Mixed Results

Life is good: I have a roof over my head that has heat to protect me from days and nights that are colder than polar bear ass; I have food in my fridge, freezer and cabinets; I have clean clothes, friends and family who love me and like me. I am actually receiving tax refunds this year and my debt to the IRS is paid off. As an added bonus, I am going (notice I did not say planning) to the NA World Convention this year…this is a huge thing for me and all it took was 10 years of recovery/sobriety and for them to hold the convention in Philadelphia for it to happen. And to top it all off, I have a real job for however it long it lasts, but I am finding this job to be a bag of mixed results…not with the job itself but with how it is impacting my life. Do not think I am whining or crying or looking to hold a pity party. I’m not…in some ways I am more than satisfied which is something I thought would never happen in any aspect of my life. I want (maybe even need) to put everything down in writing so I can either get some objective advice or see it for myself and figure it out….in either scenario, the situation(s) will be viewed with a fresh set of eyes.

Let me start with the positive first: I lovelovelove my job: it is busy, challenging and I am finally getting the hang of things, at least on the admin/customer service side. I know which paperwork goes with what issue, I am learning to troubleshoot so I can determine what is a quick fix and who will need a loaner because no way will that laptop be fixed in an hour or less and I get to flirt with some really cute, hot and tall guys, which I may need to slow my roll on. Already, I am in full blown lust with one of the guys at work…as in I would bring him home, put him in my bed and send him home walking as if he has been riding a horse backwards for 5 days straight….all for free. We all know me and freebies never work out.

I love the company for a lot of reasons, but the main reason is because there is no divide between permanent people and contractors…we are all in it together and we share equally in success, failure and early dismissals with pay. My co-workers are hilarious and my efforts are acknowledged and appreciated. I really feel at home with this assignment and Artsy Craftsy said she has not heard me laugh and sound so happy excited about work since I was on the Island. This assignment was a godsend that has restored my confidence, my sexiness and it has me being a better employee: three full weeks, 100% attendance, 95% punctuality and I am no longer falling asleep at my desk. This is the job that all the assignments before it were preparing me for, and I am applying my lessons learned very well. But the being on time, being in the office at least 9 hours a day and being on the go over 14 hours a day, 5 days a week is taking a toll on me: I am lethargic, constantly tired and achy and feel overwhelmed.

I know why it is…I am burning the candle at both ends in lots of ways. The #1 reason is I have yet to put a stop to the arrangements and there are two reasons for that: trust issues and validation issues. See, I am the chick where nothing ever works out the way it is supposed to…no matter how bright and shiny things are in the beginning, no matter how many things I do right and how many efforts I exert…it always ends up wrong and I am left with the shit end of the stick. So I do not trust this assignment to be around very long…not even for the amount of time they promised, which is why I am still in the game.

The second part are the validation issues….I had a conversation with Mini-Me the other night and we were talking about funerals of all things, and I told her I did not mind being cremated but I had to have a memorial service so people could say wonderful things about me because I am going to need validation even in death. A powerful, maybe even fucked up statement, but pure truth. I need constant validation and while I get accolades and appreciation on the job, I need it on a personal level also. Yeah, I know it is purely sex but for a brief time, I am loved and worshipped and experience intense passion…and when they are gone to their wives and their lives, I am counting my money, which means (in my twisted mind) that I have some value to them. It is all convoluted and probably only makes sense to me, but trust me…it does make sense to me and to those who know and understand me.

I know I said I would give the dates up but of course, once I said that…they picked up incredibly and while the men are still butt-fuck crazy, they are at least serious and have no problems with making sure I am happy both physically and financially. So my solution was to scale back to evenings and weekends, so it is as if I have a part-time job after working my full-time one. Add into the mix, I am still trying to have a social life (movies, dinners, museums), stay on top of my domestic chores (cleaning, cooking, laundry) AND stay up to see my fave TV shows and late night gab fests…I am exhausted, tired and overwhelmed all the time. I still listen to and deal with other folks’ drama…it is all too much sometimes. I have not learned personal time management and my issues won’t let me go of one thing so I can at least juggle the others.

And a third thing is the Him issue…again. Since I have started working, there is not ONE DAY that goes by that I do not draft an email or pick up the phone to call the man to tell him about my good luck and happiness. But then, what I like to call phantom pain comes along and for about 2 minutes, the hurt, the betrayal and the pain he put me through hits me like a ton of bricks. I cannot breathe, the hurt and pain is as strong and searing as it was the day it happened and tears well up in my eyes…and then it is gone, leaving my heart and my head at war. My heart is saying to do it…enough time has passed, you have moved on far enough that you won’t fall again. At least try to resurrect the friendship…the two of you have a bond that can endure. My head says that to do so makes me a bigger fool than previously thought, and the man has not changed, not moved on. Him is still hung up on denials, delusions and everything will be twisted. So add emotional battles over a man I now realize I am still hung up on in some way to the list of things sucking the life right out of me. Artsy Craftsy and New Mommy tell me that I will learn to balance the time and that him is resurrected because my happiness over the new job is reminiscent of the Island, so naturally memories will come to the surface. I have no idea…all I know is I miss my naps and free time.

Well, I am going to go start writing love letters to Oscar, Artsy Craftsy and UTA and share Officer Goodbody with you readers…after a gab fest with Weekend Phone Friend, sleep, brunch with Girlfriend and doing laundry. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading (you readers are the BEST!!) and as usual….enjoy your day!

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