No Rest for the Weary

Hello, readers!. I am feeling 1000% better today…my internal mucous factory shut down. I wonder if the workers are on strike and waiting for their union reps to enter discussions on their behalf? No matter…enjoying the feeling of almost good health and being able to breathe through my nostrils again. Today’s blog post is based on an observation I made while laying in bed for two days: I’m tired! And it is not laziness…it is a combination of the mental, emotional and the physical abdominal pain. For some reason, people (meaning me) have misconceptions about certain situations (listed below) and I am here to share my experiences with them to dispel the myths and rumors.

Unemployment: Everyone thinks unemployment is some kind of vacation…you sleep late, eat bon-bons, watch soap operas and resume your professional life when you get ready to do so. I am here to tell you it is lies, lies, lies. Maybe the first 30 days are like a vacation…after all, you have been working long and hard without a break so you see a chance to catch up on some rest, finish up some projects. Catch up on your reading, your laundry…maybe catch a matinee movie or a museum exhibit. Yeah, for a little while it is “me” time in abundance while you wrap your head around what just happened and formulate your plans for the future. And then, before you know it, 30 days turns into 60 days which turns into 90 days…and you are still home watching time run out.  Because the one thing one must stay mindful of (and your friends and family will help you out with this, even though you don’t need reminding)…unemployment has an expiration date on two levels: financially and professionally. Unlike retirees or those on disability, you are not at the end of your career and you have no annuities or checks for life (SSI, SSDI) coming in. The job market is competitive as hell and getting more so each day that passes, and your checks will end eventually. Which leads me to the next myth….

Job Searches: One of the requirements of unemployment is to actively search for jobs…a minimum of 2 per week. In this economy with jobs scarce, taxes rising and cuts looming a smart cookie will be searching everyday and for viable jobs, not just something to put down on a sheet of paper to show you are following the rules and guidelines. I am that smart cookie, but what people don’t tell you is that with the few viable jobs out there, it is now an employer’s market so they call all the shots. It used to be you presented your resume and skills set and if nothing else, a temp agency would scoop you up and keep you busy. No more. If you are not outright ignored, you are offered a salary that won’t even keep you in pantyhose and lipstick. And the hoops they make you jump through…I filled out a job application for a temp agency that required me to complete 4 tests that had a total of over 350 skills assessment questions. Do you think I have heard anything back?  I spend at least 5 hours a day, 3 days a week searching for jobs I am actually qualified for just in case a miracle occurs and I am actually called in for an interview. I use Careerbuilder to help me with the search but you have to be careful about the online job boards….they post jobs that are old, and not just talking 3 or 4 days old….like the original posting was 4-6 weeks ago old. It gets tiring and frustrating on so many levels.

Constant Thinking: I know I am not the only one whose brain just will not shut off. I know I am not the only one who is constantly worrying and trying to figure out what the future holds and when the current reality will end. I have always been like this: planning, plotting and trying not to take anything for granted. I am not spontaneous at all….I am planning for my holiday plans and meals by Labor Day. And the roller coaster I have been on emotionally and professionally the past 3 years or so has only exacerbated my condition/problem or whatever you choose to call it. When I was not worried about what the loser dude men I chose to get involved with were doing, I was worried when would I find a job. I still worry when I will find a job, I worry who will help me when my resources do run out, I wonder will I really have to start a DC version of Tent City on an empty lot somewhere. I agonize over every dollar I spend…it may not seem like it but I do. Movies, dinners, shopping….all money I really do not have and need to be saving, but I have hope and faith (somewhat)  and for real…I need a break from my reality. Treating myself to a new outfit, to a movie or buying up groupons so when I really am broke I can still go out and do fun things…it helps. It gets me out the house and slows my brain down for a minute. It helps to keep me sane because the fact of the matter is whether I spent the money now or later, it would be spent and I will still be worrying about it.

The Arrangements: It is so not what people think it is…for every legitimate person I meet with , I have screened through 20 others who make stupid look smart. I get the guys who cannot read which would explain why they fall below the stated age range, are shocked that I seek financial assistance  or still ask me what race I am (although the guy who asked what race meant is a special case). The men who send the endless emails, who make appointments and then turn out to be a no-show, the men who email on their way out of town trying to make appointments anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months in advance (only to never be heard from again), the men demanding nude pictures (which I do not have). The rude men who insult me without knowing me or having seen me, the incredibly ignorant ones who think I have put up false pictures because black people are all blacker than the ace of spades. The ones who try to build a connection hoping I will forget about the fact I posted looking for generosity, the ones with the ridiculous requests and fetishes, the ones who are scared and nervous and NEVER show up, the pic collectors who fall off the face of the earth once a pic exchange has taken place. The cheap ones who try to barter with me (the man who offered to take me grocery shopping and give me a $40 Visa gift card was a standout), the ones who want to play games sending me to their hotels, where they are not in the rooms they claim to be in. And the list goes on….so for every decent, viable man I do meet with…trust me, I earned every penny of those dollars before I even met the man.

Getting over Him/The Process: I put these two together because for me, they are more than related…they are intertwined. So we all know how him’s actions and treatments caused me to disconnect with reality and go slightly insane for a minute. It eventually threw me (no other way to describe it) into a process that is still going on today. I am going to be truthful here and say that this process was very much needed and a long time in the making….him was simply the catalyst. It does not make it any less tiring though: the breaking down of issues, walls and defenses; re-routing my thinking; wrestling with change and making different choices, learning to treat myself better. It is a lot of work, and work is tiring. Couple that with the emotional turmoil of a breakup?  Let me tell you something….moving on, getting through and finally getting over the person you knew was your one, the person who I still call my soulmate (hey, connection and chemistry are connection and chemistry and we had both in abundance) is exhausting on all levels. The stages of grief, the depression, the crying, the arguing, the sleepless nights….it all drains you.

But eventually you wake up and realize that not even a little bit of hurt remains, the gossip does not bother you and if you have truly forgiven the person, you find yourself sincerely hoping they are happy and you find yourself just as happy or even happier without that person…or any person in your life for that matter. Except him is rude. And delusional. And telling all his business which is so off the charts and unbelievable, it is a literal assault on all of my senses and my common sense. Things have to be logical and make sense to me…I have to understand things….and there is no understanding in him’s corner of the world. Just listening to the stories exhaust me….the Panel and I have no energy left to even try to analyze and speculate about what we just heard (and in some cases, seen). I swear, sometimes it is as if him is one of those online losers whose ads I read and responses I dodge. I could put an end to this by just not listening but you readers know me…I like the drama (as long as it belongs to someone else) and I once blogged that as long as him put it out there, I would follow this to the bitter end. I meant that. Besides, once you get past the craziness and confusion, it is actually pretty entertaining.

So this is why I am tired and why groupons go unused and mid-day naps are mandatory in my house. One day, it will all fall into place and maybe I can slow the brain down just a tad. Maybe. Well, as usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always…enjoy your day!



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