of time…talking folks off ledges sometimes requires a lot of repetition.

Let’s begin with a bit of background on me and my state of mind/being recently…not as lonely as I have been (the overwhelming feelings of loneliness have subsided) but still wanting to find someone of the opposite sex to at least be a movie partner. I occasionally miss the touch of a man but between the hit or miss arrangements and porn, I am able to keep the physical urges under control. And remember when I posted about the dude wanting the car date? Yeah, well….I finally took him up on his offer…he wrote again, apologized and since I was broke, I went for it…and we are now pretty much an ongoing thing. We have met three times and each time….it seems to get more intense. We do not do much (how can we in a Honda Pilot?), but I find him attractive, he finds me sexy and he gives great dirty talk and spankings. Remember this part..it comes into play later. I am also running low on patience…I have worked long and hard to shed myself of the toxic relationships (some still linger) but I think I am ready for something…and even though I blogged about what I don’t want…I am ready to make adjustments. Maybe.

So while I am in this wishy-washy, conflicted mindset (and all of this will be news to my Panel…I have not uttered a word), I am going to work where I see Sweet One doing her best Sister Someone impression with The Good Looking One, who has told her he does not want a relationship…frequent sex, a movie here and there and drinks after work is all he is offering…and none of it will be exclusive as he wishes to keep his options open. Then I have Feisty One who says that being single is overrated and this is why she is seeing a married man, except she really isn’t seeing him….she spends most evenings and weekends alone, crying and being faithful. Okay, so I am seeing Married Man all over again in that situation and with Sweet One…I am going with AFO. But, in MY mind….I see me being over both of those men and what I went through with them and thinking being single can be a mixed bag, but why not take advantage of it to explore MY options? After all, single women are supposedly the envy of everyone…dates, sex, and no one to answer to about it.

But those are emotionally balanced and emotionally healthy single women…I am neither. I am affection starved, have trust issues, validation issues, and the only reason I know a healthy relationship when I see it is because of my parents. In spite of all of this, I have been considering an FWB (God, how desperate and foreign does that sound coming from a woman who is almost half a hundred??) or a part time lover…without the financial aspect involved…and my first choice would be the Lunch Dude. Don’t ask me why… to be specific, I know nothing about this man save his first name, that he shoots heavy loads and he has no other free time other than his lunch hour. To be general, married men already have someone to talk to, they have someone to go out with…apparently what they don’t have is someone to give them handjobs, blowjobs and slightly kinky sex. And I already know I want someone I can have a mental connection with, someone I can get to know and who will get to know me, someone who will accompany me to movies and dinners as well as curl my toes.

If I veer away from the married men….single men in my age group are far and few between and most of them want someone younger, skinnier and shorter. There are younger men out there who would love the chance to get with a mature, voluptuous woman…but younger means usually they cannot host (roommates, parents), the immaturity is definitely coupled with disrespect when not given their way and inadequacy issues. It also means that 7 times out of 10, there is a girlfriend somewhere and if I am looking for a single man, I mean single. If I find a happy medium…between the diaper to diaper stage and before mid-life crisis sets in…they are workaholics who can find time to have sex but no time to talk, go out or even remember my phone number until it is time to meet again.

For this to work (I thought), I would have to state my references and stick to them as closely as possible but apparently, a black woman seeking a white man is on par with being a pedophile or child killer. Yet black men seek women of other races all the time and nothing is said. Which means I would be dealing with haters and hate mail while searching through the idiotic responses. And that is only one preference…afraid what the remainder of them will yield. But now that I have had time to think (I have spent the weekend in bed nursing my abdominal pain), I am setting myself up for disaster and another year (at least) of drama. There are so many things wrong with this (for me at least)….first, taking the financial aspect off the table. Right now, as fucked as it is, I need that. I need to be able to walk away with no stings, no sense of responsibility and obligation and since I do not have a penis that computes my thought processes…this is the next best thing, Secondly, I am considering being with another married man freely? I have been hit with the crazy stick for real! And I know this is yet another fucked up thing, but when it is a “business” transaction, I do not feel as if I am helping him cheat…but if I went into it on an emotional basis (and despite what I say, once money is off the table, it ALL becomes emotional)..it would be cheating. And lastly, I am depriving myself of what I know I need and want most…intimacy and not of a sexual kind. Yes, it is a lot of work getting to know someone but I am willing to do so because I do want something meaningful, I do want a connection…what I was proposing to myself was worse than what the men advertising are offering. After all, I know me and am supposed to like and love me. Yet, I am willing to shortchange myself?

Of course, these revelations come to me after I already answered a couple of ads thinking my Pinky and the Brain plan was just the best thing ever. One guy asked me if I were ready to meet immediately (11pm) and all I had done was say I may be interested…all we knew of each other were anonymous CL email addresses. I think I need to know a little bit more about you so I have a better chance of not ending up in a deep freezer. There was one guy who I exchanged a grand total of 4 emails with before he flaked and one guy who wrote a very intelligent and well-crafted post…yet when he responded, he wrote/spoke like a kindergartener with a limited grasp of the alphabet. Lord, not asking for the smartest man out there, but at least be literate, articulate and have an IQ above 70. Please.

So after this long, somewhat convoluted post, I am back to where I started…flying solo(in more ways than one), being single and developing a new appreciation for porn. Fucked up boundaries are still in place, standards are not being lowered and expectations abound…yeah, I have them and so does everyone else. I will just try to keep mine tucked away as much as possible. Now trying to figure out how to get someone to take sexy pics of me to update the arrangement ads (hey, if they are still looking, I am willing to refresh and update to keep it coming (no pun intended) without them wanting something sexual in return. Maybe Honeybee is available if I offer up free babysitting…..the favors I ask of my friends.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!