While I was running around doing a last minute cleanup of my apartment before I head to my parents’ house for the holiday, I came across a ponder stone. Normally, I would never have come across it in my daily routine, but in my quest to not return to an unmade bed, dirty clothes and/or mutant dust bunnies, I was dusting the obviously in need pieces of furniture. You know what I am talking about…the furniture that you somehow convince yourself is fine and not in need of dusting/cleaning, even though you haven’t touched it with a dustrag in months. The solitary stone sits on one of my bookcases and I remember when I bought them….I got them from Jewelry Television of all places and I thought they were cute. Ponder stones are a set of six smooth, polished stones of various colors that have one word engraved on them. The set I purchased had: love, kisses, sisters, soulmate, friends and always written on them. I gave all of them away but one….Guardian Princess got sisters, Oscar got soulmate, my mother got love, Sis-Sis got friends and my Baby Sis got kisses. I was holding onto always because I was going to eventually give it to Him…one day when we could at least look at each other again, I was going to press the smooth, engraved black rock in his hands and hope he knew what it meant and represented.
That he would always be my one, that I would always have love, like and caring for him. That I would always be there when he was ready to look back and come back because more than lovers, we were friends. Real friends. Well, a lot has happened since I purchased those ponder stones and a lot raced through my mind as I stood in the middle of the room looking at that one word: always. I once said everything I learned about life, I learned from love and that’s a pretty accurate statement. Because of love (and deep like), I have learned that nothing is as simple or as complicated as it seems; that no one is obligated to tell the truth, especially to you; everyone knows what they want…they either don’t want it with you or don’t want you to judge them for it. I have learned how I want to be treated in a relationship (hasn’t happened yet) and that when people show you who they are, believe it. Don’t rationalize, analyze and/or justify. Believe them. I have learned that actions tell you everything their words either won’t or don’t. I have learned I am not unique with my trials and tribulations…and I am not alone either. I have learned that time does heal all wounds and the unanswered questions turn out to be not so important after all. I have learned that I can live without them and actually be better off with them.
Yeah, a lot of lessons….and I realized how far I have grown from the him fiasco in a little over 2 years. I am (still) healing and growing more every day and now when I look back at all that happened from beginning to end, it is not with regret, sorrow or loss. It is with a sense of wonder and amazement that I allowed myself to be put through such disrespect and mistreatment, that I was so dense I never saw what everyone else not only saw, but knew; that I was an active participant in such stupidity makes me shake my head. It is inconceivable that my people pleasing and deep-seated need to be someone’s One allowed me to be used and degraded in so many ways and on so many levels. And I am also happy…happy that him ended things the way him did, happy for all the chaos, confusion and drama that followed because it eventually killed hope. Because now I no longer have to wonder or ask…I know. There will be no always for us and I can truthfully say I want it that way.
So this year, in addition to being thankful for all the usual things (family, friends, health, food and shelter), I am also thankful for acceptance which has helped to realize that being single is infinitely better than being stuck in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship. I am thankful for lessons learned and the fact that this lesson at least is one I will not be repeating. I am thankful for time which has brought about indifference towards him and the fiasco. I am thankful for hope that once I am really, really ready in all ways and on all levels…the love I deserve comes along, not the love I want. And as for the ponder stone, I am keeping it. For now, it is a reminder of my Panel and the love, patience and dedication they have shown me while I do the best I can to stay on track and in the moment.
Wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with family and friends, football and lots and lots of love.