Have you ever had one of those days? We all have them…the days where you feel fat (hell, you are fat), not quite ugly but certainly not pretty and where the entire world can go to world in a handbasket and you would be perfectly fine with that. Days where you are lethargic and nothing is important. I have been having one of those days for about a week. The Menopausal White Baby has my body getting fuller and thicker and I feel (and look) as if I am carrying a basketball in my tummy, my energy is low and I feel edgy and overwhelmed. My house is on its way to being a wreck, I still have last week’s laundry that needs to be put away before I can get started n this week’s loads because everything is still in the laundry bag and I actually called out from work because I could not muster the energy to even try to get it together.
Yeah, it is starting to get a little serious and I am taking control over what I can: we are back to the eating lighter and healthier, my medical benefits kick in at the beginning of April and we are going to see a OB/GYN ASAP and the arrangements are ending. For real. I have one more date with a repeater who is a true BBW lover (seriously, how can you say you are BBW admirer as long as their belly isn’t big?) and overly generous and when I walk out his door, I am leaving it all behind. I have a job that allows me to pay my own rent (Reliable One has lost his mind: refuses to help me and he is cancelling dates…let him go. No more chasing) and I can no longer allow my esteem, worth and value be determined by men who don’t catch my eye even with money in hand.
But Friday was an incredible day that turned my attitude around and reinforced that I am making the right decisions with taking back control of my life. You guys know I lovelovelove my job, and I was told by my supervisor that she was so happy I was there with them, she was proud of the job I was doing and no way was I going anywhere. So, it was Potluck Day and we were kinda wondering what everyone was going to bring: all we knew for sure was that we had Spanish rice with beans and meat; potato salad with beets (it looked like a big bowl of Barney) and I made tuna salad with pasta and homemade mac & cheese, but the gang pulled through with flying colors. It looked like Thanksgiving Day in the office: in addition to the above mentioned items we had red beans and potatoes; slow grilled spicy chicken breasts; grilled chicken breasts; salmon; shrimp; grilled veggies; homemade breads with assorted cheeses; chips and homemade salsa; fruit tray; bagels, brownies, cupcakes and assorted pastries. We were carbed out and I called it a Diabetic’s nightmare but it was soooo yummy.
It was Fatty Patty Friday and I was ready for it: I wore an extremely comfortable outfit that is actually a size too big…not the most flattering outfit to be sure as big women look bigger in baggy clothes but with the smorgasbord of food and the fact that I am taking on even more responsibilities work-wise, it was the perfect outfit. I was rushing to get to work on time so I forgot to put on my lipstick and my eyeliner and until I actually saw myself in the mirror, I did not realize I was the Plain Jane version of myself. Then I was slightly self-conscious about it, but no one else noticed…I was just me, and they like me. We packed plates to take home some goodies (and no one thought to bring Tupperware…we were filling plates, covering them with another plate and taping them together…we were ghetto and hood with it, for real) and if you had anything left of the food you contributed, you got your pan/pot/bowl back with the food…I had condensed what was left of my dishes into one pan to give to Honeybee and her son. My plate for dinner had some of everything except the Barney potato salad: spicy chicken, shrimp, my mac & cheese, tuna salad, grilled veggies, homemade bread and the Spanish rice.
So at 4pm, I was feeling pretty good: fat and full, secure in the knowledge that my job was safe as long as I did what I was supposed to do and enjoying shooting the breeze with co-workers and my Lunch Buddy (we had to force her to take a plate) when my supervisor came through the door telling me: someone’s here. And I KNEW…the Work Boyfriend!!! and I was ready to light into him…I have not seen the man in about 2 weeks and he was walking past my window/desk without speaking? I turned my back to laugh at a joke one of my co-workers made about a lover’s quarrel and when I turned around…he was there. Looking good. And smiling. And reaching out for my hand.
I totally forgot I was Plain Jane, overweight and that my hair was crooked as I had been scratching my scalp through the wig. Oh, and let’s not forget I am coming down with a cold so my nose was all crusted over with boogers. But WB is looking at me like I am the best thing since sliced white bread, and telling me he missed seeing me but he got transferred from HQ to a satellite office four metro stops away. He was in the office to pick up his business cards and wanted to give me one. I told him I wanted two…why, I will never know. He told me to call him or IM him…he would have “pinged” me first but wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear from him…after dumping him and all. After pinning one of his business cards (he told me I was the first person to get one and he made it sound almost special) to my Wall of Important Documents, I told him I already had his office phone…and he asked for the remaining card back…and wrote his cell number on the back. He called it “old school”. This act prompted open mouths and oohs and ahhs from my department.
He asked how I had been, how was the training coming along and what my plans were for the weekend and suggested we make plans for next weekend. I groupon, he groupons…we could combine groupons and have a nice time outside the office. It could not be this weekend because he is sick and needs to get over his cold (he did sound raspy and was sniffling); my response was: what will your girlfriend say about this? And he came back with something that shut me up…he told me he was unsure who I had been hanging around with, but if the girlfriend were still in the picture, he would not be extending invitations. And that is when my co-worker jumped in, telling WB that he missed the Potluck and my cooking and that I knew how to beat my feet in the kitchen..and WB is looking at me like, really and his eyes fell on my taped up plate of dinner. He said he was hungry and I had to pray on my next move because while I believe in feeding the hungry (especially when I’m not) and it was simply a plate of food, I did not want to offer up gifts so soon and especially when we had not seen or communicated in two weeks…so of course, I gave WB the plate.
The look of surprise and delight on his face can only be described as child-like and he told me (holding both my hands in his) that I always, always overwhelm him. My looks, my personality, my humor…and he always thought I was sweet but my kindness and generosity touched him. He kept offering to give the plate back but I told him the truth: I had eaten way more than my share and I had food in the fridge at home…if he was hungry…eat. By this time, my supervisor is back because it was 5pm and time to close up shop and WB told me to call him so we could set something up for next week, and we are waving and smiling at each other like two idiots. Of course, I am now a nervous wreck and I am going to get into that over the next two blog posts, but today I am going to bask in the fact that a cute guy I have a crush on gave me his number, told me he missed me and never seemed to notice I was a big, fat mess with a plain face and dirty nose. Today, I will not be having one of those days…today, a really cute guy likes me…at my worst.