A season of discontent is defined as a period where one is dissatisfied with what they presently have or have an intense longing for what they do not/cannot have. I am recently coming out of a season of discontent and while I am no Zen Master (I am no longer fucked up but I am still flawed )… I still have bouts of impatience and frustration, but for the most part I am happy and content. On a personal level, I had forgotten what a gift it is to be truly single and how great it is to not be held captive by the insecurities and instabilities that my relationships often brought me. I forgot that I have no need to worry about being the media ideal because I am okay with me (rolls, curves and all) and I find there are men who are more than okay with me being built the way I am. I forgot how not being burdened by the craziness and issues of others is so liberating and my schedule is my schedule, not theirs.
Professionally, I am doing all I can and the best I can with what I have to deal with…and that is all I can do. While I do need and want a job, I realize I want a job I can actually enjoy doing, that will give me leeway with things like a flexible schedule (I need the grace period) and one that will not work me like a Hebrew slave while paying me like one. And the time off has allowed me to spend more time on me and with me, visit my family and friends and I have not suffered too badly financially for it. I know some people have an issue with how I supplement my income but it has allowed me to maintain my lifestyle, kept me from asking others for money and the one person I do ask for assistance…their amount they assist me with has not changed. If you look at it just the right way, it is kind of a win-win.
What brings on this discontent talk? Well, for the past 3 days I have been laid flat on back dealing with my abdominal pain…it has been OMG awful. I could not sit, stand, eat and did not want a cigarette. People, I could not wipe my ass!! THAT is how bad the pain was. It also brought with it the congestion, coughing and sneezing of the cold I was battling earlier in the week. I popped oxycotin, tramadols and motrin to no avail. All they did was knock me out and when I awoke the combination of pain and loopy meds had me zonked out and making no sense at all to people who talked to me. It was suggested I take my butt to the ER immediately, but here is the thing: hospitals have doctors…potentially single, good looking doctors (I watch Grey’s Anatomy, remember?) and I cannot be fat, broken down, smelly AND ugly. I need to be able to at least walk upright and able to have to fully showered and have some decent hair and lipstick when I go in. Hey, I am happy being single but who lets potential opportunity pass them by? But, I digress….in the midst of the painfest my body was subjecting me to (I swear, White Baby is just like its father…stays with me awhile and rips my guts out when it leaves), I had two phone calls (actually several phone calls from the same people) who are unhappy, discontent and ready to throw out the baby with the bathwater.
First up was Cuz…we have the same conversation every year at this time. Basically, it is another year shot, we are still alone and what are we going to do about it? Except this year, I am not in that place…I am not stuck on Him or anyone else, I am not pining over anyone, I do not feel I need someone in my life to complete me or make me happy. One of the things this process has taught me is that I complete me, I make me happy and until I can learn to live with and love me first….no one else can do it for me. Until I can learn to be happy and satisfied with the hand I have currently been dealt, I do not get better cards. It’s not me and it’s not them…not everyone is for everybody and that’s okay. I believe we are all being prepared for a special someone and until both products are finished and ready…you are simply spinning your wheels trying to make it work with someone else. Not saying that you cannto have fun with it but still…you know when it is right and healthy and when it’s not. Healthy is important. But Cuz is ready to go out and get his…he says he has a lot to offer for the right one, but now he is ready to settle simply because he is tired of being lonely and he says I should be tired also. Except, I am not lonely….I am alone, true.. but not lonely. Lonely was being in a relationship with a man who was married, lonely was being in a relationship with a man who was hung up on everyone else and ended up being a coward and a liar, lonely was being in like all by myself. What good is waking to someone if one or the other is not in like or love? What is the point of being in a relationship at least one of you does not want? I also think part of Cuz’s issue is that he says he wants a long term relationship that will lead somewhere but his emphasis is on how good the sex will be…then he can work on the other connections. I have found (for me) that what you put out there you get back…so if you keep saying that sex is the most important thing in a relationship…all you will find are fuck buddies, not women to build a relationship with.
The second person to call was Brother Everything…I damn near fell out the bed. I have not heard from him since he got angry with me asking him was he sure he wanted to marry Sister Someone and he hung up on me. Well, it seems BE did not answer the question truthfully….he was filled with complaints against his new bride. She is lazy, slovenly, nasty, cannot cook, cannot/will not clean, and she has a mental disorder. I was super quiet as he bitched and vented partly because the pain had me unable to speak and also because I am wondering why he is just now realizing these things. Hell, he left her before for the exact same list of complaints. I guess it did not matter before because of all the reasons he wanted to marry Sister Someone, love never made the list. He wanted a car, he needed medical insurance, he wanted a home to entertain his friends…and he has all that, but at what cost? The woman is leaving chicken bones all over the house, has cooked a chicken in a crockpot for two days (she wasn’t sure it was done), has emotional/hormonal breakdowns where she is screaming and hollering at both BE and her son and has a calendar that has all of BE’s paydays checked off. He no longer gets a free ride or an allowance. Sister Someone gives him a stack of bills that need to be paid every month and nags and hounds him until they are paid. He is not allowed out of the house and the one time he did manage to get out (leaving SS stuck with babysitting duty for her son and his cousin’s baby), he heard about it into the next week. Brother Everything says he cannot live like this and wonders what will happen if he tried to annul the marriage.
I have no answers for people…I do have suggestions though. First, stop being selfish with yourself….Cuz is going to deny himself the journey of being happily single while searching for someone because he is ready to settle for someone he does not want and probably won’t like very much. You have to go through the lesson until you learn it…you may get breaks here and there but sooner versus later, you find yourself back at Square One and probably never leaving the season of discontent. Second, examine your motives. Brother Everything was so involved in his self-serving motives, he never took anything into consideration but how quickly he could accomplish his goals. Now, because of his need for instant gratification, he is stuck because no way in three hells is Sister Someone letting an annulment happen. And he is stuck with someone he does not love and is slowly beginning to resent and dislike. Third….do something with the waiting. It does not matter what you do: blog, read, explore new cultures discover yourself, improve what you can about yourself…learn to be satisfied with who you are and where you are right now. Not saying it is going to happen overnight or that it will be easy, but you will find life will be so much better. What you want will come in time…just give it time. Kind of like it is found in the journey, not the destination sort of thing.
Okay, so now I have to go lay down…not only did I write this post, I cooked some food (and burned my sweet potatoes…eating them anyway) and now my Aleve are wearing off and the pain is bursting through like water from a dam. I will be back soon (working on a post of CL ads so we can all feel better about ourselves)….as always, thanks for stopping past and reading. And as usual…enjoy your day!