Time to Make the Doughnuts

I am sick…again. No Noro Virus this time around (thank goodness) but a cold. It is not as bad as some I have had, but it is enough to make me just not want to do anything. Factor in that Mother Nature has chosen to show her face for the second month in a row (what happened to menopause?? Did it just give up?) and I really just want to lay in bed and make the world go away. I blame the sudden rash of illness and the mysterious disappearance of menopause on work…not the actual work itself but on the details involved when one holds a job. The not getting enough sleep, the long hours (I am up a good 2 hours before I actually begin my commute and don’t make it home until about 6:30 after getting off work at 5), co-workers (who are germy and if they have kids, they are doubly germy) and the commute. Oh, the commute…if you drive in, I envy you. Public transportation is a hot bed of germs and one is subjected to the elements (who do what they want, when they want) and this where I think my run-down immune system is picking up these nasty bugs.

Another scenario that has crossed my mind about this rash of illness centers on WB. I think the man literally makes me sick. When I was struck down by the Noro Virus two weeks ago, the last person I saw was WB….he had come past to just see me, wish me a good weekend and to tell me his weekend plans. Less than 24 hours later, I was down for the count. This time around, I felt the cold coming on like a freight train less than 24 hours after spending a good chunk of the afternoon with the man at my desk and in my face. He had to come to the office to get his laptop repaired (again) and told me how sorry he was about what had happened regarding the Starbucks incident; he wanted to start over and this time, he would not fuck it up. I kept it cool and neutral, friendly and professional and did not mention the incident at all. Not quite sure what we are starting over, but this time the ball is in his court….I need actions, not words. If he is sincere, he will make it happen. But, I digress…after getting home that evening, I felt the sore throat and congestion building. Friday, I was completely congested and this weekend…full blown cold with all the bangs and whistles. Coincidence? Could be…that or the bacteria that is crawling all over the fresh loads of bullshit WB is passing out keep finding their way into my body.

But today, I want to talk about my job…the one I still love, the one where I enjoy the folks I work with and the one where I know I am needed and appreciated. Paychecks and validation…what more could I ask for? The company itself is actually a brand new company which is a subsidiary/off-shoot of a Fortune 100 (it ranks in the Top 50) company and is growing rapidly with over 5,000 employees and contractors, so there are lots of growing pains and transitioning going on right now. Even though I call the location I work at HQ, the actual HQ is located in Denver; I work in the IT department (2nd Tier) and there are only three locations for IT: San Diego, San Antonio and Arlington, VA. Arlington pretty much handles the IT for the East Coast: we get folks from DC, Baltimore, Richmond, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, NYC, Boston, Raleigh, NC, Florida and I even had a person from Wichita, Kansas.

The IT team is divided into two groups: Depot team which handles asset management and LTS, which actually repairs the laptops. My job is to assist both teams in all ways possible and dole out customer service so it gets super crazy sometimes. I work with the technicians on both teams and with the exception of one, we all get along super well…we understand that we all have a lot on our plates and that IT is a constantly changing field so we are all still learning something new every day and I would like to introduce you to my team:

Smart One: this guy has a natural curiosity and pretty much knows everything. He is a know-it-all in a good way as he wants you to know what he knows. His favorite expression is “if you don’t know the answer, odds are you know someone who does.” We have done happy hours together and since we are both single, we may become hangout buddies. I try not to call on him every single time, but I think I do.

My Favorite: he is sweet, smart and will give me the tools I need to not call on someone every single time. We talk, we laugh, we share music, food and we sit right next to each other. No wonder he is my favorite.

The Hard Working Tech: honestly, he is hard working but he has to be in the mood to want to work hard, which I understand. He knows the job (well) and he knows what he is doing but there are days when you really just want to coast along…and he is quite honest about it when those days come around. I can only respect that. He keeps threatening to leave me, but I tell him we need to think of the children.

The One I Love: No, it is not WB (he isn’t even a tech or on my team) and he is married with children, but this guy is a clown. He always has jokes, always asks how everyone is doing and tries to keep the moods light when we get too stressed out. He makes the most amazing kabob chicken and when I tasted it for the first time at the potluck I declared him to be my Work Husband. After tasting my cooking, he said we could stay married.

The Feisty One: she is the lead technician on the Depot team and she always, always, always has a quip or a comeback. I feel close to her because she and I are in the same age group, have the same trust issues when it comes to men and are doing what we can to pass the time while being somewhat happily single to become better people physically, emotionally and mentally.

The Special One: Dude is socially awkward, speaks extremely slowly and has this look of constant confusion on his face….I thought he was slow when I first met him. But give him scraps, pieces, screws ands tools and he can build a functioning laptop out of practically nothing. He is strange as hell but smart as a whip.

The Fashionable One: He is a contractor, knows more than he or anyone gives him credit for and can dress his ass off. I think he was a woman in another life. I also think he lives a secret life as he comes to work extremely tired which makes him careless (he actually returned a repaired laptop minus the hard drive) and causes him to fall asleep at his desk at the most inopportune times.

The Awesome One: She is my manager and is incredibly amazing. Calm, laid back, level headed and knows more than the Smart One. She has a sense of humor, is empathetic and sympathetic without being a pushover or allowing others to take advantage. She likes my energy, my enthusiasm and the fact that I am not dumb. I heart the Awesome One.

The Hard Headed One: dude is brash, in your face and knows only one way to do things: his way. But he is always there to offer a helping hand, will admit when he does not know things and will ask for help when he needs it. I did not like him when he first came onboard, but he is growing on me.

The Sweet One: She really is a sweetheart. She is a single mom who actually listens to the customers when they complain about their laptop and professionally, she is damn good at what she does. Personally, she is too trusting, too open and too honest when it comes to the men in her life and I swear, I see so much of myself in her. She is currently seeing her version of Married Man, and as much as I want to tell her to back away and never look back…I listen and suggest she not get so involved on an emotional level. I think I am way too late with the suggestions, but she knows I have a shoulder and an ear for her when she needs one.

The Newbie: Not sure what to say about this chick….she is brand new so not sure what she knows or what she can teach me but she is eager to work, which is a good thing. The bad part about that is, since she does not know our protocol, she comes across like Lucy Ricardo in the episode where she went to work in the candy factory. Knew nothing about the process but saw the rhythm…and Lucy went straight for trying to find her rhythm without knowing anything about getting into her groove…did that just make sense? Anyway, that is what I see in Newbie so far…that and the fact that she talks on her phone constantly. And loudly.

Uncle Ben: I have had mixed feelings about Uncle Ben from Day 1….for starters, he lives in my neighborhood. Which means we have the same commute..which means on days when I am lazy and running late, I cannot blame it on the metro being delayed. It also means I have to stick to strict schedule as I cannot be coming in the office AFTER Uncle Ben when we have the exact same commute. But he seemed okay…a contractor with 30 years experience in the field (so he claims) and he wants a permanent job, but whenever I try to help him showcase his talents to show the company why keeping him around would be a good idea…he has no clue what to do. If I use my personality to showcase my talents and work, he kisses ass to do his. He has thrown me under the bus twice, the other techs keep their distance from him and all he has going for him is to walk our manager to the subway after work and fill her in on the few tidbits of gossip he hears around the office. I am pretty neutral in my dealings with Uncle Ben (I swear, he looks just like the guy on the Uncle Ben’s rice box!) and stay on my toes whenever he is around.

So this is my crew at work. They are a huge part of why I do enjoy my job (in addition to Lunch Buddy, Smoking Buddy and the crazy cast of customers that come past the window everyday) and why I don’t fuss too much about getting up before the sun to come into work. Now about to try and clean up the apartment some to clear these nasty germs out and work on some love letter blog posts. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Advertisements

Lonely

Today, I am going to talk about what it is going on with me. Another truthful post that is more for me than anyone else. You readers know the drill: I put it in writing so I can come back to it and also to help that one person who may need someone to articulate what they are going through also. I know I cannot be the only person going through, making discoveries and trying to heal and improve. I am just more honest about it..at least here I am. In my last post, I told you all I was an angry black woman, and part of that reason is because I’m lonely. I never thought I would admit that…I have always said I am alone but not lonely…but I am. Not in a knit sweaters while surrounded by cats and watching Lawrence Welk reruns kind of way, but in a I wish someone were here with me tonight kind of way. I know the few male readers I have are putting away lube, cutting off porn and preparing to send me Facebook friend requests, but not so fast, fellas. I’m lonely, not horny…there is a difference.

I told you guys before I am lacking intimacy in my life, and I am also lacking attention both receiving and giving. I want someone who is going to email and ping me during the work day on a consistent basis, not just when they need help downloading software (which they got from the incorrect site); I want someone who when I say hello is going to actually respond. I want someone to go to dinners, movies, plays, museums with. I want someone to wear my sexy party dresses for. I want someone to use my groupons with. I want someone who has time for me outside the bedroom , not just inside of it; who does not have a wife or a girlfriend and is not hung up on someone else. I want to be the best thing, not the next best thing. I am trying really hard to both have and live up to standards and ideals and not settle (at my age, settling is no longer an option…no way am I spending the rest of my life with men I KNOW are not on my level), but it is a lonely task people.

I am a huge part of my problem and I accept my blame in this…I was advised by Morning Person to avoid using the word “fault” when possible as fault is a negative word which assigns blame, but sometimes people just come out the gate wrong, and I am one of them. Recently on Facebook, I posed the following: “you are your best friend and worst enemy…how are you treating yourself today?” and I am going to be truthful here: I am my worst enemy 90% of the time. (I already know everyone else is saying they are their best friend) I would punch someone in their stomach twice if they said the things to me I say to myself. And how many times have I declared a man not just crazy, but butt-fuck crazy when they express interest in me? That is not fair to me or the guy…and of course, because I have already labeled him as crazy…that is all I am looking for in him. The crazy. Not the good qualities he has, not his potential…I am looking for his crazy and if he does not show it soon enough for me, I tend to show my crazy. That’s not good.

I need help with stopping the self-sabotage that no one really knows about…I feel a depression coming on (if you don’t believe me, ask my apartment) and frankly, I am tired of doing things alone. When I was in relationships, I did things alone due to lack of interest on their part or scheduling conflicts, when I was going through the breakup/breakdown I did things alone. And I am no longer enough for me…I want someone to do things with, go places with, someone to meet after work and to lose sleep over/with because of late night phone calls we don’t want to end. I want plans for the summer, weekend road trips and to run fingers through his hair while we watch Big Brother. I want long massages and to lay my head on his chest while we sleep. I want a man in my life who actually wants to be in my life and I am hoping that it is not too much to ask for and not too late for it to happen.

In the meantime, I am doing what I can…I try to compliment myself and others at least three times a day; I am more conscious of how much food I put in my mouth (I still try to be healthier but sometimes, fried is a food group); I have cut back tremendously on the comparisons to other women. And I had a real dinner date….with a guy from Craigslist. Yeah, yeah, yeah…but that should be a clear indicator of just how lonely I am. However, I found him in the “LTR” section…his ad was well written, respectful, no penis pics and no mention of becoming sexual off the bat. To top it off, he WANTED a tall BBW. No way could I not answer the ad…and he seemed nice, normal and sane. He is single, gainfully employed and has his own place. We got along well via email and chat and decided to meet…I wanted Vapiano’s (the yummy pasta place) but we agreed on a quiet Chinese restaurant in Chinatown so we would not have to scream at each other to be heard and the crowd would not distract us. We also agreed to split the check as it was a meet & greet versus a first date…if we wanted to see each other again, it would be a first date and his treat.

And that is when the flags began dropping like flies: he went from 6 feet even to 5’9”, he gained 25 pounds and his entire complexion changed from white to darkly exotic…oh, and he went from clean shaven to having a goatee. My first thought was to bail but I thought about it….why the hell not go? At least he was showing me his crazy, we would be in public and the worst that could happen is he looked like a complete troll. So I went and had a GREAT time…he looked more Irish than Italian but the first person I thought of when I saw him was a taller Arnold Horseshack with brown hair. We ate, talked, asked questions, laughed and actually held hands as we left the restaurant. On the ride home, we texted each other like crazy making first/next date plans until I told him I was a smoker. Things were going so great, I did not want to but cigarette smoking is not something one can hide and with the majority of folks in this town being non-smokers, I felt it was the responsible thing to do.

Of course, it was a deal breaker but we agreed to be occasional dinner/hang out buds and I am not even disappointed. I was honest, upfront and myself and I was found attractive and desirable by someone who came across as intelligent, respectful and funny. It’s a step in the right direction. I am going to continue with making little changes, taking small chances and finding the blessings and good in being sometimes happily single. But, Lord…it gets lonely sometimes.

Flipping the Script

I am an angry black woman… a topic I will explore in the next post, and somewhat slightly redundant. Only black women are angry…all other races are jaded or bitter. Whatever it is called, it pretty much means that we are tired, fed up and trying really hard not to take it anymore. I know the guards and walls I put up are a form of negativity. I say it is to prevent me from getting hurt (no one gets in, I cannot be vulnerable) but it also prevents me from loving someone and/or letting them love me and I have too much love inside of me to give to someone. One day I will get it right, but in the meantime, my love life is summed up in four little lines from Sweet Dreams are Made of This by the Eurhythmics…if you are an 80s baby, a fan of the band or of Annie Lennox or have seen the movie Sucker Punch, you know the lines as well: “Some of them want to use you; some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you; some of them want to be abused.” I tend to fall into the be used/be abused category…and you know I’m telling the truth.

In today’s post, I am going to try to turn the anger and the negativity (I know at least one someone out there understands me and may not view it as negativity but too many Panel members are calling me bitchy and mean) towards men and see the positive side of things…and unfortunately for me, realizing I am better off with the arrangements than actually putting myself out there does not count as a positive. Hell, if I am feeling ambitious I may even try to toss in the lesson they taught me. I am going to use the four men who have been instrumental in me giving birth to this blog (my wonderful, wonderful therapy) and also do what they can to keep it going. We are all familiar with the men so no one is a stranger here; these men have all raised existent issues (or at least made me aware that I still have them) and I would like to say they each raised a different set, so we are all in familiar territory. So, I am now taking a deep breath, crossing fingers and diving into the positive end of the pool.

Married Man: This is the one who never should have been….he is married, irresponsible (7 kids, 4 baby mamas), used my apartment as his personal love nest, told needless lies and turned out to be vengeful beyond belief (I got slapped with $2700 tax bill while unemployed due to his negligence and irresponsibility). Finding something positive in him/with him was hard to do but I have to say, he was the first man to show me acceptance…who I was, where I was. It was okay that I was an addict or that I did not have pretty clothes or that I was living in a shelter. He was the first man to know most of the truth about me and my lifestyle and still he accepted me…granted, for his own selfish reasons but still, it was acceptance. The issue he raised: trust. The lesson I learned from my time with Married Man was to just stay away from married/attached men when it comes to long-term relationships. They are cheaters, liars, your life/schedule ends up revolving around both their life/schedule and their spouse’s life/schedule, and anything ongoing brings about an emotional connection…and where does that leave you?

Him: I have no idea what to say about him/us…I loved him, still care somewhat and him was the one who hurt me the most. I think I am okay with calling what the breakup put me through a mental breakdown. But, I can find positives in what we had and two of the positives that stand out are how great it felt to be understood by him and how wonderful it felt to let the guards down and just be with him. I have understanding amongst my Panel but to be able to be care about and be intimate with someone who has that same level of understanding one finds among their closest and oldest friends? Couple that with being able to let them into your very being without fear of judgment…apparently I picked the wrong guy to let the guards down for, but I have had a taste of what it means to be free and fearless with a guy I love and I want it again. The issues he raised; trust,validation. Two lessons I learned are to let go (prefereably sooner than later) and that sometimes all it takes for a relationship to work is for one party to be in love and the other party to play along.

AFO: He wasn’t around long enough to qualify as a true relationship but I discovered how great it was to have pure sex…yes, I liked him and he said things to make me think he liked me also but the basis was just getting naked and having animalistic sex. And it was really good to just be able to have someone to be kinky with, build stamina with and just have a hard release on a daily basis with. I do not think it would have been as enjoyable without some sort of connection on my part (I have to feel something and they have to be somewhat intelligent) but what it was…was hot. The issue he raised: control. Lesson learned here….not every guy I have hot sex with will turn into a magical ever after and I need to accept that sometimes hot sex is just that.

WB: This dude…mixed signals, broken promises, inexperienced and immature in all things real world. I get pings that say he wants me, he likes me and to take it outside the office…then disappears only to return for work related issues and say that his only reason for contacting me is because he considers me his personal helpdesk. He shows up at my desk to ask me what I want from Starbucks only for me to run across him three hours later and hear “they didn’t have what you asked for.” He says he likes me a lot yet lies and breaks promises. He says he does not want to upset me, yet seeks me out for unwanted fuckery. Now that I have called him out on his stupidity and immaturity, he wants us to take a step back and stay “professional”…and I can only ask step back from what? And it has gotten to the point that the last two times I saw WB, I did not even recognize him….he has not changed but apparently I have. I am agreeing with Artsy Craftsy and Oscar that the guy is a re.tard. and wonder what do I see in him See, this guy is the reason Year of 2013 is the year of no second chances but in the beginning, when it was light, flirty and I got over my issues…it was FUN. And I have not had fun in a long time…so there is my positive.The issues he raised: confidence, esteem, pursuing lost causes. As for the lesson learned? Time to stop giving other people the credit and accolades I need to be bestowing upon myself.

So hopefully I did a good enough job of finding one thing in the men I either had something with or wanted something with without coming across like a complete idiot. There were reasons I hung in there and exerted efforts and held onto hope and I am glad I am still able to glean the good from the wreckage. Now I have about three hours left to clean the apartment, iron a suit and do laundry before time to catch Once Upon A Time (are you watching that show?). I will be back soon with more posts…as always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Officer Goodbody

I am sitting here drinking vanilla coconut milk (so delicious but still thrown off by the no dairy statement) and eating fresh strawberries, wallowing in a funk of sorts. I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out the last time I kissed a man, the last time I touched a man or was touched by one. The last time I had random, interesting conversation with a man while naked and sated. The arrangements don’t count as they are all but ended and honestly…the sex was not that great. There were a couple of standouts, but for the most part it was either all about them (understandable) or if they did give me an orgasm, I was not allowed to enjoy it because then it was their turn and apparently men think women are as selfish as they are in bed.

So, I am not going to spend the entire post lamenting to you readers about the lack of intimacy in my life, but it is trains of thought such as this one which leads me to think back on the various men I have shared pieces of my emotional being with versus just exchanging bodily fluids. Which leads me to Officer Goodbody…the man is my what if, believe it or not. No one knows about Officer Goodbody except Baby Mama…he was a part of the person I was before..the girl with no job, no Panel and an addiction from Hell. I first met OGB when I was young(er), skinny (I was on a steady diet of oodles & noodles, hotdogs, Doublemint gum and crack rocks) and was just starting to lose control of my addiction. And the funny part is..I did not even like him when I met him.

I know when I talk about the men I met in addiction, I tend to make them all negative users but there are exceptions: the man who nursed me back to health for a week (I repaid him by stealing his money and car, then locking him in his own house) and the guy who saw me stumbling/sleepwalking down the avenue after I had been up 12 days straight with no food. He took me to a motel, let me sleep for 3 days, fed me and gave me money without asking for anything in return other than to be careful. Officer Goodbody does not fall into this category: when I first met him, I punched him in his face in an attempt to avoid being arrested for just purchasing a $20 crack rock…the man called me a Big Bird Bitch and took great delight in informing I was going to jail on not one, but two charges. Actually, it should have been three charges (possession, assaulting an officer and fleeing arrest as I took off running after punching him…no way was I going to jail sober, not to mention waste my hard earned $20), but I did not correct him.

Fast forward 90 days (I did go to jail) and I saw him one night while I was out on the stroll trying to get my fix on. He stopped me, but did not harass me. Asked me how I had been, was I staying on the straight and narrow (seriously, it is 4am and I am showing cleavage and ass crack…you really want to ask that?) and told me to behave myself….and that started a pattern. Whenever Officer Goodbody saw me, he would stop me and do the chit chat thing. I learned his real name, his age, that he was in college to further his career , a homeowner (which was a lie…he was renting a room) and that he was single. He learned my name, my age and I told him that I was trying to earn a living until I could get my housing and job situation together. So already, we are both lying trying to make ourselves better than what we were…but he found me cute and sexy and I found him HOT. He was short, but very well muscled (he was big into fitness) with green eyes and caramel colored skin, clean shaven and wavy black hair. And then came the night we began our relationship.

I was hanging out with Baby Daddy (Baby Mama’s husband at the time) on the Avenue, scheming hard to get another fix and enjoying the sights and sounds of the Avenue on a Friday night when Officer Goodbody pulled up in his police car, told me to get in and off we sped to the park. He wanted me, I wanted him and even though I knew I could not openly solicit him for dollars, he knew my situation and offered up $40. It was…different. I had never had rough, raw sex…the kind that is almost animalistic in nature (and would not have it again until AFO)…the kind where grunting and groaning were the norm. He did not suck and lick…he nibbled and chewed. I tossed my legs straight out and cut on the spotlight that sat on the outside of the car and told him to leave it on as the risk got me hotter. He told me how good it was, how pretty I was and that he could be falling in love with me AND my sex…and just like that, I had a boyfriend.

Needless to say, this relationship was challenging to say the least. We were starting out with lies on both sides, we were on opposite sides of the law, he would definitely be a cramp in my lifestyle and I brought absolutely nothing to the table other than a habit and a cover story. Even though we spent oodles of time together, talked on the phone everyday and I managed to get my addiction under control somewhat to spend evenings and nights with him (he was on foot patrol and he and his partner would crash at Baby Mama’s house with me)…we were doomed to fail. When I asked him why he wanted a relationship with me, he told me that besides the obvious, my intelligence was a huge turn-on and I did not know that would be a huge part of the foundation of the relationship we embarked on as he used me to do his college level homework. I was the one doing the studying and research, I was the one writing papers and thesis for classes. Yes, he was using me but I did not mind as I was the one absorbing the knowledge and expanding my horizons….and also because I was using him in return.

He was the one who protected me when I beat the living shit out of a chick and left her unconscious in the middle of the street; he was the one let me know when the busts and stings were going down so I could warn my friends; he was the one who unknowingly supplied my habit when he gave me crack found during busts and arrests so I could sell that instead of selling myself. He was the one who took care of things when I got my jaw broken in two places for smoking up an ounce of crack and no money to give the dealer for doing so. Having OGB as a boyfriend did not cramp my lifestyle as much as I thought it would and in exchange for giving the dealers the info OGB gave me….they still sold to me. Win-win.

Our relationship was passionate: it was intensely sexual and our fights were legend on the Avenue. Baby Mama was there for the one fight that to this day stands out as a hall of famer: it started out as a romantic evening….I bought him flowers, he cooked dinner and I had squeezed a fresh lemon “down there” to both tighten and freshen me up. He told me how citrusy I tasted and I told him I was that good…and then we both laughed when he sucked out a lemon seed. Afterwards, as we lay in bed together, he made the statement that he never knew how a woman such as me could be so smart and ambitious on one hand and so dumb and lazy on the other. And it was on! I cursed, I yelled, I screamed….I threw grease on him and went after OGB with a frying pan…and slipped and fell in the grease I just threw everywhere.

We did not last much longer after that fight…he got transferred, I spiraled further down into addiction and of course, we lost touch. I ran across him when I was early in recovery and had just gotten my apartment. He came over for dinner and told me I was still an OCD housekeeper and raved over my cooking wondering how it could have gotten better. We caught up on each other’s lives (he was still single, I was seeing Married Man) and after that…he became a memory. I wonder sometimes what would have happened had I not been an addict when we met or if I were not all tangled up with Married Man when we ran across each other all those years later. I wonder if he ever married, if he still thinks of me and what could have been. See, there I go idealizing again…knowing us, after multiple trips to the ER (both of us) and nights in jail (me), we would be bitterly divorced and calling each other four and five letter words every time we heard the other one’s name.

Hopefully you enjoyed the tale of Officer Goodbody (and it wasn’t too long of a read)…working now a post where I am going to find one positive thing I have gotten from certain men. Artsy Craftsy is laughing over that one and Morning Person is breaking out her therapist cap as I type. As always…thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

The Rotten Lunchmeat Story

My illness has a name..no, I have not been to a doctor (yet), but since both New Mommy, Sister Someone AND their children have all had the same disease (and we all have had it within a week of each other), I am going with what they were told. Apparently, Noro Virus (normally found onboard cruise ships and I never caught when I could afford to take cruises) is what I am suffering from. When I am not dealing with the nausea, pounding headaches, chills/sweats (I go from goose bumps to drenching sweat in 5 minutes or less) and explosive (I cannot stress that word enough) diarrhea, I am resting, half-heartedly watching a Desperate Housewives marathon and feeling badly about missing a day of work. Someone please tell me the last time that one happened?

So while I sit here listening to my stomach make ominous rumbling noises (while I cannot keep water down, I am so HUNGRY and anything I eat has about a 15 minute life span inside of me), I remember the last time I felt this badly, and to think it was self-imposed both scares me and makes me shake my head. So we all know that I have issues…right now, they are for the most part under partial control, but for the longest time they ran rampant and because they manifested in ways that were not obvious to me, I felt that I have always had a grip on them. We also know I tend to idealize the men I either want in my life or let into my life and NO ONE has been more idealized than Him. Now, more than four years later, I see what a cowardly asshole the man has always been and why Panel members thought I was suicidal.

The incident took place in 2009..exactly when, I have no idea. All I know is I was still unemployed and it was before him’s birthday so it was say in the late winter (February or March). I remember feeling completely useless, worthless and unwanted…interviews were not panning out at all, Reliable One was bitching again about paying the rent and all I wanted was to be held, validated and to feel something other than the negativity that had permeated my very being. I wanted to be with my lover but he was always too busy, too tired and all around unavailable. I was at loose ends and as much as people give sympathy and empathy…no one really knew how I felt or what I was going through. Trust me, I was not a complete fool (you may want to question that statement by the end of this post) and I reached out to my Panel, my mom and even talked to God…but I was still alone with nothing but time and no plans.

And then came the morning I pretty much decided to throw it all away and basically kill myself. Of course, I did not see it that way. The day started with two rejection emails from job applications and one interview cancellation as they had already filled the position…and one last email. From him. Breaking it off (again), saying it isn’t me, it’s him and I was a lovely girl, blahblahblah. And I lost it….I sat in my chair and cried forever. I cried and snotted until my head hurt and I was exhausted and I simply did not want to feel anything, anymore. So I got a shower, grabbed car keys and some money and went to cop drugs. One thing about trouble..no matter how long since you last met…it is so easy to find, and in its convenience lies its seduction. Love, happiness, money…one can work and search their entire lives and never find them…but trouble is always there. That is why so many of us get into it.

I went about my task with calm and cool…at that time it did not hit me exactly what I was trying to put into motion. I just wanted the pain and the hurt to stop and to be understood (when I say understood, I meant financially helped and sexually validated), not pitied. I went to the old neighborhood, made the necessary purchases (in addition to the crack, I needed paraphernalia to smoke it with) and came back home…and once everything was laid out…it hit me what I was about to do, and it struck me that perhaps this was not one of my better ideas. But, I had already spent the money on the stuff, I was still hurting and was determined that I was going to change THAT emotion. Common sense versus control issues…no contest. Control issues won.

However, I was not going to throw caution to the wind just like that…I made a bargain with myself. I would eat a sandwich first and if the food did not elevate my mood, that s when I would put my illegal purchases to use. Except the lunch meat I had was some fresh cut, deli meat I had purchased almost a month ago…it was slimy (which I rinsed off thinking it was some sort of grease) and it had a funny smell but I chalked it up to the broccoli in the fridge…and I proceeded to make my sandwich. It had mayo, tomatoes, banana peppers, cheese and the rotten turkey breast and smoked ham meat. I even got chips and soda to put with it…and I began to eat not knowing I had chosen to figuratively slice my wrists and bleed out slowly versus just putting the loaded gun to my head.

I soon found out that something was not right with that sandwich…after about 3 bites, I started sweating and feeling nauseous; after two more bites, it was as if the strength was just immediately drained from my body and after two MORE bites…the trots began. But still I ate because I had a deal with myself and I had to keep my end of the bargain.(Hey, it made sense at the time) I finally had to give up when my body said enough and began regurgitating the food and for 3 days, I was in a living hell. I could not move unless it was to go to the bathroom, the chills had me shivering and in the middle of an illness I gave myself, I realized that no way could I give up my home, my toilet, my telephone, my neighbors who brought me soup and ginger ale and crackers. In fact, I had totally forgotten about the damn drugs until I went into the kitchen to get a glass and saw where I had hid everything…and on the spot, I threw it all in the trash. I no longer had a need for it…between my control issues and that rotten lunchmeat sandwich, my mood had definitely been altered, along with other things.

I do not think about this story often, and if it weren’t for the virus, would not be thinking of it now. My Panel will not speak of it and we all know where the story is now…I will celebrate 11 years of uninterrupted recovery this year, him and I went on for another year with the verbal and emotional abuse before one if us had the sense to walk away and one lesson I learned from this is that nothing…absolutely nothing…is worth throwing away your blessings over. Not a job (or lack of one), not a man (or lack of one) and for sure…not an emotion. Step back, take deep breaths but never consider throwing in the towel.

Well, I am off now…the bathroom is calling me, then I am going to call out for a second day in a row and get some rest. Believe it or not, I am in the middle of writing about Officer Goodbody so look for that post soon. As always…thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

Week In Review

I’m sick…not in a snotty, congested and coughing sort of way (although I have been feeling a cold coming on for about a week) but in a nasty, disgusting stomach virus sort of way. No need to say a lot more other than I have chills/sweats and other stomach virus related symptoms and a day off from work is in my extremely near future. Today’s post is an update post of sorts..more like a Chatty Cathy to bring everyone up to speed on what I manage to do when left to my own devices. I have said it before and I will say it again: I am in need of adult supervision.

The week started off with my Easter Sunday Dinner Party which was a smashing success. I managed to fit 9 people in my studio apartment and it did not even feel crowded (at least to me it didn’t) and the food and company were both fantastic. I dubbed it the Single Ladies Chat & Chew and the menu included: glazed ham; beef roast (which I finally prepared properly); potato salad; macaroni & cheese; sweet potato pone (fancy way of saying mashed sweet potatoes); greens; fresh strawberries; vanilla ice cream and lemon cake. My guests were Morning Person, Sis-Sis, Busy Bee, Mini-Me, Divalicious, HoneyBee and her son and my Downstairs Neighbor, who brought me the loveliest hydrangeas. Guardian Princess was invited but was busy with church activities. Everyone had a wonderful time and Busy Bee suggested we do this every 2 months or so and make it potluck. I am in total agreement.

The job is going great and I am still in lovelovelove and apparently, they are also. I was told this week that my position was not being cut, they have heard nothing but positive things about me and they were so excited they get to keep me with them longer than expected. No talk yet of being made permanent but I don’t care…I am now receiving benefits through the consulting agency and my contract does not expire until August, which is when we will revisit this issue. For right now, just knowing that I have a job I enjoy for a little bit longer than originally promised is good enough for me.

This next tidbit no one knows about other than Chef and Oscar, who both gave green lights to it. Him’s mother is in the hospital (she may be out by now) and I sent him an email. Nothing major, dramatic or overly long (and I made sure to get the news from more than Artsy Craftsy so I can keep her in the clear should the man ever be able to put 2 and 2 together)…just that I heard about his mom, wished her a speedy and full recovery and that despite all that happened between us, I was sending the missive in a spirit of caring, concern and former friendship. Not sure why I wanted to send that, but come on…it’s his mom and when it comes to your parents’ mortality…I am a firm believer that the more prayers and well wishes…the better. Oh, and in case you were wondering…no response which is fine by me but Chef is thinking maybe him should have sent it to BTH/BTGD just so we could have some acknowledgement.

And how could I end my week in review without talking about WB? UTA calls him a douche, Artsy Craftsy and Morning Person are getting nervous because we still cannot figure out his end game, Oscar swears WB is the next big thing and everyone else says to just go with it. If nothing else, it is interesting. Let’s see: this week we had our first tiff (which Artsy-Craftsy says sounds like an old married couple), I fed him lunch (how could I not? If my tuna and pasta salad has him asking for exclusivity, who knows what an entire meal could yield?), he was honest with me by letting me know that the girlfriend was back in the picture and that prompted me to be honest with him. We were in the break room at my office (the man actually disabled software from his laptop…he says to have a reason to come to HQ; I say he fucked up trying to resolve an issue with the laptop himself so he would not have to show up) and I was soooo disappointed when he told me about the girlfriend (but I am with UTA on this one….she was never gone from the picture), but I thanked him for being truthful. Then I told him I was not looking to be the other woman or a secret. We could be co-workers, pinging partners and maybe even friends but nothing more.

Well, that is NOT what WB was trying to hear…he swore he liked me and wanted to explore with me and I was changing and turning on him and I could not do that. I came back with as much as he liked me and wanted to explore with me, he obviously liked the girlfriend more to bring her back into the picture. We left it at that and he went back to his office..and once he left, the lights came back on in the office. Did I mention when he came into HQ, the lights went out? In any case, he kept pinging and emailing me, asking me to stop playing hard to get, talk to him, he missed having me to talk to. I stayed strong for the rest of that day but the next day, I missed him too and asked him to talk to me…and he came back with: about what? And I have never had a guy who was so responsive. I am used to being ignored or hearing excuses…and when I asked him would he be the Ricky to my Lucy, he said he would be whatever I needed him to be. I should have said single but I didn’t. And on Friday…he showed up at my desk. No reason other than to see me, wish me a great weekend in person and tell me his weekend plans (which according to him are being executed solo). I am starting to like him more than I should, hoping against hope that he does not give me a reason to start hating his incredibly cute face and am enjoying building a friendship from scratch…I forgot how much fun it is to get to know a person. I have no idea what WB is getting out of this, but I do know he says he does not wish to underestimate my powers. The man and I are a Maroon 5 song waiting to be written.

So this was my week…boring and probably written in a cut and dried sort of way but remember…I’m sick. I will be back as soon as I can with new posts and as always….thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!