Digging Deep

Cutting back the stupid in my life and the people who bring the stupid (and little else) has certainly made life quiet. Not that I am complaining (peace in the valley is a beautiful thing), but it makes me feel as if I am neglecting my blog, although I am sure it is a relief to you readers to not hear me vent, rant and rave over the same things and same type of person. And even though life has been boring (normal, healthy people call this normal), I have been busy. I served on jury duty for two days, started reading a great book (Say Goodbye by Lisa Gardner), cooking more, stepping up the job search, dabbling in creative writing and watching NFL playoffs. And I have been processing and working more on me…I made good on my promise to try and work out the root of my trust issues.

What I am remembering and discovering (in a calm and objective way) has my head jumbled and filled with thoughts and memories that I am going to attempt to both condense and make coherent in this post. Neither will be an easy task as I do tend to paint as clear a picture as possible which means there is no long story short over here,  but at least it won’t be a rambling mess reminiscent of the early days of this blog when I had to get it all out, right now. Still debating which piece of the puzzle to pick up first to begin, and while all options are tempting, I think I will start with men. Please remember, it is my opinion of them based upon my experiences with them.

Sometimes, I think I hate men…not all men, but the majority of them. Well, maybe not hate them as I do find myself drawn to some of them, and frankly I need them for financial reasons. Let’s face it…men will pay for what I offer, women will not. I certainly do not trust them and I find that men do not view women as a whole. Men, who are extremely visual/physical and sexual, see women as pieces and parts: big boobs, full lips, fat ass, wide hips, pretty face, long hair. They see pieces and parts and hope you are a “bad girl” because even though they are taught to marry the good girl, they want the “bad girl”…as long as she is bad with them and them only.

Then we have me, who learned early on in addiction to display and flaunt and utilize the pieces and parts to get what I needed: validation on too many levels to list. I think it was in addiction I learned not to trust men…I learned they say things to get you in vulnerable positions and take what they want from you. I was raped too many times after being told that the price was good and even raped by police officers who are sworn to protect the citizens, except being an addict and a whore…I was not considered a citizen. I was a blood sucking, non-tax paying leech upon society who merely got what she was asking for. (Side note: remembering this brings up one of the relationships I had in addiction which I will blog about soon) I was beaten more often than not since I simply never laid down and took what these men wanted to foist upon me: I yelled, screamed, kicked, cursed and fought…even begged to be taken to jail and towards the end, prayed for death… but in the end, they had their way made even more forceful because I stood up for myself. Of course, not every man was like that but there more of the bad guys than good guys and I found myself not trusting any of them because who knew when they would turn? And then along came Married Man…

I have blogged before that Married Man should never have happened and today, I wonder how we ever did come to be. It started as an arrangement (a very cheap arrangement as I was feeding a habit when we first started) and despite being told by everyone and their mama when I entered recovery to NOT have a relationship of any type,  I held onto him. I don’t know why I trusted the man (he was married with 7 kids by 4 different women, none of them his wife) but I was so hell bent on being a “normal” person, I thought a relationship was part of that dream/deal. I want to say I overlooked a lot of things, but I think I was so traumatized by what I had been put through and had seen in the streets, I have come to the conclusion I really thought the relationship was healthy and everyone went through these things: disrespect, mistreatment and mixed signals, which are lies in themselves and cause mistrust and instability better than an outright lie. The man left me standing in the middle of the street, broke and embarrassed in front of my friends after promising to deliver funds to help me visit my mother soon after she suffered her stroke…he pulled off before I could even reach his truck because he said I was “mouthy” and had no appreciation for what he was going to do for me. He came to me the day his grandmother died, seeking sex to soothe his hurt and help ease his grieving, yet when he made the trip to Kansas City (or somewhere like that) and I sent him an email telling him I was naked (in an effort to cheer him up), he tells me I am inappropriate and have no respect for the dead. He expected fidelity, chastity and accountability from me but when I expected the same, I got  women snuck into my apartment while I was at work and all I heard was I wasn’t his wife. When I left, I got the I’m leaving my wife speech (it was supposed to be as soon as his daughter graduated high school…I guess that girl is still working on that diploma) which I did NOT ask for nor did I want; I got surprise visits at the Island (which at one point you would have thought was a million miles from DC) and the dinner and movie dates I had pushed to get for years. But I no longer trusted him and damn sure didn’t want him anymore.
Not even going to get into the trust issues surrounding Him and AFO…basically, more of the same of what Married Man put me through, only with even more mixed signals. So this is why I do not trust men and in review…I no longer trust myself. See, when it comes to emotional matters I am quite the contradictory mess. I don’t trust men but I am willing to try again with the person I feel is worth it (in an effort to not hold the sins of others against the one in the present) and once I have made a commitment to a person (please note they do not have to make a commitment to me), I am hanging in there giving every effort plus some. And let’s face it…I do not know who is worth it. I am like a little child who has to be told constantly to not talk to strangers. I just don’t know when to give my heart away and when to keep it closed. I guess trust and love are in the same boat: until you can learn to do both with yourself, you cannot do it with another.

Well, this is as far as I go with this topic today. Hopefully, you all got the gist of what I was talking about and it was not too convoluted, boring or long for you to read. Now I am off to clean the house, alternate between football and Monk (great show!), do more creative writing and prepare new blog posts….not necessarily in that order. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

2 thoughts on “Digging Deep

  1. I commented once, but WordPress ate it…so naturally this comment will not be as awesome as the original. *rolls eyes*
    I don’t think it’s all bad that you hate (most) men or have trust issues. It’s better than being so open and vulnerable and trusting too easily and getting yourself hurt over and over again. That’s my issue.
    The first step to fixing an issue is recognizing it, and I continue to admire your ability to recognize yours and your commitment to working them out. Love you! And love the new blog look!

    • Oh, UTA…ALL of your advice, insight, wisdom is awesome! 🙂 And I so look forward to it…with you, I never feel alone when it comes to this process.
      Oh, I am no longer trusting and vulnerable? Have you forgotten AFO?? LOL
      The only good thing about that fiasco was I had learned some lessons and recognized the patterns, which I find the process helps me to do.
      Recognize patterns that bring about the same results and that some (not all) of these patterns reside in me. The commitment is more towards me changing to become the woman who no longer puts up with the stupidity versus the woman who justifies it.

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