Coin Toss

For this blog post, I was not sure what to write. A love letter to Chef or Artsy Craftsy or Cuz came to mind. A post on truth was drafted (actually just a title and a couple of snippets I wrote down so I would not forget them) or maybe even how hard friendship is/can be. All viable contenders but after the week I have had, I realized that I would be addressing issues that are raising up and need to be addressed. STAT.

First thing that I need to work on and as quickly as possible is my fiscal irresponsibility. I am poor, people…I know people say don’t say that but if you could see my bank accounts (or what is left of them), you would have to agree. I no longer have extra income (the arrangements are officially dead) so I need to learn to budget and live within MY means, not my means and everyone else’s. My instant gratification issues are going to have a fit and I will probably be a self-loathing, envious of everyone else mess for awhile, but it has to be done.

I need to find a better work/life balance. I used to be interesting and somewhat fun…now I am the chick who sleeps half her weekend away and works as hard on the remaining day as if it were a work day. I have no energy to go out and use my groupons and if I were ever lucky enough to find a date with a non-work related person, I would be the one who has no topic of conversation other than work and her ex. Seriously. I wonder if exercise would help with that, but I am not in a space or place to even consider a workout program. With all the stress I am currently under, it is all I can do to stick to my no junk food rule and to eat only when hungry.

I have decided there will be no co-worker dates unless it is with Smart One. Gay Work Boyfriend is a flake of the highest order and is thisclose to being written off as an asswipe. He always flakes at the last minute…most recently, we made plans for after work Friday. First, he wants to meet at 8pm because he is seeing another friend at 5pm. I tell him 8pm is not going to work…even if I stayed late. I was planning on leaving on time and being at the restaurant by 6:30…then he says he will bring his friend along. Really? A date for us turns into a date for all of us…but then, not 10 minutes after making plans, he cancels, claiming bed bugs. However, at 8pm, I get a text saying he doesn’t have bed bugs and could we meet? No, we can’t. I am now in pajamas, eating leftover Chinese and watching South Beach Tow. I suggest maybe a movie over the weekend at a movie theater that has reclining La-Z-boys for chairs….GWB claims he cannot do that with me as he does not give up action on the first date. I just stated into space because no way can I make heads or tails of that statement. First, we are in PUBLIC; secondly, I am fat and you are gay…what action could possibly take place? You know what? He IS an asswipe, and an obviously confused one at that.

Work….the love affair is officially over. We have been swamped and slammed the past two weeks and it seems no matter how hard my department works, we never get praise or recognition. We are told that we can do better, no one is paying attention to detail and we need to start giving 100%. But this is not why the love is gone and I am ready to bail with less than 6 weeks left on the contract…now that the chips are down and shit is going south real fast….there is no team. I am getting more and more responsibility at the window (things which were never mentioned and are the responsibility of asset management) which makes me frustrated and uncomfortable. I am not wanting to be responsible for so many things and on which actual jobs may hinge if not done correctly, but it slows the efficiency of an ever growing crowd at my desk. Friday, I dealt with at least 150 people (my window is never empty), ran out of equipment twice, instructions three times and got into 3 arguments with customers because none of my team felt the need to inform either myself or the user what to expect and got into another argument with a customer who felt the need to insult me and my intelligence when he did not receive the answer he wanted from me…I raised up out of my seat on him. And THAT is when someone saw that I just might need help handling the crowd at the window. In addition to the customers, I have image sticks, external had drives, supplies (inventory, stocking, handing out/taking in), rosters to maintain, tickets for me and contractor technicians, rental assets (coming and going) and helping workplace take attendance, tracking incoming and outgoing assets via scanner and tickets… and probably three other things that have slipped my mind at the moment. And it takes me raising up and speaking up for them to see I need help.

I am ready to quit…I feel as if there is no team anymore, I feel as if I am being disrespected by the people who are supposed to be there to help me (just call if you need help. Yeah, okay) and frankly, I did not sign on at $16/hour for this bullshit and people wanting to take the target off their ass by putting it on mine. What I am supposed to be doing sits in an ever-growing pile untouched and I have no idea how to tackle it other than trashing the paperwork and starting all over again. I hate being responsible for other people’s duties and having to make sure I update everyone else’s productivity while mine is stagnant and non-existent. I am ready to call out, quit and just start over from scratch with a brand new game plan…and I feel I would be completely justified in doing so. I am still a contractor and after that one line about working on making me permanent, I have heard nothing else.

But, (and not sure if it is me or my people pleaser speaking here) even though others may not be team players, I am. Who gives up after one rough patch, and if I did, how would it affect my references and reviews for future employment? Not that raising up on customers will net me a 5 star review but quitting will definitely put me further behind in the race. Maybe no one can help me handle concert sized crowds and ever growing responsibilities because we are all slammed and swamped: 60 new joiners a week, imaging 200 laptops a week for the laptop upgrades, trying to locate 35 missing assets which could cost everyone their job, trying to trouble shoot existing programs that are causing more problems than solutions, techs dealing with 6+ laptops a day (that I give them…Lord knows what they get from service desk)…it is a lot for all of us and they aren’t calling out (okay, that’s a lie) but they are not threatening to quit.

I don’t know…all I know is I am overwhelmed and frustrated and have no idea where all this will lead and is it worth sticking with it. It could end as all the other assignments with a thank you and good luck, but it could also end with them recognizing that I do bring something to the team and they want to keep that. Either way the coin toss goes, I have my work cut out for me…learning to budget and pulling on my big girl panties (pun not intended) to deal with some of life’s unpleasantness. They will be lifelong lessons, hopefully. All I can say is, if joy found in the journey, I am ready for some..and time for the professional to pick up the slack because the personal and social are DOA at this point.

Okay, I’m done…and I swear, not trying to be a whiny bitch who vents all the time but if I cannot tell my blog, who can I tell? Going to grab a shower, toss in some laundry and try to write another post before the day is done. As always, thanks for stopping and reading (and putting up with me) and as usual….enjoy your day!

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Other People

It has been a minute since I posted, and it seemed I was fussing/ranting/venting with that post, and guess what? I am back ranting/venting/bitching. Does anyone remember that commercial with the catchphrase “life comes at you fast”? Yeah, well…it does and so do other people. Things get hectic, things change, things just come at you all the time, usually at the hands of other people…and next thing you know, you are writing blog posts in an effort to stave off the feeling of being overwhelmed while eating greasy takeout and watching a documentary on the disco era. Disco is seriously underrated, by the way.

This past week has been…frustrating is the word that comes to mind. First, I have to start off by wishing Morning Person a VERY happy birthday!! She took the day off, went out and had some fun…which she so deserves. Also, I acknowledged 11 years of uninterrupted recovery..so in a way, it was my birthday too. Usually on my anniversary, I tend to look back but not this year…I know I have come a very long way and look forward to what the road ahead has in store. Lord knows, the offerings have to be better than what they have been lately. Oscar came down to DC, and she had a wonderful time (at least I hope she did)…she hung out with me and Morning Person and had dinner, she talked to Cuz, Chef and New Mommy and she and I watched movies, talked, and laughed. If nothing else it was a change of scenery for her and a chance for us to talk openly and actually see each others’ reactions to confessions of stupid shit.

I saw Married Man….and he wants to try again. Seriously? I saw him at the subway station on a day I was incredibly late…he was on the bus and blew the horn. I was at the elevator, praying it would reach me before he did. No such luck and all I could do was be thankful I looked super cute in my shorter black polka dotted dress with some black patent leather flats. He said he did not realize how much he missed me until he saw me and he wants another chance…then FELL into me, I guess seeking a hug. I pushed him off of me, told him he owed me $3300 dollars for the back taxes I had to pay and his response? I told him to not file the 401K information. So his excuse for fucking over my financials, leaving me in debt to state and federal governments and ignoring my outreach efforts is it is all my fault. And this is supposed to make me want to try again with him and his wife, children and baby mamas? By this time the elevator arrived, I stepped in and let the doors close in his face.

Work…dear God. This has been the worst week of work ever, and maybe the word I am seeking is surreal. First off, I am ready to call out just to have a day of peace and rest. No one believes me, but I would take the day off and not even cut my computer on. I need to disconnect, badly. It is too much, too fast and never a break. We have a LOT of things going on at the office, and it seems no matter how hard we work, how quickly we get the customers what they want and need, it is never enough. Complaints are being lodged left and right against every member of the team and every little thing is becoming nerve wracking to me….Uncle Ben does not wish to be disturbed during his meals and that is fine. MY breakfast is interrupted every morning by folks whose breakfast wasn’t , but I digress. I understand wanting a few minutes of peace and to be able to digest your food properly, but for real, if you bring breakfast in at 8am and are STILL eating it at 10:30am when a line began forming at my window at 7:30am…we have a problem.

Newbie….I loathe that woman. I honestly do, and I try to work through it, around it and over it but bottom line is I do not like that woman and she gives more reason to not like her every day I go in that office. It started when she hung her Dell certificates on the wall of her cubicle…no one else feels the need to do so or even to personalize their space because they are working on laptops all day, but that is totally petty on my part. If she wants to hang her certificates, hang them. No, she really pissed me off when the office had their annual bowl-a-thon and she offered to be my ride. I sent her and Feisty One my numbers and asked them to call me well in advance as I do not get up early on Saturday mornings….and no one called me. I ended up sleeping and watching cable all that weekend. On Monday, Newbie claimed I never sent her anyway of contacting me; Feisty One apologized for forgetting about me. But here is the kicker, the VERY next day, Newbie is calling and texting me asking me to bring her a breakfast sandwich on my way into the office. Forget the fact that she gets to the office a full 30 minutes before I do…if I NEVER sent you my numbers, HOW are you calling me?? She invades my space at work and tries to take over my job…and this week I blew up at her. Apparently, the woman has some get it done now mentality that will not allow her to wait 10 minutes for me to do what I need to do to follow protocols and chains of command….she is crowding me out of my space to get all she need to get started, which makes her look pushy and me look slow and ignorant. I do not need that and I also need my space respected, and told her so in a not so subtle way. She isn’t speaking to me and frankly, I couldn’t give two fucks about that.

The customers…one put my job in jeopardy over a PEPSI, I kid you not. Dude came in wanting a laptop upgrade NOW and asked what would it take to make it happen? Lunch, cupcakes…a soda? He happened to offer the soda on the very day I had been stuck at my window for 4 hours straight….no bathroom, no cigarette, no getting a cup of water. Just a constant stream of people in my face, all wanting something. So I tell him a soda would be nice, but of course he does not have change. Joking around, I say Smart One has change…and this dude went to the mailroom of all places and told them I was trying to bribe him!!! Here is the kicker though…when he returned to pickup his laptop…he had the fucking Pepsi. And yes, I drank it. He was followed by the girl who blatantly lied on me and said I was rude to her and talked down to her…and all I did was let her vent and then got a tech to help her with her issues. Gay Work Boyfriend is not even a bright spot…he has been pulled from his project so we no longer ping during the day, and our date was literally washed away last weekend by the weather. We do talk on the phone on a regular basis though, if only to swear to each other that everything is okay. There is a ray of sunshine though…a guy at work who always stops past my window to say hello, have conversation and he has even shared a couple of smoke breaks with me. He is as tall as I am and looks like Harry Potter with red hair, and while I think he is nice and kinda cute, work has me too frazzled and worn out to even have a fantasy anything with him or about him. There is also the guy who I see every morning in the elevator who makes his way to my window to ask silly, obvious questions and says he would love to learn more about me, but again…too busy trying to keep up and hold onto my job to really try to find out what his agenda is.

I have stopped reading CL…it has been a week but one must start somewhere. Really, I had to…it was so filled with stupidity and negativity it was draining my spirit. I think CL should charge folks to respond to ads…that would cut down on the crazy. The arrangement ads, I am seriously no longer renewing them. Not only has it gotten more expensive to post them (went from $18 to $23) but in the two weeks since I last renewed them (I keep thinking someone will see it and help me stretch my dollars), not one response…and do you know I have posting them since October 2011? Yeah, it is time for everyone to take a break. I should be like UTA and Honeybee and take a freaking vacation.

Well, I think I have talked enough today and thinking bed and DVR is the plan for today. Somehow, during this frustrating work week I managed to find time after hours to cook, clean and do laundry. The laundry isn’t put away yet because it would appear that the closet ate my hangers. Hoping GWB and I can make some definite plans for either dinner after work or a fun day next weekend, and at some point need to get to a post office so my daddy can get his father’s day gift before Christmas. And hoping to have a new post up sooner versus later. Thinking about talking about truth….in my mind, it’s interesting but I always think I’m interesting…your opinion may vary.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Summer School

The heat and humidity have not been around a good 10 days yet and already brains are baked. I am dealing with my funky slump, trying to figure out what lesson will come of this latest stall on the Process Path, and people in my circle are bouncing off the walls…enough to make me grateful (not happy…grateful) to only have loneliness to contend with. I can see that a review of lessons is in order, so today with this post, we are headed back to class. No names will be mentioned and no situations will be revealed…this is simply a refresher course which hopefully will help some folks.

First thing, let’s stop with plans of revenge and trying to sabotage folks via their job, their vehicles, telling their wives, holding onto their possessions/property. None of that will bring the person back or make them want to stay with you to work it out. In fact, it may make them wonder why they were ever with you. No one wants to be in a relationship under duress, fear or threat of extortion. If the relationship is abusive…end it. Now. Love is not getting drunk, cursing each other out and slamming each other into walls. Stop holding folks hostage until they say what you want to hear or in some vain attempt to prolong the inevitable. Either you want to play games or you want a relationship….the two do not go together. And as much as you may want a relationship with that particular person…it is evident they do not want one with you. Stop hanging where you are not wanted.

Secondly, to those have been hurt/left/betrayed…stop saying I don’t care, I don’t give a fuck, it doesn’t bother me….you are lying. You DO care, you DO give a fuck (a lot of them) and it DOES bother you. If it didn’t, you would not have to say it. It is okay to tell people you are broken, hurt beyond belief and devastated. It is even okay for the person who did these things to you to know that. When you are first hurt, it takes all your strength just to make it through the day…your heart is hurting, you are struggling to breathe, your mind is racing and tears threaten to fall at anytime. You do not have the time nor the energy to waste words and lie to folks while your heart is in pieces all over the floor. Admit to yourself first that things are not okay and when you are ready, you can start making them okay again. Without resorting to revenge or game playing.

To the injured parties, you have a responsibility. Stop demanding answers and apologies, especially right after the betrayal has happened. The person who hurt you more than likely does not have an answer that will not hurt you further and let’s be truthful…you really do not want an apology or an explanation. You want to be right and to bask in the victim role as long as possible. If you are choosing to forgive the person and allow them to remain in your life, you cannot dangle what they did wrong over them. I am not saying to forget about it but if you choose to have them in your life, you are excusing the injury, which means you absolve them of all blame. If you choose to remove them from your life, break off communication. No, do not change your number or email address but block theirs. The less communication, the better. Whichever option you choose, remember the ultimate goal: you are trying to heal and move on, not stay stuck.

To the ones who inflicted the hurt: the best thing you can do is to NOT say I’m sorry, I understand, I know unless you really are apologetic and you do know and understand the depth of pain and hurt you caused. Saying those things in an offhand manner does not convey sincerity and to continue to do the same things after saying all of that just makes you an untrustworthy person. Because if you did know and understand, you would not continue to do those things. I want to say I understand and I half-ass kinda do get where you are coming from….we all want to be happy and sometimes for one to be happy, another has to be hurt but it is the way you go about things. When Him had made up his mind that BTH/BTGD was his One…him could have told me. Him could have kept his promise to always be honest and tell me if him wanted out. I still would have been hurt, but I would have had closure and some understanding that despite my best efforts, we just were not meant to be. Instead, him lied, led me on and then just turned on me. Just know that your responsibility is to remember to respect people, even when hurting them. And if your happiness means you continually disrespect another person, your happiness will be very short-lived. Ask Him if you don’t believe me.

I think I covered enough bases for this post although a refresher course will probably be necessary. I will be back later this week with (hopefully) love letters and will tell you all about my date with Gay Work Boyfriend…it is supposed to be pizza, movies and hanging at his place this Friday. Not sure why, but super excited and nervous…probably because it means something other than Monk marathons and Chinese food. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!