So, if you read my last blog post, you know that the Work Boyfriend and I have re-connected and he gave me his cell phone number (to actually use) and suggested we go out on a date. Granted, it will be casual, somewhat dutch and involve groupons…but it is something outside the office and not involving defective laptops or an audience comprised of my co-workers. I ended that post with how I was going to bask in the fact that I guy I liked, liked me even when I looked like day old, runover cat crap and I did bask in that…for all of one hour. Then I began questioning his sanity, his motives and have already branded the man as a butt-fuck crazy user who will hurt me once someone better, prettier, younger, etc. comes along. And now my Panel is questioning my sanity because since the man is wanting to go further, take the work out of his title and remove the boundaries/safety nets I put into place (trust me, he is Work Boyfriend for a reason)…I am ready to turn tail and run.
This unexpected turn of events has raised issues and hackles and I swear, it has me feeling and thinking like a 16 year old, NOT like a 46 year old woman with life experience and gainful employment. I have so many things I want to say about it, but it is best summed up thusly: I am comfortable with me, but uncomfortable with others who are comfortable with me (blame esteem and trust issues for that one). Chef told me that I need to loosen up and just go with it…no one is ever ready for the next person (and there will be a next person) once they have landed on somewhat solid emotional ground but at the rate I am going, I am rejecting myself before anyone else has the chance to do so. Oscar gave me the best advice ever: stop worrying about who is in whose league and remember the whole point of the game is to play ball…all the leagues play ball and it’s my turn at bat. Hit or miss, just do my best and have fun. Of course, being me, I hear them but I am not listening to them. Yet.
I am still processing the fact that the guy gave me his number and actually asked me out. I wonder could it be possible that my prayers of a man who was younger, decent, intelligent and chill could possibly look at me and realize that my flaws are beautiful also? I wonder if I can calm the hamster wheel I call a brain so it can slow down long enough to allow me to stay in the moment to find out? But most of all, I am wondering just what in the hell happened today…it had me sending emails to Panel members so they could see exactly what was said (I already know without written proof, no one would believe it) and to get feedback. UTA says that it is not all in my head, Artsy Craftsy says we are all back in junior high school passing notes folded in cool shapes, Brother Everything says it is all very interesting (whether in a good way or bad way, we don’t know yet), Morning Person and I had a therapy session and Sister Someone says she can help me take this further than anyone thought possible and she has a wedding planner on speed dial.
Today, I instant messaged the WB. I chose not to call him over the weekend for two reasons: I did not want to appear desperate and I need to find out for sure what the living arrangements are at his house. Another good reason to wait until I was in the office to talk with him was because it put the work back in Work Boyfriend…and we were having a great conversation. He told me he had an excellent weekend that started with a plate of amazing food (and he was coming back for more…I say food but Oscar swears its me), I told him about how my co-workers started picking on me as soon as I walked through the day which made him laugh out loud…and loudly. I told him I was warned to stay away from him as he is trouble and his response was “I am trouble, but you needn’t stay away”. The man floors me and I was at a loss for words for a minute and told him that I liked his thinking but I had no more to say since we were in a professional environment, and WB then comes out the gate with “we can take it slow if you want”. What the hell?
I have no idea where these “challenges” (for lack of a better word) came from….Morning Person insists the man is just flirting back, but she is as nervous as I am; Lunch Buddy says the man has admitted to being trouble….leave him be. I think the man is raising the stakes… those statements are way beyond calling my bluff. He is offering up innuendo and hints of things yet to come…vague promises of whatever I desire with him, from him. It has me wondering what he means, what he wants and why he wants it with me. Let’s face it: I am not as skinny, young or pretty as I used to be. I am a wreck…a 46 year old wreck who was once (correctly) told by a professional therapist that I am in love with the idea of things, not with actually doing said things. Truth is, I am scared…this guy brings with him new hope, new expectations and a fear that I will fall flat on my face once again. I want to stay in the moment and just let things unfold naturally, but the more I do that..the higher the hopes and expectations. Why did he have to say those things? Why say anything? Just stop.talking. I’ll do all the talking.
So this is where we are…with the ball in my court and me wondering when we switched from baseball to basketball. My next blog post is going to be a list of reasons of why a guy would/should want to date me and why he would not…Oscar and Morning Person are so waiting for that one. I will say this: I have never been this nervous, this confused or this whatever it is about a guy…not even Him. I want to enjoy it (whatever it is) for however long it lasts, but my issues are raising hell with me so badly, I am ready to cancel a date that hasn’t even been made yet. Crap.
As always, thanks for stopping past, reading and bearing with me and as always….enjoy your day!