The heat and humidity have not been around a good 10 days yet and already brains are baked. I am dealing with my funky slump, trying to figure out what lesson will come of this latest stall on the Process Path, and people in my circle are bouncing off the walls…enough to make me grateful (not happy…grateful) to only have loneliness to contend with. I can see that a review of lessons is in order, so today with this post, we are headed back to class. No names will be mentioned and no situations will be revealed…this is simply a refresher course which hopefully will help some folks.
First thing, let’s stop with plans of revenge and trying to sabotage folks via their job, their vehicles, telling their wives, holding onto their possessions/property. None of that will bring the person back or make them want to stay with you to work it out. In fact, it may make them wonder why they were ever with you. No one wants to be in a relationship under duress, fear or threat of extortion. If the relationship is abusive…end it. Now. Love is not getting drunk, cursing each other out and slamming each other into walls. Stop holding folks hostage until they say what you want to hear or in some vain attempt to prolong the inevitable. Either you want to play games or you want a relationship….the two do not go together. And as much as you may want a relationship with that particular person…it is evident they do not want one with you. Stop hanging where you are not wanted.
Secondly, to those have been hurt/left/betrayed…stop saying I don’t care, I don’t give a fuck, it doesn’t bother me….you are lying. You DO care, you DO give a fuck (a lot of them) and it DOES bother you. If it didn’t, you would not have to say it. It is okay to tell people you are broken, hurt beyond belief and devastated. It is even okay for the person who did these things to you to know that. When you are first hurt, it takes all your strength just to make it through the day…your heart is hurting, you are struggling to breathe, your mind is racing and tears threaten to fall at anytime. You do not have the time nor the energy to waste words and lie to folks while your heart is in pieces all over the floor. Admit to yourself first that things are not okay and when you are ready, you can start making them okay again. Without resorting to revenge or game playing.
To the injured parties, you have a responsibility. Stop demanding answers and apologies, especially right after the betrayal has happened. The person who hurt you more than likely does not have an answer that will not hurt you further and let’s be truthful…you really do not want an apology or an explanation. You want to be right and to bask in the victim role as long as possible. If you are choosing to forgive the person and allow them to remain in your life, you cannot dangle what they did wrong over them. I am not saying to forget about it but if you choose to have them in your life, you are excusing the injury, which means you absolve them of all blame. If you choose to remove them from your life, break off communication. No, do not change your number or email address but block theirs. The less communication, the better. Whichever option you choose, remember the ultimate goal: you are trying to heal and move on, not stay stuck.
To the ones who inflicted the hurt: the best thing you can do is to NOT say I’m sorry, I understand, I know unless you really are apologetic and you do know and understand the depth of pain and hurt you caused. Saying those things in an offhand manner does not convey sincerity and to continue to do the same things after saying all of that just makes you an untrustworthy person. Because if you did know and understand, you would not continue to do those things. I want to say I understand and I half-ass kinda do get where you are coming from….we all want to be happy and sometimes for one to be happy, another has to be hurt but it is the way you go about things. When Him had made up his mind that BTH/BTGD was his One…him could have told me. Him could have kept his promise to always be honest and tell me if him wanted out. I still would have been hurt, but I would have had closure and some understanding that despite my best efforts, we just were not meant to be. Instead, him lied, led me on and then just turned on me. Just know that your responsibility is to remember to respect people, even when hurting them. And if your happiness means you continually disrespect another person, your happiness will be very short-lived. Ask Him if you don’t believe me.
I think I covered enough bases for this post although a refresher course will probably be necessary. I will be back later this week with (hopefully) love letters and will tell you all about my date with Gay Work Boyfriend…it is supposed to be pizza, movies and hanging at his place this Friday. Not sure why, but super excited and nervous…probably because it means something other than Monk marathons and Chinese food. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!