Out of the Blue

It is 19 days before Christmas and I have been dealing with the pain (still here, but more manageable and tolerable), craziness and confusion. This is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, but not this year. Maybe it’s me being a Scrooge and a Grinch this year because I am really not feeling the Holiday Spirit…the Fiscal Cliff and all it means to me and my situation have sapped me of any goodwill towards men. And I mean men literally….I had a date this week that actually gave me a White Baby. I call the man Diaper Dude and he is older (65), short and looks like a thin John McCain. His request? For me to be his “mommy”, diaper him, feed him a bottle and hold him close while telling him what a good little boy he was. I can’t really complain because it was easy money and afterwards he drew a stick figure mommy & me picture that I had to put on my fridge before he left, but the fact that this is how I have to make ends meet…it makes for great stories but sometimes, it makes me despair of ever finding someone normal when I am ready for such and had me almost longing for the desk with no keyboard. I mean, seriously…what are you doing at 2pm? Diapering an old man and calling him your sweet little boy is probably nowhere on your list of tasks.

What really put the icing on the cake was an email I received two nights ago while talking with Chef on the phone. It was from AFO and when I saw his name and email address in my inbox, I was rendered speechless and had to pick myself up off the floor. I felt the butterflies in my stomach and wondered what he could possibly say after three months of zero contact with me…and it was a one line response to an email I had sent soon after he left. It was a chatty email, nothing sexual or romantic was alluded to and his one line response? He was in California and asked if I could send him some porn and/or nude pictures to help him “work it out”. Seriously. My Panel and I were in disbelief and the consensus is AFO has Him beat in all ways when it comes to mistreatment, disrespect and sheer craziness. Oscar has stated she hates the man, Cuz and Chef have no comment,  Artsy Craftsy is glad I saw through the games and Morning Person is praying I stick to my guns this time and none of them need to worry. I did not respond to the email (swear I didn’t!) but I do want to respond to AFO….and I am going to do so here. Please enjoy my open letter and check back really soon for the post on Craigslist ads.

Dear AFO:

WOW. That this the first word that came to mind after seeing your communication. I am still speechless that it takes you three months to respond to me and you act as if we speak everyday and all is well in our “relationship”. I am not your girlfriend, I am not your FWB…hell, I am not even your FB in DC. I am a chick who posted an ad you responded to. For you to send one line (and how on earth can one line spark 10,000 questions in my mind?) which I guess I am supposed to read as you have been too busy to respond but I am the only one and that you are possibly internet ignorant (dude, you can find porn online, you know. For free) ….it only makes all the bad thoughts I have about you a reality.

You are a user AND a loser and I am no longer available  or interested. I just cannot get over the fact that you think (and maybe I showed you) I am that huge of a fool…you are in California, the Land of Porn and Pussy. I am quite sure they have all the online sites you use when you come to DC, so why do you want/need me to send you something to help you “work it out”? I am more than certain you have been working a lot of things out in the three months I ceased to exist. I swear, you are a zombie…I am dead to you before you even cross state lines, yet when I am done licking my wounds and you are finally dead to me…you pop up, trying to suck me back in.

But, it isn’t all your fault. You see, I forgot that when generosity is involved…the meeting(s) is/are no longer about connections, friendships or making something out of nothing. It is not about mutually beneficial or helping each other out with our needs…hell, it is not even a business arrangement. Because men do not pay a woman for sex or time or companionship…men pay a woman to LEAVE. And I didn’t leave….I thought you meant what you said about it doesn’t matter how you meet, only where you end up; I listened to you talk about connections and chemistry and relationships. I thought you were different and that something could actually blossom, so I didn’t leave, even after it was beyond evident you were long gone.

So, it is not all your fault and it is time for me to correct my mistakes. See, I have been through the “all by myself” relationship and I have been through enough and have finally learned enough to know that it is not up to you to validate or respect me…it is up to me to do that. And being with you is neither validation nor respectful…it is a crazy escape punctuated with kinky sex and sweet-sounding lies. I have had enough craziness, kinky sex and lies (sweet and otherwise) to last two lifetimes….so this communication is me picking up my self-respect and leaving. I wish you nothing but good things and hope that one day, you find what and who you seek. Goodbye, AFO.


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