I am listening to U2 (their earlier works, which is edgy, indie and incredibly political) and some Lucy Pearl (whatever happened to them?) and it struck me that today is July 3rd. It has been three years since I last saw Him. Three years since we last held each other, three years since I have heard his voice talking to me, three years since our last kiss. I am not going to romanticize it, analyze it or grieve over it. I have done all of that…I am okay with what has happened and not because I have no other choice; I am okay with what has happened because I choose to be okay (actually, more than okay).
The process has helped me in so many ways: I have new friends and have made existing friendships stronger. I have recognized some of my flaws and weaknesses (and actually worked on them), I am learning that life shows up and I have to deal with it on its terms, not mine (yeah, work in progress there) and I realize what I want, need and deserve from men and relationships. In the three years without Him, I have lived…not skydiving or bungee jumping or anything that puts my life in jeopardy or has me cheating death…but quietly with little things and moments….I have lived. I have laughed, cried, made mistakes, met new people (and some of the strangest men ever), had incredible sex, killed two plants, worked jobs. I have been living a life when I thought I had no life without him. I did not die, or become less than; in fact, I may be greater than I have ever been. No more is July 3rd a cause for wondering and crying and missing…..July 3rd is no longer the last day before everything fell apart. It is the eve of the day everything began to fall into place.
I have learned and finally believe that the catalysts that bring about change really are blessings in disguise. In my case, change brought about truth. We all say we want the truth, we seek the truth…. but it is hard to find for a lot of reasons: we refuse to see it, we don’t want to listen to what the truth has to say, it’s painful and frankly, the truth is hard to swallow. And when we do finally see it and hear it, we want to sugar coat it and dress it down some so it is pleasing to the eye and is easy to swallow. Which makes it a lie. Which means we don’t want the truth…we want to hear what makes us feel good and/or better about ourselves. Truth can be tricky and slip out when we least expect it, usually when we are totally relaxed or when we are totally pissed off. Remember, a drunk tongue and an angry heart speak the truth. (How ironic that my angry heart first declared my love for him) And sometimes, truth sneaks up on us and is thrust upon us by the words and/or actions of another, which to me is the worst. No one likes being blindsided.
Like most people when faced with truth, I denied it vehemently. No way was the man I loved deeply and deeply in love with NOT in love with me also. No way was the man I envisioned a future with rejecting me. No way could a woman with all the qualities I have and all I could offer in a relationship be tossed over for someone else. There were questions that haunted me and my brain was a hamster wheel in overtime trying to answer them while still justifying that him had made a mistake and I still stood a chance. The truth gave me a heavy load to carry and for the longest time, I carried it in the wrong way. I had help from my Panel (LOTS of help), but nothing became right and clear until I accepted the truth. There was no sugarcoating, there was no rhyme or reason to it…it was just the truth and the longer I denied it, the longer I stayed in hurt mode. The longer I demanded answers to such treatment and disrespect (which were not and still not forthcoming), the more frustrated I became. And eventually, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired…I wanted to live my life and if it meant dealing with the truth, so be it.
Of course, there are consequences to the truth, just like there are with lies…whether you are dealing with them or speaking them. My consequences are I have found out so much about myself, both good and bad. I am insecure, obsessive and lonely, although not the overwhelming loneliness I was feeling a few weeks ago. I have trust and validation issues, I have control issues and maybe a hint of OCD. All of these combine to make me the person who will jump at the slightest anything and try to turn it into a relationship, and not necessarily an intimate relationship. Friendships fall under this category also. This next statement I am going to write, people tell me not to say it, but this is the truth and it is part of the reason I have stuck with and am sticking with the process, because I don’t want to be that person any longer. The men I tend to fall for do not see me as Miss Right…I am Miss Right Now and they will take what I offer until what they really want comes along…and if a man falls for me, he is without a doubt butt-fuck crazy. Truth. But I am working on that…I know I only offer up pieces of myself to men and when they seem interested in the pieces, I offer my crazy in some subconscious effort to drive them away. Eventually they leave…after getting what they wanted from me and usually after I have fallen pretty much in love because I am so used to half-assed relationships, I think they are the norm.
I am working on a lot so that I can achieve my personal Independence Day. I know I vent, whine and rant a lot (it’s my impatience) but I am actually happy and content. I have a job I enjoy going to everyday, I have friends I can count on and talk to, I am (somewhat) happily single and finally I realize that it is better to be by yourself than caught up with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. I am done focusing on the few people who do not like me, get me or accept me and channeling energies and efforts into the many that do like, love and accept me. I am learning to stop looking in the all the wrong places and in all the wrong people for what I seek. I am learning to think differently, act differently and to change certain behaviors. I am working on making the rest of my life the best of my life, and I am looking forward to it.