Mixed Results

Life is good: I have a roof over my head that has heat to protect me from days and nights that are colder than polar bear ass; I have food in my fridge, freezer and cabinets; I have clean clothes, friends and family who love me and like me. I am actually receiving tax refunds this year and my debt to the IRS is paid off. As an added bonus, I am going (notice I did not say planning) to the NA World Convention this year…this is a huge thing for me and all it took was 10 years of recovery/sobriety and for them to hold the convention in Philadelphia for it to happen. And to top it all off, I have a real job for however it long it lasts, but I am finding this job to be a bag of mixed results…not with the job itself but with how it is impacting my life. Do not think I am whining or crying or looking to hold a pity party. I’m not…in some ways I am more than satisfied which is something I thought would never happen in any aspect of my life. I want (maybe even need) to put everything down in writing so I can either get some objective advice or see it for myself and figure it out….in either scenario, the situation(s) will be viewed with a fresh set of eyes.

Let me start with the positive first: I lovelovelove my job: it is busy, challenging and I am finally getting the hang of things, at least on the admin/customer service side. I know which paperwork goes with what issue, I am learning to troubleshoot so I can determine what is a quick fix and who will need a loaner because no way will that laptop be fixed in an hour or less and I get to flirt with some really cute, hot and tall guys, which I may need to slow my roll on. Already, I am in full blown lust with one of the guys at work…as in I would bring him home, put him in my bed and send him home walking as if he has been riding a horse backwards for 5 days straight….all for free. We all know me and freebies never work out.

I love the company for a lot of reasons, but the main reason is because there is no divide between permanent people and contractors…we are all in it together and we share equally in success, failure and early dismissals with pay. My co-workers are hilarious and my efforts are acknowledged and appreciated. I really feel at home with this assignment and Artsy Craftsy said she has not heard me laugh and sound so happy excited about work since I was on the Island. This assignment was a godsend that has restored my confidence, my sexiness and it has me being a better employee: three full weeks, 100% attendance, 95% punctuality and I am no longer falling asleep at my desk. This is the job that all the assignments before it were preparing me for, and I am applying my lessons learned very well. But the being on time, being in the office at least 9 hours a day and being on the go over 14 hours a day, 5 days a week is taking a toll on me: I am lethargic, constantly tired and achy and feel overwhelmed.

I know why it is…I am burning the candle at both ends in lots of ways. The #1 reason is I have yet to put a stop to the arrangements and there are two reasons for that: trust issues and validation issues. See, I am the chick where nothing ever works out the way it is supposed to…no matter how bright and shiny things are in the beginning, no matter how many things I do right and how many efforts I exert…it always ends up wrong and I am left with the shit end of the stick. So I do not trust this assignment to be around very long…not even for the amount of time they promised, which is why I am still in the game.

The second part are the validation issues….I had a conversation with Mini-Me the other night and we were talking about funerals of all things, and I told her I did not mind being cremated but I had to have a memorial service so people could say wonderful things about me because I am going to need validation even in death. A powerful, maybe even fucked up statement, but pure truth. I need constant validation and while I get accolades and appreciation on the job, I need it on a personal level also. Yeah, I know it is purely sex but for a brief time, I am loved and worshipped and experience intense passion…and when they are gone to their wives and their lives, I am counting my money, which means (in my twisted mind) that I have some value to them. It is all convoluted and probably only makes sense to me, but trust me…it does make sense to me and to those who know and understand me.

I know I said I would give the dates up but of course, once I said that…they picked up incredibly and while the men are still butt-fuck crazy, they are at least serious and have no problems with making sure I am happy both physically and financially. So my solution was to scale back to evenings and weekends, so it is as if I have a part-time job after working my full-time one. Add into the mix, I am still trying to have a social life (movies, dinners, museums), stay on top of my domestic chores (cleaning, cooking, laundry) AND stay up to see my fave TV shows and late night gab fests…I am exhausted, tired and overwhelmed all the time. I still listen to and deal with other folks’ drama…it is all too much sometimes. I have not learned personal time management and my issues won’t let me go of one thing so I can at least juggle the others.

And a third thing is the Him issue…again. Since I have started working, there is not ONE DAY that goes by that I do not draft an email or pick up the phone to call the man to tell him about my good luck and happiness. But then, what I like to call phantom pain comes along and for about 2 minutes, the hurt, the betrayal and the pain he put me through hits me like a ton of bricks. I cannot breathe, the hurt and pain is as strong and searing as it was the day it happened and tears well up in my eyes…and then it is gone, leaving my heart and my head at war. My heart is saying to do it…enough time has passed, you have moved on far enough that you won’t fall again. At least try to resurrect the friendship…the two of you have a bond that can endure. My head says that to do so makes me a bigger fool than previously thought, and the man has not changed, not moved on. Him is still hung up on denials, delusions and everything will be twisted. So add emotional battles over a man I now realize I am still hung up on in some way to the list of things sucking the life right out of me. Artsy Craftsy and New Mommy tell me that I will learn to balance the time and that him is resurrected because my happiness over the new job is reminiscent of the Island, so naturally memories will come to the surface. I have no idea…all I know is I miss my naps and free time.

Well, I am going to go start writing love letters to Oscar, Artsy Craftsy and UTA and share Officer Goodbody with you readers…after a gab fest with Weekend Phone Friend, sleep, brunch with Girlfriend and doing laundry. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading (you readers are the BEST!!) and as usual….enjoy your day!

Giving Love a Bad Name

Raise your hand if you are as happy as I am that it is now February 15th, the day AFTER Valentine’s Day. I was not even going to blog about V-Day…I did one post about it a couple of years ago (more of a historical nature) but this morning, before headed out to work, I read this post by UTA and I knew I had to write something….so reminiscing over Officer Goodbody, a love letter to Artsy Craftsy and Brother Everything’s first solo post are on pause while I rant, rave and use language more graphic and explicit than usual.

I freely admit, I am a scrooge, a Grinch and maybe a bit jaded when it comes to Valentine’s Day: I think it is a sham, a fraud and a joke. Part of this is my nature/makeup and it is also partly environment . Hey, if you knew the men I do/did and experienced the sheer stupidity they are capable of, you would not be a big fan of love or anything that celebrates it either. But, I get it…February 14th is a day to celebrate love and lovers…except not all of us are coupled up and bunned up. A lot of us are single (remember this statement), so we are not looking for reservations for two or to purchase everything in pairs any day of the year. We are not wanting to hear how only chocolates, jewelry, special candlelit dinners, cards, balloons, flowers, etc. are the only ways to express our love. Our love to WHO? We’re single. And men have it so bad…I almost feel sorry for them. Almost

So remember how a lot of us are single? Well, not all of us are happily single and V-Day is seen as a yardstick of sorts: being single on V-Day somehow means we are unlovable, undesirable, misfits. No cards, no flowers and no gifts on that day means that we are rejects and of course, the entire world knows this because everyone else has someone and we don’t. (I saw more hand-holding and public displays of affection yesterday than a little bit.) Let me tell you something…don’t fall into that trap. February 14th lasts a full 24 hours…same as any other day; it has no magical powers and people who are unhappy with someone in their life are still unhappy on V-Day; those who are happy in their relationships are still happy. It does not make anyone less than or more than. Get happy with yourself and your situation; remember that you are single: not alone, not lonely. Single. If all else fails, read through Craigslist’s Casual Encounters (m4w) and read some of those ads. Then you will know what lonely truly is and discover you are nowhere near that.

I noticed yesterday that a lot of women use Valentine’s Day as some sort of indicator in their relationships, especially if they are committed but not married. In my flirtations with the men who came to my desk at work yesterday, my standard question was “so what are your plans for the evening?”…..it not only made general conversation, it also let me know if they were attached or not (important info for a single woman to have) and it was a mixed bag of answers but the one that stood out for me was from a guy who just moved to the DMV from Philadelphia. He has been seeing his girlfriend since October….said he moved both of them here and she stays home and does odd jobs while searching for employment and she has been hounding him since Inauguration Day about Valentine’s Day because he has to do something “really special” to prove his love for her. Seriously? The man moves you with him, has you living with him, supporting you…and he has not proven that you are pretty important and special to him? Okay. Other answers ranged from hanging with the fellas watching sports (from single guys…totally loved Johnny Quest and Hadji extending me an invite to join them for greasy wings, burgers and cold brews) to dinner (reservations were made 2 weeks ago) to absolutely nothing as the girlfriend forgot it was V-Day.

On my way to meeting Reliable One for dinner (so not romantic or in observance of V-Day….we met at a dive of a pizza place for my bi-monthly rent assistance) in my pretty red coat and boots (again, not in observance of the day…I had planned my outfit two days before and the red boots went well with what I wore… the red coat is too simple: I thought matching coats and boots would be corporate), I saw men scrambling in Whole Foods picking over the last of the leftover flowers, stopping to buy flowers from street vendors, at CVS and 7-11 standing in line with boxes of chocolates…all probably after being harassed and reminded in not so gentle ways by female co-workers to do something for their wives for Valentine’s Day. It was amusing…I do not need and would not want the leftovers no one else wanted…sometimes, it is the gift and not the thought that matters. And some of the things I heard/was privy to was enough to make me happy to be single if I were not already:
• The chick who slept with at least two guys a day for two weeks in an effort to get some sort of V-Day acknowledgement
• The girl who walked around with her boss’ flowers pretending they were hers, claiming she had no idea who they were from (for awhile, I thought it was the same chick who was sleeping around)
• The guy who is a self-proclaimed “walking condom”, who made his girlfriend a “love” breakfast (pancakes and fried eggs in the shape of hearts) only to post pictures of it on Facebook to show what a stand-up guy he was; want to show me you’re a stand-up guy? Stop fucking other women.
• Sister Someone spent $200 to make a lobster and shrimp dinner (she ruined it and they had takeout) and is taking the two of them on a weekend getaway; in return, Brother Everything (this is what is prompting his solo post) spent $75 on roses, yet you would think he had spent $7500 and plans to (and I quote..verbatim)”fuck Sister Someone in her ass to make the event more memorable.”

Yeah, Valentine’s Day is a sham(e) and a fraud and a joke. Give me someone who not only loves me but is in love with me; someone where I am the only one, and we make each other laugh, happy and better. No games, no manipulations, no bullshit or bullshitting. 365 days of the year, not just one. Okay, so I have written way more than I intended to and have probably offended someone, somewhere. AND Kayla has made her debut into the world!!! SO happy for Oscar and her family…

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Idle Chatter

Not much to say in this post but since I have a few minutes, decided to talk about other things going on that I have neglected to talk about since I started working. First, I must say I am still in love with the job. Madly and deeply….and did I mention an unexpected perk is that cigarettes are cheaper by at least $2.50-$3.00 here in Virginia?  I have been doing the right things, taking notes and retaining information, but for the first time since starting, I was late today. It was bound to happen (come on…it’s me and I am riding Metro) and the fact that I was early/on time for 1 ½ weeks is a record over here. Trust me on that. No one went crazy or made threats or took away my keyboard….I did the right thing by letting my supervisor know, giving an ETA and actually arriving before the ETA. I felt badly for a little while even though it was only 10 minutes but I have to stop having such high expectations of myself. No one will always be on time every day and delays on metro happen. It just should not happen that often.

So like I said earlier, below are a few things I want to tell you guys about…it may be boring but I will try to make it as entertaining as possible. And just that quick, I forgot one of the topics I was going to touch on. Hopefully, it will come back to me as I type. Fingers crossed….

Arrangements: I think I am giving them up .Completely. I thought I would be able to have them evenings and weekends, but I have no time or energy for them anymore.   Honestly, I am burned out from all the ignorance and disrespect. I have men emailing the ad calling me a fat nigger whore, I have men who are still trying to jewgipsy me on pricing and my favorite is the guy who after reading I am only available evenings and weekends ONLY asked was I available for a meeting RIGHT NOW at 1pm.  He may be tied with the guy who actually admitted he never read my ad, liked my pictures and could only meet mid-mornings…can I make that happen? NO. I did manage to setup an arrangement Sunday evening with a guy: older, married, who said he was always horny and promised to make me feel as no other woman had ever felt before. He wanted at least 3 hours with me and hoped I was well rested to take him over and over again. He would be staying in Arlington, and requested I visit him. Okay, first…his idea of Arlington was Arlington Boulevard; the man was actually staying in Falls Church and the cab ride(including tip) was close to $50. Dude only had half the money required/requested for 3 hours, so I agreed to half the time. But what really got me was the dude…he is a disabled Vietnam veteran, so not trying to talk about him too badly but he walks like a cross between Frankenstein’s monster and the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz…his left side moves slowly but normally but his right side is locked or paralyzed and rather than drag it along behind him, he swings it around like a baseball bat. His eyes pop/bug out of his head and he farts ALL.THE.TIME. I am NOT kidding…he has constant, chronic flatulence. The room was polluted. Oh, and his promises of prowess fell flatter than one of New Mommy’s homemade pancakes….while I am sitting on the bed in bra and panties, he is swinging his body and flaccid penis everywhere and as soon as he saw me, he released himself all over my thighs. I kid you not…3 hours had become 90 minutes had become 3 minutes. With no penetration, no touching, no kissing. I took my money, put my dress back on and called a cab, which I waited for outside in the cold…no way was I staying inside with the toxic fumes.

White Baby: White Baby is back…actually, it never went anywhere but it now has a new name: menopause. I kind of hate that word because I always associate it with old women….not older women. OLD women. And I swear I have like a thousand more gray hairs since I have come to the conclusion that I am menopausal. I have not seen a visit from Mother Nature since she showed up at Thanksgiving, although I still bloat up once a month. There is light cramping but nowhere near what I was going through when I was younger and I feel normal if that makes sense. When I was dealing with AFO and missing cycles, it felt as if something foreign was trying to invade my body…there was a constant pressure and pain that just isn’t present this time around. All I can say is if this is menopause, I am one of the lucky ones. No hot flashes, no night sweats and so far, my sex drive has not disappeared although I would say it is a bit subdued. However, I am chalking that one up to the reintroduction of structure and schedule to my life. And I pee a lot. Welcome to middle-aged.

Well, since I can no longer remember what the other topic was, I guess I am done. There are little bits and pieces like my diet/weight loss/healthy living (I have bottles and bottles of vitamins and minerals, cans of weight loss shakes and still have the yoga mat and Groupon for 12 classes) that is kinda on pause right now while I explore the breakfast and lunchtime offerings of the eateries around my jobsite; my love/hate affair with Metro is back in full swing (when they have a delay, they do it right….gotta give them credit for that one) and the fact I am meeting (and subtly flirting with) lots of guys. Tall guys, short guys, cute guys…although with some of them sporting wedding rings and me being fat and menopausal, I am sure nothing will come of it, but it sure is nice.

Okay, so that is it and all for this post. Hopefully you weren’t bored to tears and I promise to be back with more posts soon…I want to write some love letters to Panel members (just wondering who needs one the most right now) and also tell you guys about Office Goodbody. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

 

Settling In

Well, I did it….I got through my first full week of work! And I am zausted (that is how exhausted people pronounce “exhausted”), but in a good way. I have been trying to keep family and Panel members up to date but there is still so much to say and so many people to say it to. I will start with something I said earlier to UTA: I hesitate to say this because I am a really poor judge of character when I want something to work out (it is not just related to personal relationships), but so far I can see why the other assignments did not work out and for the first time in a very long time, I see that putting forth the right efforts for the right people/places/things can make everything so much easier.

First off, I have been either early or on time all week…and while it is an effort, it does not feel stressful or like a chore. I actually want to be on time for this assignment. Those who know me, know those two sentences say A LOT…it is the equivalent of letting a man actually in my bed. You gotta be pretty special for me to do that. Now, getting me up in time to be on time is a group effort and Morning Person insisted on getting some sort of manpower to put together a task force for the job, so Brother Everything is the backup phone call. It pretty much works thusly: Morning Person give me the preliminary call at 4:30am; Brother Everything follows up at 5am with the actual wakeup call and Morning person calls again at 5:30 with a confirmation call. It is a lot of work before any of us actually get to work, but until I finally become a morning person myself (at least for the work week) this is how it has to be.

I have my routine and my timetables…I have found out I can be off as much as 4 minutes and still get to the job in time and if I leave just 4 minutes earlier, I arrive at the final destination with as much as 20 minutes to spare. There are shortcuts that are probably still equivalent to the 4 blocks I walk from the metro, but it doesn’t feel like 4 blocks (my BBW/BHM folks will feel me on that one), and I have my lunch hour and 15 minute breaks down to a science. Pretty much every two hours I am away from my desk: 10am break, noon lunch hour and 3pm break. The job itself is AMAZING….it incorporates my customer service and reception skills, builds up my data entry speed and I am learning MS Office 2010 and 2013 (MS 2007 is the furthest I got in the working world). I get to be social and I get to learn all about IT (information technology) …I am not afraid of computers but I do not understand what makes them function or how to make what hurts feel better with them, but my co-workers are awesome folks. There is a true team spirit amongst them and no superstars. Everyone teaches, shares and learns…they cover each other’s backs and when a problem comes in that is different/unique, they are all huddled together, learning together. Then once they learn, they teach me!

There is no micro-management, no talking about each other and no judgments. I have been invited to join the bowling league and already they are saying how much they want to keep me…and I am telling them I want to be kept. Of course, there are no promises beyond the initial six month contract, but I already feel as if this is a permanent job and I am part of the gang. I am trying really hard to stay in the moment and remember that right now, all of us are putting our best feet forward for Week One…let’s see if the bloom is still on the rose in another month or so. But, I do like it here and I am going to do all I can to keep the romance going…and did I mention I am maybe a 15 minute drive from the Island so Artsy Craftsy, Chef and Quiet One can come up for lunch!! Not all the time but once or twice a month would be great.

Two things marred this week for me: first, Brother Everything emailed me his resume to see if I can get him onboard at the company. That is just so wrong on so many levels, I cannot even address them all but to even ask me to bring you onboard when my foot is barely in the door (seriously, it was like Day 3 he did this) is rude and he has a job that he never thought to bring me onboard to…leave me and my blessing alone. The second thing I have not mentioned to anyone except Chef…I want to tell Him about my incredible fortune. Not sure why I want to…I do know it is not to be a gloating, petty grudge holding bitch; after all, what is there to gloat about? He has held his same job for over 30 years and I am in the infancy of a contract assignment. I do know I am not seeking to start anything with him again….I truthfully am no longer in love with the man and I have moved past him in more ways and further distances than I thought possible. I guess I am not completely over him and that surprises me because I always thought once you fell out of love, the person kind of fell off the face of the earth. I should not want to be sharing good news with him…you don’t see me wanting to reach out to Married Man or AFO about it (I hope those two are in Hell roasting marshmallows). However, I am not going to reach out to him because one good thing, I do know who him is now isn’t the person I want to share my happiness with. I want someone who will be happy for me and with me and the man isn’t happy with himself so I already know I have absolutely nothing coming. However, the Chinese food delivery guy was super excited for me so we will make do with that. Besides, I am happy/proud, my family is tickled pink and my Panel and neighbors are all dancing happy jigs and giving what they can where they can to make sure that I do the right thing to maintain the happiness, confidence and purpose that comes with having something stable and rewarding.

Once I get back in the groove of limited free time and lack of naps, I will be blogging more often but will be back soon with a new blog post. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Soup’s Ready

I have been postponing writing a post because I either wanted to post good news or at least bring some sort of closure to the interviews I talked about in my previous post. It has been a rough week as I am still quite impatient and I was on pins and needles awaiting the news; I was at the point of practically physically restraining myself from making further  phone calls and sending emails. I likened the situation to my Higher Power stirring a pot of soup and I would not/could not get any of it until it was ready to be tasted…but the aroma was so enticing and I was incredibly hungry, I kept trying to go in the pot; yet, every time I went to taste the soup, my hand was swatted away from the pot because…it just wasn’t ready.

Big props and shout outs to my parents, my Sis-Sis and the Panel members who kept me sane and calm: Morning Person, Chef Cuz, Girlfriend, Artsy-Craftsy (who put aside her own battles with issues to help me with mine), Guardian Princess and believe it or not, Brother Everything. They listened to the endless bitching, worrying and speculations. These are the people who had faith when I had none and they are the ones who did not allow hope to die. And that was not an easy job at all.

It started with my 5th (or was it 6th?) phone call to Interview #1 (the permanent one with the non-profit in my neighborhood)…I was more than a little antsy that it was taking almost two weeks to hear back when I was promised a decision within 24 hours. Previous phone calls had been stonewalled, but this time she actually picked up the line!! She told me she knew why I was calling and she was rendering her decision within the next 24 hours. Yeah, I had heard that one before but I still had hope. I  believe that rejection is pretty much instantaneous…if you don’t like something or someone, you aren’t keeping them dangling and waiting. You cut the ties immediately and if you are decent person, you try to let them down gently. So the fact that she STILL had not told me I was no longer in the running helped me to believe that yes, I was the better candidate and the best fit for the position.

And then I got the email that told me while I was an exceptional candidate, they went with someone else. Did I mention I got this email less than an hour after the phone call? I was blown away by the rejection: while this was not the job I wanted, it was the job I expected to get. I felt less than, hurt/angry  (WHO could have been a better qualified candidate than me?) and fell into a funk. Seriously. For the remainder of the evening (after telling folks I was not good enough for a cut rate outfit…petty, I know), I did not answer the phone. I listened to jazz, smoked cigarettes and wallowed in the pity pot. I really thought that things would be different this year (forgetting that the year was barely a month old) and wondered if my parents would let me live off of them once the government got tired of me. I broke out of the funk long enough the next day to call my mom so she would not think I had gone into the basement to jump out of a window or something, when I got a phone call. From Interview #2. The one that I almost did not go on because I was so sure I was going to be at the non-profit. The one that challenged me from the start by interviewing me on Inauguration Day. The job I wanted.

The job I wanted, wanted ME!! The client had extended an offer!!! I was in shock and disbelief and asked the recruiter 10 times (at least) was this a joke…and it was no joke. They had a start date and a salary. All I had to do was complete the paperwork and pass a background check. Could it be true? After all this time, could I actually be re-entering the work force, if only for 6 months (the length of the current contract) learning new skills and a chance to become a permanent member of a global firm?? Well, the answer was yes but I was faced with challenges and temptations. Fun One refused to verify my employment…for what reason, I have zero idea but I have that being such a petty, bullshit move I have no words for it. Our friendship had been a little strained (he was standing me up for our dates again and I just stopped reaching out) to put it mildly, but I have to wonder what IS IT with these men who fuck me over and cannot separate the personal from the professional? I think Fun One and Him have been hanging out, sharing half truths and delusions. But I had tax returns which verified the employment, so no problem. I got another offer from another agency (which has not found me one assignment in the 3 years I have been registered with them) for almost 20K more AND a longer term contract (2 years), which gave me pause, but that offer dried up quicker than ant piss in the sun…seriously, the same evening I accepted Interview #2’s offer, I got an email with the second offer…and have heard no more about it nor have I heard from the agency.

So after a week of emotional roller coaster riding, oodles of paperwork being faxed, emailed and submitted…I got the confirmation phone call. I start work Monday at 8am. That too is a challenge (I have no idea what 8am LOOKS like) but it is a small one. It will be more than a one person job making sure I am up and out the door on time, and I have Panel members stepping up to take on the task. Thank GOD! I am determined to do the right thing by this assignment and put forth the efforts required because this is a once in a lifetime opportunity: a chance to put a  Fortune 100 company on my resume, be taught/trained by them AND get paid for the privilege. Yeah, I am staying in my lane and on the good foot with this blessing. The dates are tempting again…after a serious 3 week drought, I have them falling at my feet (including a guy who is hotter than the hotter than balls dude) and have been able to build up my reserves again. I am flirting with the idea of making them a side gig with my availability during evenings and weekends but that may not be the best idea. I do not need any distractions or anything that will cause me in any shape, fashion or form to jeopardize the job. I have waited too long for this bowl of soup from above. Besides, the Panel is pretty dead set against them now more than ever…so far, they have not steered me wrong.

So there you have it….an update that ranks in the top 5 of my happiest/proudest/super excitedest (so not a word) moments….EVER. I will be back as soon as I can with another post. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!!