Today, I am going to talk about what it is going on with me. Another truthful post that is more for me than anyone else. You readers know the drill: I put it in writing so I can come back to it and also to help that one person who may need someone to articulate what they are going through also. I know I cannot be the only person going through, making discoveries and trying to heal and improve. I am just more honest about it..at least here I am. In my last post, I told you all I was an angry black woman, and part of that reason is because I’m lonely. I never thought I would admit that…I have always said I am alone but not lonely…but I am. Not in a knit sweaters while surrounded by cats and watching Lawrence Welk reruns kind of way, but in a I wish someone were here with me tonight kind of way. I know the few male readers I have are putting away lube, cutting off porn and preparing to send me Facebook friend requests, but not so fast, fellas. I’m lonely, not horny…there is a difference.
I told you guys before I am lacking intimacy in my life, and I am also lacking attention both receiving and giving. I want someone who is going to email and ping me during the work day on a consistent basis, not just when they need help downloading software (which they got from the incorrect site); I want someone who when I say hello is going to actually respond. I want someone to go to dinners, movies, plays, museums with. I want someone to wear my sexy party dresses for. I want someone to use my groupons with. I want someone who has time for me outside the bedroom , not just inside of it; who does not have a wife or a girlfriend and is not hung up on someone else. I want to be the best thing, not the next best thing. I am trying really hard to both have and live up to standards and ideals and not settle (at my age, settling is no longer an option…no way am I spending the rest of my life with men I KNOW are not on my level), but it is a lonely task people.
I am a huge part of my problem and I accept my blame in this…I was advised by Morning Person to avoid using the word “fault” when possible as fault is a negative word which assigns blame, but sometimes people just come out the gate wrong, and I am one of them. Recently on Facebook, I posed the following: “you are your best friend and worst enemy…how are you treating yourself today?” and I am going to be truthful here: I am my worst enemy 90% of the time. (I already know everyone else is saying they are their best friend) I would punch someone in their stomach twice if they said the things to me I say to myself. And how many times have I declared a man not just crazy, but butt-fuck crazy when they express interest in me? That is not fair to me or the guy…and of course, because I have already labeled him as crazy…that is all I am looking for in him. The crazy. Not the good qualities he has, not his potential…I am looking for his crazy and if he does not show it soon enough for me, I tend to show my crazy. That’s not good.
I need help with stopping the self-sabotage that no one really knows about…I feel a depression coming on (if you don’t believe me, ask my apartment) and frankly, I am tired of doing things alone. When I was in relationships, I did things alone due to lack of interest on their part or scheduling conflicts, when I was going through the breakup/breakdown I did things alone. And I am no longer enough for me…I want someone to do things with, go places with, someone to meet after work and to lose sleep over/with because of late night phone calls we don’t want to end. I want plans for the summer, weekend road trips and to run fingers through his hair while we watch Big Brother. I want long massages and to lay my head on his chest while we sleep. I want a man in my life who actually wants to be in my life and I am hoping that it is not too much to ask for and not too late for it to happen.
In the meantime, I am doing what I can…I try to compliment myself and others at least three times a day; I am more conscious of how much food I put in my mouth (I still try to be healthier but sometimes, fried is a food group); I have cut back tremendously on the comparisons to other women. And I had a real dinner date….with a guy from Craigslist. Yeah, yeah, yeah…but that should be a clear indicator of just how lonely I am. However, I found him in the “LTR” section…his ad was well written, respectful, no penis pics and no mention of becoming sexual off the bat. To top it off, he WANTED a tall BBW. No way could I not answer the ad…and he seemed nice, normal and sane. He is single, gainfully employed and has his own place. We got along well via email and chat and decided to meet…I wanted Vapiano’s (the yummy pasta place) but we agreed on a quiet Chinese restaurant in Chinatown so we would not have to scream at each other to be heard and the crowd would not distract us. We also agreed to split the check as it was a meet & greet versus a first date…if we wanted to see each other again, it would be a first date and his treat.
And that is when the flags began dropping like flies: he went from 6 feet even to 5’9”, he gained 25 pounds and his entire complexion changed from white to darkly exotic…oh, and he went from clean shaven to having a goatee. My first thought was to bail but I thought about it….why the hell not go? At least he was showing me his crazy, we would be in public and the worst that could happen is he looked like a complete troll. So I went and had a GREAT time…he looked more Irish than Italian but the first person I thought of when I saw him was a taller Arnold Horseshack with brown hair. We ate, talked, asked questions, laughed and actually held hands as we left the restaurant. On the ride home, we texted each other like crazy making first/next date plans until I told him I was a smoker. Things were going so great, I did not want to but cigarette smoking is not something one can hide and with the majority of folks in this town being non-smokers, I felt it was the responsible thing to do.
Of course, it was a deal breaker but we agreed to be occasional dinner/hang out buds and I am not even disappointed. I was honest, upfront and myself and I was found attractive and desirable by someone who came across as intelligent, respectful and funny. It’s a step in the right direction. I am going to continue with making little changes, taking small chances and finding the blessings and good in being sometimes happily single. But, Lord…it gets lonely sometimes.