It has been a minute since I have written …well, not as long a stretch as I think it has but I have had so much I wanted to write. I was going to put it all in one post but this will definitely be a two- parter…in this post, I am going to list the things I know I definitely do not want in my next man/relationship, and sometimes, I think I am being overly optimistic. I am older (will be 47 in less than a month), have learned lessons (which means no more games or bullshit from either party) and being taller/bigger, do not fit society’s (meaning most men’s) ideal. In fact, my size seems to attract delusional, crazy and broken/unstable men, a topic I will get more in depth on in my next blog post. I am also not a fan of children or living ex-wives (both are recipes for drama) and given the men available in an age appropriate range, a man having one or both are a very good possibility. But, I have hope…for now, at least.
My list has been quite awhile in the making and some would say it is backwards (one should know what they want) but for me, this works. Learning what I don’t want has come about due to lessons learned, online dating sites and observations. We all know about the lessons learned and the men who taught them to me. Online dating sites…there are no words, and while CL IS a cesspool, it has company. There are men on eHarmony and Match (where people have to PAY to meet people) misrepresenting themselves as far as status , looks and age AND sending penis pictures, a woman was raped by a date she met through Christian Mingle (that is wrong on too many levels) and perverts and predators hide all the time, everywhere, thanks to the anonymity of the internet. As for observations, seeing Sweet One make her moves on The Good Looking One brings back memories of Sister Someone in the early days with Brother Everything…delusional determination at its best. So I combined lessons, observations and readings together to come up with a list of what I know I don’t want and what I think anyone searching for a healthy, emotionally relationship would expect. Enjoy, and be on the lookout for my next post telling you all about the return of crazy.
Begging/Pleading: I do not want a man I have to beg or plead with to do things with me or go places with me. I want a man who wants to spend time with me, not spending time with me out of a sense of obligation or because he knows I am an easy lay because of my feelings for him. By the same token, I do not want a man who is always begging me…for whatever. My feeling is if either of us have to beg, one of us doesn’t belong.
Not Just Sex: I am not looking for a physical only relationship, not looking for anything casual. I want a true relationship where we have both taken the time and put forth the efforts to get to know each other with our clothes ON, where we actually have common interests and hobbies. Not saying that sex will not be a part of the equation, but it should not be the basis of our relationship nor the only thing we have in common. I want a mental connection, a meshing of personalities and yes, I DO want to change things…my status for one…not necessarily marriage, but definitely not “single” and for God’s sake, no more of the “it’s complicated” crap.
The Live Life! Person: I am NOT a physical activity person and am only spontaneous with notice….not looking to go hiking, diving, running, walking, or anything else that requires me to sweat, pant, break bones and/or possibly lose consciousness. I do not feel I am missing out on anything because I am not always on the go. Yes, I like biking, I enjoy travelling but I am a homebody by nature. I guess it is because of my past…being homeless and a crack whore who would walk miles to get a fix, one learns that the simple pleasures and freedoms in life are the best. My ideal person will enjoy movies, museums, indoor picnics, reading, dancing indoors like wild people, watching football in the fall and home cooked Sunday dinners.
Shallow/Superficial: I am who I am…tall, voluptuous with a tummy. I am not going to lose weight for a man but I will also do what I can to not gain additional weight. I know how to eat healthy and apparently I get enough exercise to stay firm versus flabby. The man should also know I am not going to be magazine cover gorgeous every minute of every day. I am not sleeping in wigs and lipstick and I am not getting up before the crack of dawn to look like a Stepford Wife when he finally wakes up. There will be days I am sick, I am lazy, I am dealing with Mother Nature. Basic grooming habits may not be utilized on such days and he has to understand that.
Fetishes: I refuse to deal with them or entertain them anymore. Pedicures are not a priority for me…my job does not allow open toed shoes and frankly, they are not the relaxing luxury for me that they are for women of average/normal height. There is not enough leg room for me so I am contorted into horrible and painful positions and for me, they last maybe a week before my feet are in need of professional help again. Which brings me to another thing with pedicures…my feet are not “pretty” or “cute”…they are presentable at best, even after a pedicure. I do not wear heels…at 6’4”, I see no need to do so. I no longer have understanding for men who want to wear panties, want to be pegged with a strap-on, or want women to wear certain things in order to arouse them. I just don’t…and not saying I do not or would not wear something sexy ( I enjoy lingerie), but if you need pretty feet or to wear my panties for a relationship to work, we won’t work. I need a man who wears the pants, not the panties.
Mixed Signals: Say what you and mean what you say. Actions speak louder than words. We have all heard the phrases but if one or both are at odds all the time, I cannot deal with that. And the man should not want to deal with that either. Mixed signals cause drama and confusion, two things I am not dealing with next time around. Of course, I am willing to talk things out to ensure we are both on the same page, but I am firm believer that if you cannot hear, you can damn sure feel …and my actions will speak louder than my words.
Disrespect (ful): So many things fall into this category: lying, being stood up, being ignored…and I am not dealing with any of it again. If you tell me you are respectful, classy, professional, etc. in your ad, I should not be seeing a penis picture there also. You have already proven how disrespectful you are and what you are actually seeking, which is not a long term relationship. DO NOT attempt to enter into a relationship with me (or anyone) if you are still hung up on someone else or if there is someone else in the picture. If I send you a communication, please acknowledge it, if only to say you cannot talk right now. Don’t lead me on, and pleasepleaseplease do not be a embarrassment to either of us in public. True story: a woman I know met a guy via Match…they agreed to a dinner date, agreeing to meet at the restaurant. Dude rode his SKATEBOARD to the restaurant and asked for a ride back to his house. The woman agreed, and on the ride home, while chit-chatting and listening to music, dude was JACKING OFF in the car and came all over her new floor mats. Yeah, no one is looking for a man like that. Ever.
Separated/Baggage: Separated is still married. You are not single, you are not divorced (brand new category…for real). I want my man to be SINGLE…no wife, no girlfriend. I want my man to live alone and to have his baggage neatly stowed away. And just going to toss this one out there….no inadequacy or self-esteem issues. No more fixer-uppers for this chick. I am working really hard to be a new construction, move-in ready model for my next relationship..l deserve the same.
I do not think I am asking for a lot in what I don’t want, especially when I look at what the man is getting in return: completely single with no children; my own place (I don’t own but it is my roof over my head); gainfully employed; respectful, intelligent and humorous; great cook and good housekeeper; social, personable and great personality; generous (within a committed relationship), encouraging and supportive. And I am not offering up any of the things I don’t want…again, just hoping it is not too late for me to try again with someone wonderful, amazing and perfect for me.