For this blog post, I was not sure what to write. A love letter to Chef or Artsy Craftsy or Cuz came to mind. A post on truth was drafted (actually just a title and a couple of snippets I wrote down so I would not forget them) or maybe even how hard friendship is/can be. All viable contenders but after the week I have had, I realized that I would be addressing issues that are raising up and need to be addressed. STAT.
First thing that I need to work on and as quickly as possible is my fiscal irresponsibility. I am poor, people…I know people say don’t say that but if you could see my bank accounts (or what is left of them), you would have to agree. I no longer have extra income (the arrangements are officially dead) so I need to learn to budget and live within MY means, not my means and everyone else’s. My instant gratification issues are going to have a fit and I will probably be a self-loathing, envious of everyone else mess for awhile, but it has to be done.
I need to find a better work/life balance. I used to be interesting and somewhat fun…now I am the chick who sleeps half her weekend away and works as hard on the remaining day as if it were a work day. I have no energy to go out and use my groupons and if I were ever lucky enough to find a date with a non-work related person, I would be the one who has no topic of conversation other than work and her ex. Seriously. I wonder if exercise would help with that, but I am not in a space or place to even consider a workout program. With all the stress I am currently under, it is all I can do to stick to my no junk food rule and to eat only when hungry.
I have decided there will be no co-worker dates unless it is with Smart One. Gay Work Boyfriend is a flake of the highest order and is thisclose to being written off as an asswipe. He always flakes at the last minute…most recently, we made plans for after work Friday. First, he wants to meet at 8pm because he is seeing another friend at 5pm. I tell him 8pm is not going to work…even if I stayed late. I was planning on leaving on time and being at the restaurant by 6:30…then he says he will bring his friend along. Really? A date for us turns into a date for all of us…but then, not 10 minutes after making plans, he cancels, claiming bed bugs. However, at 8pm, I get a text saying he doesn’t have bed bugs and could we meet? No, we can’t. I am now in pajamas, eating leftover Chinese and watching South Beach Tow. I suggest maybe a movie over the weekend at a movie theater that has reclining La-Z-boys for chairs….GWB claims he cannot do that with me as he does not give up action on the first date. I just stated into space because no way can I make heads or tails of that statement. First, we are in PUBLIC; secondly, I am fat and you are gay…what action could possibly take place? You know what? He IS an asswipe, and an obviously confused one at that.
Work….the love affair is officially over. We have been swamped and slammed the past two weeks and it seems no matter how hard my department works, we never get praise or recognition. We are told that we can do better, no one is paying attention to detail and we need to start giving 100%. But this is not why the love is gone and I am ready to bail with less than 6 weeks left on the contract…now that the chips are down and shit is going south real fast….there is no team. I am getting more and more responsibility at the window (things which were never mentioned and are the responsibility of asset management) which makes me frustrated and uncomfortable. I am not wanting to be responsible for so many things and on which actual jobs may hinge if not done correctly, but it slows the efficiency of an ever growing crowd at my desk. Friday, I dealt with at least 150 people (my window is never empty), ran out of equipment twice, instructions three times and got into 3 arguments with customers because none of my team felt the need to inform either myself or the user what to expect and got into another argument with a customer who felt the need to insult me and my intelligence when he did not receive the answer he wanted from me…I raised up out of my seat on him. And THAT is when someone saw that I just might need help handling the crowd at the window. In addition to the customers, I have image sticks, external had drives, supplies (inventory, stocking, handing out/taking in), rosters to maintain, tickets for me and contractor technicians, rental assets (coming and going) and helping workplace take attendance, tracking incoming and outgoing assets via scanner and tickets… and probably three other things that have slipped my mind at the moment. And it takes me raising up and speaking up for them to see I need help.
I am ready to quit…I feel as if there is no team anymore, I feel as if I am being disrespected by the people who are supposed to be there to help me (just call if you need help. Yeah, okay) and frankly, I did not sign on at $16/hour for this bullshit and people wanting to take the target off their ass by putting it on mine. What I am supposed to be doing sits in an ever-growing pile untouched and I have no idea how to tackle it other than trashing the paperwork and starting all over again. I hate being responsible for other people’s duties and having to make sure I update everyone else’s productivity while mine is stagnant and non-existent. I am ready to call out, quit and just start over from scratch with a brand new game plan…and I feel I would be completely justified in doing so. I am still a contractor and after that one line about working on making me permanent, I have heard nothing else.
But, (and not sure if it is me or my people pleaser speaking here) even though others may not be team players, I am. Who gives up after one rough patch, and if I did, how would it affect my references and reviews for future employment? Not that raising up on customers will net me a 5 star review but quitting will definitely put me further behind in the race. Maybe no one can help me handle concert sized crowds and ever growing responsibilities because we are all slammed and swamped: 60 new joiners a week, imaging 200 laptops a week for the laptop upgrades, trying to locate 35 missing assets which could cost everyone their job, trying to trouble shoot existing programs that are causing more problems than solutions, techs dealing with 6+ laptops a day (that I give them…Lord knows what they get from service desk)…it is a lot for all of us and they aren’t calling out (okay, that’s a lie) but they are not threatening to quit.
I don’t know…all I know is I am overwhelmed and frustrated and have no idea where all this will lead and is it worth sticking with it. It could end as all the other assignments with a thank you and good luck, but it could also end with them recognizing that I do bring something to the team and they want to keep that. Either way the coin toss goes, I have my work cut out for me…learning to budget and pulling on my big girl panties (pun not intended) to deal with some of life’s unpleasantness. They will be lifelong lessons, hopefully. All I can say is, if joy found in the journey, I am ready for some..and time for the professional to pick up the slack because the personal and social are DOA at this point.
Okay, I’m done…and I swear, not trying to be a whiny bitch who vents all the time but if I cannot tell my blog, who can I tell? Going to grab a shower, toss in some laundry and try to write another post before the day is done. As always, thanks for stopping and reading (and putting up with me) and as usual….enjoy your day!