I am an angry black woman… a topic I will explore in the next post, and somewhat slightly redundant. Only black women are angry…all other races are jaded or bitter. Whatever it is called, it pretty much means that we are tired, fed up and trying really hard not to take it anymore. I know the guards and walls I put up are a form of negativity. I say it is to prevent me from getting hurt (no one gets in, I cannot be vulnerable) but it also prevents me from loving someone and/or letting them love me and I have too much love inside of me to give to someone. One day I will get it right, but in the meantime, my love life is summed up in four little lines from Sweet Dreams are Made of This by the Eurhythmics…if you are an 80s baby, a fan of the band or of Annie Lennox or have seen the movie Sucker Punch, you know the lines as well: “Some of them want to use you; some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you; some of them want to be abused.” I tend to fall into the be used/be abused category…and you know I’m telling the truth.
In today’s post, I am going to try to turn the anger and the negativity (I know at least one someone out there understands me and may not view it as negativity but too many Panel members are calling me bitchy and mean) towards men and see the positive side of things…and unfortunately for me, realizing I am better off with the arrangements than actually putting myself out there does not count as a positive. Hell, if I am feeling ambitious I may even try to toss in the lesson they taught me. I am going to use the four men who have been instrumental in me giving birth to this blog (my wonderful, wonderful therapy) and also do what they can to keep it going. We are all familiar with the men so no one is a stranger here; these men have all raised existent issues (or at least made me aware that I still have them) and I would like to say they each raised a different set, so we are all in familiar territory. So, I am now taking a deep breath, crossing fingers and diving into the positive end of the pool.
Married Man: This is the one who never should have been….he is married, irresponsible (7 kids, 4 baby mamas), used my apartment as his personal love nest, told needless lies and turned out to be vengeful beyond belief (I got slapped with $2700 tax bill while unemployed due to his negligence and irresponsibility). Finding something positive in him/with him was hard to do but I have to say, he was the first man to show me acceptance…who I was, where I was. It was okay that I was an addict or that I did not have pretty clothes or that I was living in a shelter. He was the first man to know most of the truth about me and my lifestyle and still he accepted me…granted, for his own selfish reasons but still, it was acceptance. The issue he raised: trust. The lesson I learned from my time with Married Man was to just stay away from married/attached men when it comes to long-term relationships. They are cheaters, liars, your life/schedule ends up revolving around both their life/schedule and their spouse’s life/schedule, and anything ongoing brings about an emotional connection…and where does that leave you?
Him: I have no idea what to say about him/us…I loved him, still care somewhat and him was the one who hurt me the most. I think I am okay with calling what the breakup put me through a mental breakdown. But, I can find positives in what we had and two of the positives that stand out are how great it felt to be understood by him and how wonderful it felt to let the guards down and just be with him. I have understanding amongst my Panel but to be able to be care about and be intimate with someone who has that same level of understanding one finds among their closest and oldest friends? Couple that with being able to let them into your very being without fear of judgment…apparently I picked the wrong guy to let the guards down for, but I have had a taste of what it means to be free and fearless with a guy I love and I want it again. The issues he raised; trust,validation. Two lessons I learned are to let go (prefereably sooner than later) and that sometimes all it takes for a relationship to work is for one party to be in love and the other party to play along.
AFO: He wasn’t around long enough to qualify as a true relationship but I discovered how great it was to have pure sex…yes, I liked him and he said things to make me think he liked me also but the basis was just getting naked and having animalistic sex. And it was really good to just be able to have someone to be kinky with, build stamina with and just have a hard release on a daily basis with. I do not think it would have been as enjoyable without some sort of connection on my part (I have to feel something and they have to be somewhat intelligent) but what it was…was hot. The issue he raised: control. Lesson learned here….not every guy I have hot sex with will turn into a magical ever after and I need to accept that sometimes hot sex is just that.
WB: This dude…mixed signals, broken promises, inexperienced and immature in all things real world. I get pings that say he wants me, he likes me and to take it outside the office…then disappears only to return for work related issues and say that his only reason for contacting me is because he considers me his personal helpdesk. He shows up at my desk to ask me what I want from Starbucks only for me to run across him three hours later and hear “they didn’t have what you asked for.” He says he likes me a lot yet lies and breaks promises. He says he does not want to upset me, yet seeks me out for unwanted fuckery. Now that I have called him out on his stupidity and immaturity, he wants us to take a step back and stay “professional”…and I can only ask step back from what? And it has gotten to the point that the last two times I saw WB, I did not even recognize him….he has not changed but apparently I have. I am agreeing with Artsy Craftsy and Oscar that the guy is a re.tard. and wonder what do I see in him See, this guy is the reason Year of 2013 is the year of no second chances but in the beginning, when it was light, flirty and I got over my issues…it was FUN. And I have not had fun in a long time…so there is my positive.The issues he raised: confidence, esteem, pursuing lost causes. As for the lesson learned? Time to stop giving other people the credit and accolades I need to be bestowing upon myself.
So hopefully I did a good enough job of finding one thing in the men I either had something with or wanted something with without coming across like a complete idiot. There were reasons I hung in there and exerted efforts and held onto hope and I am glad I am still able to glean the good from the wreckage. Now I have about three hours left to clean the apartment, iron a suit and do laundry before time to catch Once Upon A Time (are you watching that show?). I will be back soon with more posts…as always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!