Life is normal. I am not used to normal. I am not used to nipping things in the bud, not used to this feeling of calm and peace inside of me. I am finding new music (Joshua Radin and Player Piano) that relates to absolutely nothing going on with me and I find I am loving the artists and lyrics just as much as I do the music I have found throughout this process that I feel speaks to me. Seriously, the biggest dramas I have going on right now are: I have not spoken to either Quiet One or Tiger in a minute…not sure if they are busy or ignoring me; I am short on the money I need to pay the IRS this month, so it will be a late payment and lastly, I have a job interview today (for a permanent job that is a 10 minute walk from my house) and I have horrific gas. Not kidding. I am sitting here farting up a storm and it STINKS…then, when I light my cigarettes and candles in an effort to defuse the odor, it smells as if I am burning turds and peaches over here. Yeah, life is normal.
Today’s post is a love letter…it will not be the last love letter I write, hence the #1. It is an ambitious project but this year, via this blog, I intend to write love letters to members of my Panel and to those who are always there for me. I was going to consolidate it all into one post, but there is so much I want to say to everyone. And I am going to start with me. Please enjoy the letter and as always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!
Not sure where to begin this letter…just know that it is not supposed to make you feel badly or less than. It is after all a love letter but it will also be a pep talk.
It has been an incredible 46 ½ years with you. I know you feel you have accomplished nothing and are stuck in a life filled with penny ante drama and doomed to die alone with not even a pet as a companion but I know you. You have dreams and goals and you can accomplish them. The only person holding you back is YOU. You have drafts of three novels sitting on your computer that you hardly look at because you think no one will read them. You want to travel and dream of owning a home and a car. I know it takes money and right now, that is a resource not in big supply, but don’t give up. Don’t turn dreams deferred into dreams denied because you doubt yourself. That is what humans do…they doubt their greatness and exaggerate their faults.
You have come so far: do you remember being an addict who did not see herself living beyond the age of 25? Do you even realize what you have overcome? You endured years of being raped and beaten to emerge not a victim, but victorious. You overcame an addiction that has destroyed and/or killed so many of your friends and acquaintances….and you have overcome it every day for the past 10 ½ years. You may not have a regular job now but you know you are smart as a whip, intelligent, well-spoken, well-read and productive as hell. Do you know why you don’t have the job yet? Because you need a job that will cater to your sense of entitlements, challenge you and make you feel as if you are making a difference in someone’s life somewhere. Pushing papers is not going to do it for you…you need to push papers with a purpose. Just keep doing what you are doing (putting the resumes out there (not on Craigslist anymore, though) and showing up for the interviews)…it may seem fruitless now, but it will show up. Remember what Artsy Craftsy told you: eventually the storm runs out of rain.
Personally…again, do you have any idea how far you have come? You are finally learning to love yourself but I think you are focusing too much on the flaws and faults and not enough on what it is that makes you great and wonderful. You are no longer settling for what you are not comfortable with and finally, you are realizing that you have wasted too much time and too many years on men who were substandard to begin with. I know you saw things in them and felt things for them, but have you ever stopped to think that what you saw in them was you when you were lost and having no esteem and confidence? Maybe what you felt was like and love with strong undercurrents of lust and sympathy….and all you wanted to do for them was what you wished someone would have done for you when you were out there: love you until you learned to love yourself. But today…after many tears and much pain, you know that the person for you will not be in need of repair. They will recognize who and what you are and love you deeply, unconditionally and with stability and consistency.
You have learned to communicate in a more timely manner as there is nothing to avoid and no feelings to tiptoe around because you now know that you and your feelings are the priority. You are heeding the red flags and warning signals so you are not subjected to misery and speculation over men who make it obvious by their actions exactly where you stand in their lives. The word fringes comes to mind. You are working on yourself so you can recognize your self-worth, so the trust issues and the validation issues are not as blatant. You are recognizing the roles you play and finally, you are understanding that you cannot expect more than you are willing to offer and right now…you are not willing to offer a lot, and that’s okay. You have to sync the head and the heart, you have to learn to trust yourself more and others…not so much.
You are an amazing woman who has overcome so much, who is strong, and beautiful and talented. You have a unique voice and have turned your tears into laughter and your pain into a testament of resilience. You have moved on from so many things and turned obstacles into challenges. By no means are you perfect but the flaws and faults comprise who you are and here’s food for thought: the physical flaws you feel make you unattractive make you stand out in a glorious way and there are people out there who want what you have…and someone, somewhere wants you just the way you are.
Just remember, you are amazing, beautiful and I love you. In fact, I may be falling in love with you. Continue to soar, overcome and succeed…one day at a time.