Slow News Day

I have not blogged in a bit, and the reason is I wanted to be able to share good news with you all. Unfortunately, the particular piece of news I wanted to share is still in limbo. Maybe I am impatient, maybe the other parties are at fault. Who knows? I guess if I look at it in just the right way at the right time of day, it can still be considered good news;  however, it brings on my rant about how doing the right thing never works for me. But before I get into my rant filled update, I have a process progress report: while biding my time, I came across emails exchanged between Him and I at the height of the fiasco and all I can say is: OMG!!!!,  accompanied by several double face palms. I am issuing an apology to my entire Panel, you readers and anyone who was subject/privy to my complete and utter insanity during that period. Reading the lies and mixed signals on him’s end and the pleadings and justifications on my end (now that I am mostly emotionally detached and objective) makes me cringe, wince and give thanks that my common sense finally made its way home.

So on to the rant filled update: I have had two job interviews in the past 10 days!! Exciting, right? I mean, I definitely thought it was. And the best thing, one was for a permanent job! The other one was for a long term (at least 7 months) temp assignment that has plenty of potential to become permanent. The interview for the permanent job was first: it is with a non-profit that would allow me to utilize my skills while keeping me busy. The job offers a livable wage, a monthly health care per diem, paid holidays, vacations and sick days. Best part is I can walk to work in under 10 minutes. No commute, no delays or crowds on metro. Worst parts are they rely on funding from the city government, not the Feds so not quite sure how stable they are fiscally and no chance to expand my social circle..aka meet new men. I think the interview went well: I aced the skills assessment, gave thoughtful, insightful answers to her questions and asked questions that showed my interest in not only the position, but the company also.

The interview for the contractor position I had mixed feelings about. First, they wanted to interview with me on Inauguration Day. I had no issues with them wanting to interview me on the day we celebrated both Dr. King’s birthday and the second term of our President. It is private sector and I have worked private sector before…just because the government shuts down does not mean they do. No, my issue was they wanted to interview me on the most transportationally challenged day of the year (no cars, cabs or buses) and deal with incredibly large crowds of people on the subway, the only form of transport readily accessible. . The other issue I had was the commute…I interviewed directly with the company I would be assigned to and they are only two stops away from the Island and a 5 block walk from the metro station. One other factor was while they offered a livable wage, I would have to factor in at least $35/week transportation costs. But the firm is globally known and respected, and offered me a chance to enhance my existing skills set while teaching me new things I could embark on a brand new career with. The office is a little quiet but I get to meet new people (in other words…meet new men), learn new skills and I would be kept busy while being challenged.

So why am I ranting? Because I have heard absolutely NOTHING from either interview….I have called, left messages and nothing. I was on time (even on Inauguration Day!) for both interviews, professionally dressed, carried copies of my resume printed on the good paper, listened, gave great answers and asked amazing questions that showed my interest. I  jumped through the hoops, did the right things and for what? To still get the same treatment I would probably receive had I been late, failed assessments and just did not care. I do not know if I am being impatient or if they are being unprofessional and irresponsible but I cannot take it any longer. Waiting for a call, an email from these people saying yay or nay, I feel a lot like I did when I was waiting for him to return or when I was waiting around for AFO to respond to me: powerless, frustrated, ugly and unwanted. I feel like it is me, not them.

And I do NOT like feeling that way anymore, not for anyone or anything. While I really want one of the jobs to come through (leaning more towards the contractor position if given a choice) because my money situation is in dire straits (with the death of stupid, my arrangements are practically non-existent), I am not going to grovel and beg for them. If I do what I am supposed to do (the right thing), they should do so also. Not saying they should hire me simply because I did what I was supposed to but if they say they will call me, then call me. If you say you want someone ASAP and I tell you all I need is 24 hours notice…where is my notice that either I am still in the running or you found someone else? In a way, it is worse than not getting called to interview at all…by calling me in, you are letting me know I am qualified and you are interested, yet apparently, you aren’t.

Well, I am done with my ranting. I am beginning a new job search on Monday and keeping fingers crossed that something comes through for me. I am ready for it, I want it and at this point…I need it. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

 

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Love Letter #1

Life is normal. I am not used to normal. I am not used to nipping things in the bud, not used to this feeling of calm and peace inside of me. I am finding new music (Joshua Radin and Player Piano)  that relates to absolutely nothing going on with me and I find I am loving the artists and lyrics just as much as I do the music I have found throughout this process that I feel speaks to me. Seriously, the biggest dramas I have going on right now are: I have not spoken to either Quiet One or Tiger in a minute…not sure if they are busy or ignoring me; I am short on the money I need to pay the IRS this month, so it will be a late payment and lastly, I have a job interview today (for a permanent job that is a 10 minute walk from my house) and I have horrific gas. Not kidding. I am sitting here farting up a storm and it STINKS…then, when I light my cigarettes and candles in an effort to defuse the odor, it smells as if I am burning turds and peaches over here. Yeah, life is normal.

Today’s post is a love letter…it will not be the last love letter I write, hence the #1. It is an ambitious project but this year, via this blog, I intend to write love letters to members of my Panel and to those who are always there for me. I was going to consolidate it all into one post, but there is so much I want to say to everyone. And I am going to start with me. Please enjoy the letter and as always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Dearest Me:

Not sure where to begin this letter…just know that it is not supposed to make you feel badly or less than. It is after all a love letter but it will also be a pep talk.

It has been an incredible 46 ½ years with you. I know you feel you have accomplished nothing and are stuck in a life filled with penny ante drama and doomed to die alone with not even a pet as a companion but I know you. You have dreams and goals and you can accomplish them. The only person holding you back is YOU. You have drafts of three novels sitting on your computer that you hardly look at because you think no one will read them. You want to travel and dream of owning a home and a car. I know it takes money and right now, that is a resource not in big supply, but don’t give up. Don’t turn dreams deferred into dreams denied because you doubt yourself. That is what humans do…they doubt their greatness and exaggerate their faults.

You have come so far: do you remember being an addict who did not see herself living beyond the age of 25? Do you even realize what you have overcome? You endured years of being raped and beaten to emerge not a victim, but victorious. You overcame an addiction that has destroyed and/or killed so many of your friends and acquaintances….and you have overcome it every day for the past 10 ½ years. You may not have a regular job now but you know you are smart as a whip, intelligent, well-spoken, well-read and productive as hell. Do you know why you don’t have the job yet? Because you need a job that will cater to your sense of entitlements, challenge you and make you feel as if you are making a difference in someone’s life somewhere. Pushing papers is not going to do it for you…you need to push papers with a purpose. Just keep doing what you are doing (putting the resumes out there (not on Craigslist anymore, though) and showing up for the interviews)…it may seem fruitless now, but it will show up. Remember what Artsy Craftsy told you: eventually the storm runs out of rain.

Personally…again, do you have any idea how far you have come? You are finally learning to love yourself but I think you are focusing too much on the flaws and faults and not enough on what it is that makes you great and wonderful. You are no longer settling for what you are not comfortable with and finally, you are realizing that you have wasted too much time and too many years on men who were substandard to begin with. I know you saw things in them and felt things for them, but have you ever stopped to think that what you saw in them was you when you were lost and having no esteem and confidence? Maybe what you felt was like and love with strong undercurrents of lust and sympathy….and all you wanted to do for them was what you wished someone would have done for you when you were out there: love you until you learned to love yourself. But today…after many tears and much pain, you know that the person for you will not be in need of repair. They will recognize who and what you are and love you deeply, unconditionally and with stability and consistency.

You have learned to communicate in a more timely manner as there is nothing to avoid and no feelings to tiptoe around because you now know that you and your feelings are the priority. You are heeding the red flags and warning signals so you are not subjected to misery and speculation over men who make it obvious by their actions exactly where you stand in their lives. The word fringes comes to mind. You are working on yourself so you can recognize your self-worth, so the trust issues and the validation issues are not as blatant. You are recognizing the roles you play and finally, you are understanding that you cannot expect more than you are willing to offer and right now…you are not willing to offer a lot, and that’s okay. You have to sync the head and the heart, you have to learn to trust yourself more and others…not so much.

You are an amazing woman who has overcome so much, who is strong, and beautiful and talented. You have a unique voice and have turned your tears into laughter and your pain into a testament of resilience. You have moved on from so many things and turned obstacles into challenges. By no means are you perfect but the flaws and faults comprise who you are and here’s food for thought: the physical flaws you feel make you unattractive make you stand out in a glorious way and there are people out there who want what you have…and someone, somewhere wants you just the way you are.

Just remember, you are amazing, beautiful and I love you. In fact, I may be falling in love with you. Continue to soar, overcome and succeed…one day at a time.

Digging Deep

Cutting back the stupid in my life and the people who bring the stupid (and little else) has certainly made life quiet. Not that I am complaining (peace in the valley is a beautiful thing), but it makes me feel as if I am neglecting my blog, although I am sure it is a relief to you readers to not hear me vent, rant and rave over the same things and same type of person. And even though life has been boring (normal, healthy people call this normal), I have been busy. I served on jury duty for two days, started reading a great book (Say Goodbye by Lisa Gardner), cooking more, stepping up the job search, dabbling in creative writing and watching NFL playoffs. And I have been processing and working more on me…I made good on my promise to try and work out the root of my trust issues.

What I am remembering and discovering (in a calm and objective way) has my head jumbled and filled with thoughts and memories that I am going to attempt to both condense and make coherent in this post. Neither will be an easy task as I do tend to paint as clear a picture as possible which means there is no long story short over here,  but at least it won’t be a rambling mess reminiscent of the early days of this blog when I had to get it all out, right now. Still debating which piece of the puzzle to pick up first to begin, and while all options are tempting, I think I will start with men. Please remember, it is my opinion of them based upon my experiences with them.

Sometimes, I think I hate men…not all men, but the majority of them. Well, maybe not hate them as I do find myself drawn to some of them, and frankly I need them for financial reasons. Let’s face it…men will pay for what I offer, women will not. I certainly do not trust them and I find that men do not view women as a whole. Men, who are extremely visual/physical and sexual, see women as pieces and parts: big boobs, full lips, fat ass, wide hips, pretty face, long hair. They see pieces and parts and hope you are a “bad girl” because even though they are taught to marry the good girl, they want the “bad girl”…as long as she is bad with them and them only.

Then we have me, who learned early on in addiction to display and flaunt and utilize the pieces and parts to get what I needed: validation on too many levels to list. I think it was in addiction I learned not to trust men…I learned they say things to get you in vulnerable positions and take what they want from you. I was raped too many times after being told that the price was good and even raped by police officers who are sworn to protect the citizens, except being an addict and a whore…I was not considered a citizen. I was a blood sucking, non-tax paying leech upon society who merely got what she was asking for. (Side note: remembering this brings up one of the relationships I had in addiction which I will blog about soon) I was beaten more often than not since I simply never laid down and took what these men wanted to foist upon me: I yelled, screamed, kicked, cursed and fought…even begged to be taken to jail and towards the end, prayed for death… but in the end, they had their way made even more forceful because I stood up for myself. Of course, not every man was like that but there more of the bad guys than good guys and I found myself not trusting any of them because who knew when they would turn? And then along came Married Man…

I have blogged before that Married Man should never have happened and today, I wonder how we ever did come to be. It started as an arrangement (a very cheap arrangement as I was feeding a habit when we first started) and despite being told by everyone and their mama when I entered recovery to NOT have a relationship of any type,  I held onto him. I don’t know why I trusted the man (he was married with 7 kids by 4 different women, none of them his wife) but I was so hell bent on being a “normal” person, I thought a relationship was part of that dream/deal. I want to say I overlooked a lot of things, but I think I was so traumatized by what I had been put through and had seen in the streets, I have come to the conclusion I really thought the relationship was healthy and everyone went through these things: disrespect, mistreatment and mixed signals, which are lies in themselves and cause mistrust and instability better than an outright lie. The man left me standing in the middle of the street, broke and embarrassed in front of my friends after promising to deliver funds to help me visit my mother soon after she suffered her stroke…he pulled off before I could even reach his truck because he said I was “mouthy” and had no appreciation for what he was going to do for me. He came to me the day his grandmother died, seeking sex to soothe his hurt and help ease his grieving, yet when he made the trip to Kansas City (or somewhere like that) and I sent him an email telling him I was naked (in an effort to cheer him up), he tells me I am inappropriate and have no respect for the dead. He expected fidelity, chastity and accountability from me but when I expected the same, I got  women snuck into my apartment while I was at work and all I heard was I wasn’t his wife. When I left, I got the I’m leaving my wife speech (it was supposed to be as soon as his daughter graduated high school…I guess that girl is still working on that diploma) which I did NOT ask for nor did I want; I got surprise visits at the Island (which at one point you would have thought was a million miles from DC) and the dinner and movie dates I had pushed to get for years. But I no longer trusted him and damn sure didn’t want him anymore.
Not even going to get into the trust issues surrounding Him and AFO…basically, more of the same of what Married Man put me through, only with even more mixed signals. So this is why I do not trust men and in review…I no longer trust myself. See, when it comes to emotional matters I am quite the contradictory mess. I don’t trust men but I am willing to try again with the person I feel is worth it (in an effort to not hold the sins of others against the one in the present) and once I have made a commitment to a person (please note they do not have to make a commitment to me), I am hanging in there giving every effort plus some. And let’s face it…I do not know who is worth it. I am like a little child who has to be told constantly to not talk to strangers. I just don’t know when to give my heart away and when to keep it closed. I guess trust and love are in the same boat: until you can learn to do both with yourself, you cannot do it with another.

Well, this is as far as I go with this topic today. Hopefully, you all got the gist of what I was talking about and it was not too convoluted, boring or long for you to read. Now I am off to clean the house, alternate between football and Monk (great show!), do more creative writing and prepare new blog posts….not necessarily in that order. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Slow Start

Hopefully I still have some readers left after the incredibly angry sounding and bitchy post on New Year’s Day. Again, I am not angry but I am frustrated, mainly with myself. After taking 2 ½ years to put loser dudes behind me and back where they belong (out of my life), I am/was still allowing others (who I do not even have feelings for)  to drain me in all ways and that has to stop. The arrangements are not a day job or a full-time gig…it is supposed to be the ultimate in mutually beneficial NSA. Yet, I get the men who are lonely, desperate and outright ridiculous. And I entertained them! (Double face palm) I was stressing myself out over short term temp jobs that I knew would not lead to anything permanent and apparently, not even callbacks. So this year, all that is over. I am no one’s personal therapist, no one’s nurse maid or hand holder and professionally…I will do the job but no longer going the extra mile or putting forth any extra efforts to get someone to notice me.

I have to admit, since I started cutting the stupid out of my life (usually I say no goals need to be set in motion immediately as I need to formulate game plans, but this year’s goal is a no-brainer and should have been implemented in February of 2012), things have been rather dull but peaceful. Of course, there are exceptions…I had some responses to my online ad that went nowhere because the game-playing was evident from the get-go. Ten thousand questions, revelations that are supposed to shock and repulse me but because of my past, I have seen everything and probably done all but two and last minute cancellations that had me putting each and everyone on my blocked senders list. I had the guy who wanted to know did I want to thank him now or later for making me feel like a woman (should I even mention the man wanted a topless handjob?) and the guy who was 20 years my junior, still living with his mama who claimed to have not been with a woman in 2 years and would do anything to just cuddle with a woman. Anything translated into nothing over $50 and unlimited time spent together. Yeah, not going there because Supa-Sav-A-Bro has hung her cape and my bank account is so low that $50 would not make a difference coming or going.

And even the job search was not immune to the ridiculousity…I got a phone call Friday morning at like 8am from a temp agency I had applied with almost 2 months ago. Well, of course, being unemployed and having insomnia for the past two weeks, I was so not awake when she called me on my cell phone . Side rant: if I put on the application I am not currently working and I have both a home phone and a cell phone, why call me on the cell? It took me forever to stumble, fumble and find the darn thing and of course, in addition to sounding like an incoherent zombie, I also had to answer nature’s call…immediately. I told the woman I would call her back in 5 minutes and when I did…she never answered her phone. In fact, I ended up leaving her FIVE voicemails and forgoing a nap for fear I would miss the call. She finally sends an email at 4:55pm stating that the job I had applied for had been filled awhile ago but she was just “touching base” with me. What the hell? You are touching base with an applicant over a job that was filled and had been filled for a while? I have come to the conclusion she is trying to hold onto her job by reaching out to folks about non-existent jobs.

My ray of sunshine in the midst of this stupidity and dullness was New Year’s Eve. It started out like any other day: I wrote the Year of Change post and I had 3 dates that day. Two repeaters and a new guy who I swear to GOD has ADHD. I had to tell him to SIT.STILL. and STOP.TALKING. more than once and I was so glad to see him go…he was nice enough but if I wanted to babysit, I have other options. I figured I would order Chinese food and watch the ball drop on TV, like I do every year, but one of my neighbors had other plans. She wanted to go out and wanted me to go with her…I so did not want to but why not make a change in my routine? There was nothing keeping me from going out, so I said yes,  but I opted not to wear my party dress as we decided to stay in the neighborhood. I wanted to go downtown where we would actually have a chance to meet new people (I  said there were no men in our neighborhood save married men and priests) but the costs associated with downtown were absolutely prohibitive. So we are walking to the immediate bars in the neighborhood and BOTH were closed. One had been shut down all day and the second had closed maybe a half hour before we got there due to slow business. So we trudge uphill for about 7 blocks to the last of the neighborhood bars and I marveled at how completely dead my neighborhood is: on NYE, we passed a total of 5 people, 2 cars and 1 bus. The streets were empty as hell and I just knew it was a waste of time coming out. Until we reached our destination….

The joint was jumping! They were offering free parking, free admission AND a free buffet! It was standing room only and I was even more despondent. It was small, crowded and noisy and I was ready to leave but we agreed to stay a little while at least, and I am glad I did. Once I got over my sense of entitlement, I loosened up and enjoyed myself. I also danced with a guy who I swear was Flavor Flav except he had Buckwheat hair and raggedy does not even begin to describe his mouth, but he was fun and his good time vibe was contagious. Met a guy who was taller than me and drunker than a sailor on leave…we talked, ate food, danced and even took random pictures together. He said I was sexy, cute and awesome and he took sips of my coca-cola trying to figure out what else was in it. I told him it was coca-cola straight and he could not handle it. I found out he lived a block away, was a college student and had someone who may or may not be a girlfriend. Hard to tell because he kept saying she was either in Rhode Island or Hawaii but wherever she was, it was without him. He found out I live next door to the gas station, did not come to the bar often and was single. Even though we parted without exchanging contact information, I do know he is usually found at the bar for Friday happy hour….as Girlfriend put it…if it’s meant to be, we will see each other again. And I was still home before midnight (it just kept getting more and more crowded at the bar), and watched the ball drop at midnight with my mommy, who was also my over the phone midnight kiss.

So yes, a slow start to the New Year but for once, it feels good. True, I am at loose ends without stupidity to fill in the gaps and blanks, but I am sure I will get used to that. But hey, we are only five days in…361 more days to go! As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

 

The Year of Change

You know, my last week of 2012 was filled with idiots, game-players and tons of stupidity and obtuseness. In keeping with what I learned and discovered in 2012, I am owning up to my choices as the majority of this was a direct result of my placing mutually beneficial ads online.  The remainder is a direct result of my being tactful, a people pleaser and being too passive and not enough aggressive. When I review that last statement, I cannot help but feel they are all one and the same.

But, because I put myself in a certain position/situation does not mean I have to deal with what comes with it. Not saying I am trying to dodge the consequences but in every environment, there is a culture…and I may have to adapt somewhat but that does not mean I have to deal with the extremes of the culture. Besides, I am not even dealing with consequences…I am dealing with stupid, disrespectful people who are apparently illiterate and/or in need of lobotomies. I have preferences, boundaries and perimeters today…they are clearly stated. Is it too much to ask they be respected?. Which makes the goals for this New Year quite obvious.

In 2013, I am changing the game and the players. I am standing up against stupidity, I am standing against disrespect and I am putting an end to mistreatment. From myself and from others. If 2012 was a year of evictions for the people who no longer serve a purpose or offer nothing but questions, hurt and heartbreak….consider 2013 the Year of Screening Potential Tenants. In 2013, there will be no justifications for what is nothing more than disrespect, there will be no understanding the misunderstood, I will not be the one to fill the voids you and/or your fucked up childhood created for yourself. We are ALL fucked up and the majority of us seem to get along just fine without having our loneliness, craziness and desperation on display. This is the Year of Being Blunt as being tactful nets nothing but headaches and face palms. Trust me, in 2013 if you still have no idea or understanding of what I am telling you/saying to you…you have a mental deficiency. This will be the Year of One Chance because that is all I have to give this year.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results and I am tired of being insane. I am tired of offering intelligence, respect, humor and worthwhile experiences (take that any way you want) to folks who have zero idea what the hell they are doing and cannot appreciate what is offered and/or right before them…and not just on a personal level. Professionally, in 2012 I began making the changes that my Panel and society say will make me a better and more indispensable employee…and yet, here I am….STILL unemployed with nary a nibble when it comes to my resume. See, I have always said that when it comes to me (in any capacity) doing the right thing only pisses me off as I end up with the same results I get when I do the wrong thing, so why bother? I am okay with me regardless of how I do the damned thing, and if I am to get the same result regardless…why put forth the extra efforts?

I realize that this is an angry sounding post (and really, I’m not angry) and that my selfishness and self-centeredness are coming though loud and clear, but being sweet, kind, understanding…has yielded me nothing. Nothing. In keeping with all the New Year, New You campaigns, consider this my mental/emotional version of New Me because I do not plan on being the same person in 2013…I am not putting forth anything until it is put forth to me first. I am no longer busting my ass for anyone or anything other than myself. My efforts are better put to use finding a new path to get what I seek, whether it is professionally or personally. Some of those new paths include taking online courses in areas that are outside my skills set and utilizing talents I already have (and do not involve being online) to keep income flowing and networking to find a new circle of people to socialize and interact with on a personal level.

You see, I have spent pretty much 2 ½ years getting over, getting through and getting by. I have spent time people pleasing, belittling myself to make both others and temp agencies look good and now…it is time for ME. Time for ME to be and stay happy, it is time for ME to be appreciated and acknowledged, for people to make ME a priority and for my needs and voids to be filled. It is time for someone to see the efforts I exert to make them look good, feel good and be better. When it comes to jobs, if it isn’t going to lead anywhere, I am there for the paycheck which I will receive whether I am there on time or using 15 minute grace periods. When it comes to the online ads, if you cannot follow simple instructions within the first three emails, forget it. And last minute cancellations put you on my blocked list because no, I don’t understand anymore. When it comes to personal relationships…if I am doing more for you than you are doing for me…you gotta go. And really, that is what will be saddest of all because all I want you to do is pick up the phone/respond to an email and actually keep your word when you put it out there. But in this New Year, I no longer have the time to waste my time.

I probably sound like I am embracing the bitchamist in me and I am….people have no problem fucking me over when it suits them and using the living hell out of me when they need to. That is stopping this year. If I do not stand up for myself, who will? And 2013 is the year I make that happen…where I am my own best friend, I am the one I count on and I am the one who can make things happen for me…not the dates, not the temp agencies and not my friends. I am all I have and if I am wasting my time with losers disguised as normal people I could not take the time to assess what they will bring into my life, I am the only one to blame. In summary, 2013 will be the Year of Change. I have come to the conclusion it isn’t them, it IS me…and that works for me. I can fix me, I can change me and implement change in my life. Change will make a difference in my choices and the people I associate with. I can’t fix or change Them.  I do not think it is cold or heartless or not me…I think if I want the last half of my life to be more enriching, more fulfilling and just all around better than the first half…changes must be made. And change begins with me and with this New Year.

Wishing everyone reading a wonderful, safe and Happy New Year and the best of luck and much success with your 2013 resolutions. Hopefully, you will still be stopping past and reading this blog to accompany me and the Panel on even more adventures, drama, gossip  and  better days and times to come.