Dear Work Boyfriend:
YOU are a bad idea. Not you the person, not you the concept of work boyfriend and not even the concept of you as a boyfriend…but for me, you are a bad idea. See, there are things about me you don’t know (and to be truthful, you don’t need to know) but I am coming from a dark and twisty place filled with broken hopes and harsh realities. I am coming from a place where baggage, issues and drama are the norm and sometimes….if those things are NOT present, I create them just so I feel comfortable. And this…this was so not supposed to be whatever the hell it is now.
You are moving too quickly in too many directions….it was a window flirtation, we were playing around and keeping it light. But even at the window, you were saying things I enjoyed hearing. You came with the correct responses and the come hither looks…basically you called my bluff and I liked that. Then you gave up phone numbers and offered dates and the pinging…oh, the pinging. Not quite sure how all of this interaction with limited outside, real life interaction can fluster me, but it does. For a lot of reasons…the first one being you asked me were we exclusive….AFTER hearing from my own lips (fingers) I am a MESS. Dude, we are talking and pinging…where in the world did THAT come from? Exclusive pinging partners? Exclusive flirting buddies? Exclusive work boy/girlfriend? Sexually exclusive? I mean, if you were interested in talking to, flirting with someone else…why ask me? For real, I am NOT your girlfriend and we are in separate offices. The only ones in the office who know of our flirting are the folks in my department because they see it, not because I told them. And then, given the fact that you are vague and all your output can be taken in a variety of ways…who knows what you even meant with the question? Do you want US to be exclusive and we start from there?
I don’t want to question, believe me I don’t but you are vague and random and so que cera cera…and this is why you are a bad idea: because you tempt my mind, pique my curiosity and make me want to shake my spontaneity awake. With you, I can see the exploring the city at night, falling asleep at sunrise and spending a lazy, rainy Saturday in bed with Billie Holiday playing in the background. With you , I can see one night of passion, exploring and pushing boundaries. I can see the FUN in it with you… I have not seen the fun in something like this in a long time. But I have no idea if you are still in window flirtation mode or if you are serious and I have ZERO clue where you are going with this…online, offline, casual hang out, serious LTR. You don’t say, you play coy and I am driving myself crazy because when I do respond to the suggestions, the words you put out there…I second guess which question I am answering because it has three different meanings (or at least three different ways of being looked at…and I warned you I see things differently). I end up feeling as if I have said too much and/or I have answered the wrong question in the wrong way and I feel embarrassed, exposed and vulnerable. And instead of reassurances or gentle corrections from you….I get you asking if we are exclusive. Sweet Jesus.
I have NO idea where you are coming from or where I am supposed to stand with you and I NEEDNEEDNEED to know where you are coming from before I jump in the car with you. I need to know how many passengers are in the car. I want to say I need to know how long the trip is for, but I don’t need to know that. Trust me, I am ready to go under, ready to see where this can go, but you have to talk to me and not in riddles. Please. I am doing my best with breaking away from expectations and trying to figure it all out (there is no fun in knowing how it all ends) but some things are must-haves: honesty and at least some idea of the agenda…trust me, if it IS all harmless flirting and making each other’s day more interesting I am all for that and if it is more to it…hell, I have acted on bad ideas before. Maybe it is time to see the results of what happens when it all seems wrong; Lord knows, it cannot end any worse than when I did everything the right way. But until you can actually explain to me what it is you are doing and which direction your words are coming from…this bad idea can never become a good time.