The Missing Ingredient


This is not a love letter (getting back to writing them after this post) but the talk that brought about this post has inspired my next love letter. In between working (where I have been given even more responsibilities and visibility), thinking of a present to get my parents for their 50th wedding anniversary, listening to my new favorite group Memoryhouse and sending birthday wishes (this month alone we have Artsy Craftsy, New Mommy, my brother, Buddy, Baby Oscar and Oscar), I have been having talks with Chef.

I know, he is borderline crazy and nerve wracking at times but he is a great friend and talking with Chef helps me to realize things: about myself, about others, about what I really want both professionally and personally. So I have been talking to Chef about the lack of companionship and asking how does he handle it and also asking why I always, always, always find the crazy idiot men. His answers were enlightening: he handles his loneliness reminding himself of what he had with his fiancée and what he wants someone to bring into his life now. Whoever enters his life next does not necessarily have to be his fiancée reincarnated but they have to bring the same level of wonderfulness to his world. He wants someone who will respect that after twenty years with someone, while there will be no comparisons, there will always be caring for her. He wants someone who has their own as far as housing and a job/career and they have to have a life so if he is ever unavailable, they can actually function without him. Bottom line: the person cannot bring less than what he has had in the past. And with me, I need someone to bring more. I have settled too long for crumbs and corners and edges and I can recognize it now…and until that someone brings the more that I need and deserve, I will be single. (I love how he did not say alone or lonely)

He then asked me to write a list of the one thing that I truly liked about the four men in my recent past and to write down what they did to make me not like them. I pointed out I did a post on the positive I found in these men but Chef pointed out that the positive and what I liked about them can be two different things. When I said I really do not feel like analyzing why I don’t like them anymore, he said that I would see a pattern…that pattern would tell me what they all did not offer and what I need in the next person. So I did it…and what do you know? He was right! Below is my exercise and my findings:

Married Man: Hard pressed to find something I actually liked about the man and I feel badly about that. After all, I spent 7 years of my life with this man and I cannot come up with ONE thing I liked about him. He was rude, selfish, childish, irresponsible, a liar, ungrateful and so many other negative things. I cooked all his favorite meals for him on his schedule, did his laundry, gave him the keys to my apartment and was faithful to the man. Not really sounding like a fair trade-off, is it? No wonder I cannot find anything to like about the man. But what drove the love (if it was even that) away wasn’t the lies, it wasn’t the other women in my bed….it was a Saturday afternoon when we were together. I was in the middle of giving the man GREAT oral and he pushed me off him to answer.his.phone. Said it was his wife and he HAD to answer it. Really? Get the fuck out and answer your damned phone…and I that is what I did: I threw his clothes out in the hallway, pushed his naked ass out after them, locked my door and cried.

Him: OMG….where to begin here? I guess I will start with Chef is STILL pulling for him and I to get back together. Chef says neither of us have been really happy (I am doing a better job than him at it though) since the breakup and despite everything, Chef feels him and I still belong together and that this time, we can both get it right. I am flattered (simply because I do not know what else to be) and I have to admit, a little hopeful because one of the many things I did like about him was the fact that him was one of the few men where adult fun was the result of our visits and time together, not the reason for it. Him and I would talk about the most random things and we could talk for hours and never get bored. We would cook for each other, cuddle, laugh, and just have the most amazing times that were topped off by sexual encounters. And I miss that and wish other men would put as much effort into just having a good time with a woman versus seeking “fun”. We all know what he did to make me not like him….no need in spoiling good memories with the ending of the story.

AFO: What did I like about AFO other than the hot, hot, hot sex (which would have eventually gotten on my nerves…that is how high his sex drive was)? I liked the fact that he wanted me and enjoyed coming home to me. It was really nice for a brief time to have someone in my space who made me feel sexy, wanted and desired. Why don’t I like him anymore? Kind of hard to stay in like with someone who treats you as if you do not exist once you have left their eyesight. Not going to lie here, if AFO had at least tried to keep up some form of regular communication with me once he returned to the Gulf Coast, I would still be trying to make it work between us.

WB: In the beginning, I thought he was cute and fun and spontaneous….all things that were missing from my life. I thought he could be the one to pique my curiosity and my partner when it came to exploring the city at night while a soundtrack only I could hear played in my head. Then reality intruded and he showed who he really was and at this point, I see that he is a young, dumb boy with entitlement issues who indulges in random fuckery (STILL doing it!) just for the hell of it. I view him as a cardboard cutout looking for others to prop him up and put him position. What really killed the like I had for WB was when he asked me to do something to help him out that would have put my job in jeopardy…and when asked what he would do for me if I made it happen, he actually said he would take me bowling! The man who cannot cross the street to bring me back a beverage that he offered to get is going to be seen with me after hours and in his neighborhood? Seriously? Oh, and then he followed it up with offering to take me to lunch but I went too late for him. Yeah, a professional relationship is doubtful at this point.

So what I discovered in making the list is that despite my best efforts to be there for these men, to give them what they wanted and needed, to be a genuinely good, decent woman and friend…none of them appreciated a damn thing. If I was not taken for granted, I was outright disrespected (probably both in all 4 cases) and all my efforts went unnoticed and I did not even get a thank you. I do not know what the endings so far say about me and them….Married Man is still in his marriage with multiple women on the side; Him is with BTH/BTGD, broke and unhappy as hell; AFO is somewhere in America, still alone and WB is walking around with his 5th new laptop in less than 2 months and no one who is willing to deal with him any longer, at least in my department. And I am alone, posting for movie dates on CL…and while I know why I would rather be here than back with them, was I that bad that they would rather be where they are than with me?

But the purpose of the exercise is not/was not to question myself in a negative but to see what I need from the next person that I have not gotten previously and that is appreciation. Really sad that this entire blog post could be summed up in one sentence but I have to take the long way around because I tend to overlook and conveniently forget a LOT of things that will land me back in the same position, asking the same questions. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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