I have not blogged in awhile and it is not because I have not wanted to….I just don’t know what to say. The love letters I was all set to write got pushed away by life. Work is a beast and it is becoming…work. A lot of blame placing, a lot of follow-ups that go unacknowledged, rude customers who feel that we all have fairy dust up our asses and can shit all over their problems and make them disappear and the ever growing pile of paperwork. I still love it (still getting there on time and calling out only when sick) but wondering am I still in love with it.
My sisters and I put together a 50th wedding anniversary celebration for my parents and that was incredibly stressful. I think I have told you all before that dealing with my family is not a favorite anything of mine. Control issues, delusion and barely concealed crazy run rampant (at least to me they do) and me with my people pleasing tendencies and still trying to make up for lost time and hurt feelings from my days of addiction…I curb my control issues to do my part to prove we are a typical, normal and Norman Rockwell family. And my control issues do not fare well when not given some sort of rein. But I held it together, decided against beating folks over the head with baseball bats and bags of rocks and it was a bittersweet celebration. Oh, did I mention the menu was hot dogs with potato salad, cole slaw and green salad? But they were incredibly good hot dogs.
The celebration was sweet because how many folks get to celebrate 50 years of uninterrupted marriage? And the fact that they were surprised by the decorations and the presents and the letters we wrote them (maybe I will share the letter here…perfect love letter to my parents) and my sister made an incredible DVD that brought back so many memories and made us all cry. It was a day filled with love and I was so happy to be a part of it. The celebration was bitter because it has me thinking just how many years do I have left with my parents? It got me to thinking that the love they have for each other…I WANT that and I just do not think I will find it. I do not even need 50 years of it…just let me know what it feels like to love and be in love and have it returned. Please. But times are so much different than they were 50 years ago, and I am at an age where most men are married or if they are still single, not looking to settle down with anyone. Heaven forbid if they are divorced…damaged goods is simply inadequate to describe those dudes.
I guess the magic is leaving and I am feeling disenchanted…I cannot even verbalize it at this point because I have already said it all before: I’m lonely, I am no longer enough for me and all the things people do to fill the voids and make a life are slowly becoming a part of the problem instead of part of the solution. I never have time or money at the same time to do things like travel, I have no energy to use my groupons to go to the museums and to see the plays…and frankly, if I am going to make memories I want to make them with someone…not tell someone about them. I am just in a slump and it is weird because I am losing weight (not a lot, but I can see and feel it) and the job is working on making me a permanent offer. Both of those sound like things to celebrate and be happy about, but I’m strange because all I want to do is curl in a ball, shut the world out and sleep…after cussing everyone out. I don’t know…for whatever reason, I am running out of steam and not only do I know how to regain my mojo….not sure I would want to.
Well, this turned out to be a depressing post, but I needed to get at least that little bit off of me. Now, at almost 9pm, going to finish cooking and putting laundry away…one good thing about control issues…even when your life is falling apart piece by piece, they find things to keep you busy to help you keep the mask in place and hold it together for just one more day.