Return of the Brand New Crazy

My blog is a lowly blog…three years I have been here and I have less than 20K hits/views. Not complaining about that, but wanting you to get the full effect of what a small fish I am in the huge, huge sea of blogging. This blog was born of incredible heartbreak and it has evolved into a tool to help me shed myself of deeply rooted issues and darkness. It is my therapy, it is my way of not only helping myself but that one person out there who knows exactly what I am talking about because they feel/think the same way. It is my way of letting my Panel know of my progress, setbacks and shenanigans when words fail me. It is here on this blog I can tell complete strangers that the contract on the assignment has been extended and it comes with a raise (true statement!) …I cannot walk up to total strangers on the street and tell them that, but here…it’s fine and normal.

What I am saying is that this blog is MINE….it is here I can be myself unfiltered and I love it. But something has happened to invade my sense of peace and protection…I have (I would say had, but he isn’t dead and reads this blog) a stalker. And I do not want to give him that title…I do not want him to have the power that that words exudes….someone stealthily and aggressively pursuing me in an illegal and threatening way. Perhaps I will go with poacher…someone who trespasses on private property illegally…that seems to fit what happened more accurately. It has taken me a minute to write this post because I had to process it first of all, then I was a little scared and finally, I wanted to tell the story by exposing his name, email address and phone numbers that had shown up on my caller ID. I decided against exposing this person….not out of fear, though. So Mr. Poacher Person, do not get all happy dance wherever you are…I am not exposing you because that is not my style. If any women or fellow bloggers would like the information, they know how to contact me and I have no problem helping someone protect themselves.

It began oddly enough with a phone call. At work. From a number that (ultimately) traced back to a 100% tribally owned recruiting agency out of Oregon. When I answer the phone, a man with a thick accent and a poor connection asked for me. Most of what he said was muttered, mumbled and cutoff but I heard Facebook, company website and India….I was not sure what the hell he was talking about, but I was at work, busy and had no time to figure it out. But the phone calls kept coming…like every 3 minutes and I knew it was not a client, customer or co-worker. Smart One was the one who googled the phone number and we put it down to an aggressive recruiter seeking talent…who else would search the company website for someone and call them on the job from the number of a recruiting agency?

When I got home that evening, I logged onto Facebook and saw I had a friend request. The name was both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time….I honestly thought it was a fellow blogger who had started following me a couple of months ago and I returned the favor. I was kind of glad when I thought it was her as she has not blogged in a few and I enjoy getting to know the person behind the blog, but it was not her….it was the “recruiter’ from earlier. Turns out he is not a recruiter at all….it was some guy with a fetish (and what did I JUST write about fetishes??) for mature women with large breasts who reads my blog and somehow googled me online and found out where I worked. And thought calling me at work was the most natural thing in the world!

He says if I knew how much he “crushed” on my writing and topics, if I knew how long he has dreamed of contacting me personally and how long he has dreamed of this day…I would understand. I told him, NO, I DO NOT understand. Then he comes back with I am a famous writer and should expect this. I told him he was NEVER again to call my work number and I immediately blocked him on Facebook. Then the calls started on my HOME PHONE…after a day and a half of constant phone calls, I had to tell him to call my motherfucking number one.more.time. Call it! And for now he has disappeared. I feel completely violated, and while I have dealt with crazy in my lifetime (you guys know about some of it), this is a brand new crazy on a whole new level. I have been googled but never had anyone act on it, never had anyone call my fucking job or home..except for Married Man’s crazy ass wife. At least I somehow, somewhat knew that bitch.

I thought of changing the name of my blog, maybe not talk about me and my life or maybe just stop blogging altogether in an effort to protect myself and hide away from this person, but you know what? I am NOT. This is MY blog, MY life and I am just now crawling out from under the emotional and issue laden prison I Have been locked in for decades. I am just now learning who I am, what motivates me, why I am the way I am…and I owe it to the process and this blog. YOU will not take this away from me, so sorry to tell you this, Mr. Poacher.…you will have to be the one to go, not me. You have taken liberties that not even my family and Panel would dream of doing. No, I do not understand…and still trying to figure out why you simply could not go through normal channels to contact me. Why you feel that the links to my FB and Twitter accounts are there for you to try and insinuate yourself into my life…and why you feel the need to use a telephone number disguising software is beyond me and kind of pisses me off. You have no problem not only looking me up but using information you find but want to hide yourself? But if necessary, the police can find you.

A part of me feels maybe it is my fault in a way…after all, I am on the web with Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn. I do have links to social sites with my real name listed. My phone number is listed …maybe I should do more to make myself more private…but then again, I have been around for quite awhile and no one has felt the need to call me at either work or home without my permission. Even the crazy CL men who have found me via my blog knew enough to email me using the blog email address. NO ONE has felt the need to look up where the hell I work and call me there. NO ONE has felt the need to call me at home. No one I know has ever the felt to reach out and personally contact a “famous” person…because they know about respect and boundaries. Sane people realize that because something is a matter of public record, does NOT make it fair game for public use. So no, this is not my fault and I am not going to beat myself up nor am I going to change who the hell I am or hide away…this is my life and I should be able to live it as I see fit, not dictated by some….poacher person.

I have no idea what else to say….UTA and Artsy Craftsy were a bit nervous at first, Morning Person could not believe it and Cuz says I am batting 1000 on the crazy meter and for real, you just cannot make this shit up. I am better…it really did not disrupt my life, just shook it up a little and frankly, not trying to give this guy anymore attention. I felt I had to write this out as a reminder to myself to be a little bit more careful and to help warn other women and fellow bloggers that crazy is out there and could possibly be reading you or about you right now.

The List

It has been a minute since I have written …well, not as long a stretch as I think it has but I have had so much I wanted to write. I was going to put it all in one post but this will definitely be a two- parter…in this post, I am going to list the things I know I definitely do not want in my next man/relationship, and sometimes, I think I am being overly optimistic. I am older (will be 47 in less than a month), have learned lessons (which means no more games or bullshit from either party) and being taller/bigger, do not fit society’s (meaning most men’s) ideal. In fact, my size seems to attract delusional, crazy and broken/unstable men, a topic I will get more in depth on in my next blog post. I am also not a fan of children or living ex-wives (both are recipes for drama) and given the men available in an age appropriate range, a man having one or both are a very good possibility. But, I have hope…for now, at least.

My list has been quite awhile in the making and some would say it is backwards (one should know what they want) but for me, this works. Learning what I don’t want has come about due to lessons learned, online dating sites and observations. We all know about the lessons learned and the men who taught them to me. Online dating sites…there are no words, and while CL IS a cesspool, it has company. There are men on eHarmony and Match (where people have to PAY to meet people) misrepresenting themselves as far as status , looks and age AND sending penis pictures, a woman was raped by a date she met through Christian Mingle (that is wrong on too many levels) and perverts and predators hide all the time, everywhere, thanks to the anonymity of the internet. As for observations, seeing Sweet One make her moves on The Good Looking One brings back memories of Sister Someone in the early days with Brother Everything…delusional determination at its best. So I combined lessons, observations and readings together to come up with a list of what I know I don’t want and what I think anyone searching for a healthy, emotionally relationship would expect. Enjoy, and be on the lookout for my next post telling you all about the return of crazy.

Begging/Pleading: I do not want a man I have to beg or plead with to do things with me or go places with me. I want a man who wants to spend time with me, not spending time with me out of a sense of obligation or because he knows I am an easy lay because of my feelings for him. By the same token, I do not want a man who is always begging me…for whatever. My feeling is if either of us have to beg, one of us doesn’t belong.

Not Just Sex: I am not looking for a physical only relationship, not looking for anything casual. I want a true relationship where we have both taken the time and put forth the efforts to get to know each other with our clothes ON, where we actually have common interests and hobbies. Not saying that sex will not be a part of the equation, but it should not be the basis of our relationship nor the only thing we have in common. I want a mental connection, a meshing of personalities and yes, I DO want to change things…my status for one…not necessarily marriage, but definitely not “single” and for God’s sake, no more of the “it’s complicated” crap.

The Live Life! Person: I am NOT a physical activity person and am only spontaneous with notice….not looking to go hiking, diving, running, walking, or anything else that requires me to sweat, pant, break bones and/or possibly lose consciousness. I do not feel I am missing out on anything because I am not always on the go. Yes, I like biking, I enjoy travelling but I am a homebody by nature. I guess it is because of my past…being homeless and a crack whore who would walk miles to get a fix, one learns that the simple pleasures and freedoms in life are the best. My ideal person will enjoy movies, museums, indoor picnics, reading, dancing indoors like wild people, watching football in the fall and home cooked Sunday dinners.

Shallow/Superficial: I am who I am…tall, voluptuous with a tummy. I am not going to lose weight for a man but I will also do what I can to not gain additional weight. I know how to eat healthy and apparently I get enough exercise to stay firm versus flabby. The man should also know I am not going to be magazine cover gorgeous every minute of every day. I am not sleeping in wigs and lipstick and I am not getting up before the crack of dawn to look like a Stepford Wife when he finally wakes up. There will be days I am sick, I am lazy, I am dealing with Mother Nature. Basic grooming habits may not be utilized on such days and he has to understand that.

Fetishes: I refuse to deal with them or entertain them anymore. Pedicures are not a priority for me…my job does not allow open toed shoes and frankly, they are not the relaxing luxury for me that they are for women of average/normal height. There is not enough leg room for me so I am contorted into horrible and painful positions and for me, they last maybe a week before my feet are in need of professional help again. Which brings me to another thing with pedicures…my feet are not “pretty” or “cute”…they are presentable at best, even after a pedicure. I do not wear heels…at 6’4”, I see no need to do so. I no longer have understanding for men who want to wear panties, want to be pegged with a strap-on, or want women to wear certain things in order to arouse them. I just don’t…and not saying I do not or would not wear something sexy ( I enjoy lingerie), but if you need pretty feet or to wear my panties for a relationship to work, we won’t work. I need a man who wears the pants, not the panties.

Mixed Signals: Say what you and mean what you say. Actions speak louder than words. We have all heard the phrases but if one or both are at odds all the time, I cannot deal with that. And the man should not want to deal with that either. Mixed signals cause drama and confusion, two things I am not dealing with next time around. Of course, I am willing to talk things out to ensure we are both on the same page, but I am firm believer that if you cannot hear, you can damn sure feel …and my actions will speak louder than my words.

Disrespect (ful): So many things fall into this category: lying, being stood up, being ignored…and I am not dealing with any of it again. If you tell me you are respectful, classy, professional, etc. in your ad, I should not be seeing a penis picture there also. You have already proven how disrespectful you are and what you are actually seeking, which is not a long term relationship. DO NOT attempt to enter into a relationship with me (or anyone) if you are still hung up on someone else or if there is someone else in the picture. If I send you a communication, please acknowledge it, if only to say you cannot talk right now. Don’t lead me on, and pleasepleaseplease do not be a embarrassment to either of us in public. True story: a woman I know met a guy via Match…they agreed to a dinner date, agreeing to meet at the restaurant. Dude rode his SKATEBOARD to the restaurant and asked for a ride back to his house. The woman agreed, and on the ride home, while chit-chatting and listening to music, dude was JACKING OFF in the car and came all over her new floor mats. Yeah, no one is looking for a man like that. Ever.

Separated/Baggage: Separated is still married. You are not single, you are not divorced (brand new category…for real). I want my man to be SINGLE…no wife, no girlfriend. I want my man to live alone and to have his baggage neatly stowed away. And just going to toss this one out there….no inadequacy or self-esteem issues. No more fixer-uppers for this chick. I am working really hard to be a new construction, move-in ready model for my next relationship..l deserve the same.

I do not think I am asking for a lot in what I don’t want, especially when I look at what the man is getting in return: completely single with no children; my own place (I don’t own but it is my roof over my head); gainfully employed; respectful, intelligent and humorous; great cook and good housekeeper; social, personable and great personality; generous (within a committed relationship), encouraging and supportive. And I am not offering up any of the things I don’t want…again, just hoping it is not too late for me to try again with someone wonderful, amazing and perfect for me.

The Long Hot Summer

This heat is relentless…oven baked is the word that comes to mind. I swear I can actually see it and the humidity is so thick, I cannot breathe. Well, I guess I can breathe since I have not fallen over dead yet, but breathing is extremely difficult. Smoke breaks are a thing of the past for now but that can be construed as a good thing. No, I have not quit, but I have cut back. Small steps.

The post today is an op/ed post (meaning it is my opinion based upon my experiences or lack thereof) and it almost did not get written. First, it deals with touchy topics so wanted to make sure I worded it in a non-preachy, non-judgmental way; my laptop would not load my user profile (and still won’t…thanking my lucky stars I put another user profile on the computer; I got busy being domestic and wore myself out and when I mustered up the energy to write (after remembering the second profile on the laptop), a colored/flavored sparkling water exploded all over the carpet and keyboard. I should dub this one the Miracle Post.

So today’s post is going to touch on three topics that have been all over the news and they all deal with racism. I do not have a lot of experience with racism…maybe none at all. The closest I have gotten are the two men who bailed on me when the arrangements were in full swing because they thought I was white (and I am not)…I put that down to preferences. Or the house in NC I used to pass on my way to work (when I lived there) that had the confederate flag and a lawn jockey side by side in the front yard. I took that as a warning that the occupants would not be very anyone. So not a lot of experience, but I do have common sense and an opinion, so why not jump on the band wagon? Hope you stay with me for the entire post and your opinion on the topics would be very welcome. Feel free to leave them in the comments or inbox me.

The N Word: Apparently Paula Deen said it at some point in her life (maybe several times) and the backlash has set her back somewhat. Two things strike me as strange with the Paula situation…first, the person who has finally decided to tell the truth wants to say that the suit brought against Ms. Deen has nothing to do with the N word, yet that was the FIRST thing we heard about. So yeah, it IS about her using the word. Secondly, the black community has been rather quiet about the entire thing. I have an opinion on two facets of this topic: one, a private conversation is just that…PRIVATE. We do have freedom of speech in this country and what people say in the privacy of their own home is their conversation, not ours. Secondly, I do think the N word is derogatory and offensive, regardless of who uses it. No, it is not okay when black people address each other using the N word…it is not a form of acknowledgement or respect, and as long as the black community addresses itself as such, puts out music, music videos and movies that use that word…others will use it as freely as we do. Just because the name was given to us does not mean we have to keep it and/or use it.

Trayvon Martin: I am just going to say it…it is time to stop beating the dead horse that is Trayvon and turn attention and efforts to the other horses in the stable who are still alive and need justice also. I think everyone is angry at the wrong person…the anger needs to be directed to the Prosecution (aka State of Florida). They were the ones who brought impossible to prove charges against Zimmerman…no way could anyone prove 2nd degree murder or manslaughter (both which require proof of intent of bodily harm) with what we know of the case, which is not a lot other than folks should have stayed home and minded their business that night. Involuntary manslaughter is the charge they should have brought against him. Only two people know what happened that night: one is dead, and the other one might as well join him. Honestly, if you think about it, justice HAS been served. Zimmerman is more of a prisoner outside the jail than he would be inside. For the rest of his life, he cannot live where he would want, probably not work and will be looking over his shoulder in fear. That is not a life. I say we put away the hoodies, put away the skittles and focus on those who are still here to tell their story. This was not a hate crime, or a race crime…it was stupid judgment. Moving on does not mean Trayvon is forgotten…to me, it is the best way to honor his memory by helping someone not become another victim of the judicial system. That and actually spelling his name correctly: it is Trayvon, NOT Treyvon.

Race/Hate Crime: Since Trayvon was killed, over 11,000 young black men have been killed. Not many people know about that. There was no media coverage, no outrage, nothing for 11,000 other black men just minding their business, going home, coming from work, just living their life. A white mother and her 13 month old son were shot at point blank range in their faces because the mother had nothing worth taking when she was robbed. A white teenage boy in Texas was killed by a homeless man for apparently no reason at all. In DC, people are shot, stabbed and killed on average 3-4 times a day…yet, there is no outrage, no rallies, nothing. I say it is because it is mostly black on black or black on white crime…and apparently, this is what America has come to expect of the black community. Loud, uneducated, ignorant, violent and looking to rob those who have because they (blacks) have not. And it does not have to be this way…I blame the media for part of our portrayal. There are too many blacks nationwide who are hard working, raising decent children, educated who can speak well and are not ghetto or hood, yet we are overshadowed by wanna be gangstas and thugs.

Many blame racial profiling but everyone is profiled. Blacks, whites, Asians, Hispanics, fat, skinny, young, old….everyone is profiled. Fifty years ago, women clutched purses and children closer and folks locked their car doors and locked their doors because of a black man out of ignorance…now, they do so out of knowledge. Both are grounded in fear. Yes, race relations still have a long way to go in this country, but we as a people and a race have to do our share as well. I am not saying to forget what has happened but use the past to propel us further. We are not our parents…we have opportunities not afforded to past generations. We have more rights and freedoms than previous generations. We have people who marched, fought and died for us to be more, to be able to do more. Great things come to those who go out and work hard for it…let’s start working harder and becoming stronger. Together.

So this is my take…love it or hate it. Again, I know I am not that well versed on this topic: my social circle is filled with people of all races and religions and for all my life experiences, I have been pretty sheltered in some respects. I don’t know how I came across but I felt the need to say it. Hopefully, someone reading this gets me.

Me vs. The Inanimate Object

Before I launch into today’s post, I have to tell you readers that I am in definite lust with a guy who answered my arrangement ad. He is tall as me, SINGLE, handsome (in a physical way as well as personality wise…before he left, I was tempted to ask him to be my boyfriend) and we had an amazing time just talking, touching and listening to music. He actually picked me up in his arms and lifted me off the floor!!! WHEN does that ever happen? He finds me attractive, says I have an amazing body and he is a light smoker (and enjoys the occasional cigar) which means my smoking does not bother him. Two drawbacks: he lives in Milwaukee (but gets to DC 4 times a year) and not sure how he is in bed. He is an amazing kisser and gives divine massages, but he stayed flaccid for our time together. If only I could find this dude (with a functioning penis) in DC, I would be a happy camper. Very happy.

So this is the post that is an update on the job…I was going to make it a two parter but it will just all be in this posting. I have another post I want to write and if I put it off for too long, it will never get written. (If you knew how many drafts have sat and gotten tossed because I lost my train of thought…) Anyway, back to today’s post…for awhile the assignment has been a nightmare and I am sure all of you reading know that. I made no bones about whining, venting and bitching about it and probably came across as ungrateful as hell doing it. But it is has been overwhelming….first, I am not an IT person at all and what I have learned still amazes me; second, I am a temporary worker who really would like this to become permanent so I am working harder than necessary to prove to them I am good worker, a hard worker and have more going for me than personality. I want things to work out but the onslaught of customers with all the upgrades and new programs we have going on at the same time had me at my wit’s end and was causing stress of epic proportions…and I do not react well to stress physically and mentally.

However, things have turned around somewhat, at least on one level. About two weeks ago, I called out. I did not plan it and it was a surprise to me, the Panel and the job…but it got my point about needing help across in a big way. Sometimes, instead of making your presence known, you have to make your absence felt. Now when I say I need help, I get it although the crowds have thinned some and I am actually able to keep up and try to catch up. So that was a good thing. Another good thing is the contract has been extended!! So while I a not perm, I am still there…but not sure for how long as they never told me how long they extended the contract for. Bummer. However, I talked it over with my mom, sis-sis and core Panel members and we are just going with I have an open-ended contract which at least sounds better.

Another good thing that has happened on the job is that we have a new tech and I have dubbed him the Good Looking One…and he really is. Tall, chocolate, clean shaven and corporate with a touch of thug…and his voice. Smart One calls him Barry White but I say he has a baritone like a Paul Robeson recording. He and I had lunch together and he was intelligent, articulate and filled with funny stories, but I see him as a friend and friend only. (This part is important) In any case, I say it is a good thing because one of the female techs (The Sweet One) is sweet on this dude and it is hilarious to watch. She comes around to his cubicle, with sweet smiles and soft words, actually got pissed that I had lunch with the man and has even moved her desk to be closer to him. It is cute and amusing, but I see some warning flags: she wants me and Feisty One to pump him for info, she says he has to make first moves but she is the one inviting him to lunches and giving him her phone number and she is quite obvious in her intentions. All I can do is watch and wish her luck.

Now to the ugly about the job…and it is a what. Not a who, not a combination of things…a what. A scanner to be precise. A scanner that is to help with tracking assets (we have lost 35 assets total, with 11 still unaccounted for). The original plan was to have the techs take turns daily doing an asset report but that lasted all of three days…so the scanner was brought out and placed AT.THE.WINDOW. Where I sit, which would make me responsible for every piece of equipment coming in and out of the department and I went off. There is enough going on at the window and asset management is NOT my responsibility. Rental assets, yes…(and how that happened, I have only myself to blame) but not every piece of equipment that comes in and out for swap, upgrade and repair. Feisty One swears it will not be on me as the techs are still responsible but I do not see how. With the scanner in place, the techs will not come near the window even to talk to customers…if they are dropping off they are told to check it in and when they pick up, they are told to IM the tech if there are any issues. Which makes me responsible as it is MY initials that are going into the scanner and that means that I am the last one to have hands on the asset. And THAT pisses me the fuck off…the techs have basically dropped part of their duties in my lap and seriously, I am not looking to be a scapegoat and if I am going to have the responsibilities I do, I want a pay raise to reflect that. Period.

Every day is a battle when it comes to the scanner…on one end there is the scanner backed by technicians who are trying to hold onto their jobs; on the other end you have me and my control issues, the fact that I KNOW I am a temp (if it comes down to it, I will go and the techs will stay) and I have no problems using their time to explore other options. It is hard to tell who will win…some days I do the scanner, some days I don’t. Feisty One says I need to back her and support her with this scanner but I tell her she needs to get the techs to do their jobs…every aspect of it. Not sure how this will play out, but it is definitely on a day to day basis. And I called out yesterday and today…will be interested to see if anyone used the scanner in my absence.

Okay, time to start work on the next blog post, welcome HoneyBee back and find some grub. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

My Heart Needs a Lapdance

I am pet-sitting this weekend. Yes, that’s right…I am reunited with The Distraction, the Lookout and The Queen and it is better this time around as we are all a little bit more used to each other. Their mom is going to seriously kick my ass when she gets back as I tend to over-feed them and was talking about treating them to tuna…but this is my way of spoiling them and showing them I care.

So today, one week after my date from hell, I have decided to rant a little and give a bit of dating advice…to myself. If you choose to follow any of what I write, just know I cannot be held responsible but also keep in mind, if I don’t know anything else, I know what red flags and horrible treatment look like and it is time to recognize them up front. I won’t avoid all the assholes and horrible dates, but I will cut down on them considerably. And while I may not be looking in the best places, I have people who are using “credible” dating sites and even meeting people in the real world and their results are the same as mine. Also, since I am still getting replies to my arrangement ads (seriously, just how far down the list are these people reading??), there will reminders on how to deal with those responses.

When I post an ad, I try to make it as informative as I am allowed to while still keeping some things back. I give a description of myself, a brief rundown of interests and hobbies, what I am seeking from the person who answers the ad and my preferences in a partner. The last part is easy as I am looking more for a mental connection. I realize that physical attraction is important but I want to get to know a person for who they are, not what they look like. If I can fall for your personality and intelligence, you can pretty much look like a burn victim who has been hit by a Mack truck and I will find beauty in you. Not interested in if you are fit or not (and tend not to like guys who boast about how fit they are or how much time they spend in the gym…usually “fit” is used loosely, and more often than not, that is all they have to offer)…your waist can be 32 or 52, just carry it well.

Pictures, I never post when looking for a real, actual date….I want someone who also is looking for a mental connection and someone with personality. If pictures are a must up-front, it is a no go. I have gotten some men’s perspectives on the picture thing and apparently, women who describe themselves as BBW, plump, full-figured are suspect as they could be anywhere from 30 pounds to 300 pounds overweight. I can definitely appreciate that concern, but I am of the mindset that if the numbers (height, weight, dress size) mean more than the person, you are not the person for me and I am definitely not the one for you. I think a lot of perfectly good and wonderful folks (both men and women) get tossed aside for the overwhelming need some folks have for physical preferences. For the arrangement ads, I do have pictures up but they show my sexily clad body only…no face. Discretion is important no matter where you are on the internet.

When I get responses to my ad, I try to be selective as possible which is not as hard as one would think with the lack of pictures and all. I am not seeking the creepy, the inadequate, the disrespectful or the unintelligent and if the responder is any of those, it comes through loud and clear in the first couple of emails. When it comes to responses, I absolutely hate the men who send a picture first. If it is an arrangement response, it is simply to get my face picture (a part of me can understand as I am seeking financial compensation, but just like you want something that pleases your eye, I do too and some of the pictures I have received would give a small child nightmares). If the picture is sent in response to an ad for an actual date, I am thinking they cannot read or have their own agenda as I specifically requested no pictures. Men who ask 10,000 questions or want to know what you plan to do/wear/say upon meeting are not serious about meeting. They are living out some fantasy of being with you versus putting forth energy to actually meet with you. Same with men who are demanding to meet RIGHT NOW…unless you have your hair in curlers and sitting under the dryer while soaking in a tub, no way are you going to be ready to meet in a half hour or less…and they know this.

Two things that drive me absolutely bonkers with the online dating process and have me considering celibacy and a life filled with cats are when the actual pic exchange takes place and I get the picture taken from 10 feet away with sunglasses on and these fools DEMAND (not ask, demand) 5 clear full face and body shots…I tend not to respond any further to these idiots. The other thing are the one liner responders who then disappear, or in a variation on that, the ones who respond requesting me to tell them about me. For God’s sake, please do not respond to my ad asking me to tell you about myself. I just spent a long time writing a respectful, friendly posting that tells you what I look like, what I am searching for and some of my hobbies and interests. I took the time to start at least one conversation…keep it going, not ask me to re-start it. Another peeve of mine is the responder who tries to make your schedule fit his….I had a guy who responded to an arrangement ad. He could not meet evenings or weekends and wanted to do a lunchtime car date…and told me my loss when I refused. My loss? I am well over 40, fat and the thought of squeezing into a backseat while pushing your kid’s juice boxes and soccer balls out the way is definitely not appealing. Not to mention the ever present threat of being caught by the police. Yeah, I will take that loss.

Now, of course there are some guys who manage to post decent ads and respond in decent, respectful ways. They hold in their crazy and their agendas, actually want to meet and you can have a great time with them. Food, drinks, conversation, a pleasant activity that involves all parties staying fully clothed. But then shit goes south: no call the next day; no thank you text or no response to yours; being mauled and groped while in a darkened movie theater; he is never available or around unless you are doing something for him (I know a girl who has a “boyfriend” who will not allow her to come to his place, will not go anywhere with her or spend the night with her, but is always around when she is cooking a meal)….you get the point. And I used to wonder and agonize and put myself down when what I thought was a good time turned out to be nothing but fodder for a memory. No longer.

It’s a date, not the start of a lifelong relationship. A chance to meet someone new face to face and see how well you mesh. We are all exploring options, and I do not hold expectations for a second or third date. Of course, if I like the guy, I am hopeful he feels the same way and would suggest one, but not holding my breath. I think women have it a bit harder when dating because the issue of sex is a touchy one and too many men are willing to forego/overlook dinner in their quest for dessert. Do you have it on the first date if you both are having a great time and feeling a connection? Let’s face it…if you do it on the first date you risk being judged a slut and no more contact because he got what he wanted (trust me, all men want sex) or you hold out and still get the no contact treatment. Only you can make this call…you can go with it and go for it. Hey, sometimes the heart and body both need a lap dance….something light, casual and just enough to (re) awaken the senses. If nothing else, it made a good date great or you can hold out to show this guy who you may really like that you are worth waiting for…and pray to God dude is a patient sort of guy. Your call.

As for me (with all my issues and baggage), I tend to make a first date dutch to cut down on expectations and obligations and if I were having a great time and really digging on the guy, I would probably go for it…. even if I paid my own way. I can’t believe I just wrote that but it is the truth. Maybe I am working on the issues more than I realize. So these are my thoughts on (online) dating..and don’t forget to give the ad a catchy title that will pique curiosity, along with respecting preferences. If they want a short girl, a skinny girl, a white girl…don’t get angry. It is what they want and they are honest about it. Make sure you are as honest about what you want and are looking for as well.

Now, I have to write a two part post about what is going on with the job along with laundry, cooking, cleaning and somehow squeeze a nap in as well. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Date Night

The title of this post should be World’s Dumbest and that title would apply to both parties. I had a date Saturday afternoon….a date from Craigslist, so if you have already figured out the ending and wish to leave now, I don’t blame you. I will say I did not go looking for the date…I posted a rant on the rants & raves forum (yes, I am angry and venting all over the internet) and received a private reply from this guy. He seemed sane, had good email conversation and was single. He said he was Indian, 48 and worked in IT. After a couple of days of emailing he suggested we meet for something casual: dinner and movie after work on Friday, the day after the holiday. After stressing that I was not looking for sex or anything sexual in nature (I am not at a point where I can just give freely and walk away…did not tell him that though) and he stressing he was not seeking that either, we agreed.

I ended up cancelling Friday….apparently everyone took off Friday only to drop off defective laptops and with my department operating with a skeleton crew, I once again found myself expending all my energies on keeping up, not catching up. Thank God my apartment was clean and laundry done (it only took me having Wednesday and Thursday off to accomplish that feat) because when I finally arrived home at 8pm (after working late), I kind of laid across the bed and stayed there until Saturday morning. My potential date (I cannot even pronounce his name) understood about Friday evening but wanted us to go out Saturday afternoon for lunch and the movie. We agreed we would do downtown Silver Spring and he said he would pick me up from my place (I gave him the address of the gas station next door) since it was so hot and humid out. So far, so good….right?

I call, text and email to confirm he is picking me up at the agreed upon time, and heard nothing back. Now, I could have been prepping myself so I could be somewhat on time, but it is Saturday, it is hot and for all I say I want to do and how badly I want to break my routine of being a weekend hermit, I really look for excuses to stay stuck in my rut. So I surfed the internet, gave away four bags of clothing (I still have more clothes than closet!) and went to check the mailbox. When I returned, dude had emailed twice. At 2:18, he said he was going to get a shower; at 2:29, he said he was ready to go…and that made me pause. WHO is showered and ready to go in 11 minutes? I wondered if he would stink, or have skid marks on the front of his underwear ? (I have seen it before) But I decided to go with the original plan and got ready. I wore a too long white strapless dress that I wore with a bra and jacket, so while somewhat innocently sexy, not dressed too provocatively.

When I saw him, he looked nothing like what I imagined: shorter, smaller framed but with a potbelly (he said he was fit and worked out/ran 5 days a week), clean shaven and no bad odors or noticeable stains on his clothing. He also had absolutely nothing to say….after all his chatty, lengthy emails, an actual conversation with him was like pulling teeth from a chicken. The only other things I discovered about him was he was divorced, had a 12 year old child and did not eat beef. That last one was not a surprise…the man is Indian and in the Hindu religion, the cow is sacred. So the trip to Silver Spring was pretty quiet and once we got there and parked, the man did not walk with me…..he maintained at least foot of space between us, and anyone seeing us would never know we were on a date together.

At the restaurant (I had a groupon), he looked at the water glasses, other patrons, out the window…anywhere but at me. He also got on my nerves because one thing he did say several times during the ride was how hungry he was…yet at the restaurant, all he ordered was salad, water and pie (which he picked over) and that kinda pissed me off. I believe if you are hungry…eat. I am not looking for someone who eats salad and water when I am chowing down on a meatloaf stack with mashed potatoes and salad. It makes me self-conscious and uncomfortable and makes me aware of the fact that I am a big(ger) girl. Then the check comes and after the groupon discount, $7 was left on the bill…and this fool asks if we can SPLIT THE BILL. Are you kidding me??? For real, this was my first flag but I pushed it aside…I already knew I would not be repeating with this guy and the movie theaters were three doors away, and I wanted to see the movie.

At the movie theater, things were good for awhile. We each paid our own way ( I used another groupon), found seats and while the movie (The Lone Ranger) was his choice, I found myself really enjoying it. Lots of action and enough plots and subplots to keep me mentally stimulated. And then, his hand reached out for mine…I was a little taken aback and conflicted. You cannot look at me, talk to me or walk with me but you want to hold my hand? On the other hand, maybe he was incredibly shy and having jitters…women aren’t the only ones to go through that. In any case, I held his hand…but I noticed he kept looking to his left, then would turn and look at me. And the look he gave me was not one of lust, desire, happiness or anything to suggest that he may actually want to see where something with me could lead. He looked at me like he had gun aimed at my head and was about to pull the trigger; and I noticed that he had one hand trying to feel my boobie while the hand that was holding mine kept pulling me towards his groin area. So dude was molesting me during the fucking movie!

I yanked my hand away and moved my seat, and in doing so I noticed what he kept looking at to his left….a couple of teenagers making out. I was done…so far, this man has exhibited the WTF traits of two previous lovers…AFO with the ignoring me until it came to all things sexual and Married Man with the least little thing making him horny and thinking that I was supposed to be onboard with it. The sad thing is, if the man had shown some interest, given me a little attention (complimented my outfit, my perfume, asked me a question)…I may have gone along with at least the groping because that is who I am….a people pleaser who feels obligated to show appreciation for things emotionally healthy people expect and take for granted. But, I am working on me and things are changing…slowly, but still it’s change. So now, for the rest of the movie, dude is straining and craning his neck to find me, and as soon as the movie is over (no way was I leaving in the middle of it…not only had I paid, I was enjoying it), I duck out to the bathroom thinking dude has given up and left.

Not true…when I exit the bathroom, he is waiting at the end of the hall. I told him I would be taking the metro home as he was obviously looking for something I was not prepared to give and his advances were unwelcome and uncomfortable…..and here comes the Him moment: dude ignored everything I said and asked did I want to get a coffee! OMG…how can ONE person embody so many negative traits of so many men? I told him I did not drink coffee and needed to get to the subway station…and he just looked at me as if I were throwing away a million dollars. And that was the end of the date…I made it home safe and sound, called Chef and told him all about it. All he could do was laugh but told me I was standing up for myself and the next date would be with a better person.

So there you have it…my first real date in how long and I have a new appreciation for being single. I know some people take offense at taking relationship advice from single people, but some of us are single for no reason other than we are not putting up with stupidity, mixed signals and what-the-fuckness any longer, from anyone. I am putting myself in that category…I may be single now but I have had enough relationships and dealings with men on levels unheard of that I know what I need and hoping what I need is what any self-respecting woman wants and needs also.

Now going to figure out what to wear to work this week, cook something for dinner and clear my DVR out some. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

Truth and Consequences

I am listening to U2 (their earlier works, which is edgy, indie and incredibly political) and some Lucy Pearl (whatever happened to them?) and it struck me that today is July 3rd. It has been three years since I last saw Him. Three years since we last held each other, three years since I have heard his voice talking to me, three years since our last kiss. I am not going to romanticize it, analyze it or grieve over it. I have done all of that…I am okay with what has happened and not because I have no other choice; I am okay with what has happened because I choose to be okay (actually, more than okay).

The process has helped me in so many ways: I have new friends and have made existing friendships stronger. I have recognized some of my flaws and weaknesses (and actually worked on them), I am learning that life shows up and I have to deal with it on its terms, not mine (yeah, work in progress there) and I realize what I want, need and deserve from men and relationships. In the three years without Him, I have lived…not skydiving or bungee jumping or anything that puts my life in jeopardy or has me cheating death…but quietly with little things and moments….I have lived. I have laughed, cried, made mistakes, met new people (and some of the strangest men ever), had incredible sex, killed two plants, worked jobs. I have been living a life when I thought I had no life without him. I did not die, or become less than; in fact, I may be greater than I have ever been. No more is July 3rd a cause for wondering and crying and missing…..July 3rd is no longer the last day before everything fell apart. It is the eve of the day everything began to fall into place.

I have learned and finally believe that the catalysts that bring about change really are blessings in disguise. In my case, change brought about truth. We all say we want the truth, we seek the truth…. but it is hard to find for a lot of reasons: we refuse to see it, we don’t want to listen to what the truth has to say, it’s painful and frankly, the truth is hard to swallow. And when we do finally see it and hear it, we want to sugar coat it and dress it down some so it is pleasing to the eye and is easy to swallow. Which makes it a lie. Which means we don’t want the truth…we want to hear what makes us feel good and/or better about ourselves. Truth can be tricky and slip out when we least expect it, usually when we are totally relaxed or when we are totally pissed off. Remember, a drunk tongue and an angry heart speak the truth. (How ironic that my angry heart first declared my love for him) And sometimes, truth sneaks up on us and is thrust upon us by the words and/or actions of another, which to me is the worst. No one likes being blindsided.

Like most people when faced with truth, I denied it vehemently. No way was the man I loved deeply and deeply in love with NOT in love with me also. No way was the man I envisioned a future with rejecting me. No way could a woman with all the qualities I have and all I could offer in a relationship be tossed over for someone else. There were questions that haunted me and my brain was a hamster wheel in overtime trying to answer them while still justifying that him had made a mistake and I still stood a chance. The truth gave me a heavy load to carry and for the longest time, I carried it in the wrong way. I had help from my Panel (LOTS of help), but nothing became right and clear until I accepted the truth. There was no sugarcoating, there was no rhyme or reason to it…it was just the truth and the longer I denied it, the longer I stayed in hurt mode. The longer I demanded answers to such treatment and disrespect (which were not and still not forthcoming), the more frustrated I became. And eventually, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired…I wanted to live my life and if it meant dealing with the truth, so be it.

Of course, there are consequences to the truth, just like there are with lies…whether you are dealing with them or speaking them. My consequences are I have found out so much about myself, both good and bad. I am insecure, obsessive and lonely, although not the overwhelming loneliness I was feeling a few weeks ago. I have trust and validation issues, I have control issues and maybe a hint of OCD. All of these combine to make me the person who will jump at the slightest anything and try to turn it into a relationship, and not necessarily an intimate relationship. Friendships fall under this category also. This next statement I am going to write, people tell me not to say it, but this is the truth and it is part of the reason I have stuck with and am sticking with the process, because I don’t want to be that person any longer. The men I tend to fall for do not see me as Miss Right…I am Miss Right Now and they will take what I offer until what they really want comes along…and if a man falls for me, he is without a doubt butt-fuck crazy. Truth. But I am working on that…I know I only offer up pieces of myself to men and when they seem interested in the pieces, I offer my crazy in some subconscious effort to drive them away. Eventually they leave…after getting what they wanted from me and usually after I have fallen pretty much in love because I am so used to half-assed relationships, I think they are the norm.

I am working on a lot so that I can achieve my personal Independence Day. I know I vent, whine and rant a lot (it’s my impatience) but I am actually happy and content. I have a job I enjoy going to everyday, I have friends I can count on and talk to, I am (somewhat) happily single and finally I realize that it is better to be by yourself than caught up with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. I am done focusing on the few people who do not like me, get me or accept me and channeling energies and efforts into the many that do like, love and accept me. I am learning to stop looking in the all the wrong places and in all the wrong people for what I seek. I am learning to think differently, act differently and to change certain behaviors. I am working on making the rest of my life the best of my life, and I am looking forward to it.